Oh great, another TeeVee doctor has weighed in on Fox News with some dangerous bullshit and nonsense.

(Image above from @ditzkoff on Twitter)

First things first: enjoy this little thief:

I mean, come on. If that doesn’t put a smile on your face …

rim shot eye roll

So, because other teevee “doctors’ have done such a bang-up job talking about this pandemic on Fox News …

SEE: Dr. Drew on Ingraham Angle: “It’s a press-induced panic …”

SEE: Dr. Oz on Hannity two nights ago; “The opening of schools MAY ONLY cost us 2 to 3% in terms of total mortality”:

Well, obviously, the best decision here is to bring on yet another teevee doctor (who is no longer allowed to practice which is a whole other story we will get to in a moment) because these publicity-seeking boobs are doing SUCH A BANG-UP JOB SPREADING GREAT MEDICAL INFORMATION:

Dr. Phil literally says in this segment that 360,000 people die in swimming pools every year. The actual number is 3,500. But leaving aside that particular ignorant and incorrect lie statement, there are two very important counterpoints to Dr. Phil’s dumb point here:

  1. Car accidents, accidental drownings, and cigarette-related deaths AREN’T CONTAGIOUS. (Although you could argue that cigarette-related deaths can be contagious which is why we’ve regulated the SHIT out of smoking and have made it all but obsolete in this country.)
  2. The terrifying fact of the matter is COVID-19 is quickly becoming the leading cause of death in the United States for 2020. It is hard to believe, but it actually true. Last week alone, COVID-19 killed 12,392 people. The only thing that killed more people was heart disease, and it only killed 234 more. It is entirely likely that this week will see more deaths from COVID-19 than any other single cause in this country. NOW! There are a bunch of caveats to this: the stay-at-home orders have reduced car accidents and there is some suggestion that it has also reduced stress-related heart attacks. And there is going to be a lot of overlap between the COVID deaths with people who already had cancer or Alzheimer’s or respiratory disease, but the truth of the matter is we will never know how much longer any of those people might have lived if they hadn’t been exposed to the virus so you know, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DR. PHIL.

Speaking of “Dr.” Phil, as folks on the internet are pointing out, it probably should be Mr. Phil as he is 1. not a medical doctor and 2. is no longer licensed to practice psychology in any state after having inappropriate relationships with patients, possibly getting handsy with some and practicing some questionable techniques with a number of the guests on his television show. More in this thread:

He’s since issued a bullshit non-apology, saying that he “probably used bad examples.”

OH? YOU THINK?

Dr. Oz has also issued a non-apology, saying he “misspoke.”

Sorry if you’re so SENSITIVE as to be upset that I casually suggested that killing off 2% of the American population so that we can reopen Cheesecake Factories UPSET YOU. GEEZ.

Interestingly, Laura Ingraham did have an actual doctor on last night, the beleaguered Dr. Fauci, who, bless him, had to explain to Ingraham how COVID-19 and HIV are different.

He must have done something terrible in a past life.

It should be noted that all of the teevee doctors who have been dragged onto Fox News to spew bad, dangerous information are doing so in the name of opening back up the economy as quickly as possible.

President Going to Get Us All Killed, released his three-stage Open Up America Again plan, which is just a bunch of general guidances that is mostly left to the states to figure out and has absolutely no information about ramping up tests or plans to make sure that PPE, supplies or health care workers are sent to hot spots, should they flare-up. Basically, he’s pushing off all responsibility to the states so that he can try to deflect blame onto the governors if something goes wrong — and plenty has already gone wrong.

But as if abdicating all responsibility and refusing to implement any kind of coordinated effort wasn’t bad enough, this piece of shit was literally fomenting unrest in states where some protestors are pushing back against the social-distancing measures put into place by the same governors he just said are in charge:

trump liberate virginia minnesota michigan

SO, TO RECAP: It’s all in the governors’ hands, but the idiot citizens of the states who don’t want to postpone their hair appointments for another week should RISE UP and TAKE TO THE STREETS! DEAR LEADER DEMANDS IT!

President Sentient Cheeto is realizing that his poll numbers are plummeting, that his re-election chances are diminishing and that if he does not win in November, there is a non-trivial chance he could face criminal charges the moment he leaves the White House.  Make no mistake: he will burn it all down, he will burn us all down, to try to save his gross, orange hide.

This is genuinely one of the scariest moments I’ve ever lived through. Enjoy more Pizza Groundhog:

An update on the state of the soaps. Sounds like now might be a good time to become a Days of Our Lives fan if you’re not already.

Steven Soderbergh is heading a Directors Guild committee to figure out how to get the industry back to work.

Production on Sex Education‘s third season has been delayed. I mean, I don’t know what took them so long to announce this but sure.

Tooning Out the News has figured out how to make the show in the middle of all of this.

The crew of Ellen is NOT HAPPY with DeGeneres or how they are being treated right now.

Even The Simpsons are staying at home:

The PGA Tour plans to come back and hold the Charles Schwab Challenge in Fort Worth, TX, on June 11 to 14, to be broadcast on CBS.

Broadway on Demand will launch next month with “a library of content, exclusive livestream events, interactive platforms, and educational resources.”

Prince George offers a message of support during this difficult time.

View this post on Instagram

The Prince coming to @hbomax

A post shared by Gary Janetti (@garyjanetti) on

John Conway, Princeton professor, mathematician, and inventor of The Game of Life has passed away from the virus.

Allen Daviau, five-time Academy Award-nominated cinematographer who worked on E.T., The Color Purple and Empire of the Sun has passed away from the virus.

Denver Broncos Von Miller has tested positive.

Bob Odenkirk’s son, Nathan, had COVID-19, and Odenkirk described it as “worse than the flu.”

It’s not surprising in the least, but Comic-Con, for the first time in its 51-year history, has been canceled.

Facebook has canceled all events for 50 or more people for the next 14 months. WHAT DO THEY KNOW?

Shakespeare in the Park has been canceled in New York City, and they have furloughed staff.

Vox Media has furloughed staff and issued pay cuts.

Sky has postponed filming Anna, an Italian series about a pandemic.

Princess Beatrice and Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi’s wedding has been postponed.

Y’ALL. PUT THE DATING APPS AWAY. NOT YET, YOU GUYS.

No, Bill Cosby, you will not be getting out of prison early, you fucking rapist. You, Michael Cohen, can go home early because YOU DIDN’T RAPE ANYONE.

Every commercial about the pandemic is exactly the same (via BoingBoing):

Y’all need to be nicer to Outlander‘s Sam Heughan. He’s just trying to shelter in place like the rest of us. CALM DOWN.

Good News:

Netflix has expanded its hardship fund to $150 million.

Sundance Institute is starting a $1 million fund to help struggling artists and organizations.

Harry and Meghan have been delivering charity meals across Los Angeles.

John Krasinski and some Friends will host and DJ a virtual prom tonight on his YouTube channel right here (this makes me weepy for some reason — it’s strange what sets me off).

NBA player Bismack Biyombo has donated $1 million in COVID supplies to Congo, his home country.

Cast members from the original Dallas, China Beach, Pop’s One Day at a Time and Hulu’s Difficult People will zoom into next week’s livestream “Stars in the House” series to raise money for The Actor’s Fund.

Facebook is adding a new specific emoji for COVID-19 for when the heart or the sad emoji just don’t seem to get it.

You can stream The Phantom of the Opera for free this weekend:

ALL HAIL KATHRYN HAHN:

And since we’re all cooking during quarantine:

Here are five recipes from The Great British Baking Show.

And here are ten recipes Top Chef chefs are cooking. (Although I guarantee my Putanesca recipe is both better and easier than the one listed here. If we get desperate, reader, I’ll be happy to share.)

All Other TV News

Stephen Colbert revealing to Phoebe Waller-Bridge what he thinks the fox represents in Fleabag is your NERD MOMENT OF THE DAY. (Seriously, though, this is amazing and she is utterly amazed. The moment comes at the 5:40 minute mark:)

This link is exactly what it says it is:

Parks and rec intro but everyone is Ron from r/PandR

Uh-oh: that sixth season of Lucifer, which seemed like a done deal just a few weeks ago, is now up in the air as negotiations with Lucifer himself, Tom Ellis and Warner Brothers have broken down.

As for the God Friended Me cancelation, it’s an unlikely solution, but Matt Roush offers an interesting salvation for the beloved series: Hallmark? You wanna pick it up? It’s probably too expensive for the cable network but it would be a good fit.

But Deputy? It’s unlikely to find a new home.

The Blacklist is going to put together a special episode to honor Brian Dennehy.

The Bob Ross Channel is coming to Roku, and not a moment too soon.

Here a bunch of actors name their favorite episodes of their shows. In case you care.

There is a Tiger King comic book in the works. Sure. OK. Why not.

There’s also a new Firefly comic in the works, so use your comic budget wisely.

Remembering that time there was a syndicated show based on Child’s Play but treated as a family sitcom and somehow not a horror series.

Windy City Rehab just keeps running into trouble.

Cancellations

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • Dummy will premiere on Quibi soon. You just need to watch this trailer, no spoilers:
  • Artemis Fowl will debut on Disney+ on June 12.
  • Iron Sharpens Iron will debut on Quibi on April 20.

R.I.P.

Steve Cash, YouTuber famous for the “Talking Kitty Cat” videos

WATCH THIS

FRIDAY

#blackAF: Kenya Barris, the creator of black-ish — which is based on his family life — stars in this new series which is … wait for it … based on his family life. Basically, this is black-ish with more cursing. Netflix (Just an update on this: the reviews have not been kind. It sounds like what he was aiming for was Curb Your Enthusiasm, but what he ended up with is somehow meaner and less funny.)

Bosch: Bosch deals with two new cases in the final season. Amazon Prime

Too Hot to Handle: Basically, imagine Love Island, but they’re not allowed to have sex. Series premiere. Netflix

Strike Back: The S20 reunite for one last mission in the series finale. 9 p.m., Cinemax

Friday Night in with the Morgans: Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Hilarie Burton Morgan host this new video talk show from their farm in upstate New York. The first episode will be a Supernatural family reunion, heads up. Series premiere. 9 p.m., AMC

SATURDAY

One World: Together at Home: Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, and Stephen Colbert co-host this telethon to raise relief funds with performances and appearances by Alanis Morissette, Andrea Bocelli, Billie Eilish, Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day, Burna Boy, Chris Martin, Eddie Vedder, Elton John, J Balvin, John Legend, Kacey Musgraves, Keith Urban, Kerry Washington, Lang Lang, and Priyanka Chopra Jonas. 7 p.m., ABC, NBC, CBS

Crikey! It’s the Irwins: Bindi’s Wedding: Listen, I’m not judging but 21 is a little young to get married. ALRIGHT, FINE, I’M JUDGING. 7 p.m., Animal Planet

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: To be honest, this movie could be about 30 minutes shorter, but that said, I still love it. I don’t know how many times a year I say, “I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey,” but it’s more than three. 9 p.m., Comedy Central

SUNDAY

The Last Dance: A 10-part documentary about Michael Jordan and the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls as they pursued their 6th championship win. 8 p.m., ESPN

The Longest War: A look at the human stories behind America’s involvement in Afghanistan — the longest war in American history. 9 p.m., Showtime

The Lake Erie Murders: So, this is a true-crime series about murders that took place around Lake Erie (duh) and what you should know about this episode is that it’s called “Cabin Fever.” No reason. 7 p.m., ID

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): Hugh Jackman, Rose Byrne
  • Watch What Happens Live (Friday): Mercedes Javid, Nema Vand
  • A Little Lat with Lily Singh (Friday): Reggie Watts

 

FRI. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Shark Tank
(repeat)
20/20
CBS MacGyver
(new)
Magnum P.I.
(new)
Blue Bloods
(repeat)
CW Charmed
(new)
Dynasty
(new)
Local
FOX Friday Night Smackdown Local
NBC The Blacklist
(new)
The Blacklist
(repeat)
TBA

SAT. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30 10:00 10:30 11:00 11:30
ABC One World: Together at Home
(live)
The Baker and the Beauty
(repeat)
News/Local
CBS One World: Together at Home
(live)
48 Hours News/Local
FOX 9-1-1
(repeat)
Gordon Ramsay’s 24 Hours to Hell and Back
(repeat)
News/Local
NBC One World: Together at Home
(live)
Saturday Night Live
(repeat)
News/
Local
Saturday Night Live
(repeat)

SUN. 6:00 6:30 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC America’s Funniest Home Videos
(repeat)
American Idol
(new)
The Rookie
(repeat)
CBS 60 Minutes God Friended Me
(new)
NCIS: Los Angeles
(new)
NCIS: New Orleans
(new)
The CW Local Batwoman
(repeat)
Supergirl
(repeat)
Local
FOX The Simp-sons
(repeat)
Bob’s Burgers
(repeat)
The Simp-sons
(new)
Duncan-ville
(new)
Bob’s Burgers
(new)
Family Guy
(new)
Local/News
NBC Little Big Shots
(repeat)
The Wall
(repeat)
Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist
(new)
Good Girls
(new)

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