‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Call me. Maybe.

The Real Housewives of New York
“It’s Kind of a Phone-y Story”
April 17, 2019

We begin where we left off: with Sonja screaming at Ramona to keep her filthy hands off of the Morgan letters, even though 1. Ramona didn’t touch the letters and 2. they likely were not real Morgan letters to begin with.

Barbara, who had not been on the tour, and who is not yet accustomed to this madness, is completely baffled by what is happening, but Bethenny, who also was not on the tour, just calmly removes Sonja from the table, takes her in the other room and explains that this is just the wine talking, and that she needs to let this Morgan nonsense go and have fun.

In the next room, Ramona informs Dorinda and The Countess who have returned from their smoke break that Sonja just lost her damn mind over the letters.



Ramona then joins Bethenny and Sonja to share with them my her new theory, that the letters weren’t real anyway so there’s no reason to be so bent out of shape with Dorinda for touching them. Sonja accepts this as the most realistic possibility. After all, what kind of uncouth monster would leave the correspondence between some minor Morgan cousins JUST LAYING ABOUT FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO PUT THEIR GRUBBY HANDS ALL OVER?

Sonja returns to the table, drinks some water, calms the fuck down and eats some naked dinner.

With the Sonja fire extinguished, Ramona decides to embark on her own lunacy and returns to the table in nothing but a negligee to the utter confusion of the other women. “You know the Bear-Naked Chef is gay, right?” everyone asks her because … genuinely … what the actual fuck is going on here? GO PUT ON PANTS. NO PANTS, NO DINNER. THEMS THE RULES.

Dinner concludes with a limoncello toast — because what this crowd definitely needs right now is some limoncello — and then everyone just begins dancing and grinding and humping inflatables. You know, a typical Berkshires dinner party.

But Barbara can’t hang, and she disappears into the Fish Room early, packs her bags, and lays awake waiting for dawn to break so that she can Get The FUCK Out of there as quickly as possible.

Everyone else, once they wake up with their hangovers, follow Barbara back to New York City. The exception is Bethenny who hangs back so that she can go on a walk with Dorinda and discuss a weird ghost message she received at her hotel from Dennis. Basically, she found a note on a notepad in an elevator? Near an elevator? That read: “You look spectacular, you’re amazing as always. D.” And you guys, YOU GUYS, Dennis used to tell her she was amazing all the time, so OBVIOUSLY his ghost left this message specifically for her in this public space that everyone had access to.

will ferrell story math checks out

LISTEN. I actually believe in ghosts and will go to my own grave swearing that I lived in a haunted house for a few years, but a note on a pad left in a random hallway is not a sign from the great beyond. IT JUST ISN’T.

Back in Manhattan, Bethenny makes her housekeeper watch her as she cries over old photographs of Dennis, and I don’t know, you guys, but maybe she’s not ready to date yet.

Elsewhere, Ramona, The Countess, and Sonja meet at a hair salon for blowouts. The Countess admits that she was obnoxious about getting her way about the rooms, but hey, the squeaky wheel gets the grease! And also, too, she’s a total asshole! Ramona is just glad The Countess didn’t stay at the hotel so that The Countess and Dorinda had a chance to kiss and makeup.

Sonja points out that Bethenny’s feelings were hurt by The Countess’ behavior and how she wanted Dorinda to give her Bethenny’s room, but the Countess is all, “AS IF I GIVE A FUCK.” Ramona and Sonja are both taken aback by this — after everything Bethenny did for The Countess? But The Countess is like, “What has she done, exactly?” They remind her that Bethenny secured her a lawyer and organized the intervention and put her in rehab, and basically saved her life and reputation and career, and The Countess’ response, and I quote:

“I appreciate all she’s done for me, but the least she could do is give me that goddamned room …

youre really acting like an asshole 16 candles

… Oh, let’s make Bethenny happy. BETHENNY BETHENNY BETHENNY … and if she takes it personally, BRING IT ON, GIRLFRIEND.”

the countess rhony bethenny bethenny bethenny

She’s just the fucking worst, y’all.

Later, Ramona and Sonja swing by a florist to order arrangements to send to Bethenny for an upcoming dinner party she’s hosting. There, Sonja scolds Ramona for hitting “reply all” on the email invitation to ask what “sparkly” means. BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT “SPARKLY” MEANS. PUT ON SOME RHINESTONES AND BE DONE WITH IT.

You guys, when they leave the store, the florist rolls her eyes SO HARD and I’ve never felt more connected to a stranger in my life.

Elsewhere, Tinsley has a weird lunch with The Countess where she explains that her father died as a result of his alcoholism. Tinsley still has a lot of residual issues, a lot of anger at him and his unwillingness to give up the booze for his family, and what she’s saying is that she doesn’t think alcoholism is a disease, it’s a choice and SHE’S REALLY KINDA PISSED AT THE COUNTESS FOR SOME REASON.

The Countess is like, “Alright, sounds like it is time for me to drag your ass to an Al-Anon meeting because you have too many issues to work out on me, a casual acquaintance.”

Also, too, Tinsley reveals that her publicist has arranged for her to be the ringmaster at the Big Apple Circus for no other reason than shits and giggles so I guess we have that to look forward to.

american horror story ahs apocalypse great sarcastic

Finally, Bethenny’s contractually-obligated dinner party that is in celebration of … sparkles. I guess.

She prepares for the party like everyone: having a team of makeup artists and hairdressers and IV vitamin pushers tending to every detail. She tells the 47 people in her bathroom that the company she hired to serve at the party is owned by her ex-boyfriend, who, for some mysterious reason, decided to come and supervise the bartenders while they set up. Turns out this was the guy she was dating — and pretty seriously — when Dennis swooped back into her life, and she basically ghosted Bartending Guy to be with Dennis. we briefly get to meet Bartending Guy and y’all, good lord, he’s pretty. So great decision-making all around, Bethenny. A+++ CHOICES.

He doesn’t stick around though, just long enough to be caught on camera before telling Bethenny he has another event to attend to.

Finally, the guests arrive — or, I should say, all of the guests arrive except for The Countess, who shows up one hour and fifteen minutes late because of “traffic.”

rude d'fwan 30 rock queen of jordan

After dinner, Dorinda toasts Barbara for surviving the Fish Room, and Barbara, not knowing how this game is played, tries to defuse the bomb Dorinda is lobbing at her by insisting that the sheets and comforter made the room worth staying in. Dorinda, undeterred, adds that she knew the shark wasn’t that scary and adds that she’s sure Barbara has woken up in places scarier than that.

“It was lovely,” Barbara replies, refusing to take the bait. Yes, I know that’s a pun and yes, they used it on the show, too.

Fully lubricated, Bethenny decides it would be a good time to play Truth or Dare again, because it went so well the last time, and orders Ramona to give her a dare. Ramona asks her if she thinks she’ll ever fall in love again because Ramona is an idiot.

When the other women point out that is a truth and not a dare, Ramona challenges Bethenny to kiss Barbara with tongue because I guess we’re all a bunch of sorority girls in 1999 trying to impress some dumb frat bros. Obviously, Bethenny and Barbara kiss.

who cares sophia

A reminder: it is the year 2020.

Someone asks Tinsley if she’s ever kissed a girl and she gasps, “NEVER!” prompting Sonja to suggest that she and Scott have no idea what they are doing in the bedroom and just pray for it to be over. Tinsley does not necessarily dispute this at the party, but reminds us in an interview that she’s been to jail and is more experienced than she looks.

martin freeman calm down a bit settle down

Bethenny dares Dorinda to call Fudgie, put him on speakerphone and have phone sex with him, and she does … sorta. But not at all. The most risque thing that is said is that she “can’t wait to be close” to him, but, hey it’s good enough for Fudgie.

horny zach galifianakis sexy

Gross. I’m sorry.

Tinsley is VERY UNCOMFORTABLE overhearing a couple be mildly affectionate with one another, and is mortified when the women ask her if she and Scott have phone sex. “NEVER!” she gasps again, which the women point out might be a problem.

Tinsley finds this conversation about her relationship with Scott to be embarrassing, and so when Bethenny dates her to call Scott and tell him that he’s the love of her life but that if they aren’t engaged by the end of the year, they need to see other people, Tinsley refuses. And understandably! Giving one’s long-distance boyfriend an ultimatum as the result of a drunken game of Truth and Dare with one’s reality show castmates is not a terrific idea.

Bethenny seems to realize this, too, so she lowers the bar and suggests that Tinsley just call Scott while they all listen in, but Tinsley, again is all, “ABSOLUTELY NOT.” The other women are like, “WHAAAAAT? WHY NOT? YOU CAN’T CALL YOUR BOYFRIEND WITHOUT MAKING HIM ANGRY? ARE YOU OK? ARE YOU SAFE, TINSLEY? DO WE NEED TO CALL A WOMEN’S SHELTER?” So Tinsley stomps out onto the balcony with The Countess for a cigarette.

So let’s just take a pause here because I need to take a deep breath before I defend that tragically coiled up little WASP …

BUT THE THING IS, Scott isn’t a Real Housewife or even a Real Househusband. He began dating Tinsley after she was on the show, he lives in a different city and has tried to break up with her, so, yeah, you know, he might not be pleased if she called him and put him on speakerphone for the benefit of cameras and a bunch of drunken 50- and 60-year-olds as part of some 6th grader’s game. I DO NOT BLAME HIM. And considering how delicate this relationship is, I do not blame her for not calling him, either. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

none of your business not your business amber ruffin late night seth meyers

Anyway, Dorinda tries, again, to start a fight with Barbara, and, again, it doesn’t stick, so who cares.

Meanwhile, Tinsley comes back inside and Bethenny is all, “Wow! I did not realize I crossed a line but I’m sorry I suggested that you … call … your boyfriend? But I just think you can’t be happy if he’s always dictating the terms of your relationship? And maybe he’s being too controlling?”

Orrrrrrrrr …. and hear me out … there’s a reason Bethenny has kept most of her boyfriends — and her child — off of the show because everyone is actually still entitled to a private life and sometimes bringing the cameras into one’s relationship — even just for a fun little jest — is not the healthiest thing for anyone involved?

Or maybe I’m a misogynist who doesn’t support other women.

who can say

And then Tinsley cries and cries and cries — which I agree is a bit much in response to merely being challenged to call a boyfriend. Bethenny notes that this is a warning sign that Tinsley may not actually be happy in the relationship …

no shit sherlock hillary clinton obviously

… while The Countess suggests that Tinsley just avoid Truth or Dare from here on out. Fair! But maybe they all should because none of them are in middle school anymore!

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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