You know what? I’m going to start each of these with the one thing I’ve found on the internets that has given the most joy in the past 24 hours because WE ALL NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
I have watched this 200 times now. https://t.co/Ajj9iFZkGI
— thereseodell (@thereseodell) April 14, 2020
Alright, so I’m going to get the political bullshit out of the way first while I’m still on my Reddi-wip high:
Your dipshit president decided that the best way to react to the reports about how badly he done fucked this up is to try the ol’ “HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!” while he runs away trick, and announced that we are going to stop giving money to the World Health Organization because somehow they made him not do a SINGLE FUCKING THING for the entire month of February and a good solid 10 days in March. Because you know what is a good idea? Defunding the W.H.O. DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT IS KILLING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
According to President Projection, W.H.O. was too ready to believe China’s lies about the virus, and therefore needs to be punished.
China has been working very hard to contain the Coronavirus. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency. It will all work out well. In particular, on behalf of the American People, I want to thank President Xi!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 24, 2020
Because the thing is: he HAS NO AUTHORITY TO TELL THE GOVERNORS WHEN TO OPEN OR CLOSE THEIR STATES. But his idiot followers and base will look at this and actually believe he’s being managerial.
What I can’t imagine anyone falling for is this incredibly dumb stunt where President Trump Isn’t Even Really His Name is insisting that his signature be on the physical stimulus checks. But because it is illegal for the President to sign the checks — and believe me, he wanted his name in the signature — his signature will actually appear in the memo section. This bullshittery is going to delay the checks’ delivery by several days. People are going to be hungry or not be able to pay important bills BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT IS A TOXIC NARCISSIST WHO CARES MORE ABOUT POLITICAL STUNTS THAN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
Meanwhile, Kellyanne Conway, who I am confident is not this stupid but thinks that the Fox News viewers are exactly this stupid said this today:
This is so embarrassing. Kellyanne Conway seems to think Covid-19 refers to the 19th virus strain instead of 2019. It’s like the joke about a fool seeing the play The Madness of King George III and saying “I liked it, but I wish I’d seen the first two.” pic.twitter.com/TKDw2HLmTZ
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) April 15, 2020
In local news, my state attorney general and currently under-indictment for committing felonies, Ken Paxton, has announced that fear of contracting COVID-19 will not be accepted as a reason to vote by mail, and that those doing so could face criminal sanctions. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: COVID-19 killed irony.
Texas Attorney General says that groups that encourage people to apply for a mail-in ballot solely because they fear contracting Covid-19 could face "criminal sanction." https://t.co/YCBrcT8Lz5 pic.twitter.com/NfirSPmgqV
— Sam Levine (@srl) April 15, 2020
Oh, and our governor is threatening to maybe open our state back up. Only one other state has tested fewer people per capita than Texas, so, you know, super:
— ABC13 Houston (@abc13houston) April 15, 2020
American Idol is going to have its contestants perform live from their homes for the final episodes. The competition begins on April 26.
Despite being deemed an “essential business” in Florida, WWE has announced they are going to furlough staff and cut executive pay. This is interesting, as Linda McMahon, wife of WWE owner Vince McMahon, just announced her pro-Trump super PAC would be pouring $18 million into Florida media markets the same day that Florida declared WWE an essential business.
“You know, regarding sports, I believe, and I think this is going to be implemented by the initiation and the initiative of the people who own these clubs. If you could get on television, Major League Baseball, to start July 4. Let’s say, nobody comes to the stadium. You just, you do it. I mean people say, “Well you can’t play without spectators.” Well, I think you’d probably get enough buy-in from people who are dying to see a baseball game. Particularly me. I’m living in Washington. We have the World Champion Washington Nationals. You know, I want to see them play again. But there’s a way of doing that because there have been some proposals both at the level of the NFL, Major League Baseball, National Hockey League, to get these people tested, and to put them in big hotels, you know, wherever you want to play. Keep them very well surveilled, namely a surveillance, but have them tested, like every week. By a gazillion tests. And make sure they don’t wind up infecting each other or their family. And just let them play the season out. I mean, that’s a really artificial way to do it, but when you think about it, it might be better than nothing.”
Fox News has moved to dismiss the COVID-19 disinformation lawsuit against them. This is neither surprising or even really newsworthy, I just mention it to remind you that a group has sued Fox News for spreading disinformation about the virus.
The MLB is going to participate in a massive antibodies test — a test that would normally take years to set up, will instead only take weeks, thanks to their involvement.
A bunch of celebrities are offering once-in-a-lifetime fan experiences in an effort to raise relief funds, including Kevin Hart, Justin Bieber, and Magic Johnson. One of these experiences is a walk-on role in Martin Scorsese’s upcoming movie, Killers of the Flower Moon.
George R.R. Martin is still working away on the books, which great, but nicer, in this post it’s noted that the Game of Thrones costume supervisor and her assistant have been busy making scrubs for health care workers in the U.K.
All Other TV news
ALRIGHT, LISTEN. I know this should be under “In Development” but we are in a pandemic right now and RULES ARE RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW. Quibi ordered an animated series called Filthy Animals that will be produced and voiced by Rashida Jones. Which, great. BUT HERE’S THE THING: The series was created and co-written by my friend (OK, my sister’s best friend, but we’re buddies, too) Johnny Smith along with the Haas brothers, who are Lukas’ younger brothers. I’m very excited for Johnny who is an Instagram artist in his own right (and if you don’t mind suggestive digital images, you should totally follow him) and who I just wrote about the other day in regards to the Trump/Tiger King mashups. ALSO, and I don’t know what this means, but this is the second person I know personally who has had a show produced by Rashida Jones. It’s a weird, small world.
CBS canceled God Friended Me yesterday, so I updated the renew/cancel gallery.
EPSN is going to air two different versions of The Last Dance, the ten-part Michael Jordan/Bulls documentary. EPSN will air the grown-up version with all the athletes using naughty words, and ESPN2 will simulcast it with the profanity edited out. Choose accordingly.
New Amsterdam‘s season finale aired last night and a few weeks too early. As for what was originally planned for the finale, it’s going to be folded into season three. And the pandemic episode they had to pull? Oh, they’ll be doing a pandemic episode at some point, trust.
We are streaming on average 8 hours a day, AND DO YOU BLAME US? STOP STREAM-SHAMING US.
One of those things that we’re streaming, A LOT, is Parasite. It is Hulu’s most-streamed independent or foreign language film among all titles and the second-most-watched movie overall. While every single article mentions this second and VERY interesting fact, not a single source mentions what the most-streamed movie is, and so we are all just going to have to live with that mystery, I’m afraid.
BREAKING: Michael Sheen ≠ Martin Sheen.
Chris Cuomo signed a new deal with CNN after some comments he made were interpreted to mean he wasn’t interested in continuing at the cable news network, so, you know.
NBC’s Peacock launches today in a limited fashion. It’s expected to launch nationally on July 15, but they are mulling over possibly pushing that up because of, well, everything. Here’s what we know about the streamer right now.
Matt Simmons, who was a part of a show called Wolves and Warriors, has been busted on gun charges which seems very out of character.
- Heartland Docs, DVM has been renewed for a second season at Nat Geo Wild.
- Middlesex is being developed into a series.
- Revenge Prank with DJ Pauly D and Vinny has been greenlit at MTV.
- Girls & Boys is in the works at Netflix.
- The Left Right Game is being turned into a series at Amazon.
- Seat at the Table with Anand Giridharadas is set at Vice.
- Nova Vita is coming to USA.
- Bob Odenkirk has created a production company at Sony Pictures TV.
- Here are all the Instagram models who will be on Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle.
- Bowen Yang is joining Trip on Quibi.
- Gordon Ramsay will be one of the first guests on The Masked Singer: After the Mask on Fox.
- Chris Jericho will co-host The Last Drive-In With Joe Bob Briggs on Shudder on April 24.
Mark Your Calendars
- Perry Mason will debut on HBO … soon.
Matthew Rhys can peek into my window any night of the week.
— HBO (@HBO) April 14, 2020
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. the Reverend will debut on Netflix on May 12. It’s going to be a choose-your-own-adventure type thing:
“Kimmy Schmidt sets off on her biggest adventure yet. Three states! Explosions! A dancing hamburger! And you, the viewer, get to decide how the story goes. Will you foil the Reverend’s evil plan and get Kimmy to her wedding on time? Or will you accidentally start a war against the robots? So grab your remote and a tray of delicious scrod, ‘cause Kimmy’s got her own Netflix interactive special!”
- The Eddy will debut on Netflix on May 8.
- Murder to Mercy: The Cyntoia Brown Story will debut on Netflix on April 29.
- Disney Gallery: The Mandalorian and Star Wars: The Clone Wars are coming to Disney+ on May 4.
- I Was Lorena Bobbitt will premiere on Lifetime on May 25.
- Natalie Wood: What Remains Behind will debut on HBO on May 5.
- Diners, Drive-ins and Dives: Takeout will debut on Food Network on April 24.
- Nadiya’s Time to Eat will debut on Netflix on April 29.
- Valeria will debut on Netflix on May 8.
ABC has released a number of summer dates:
- The Genetic Detective: May 19
- Holey Moley II: The Sequel: May 21
- To Tell the Truth: May 21
- Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: May 27
- Celebrity Family Feud: May 31
- Press Your Luck: May 31
- Match Game: May 31
Phil Borack, A founding board member of Regal Cinema
Mrs. America: The story of the Equal Rights Amendment, the women who fought for it, and the supervillain, Phyllis Schlafly, who led the conservative charge against it. Series premiere. FX on Hulu
What We Do in the Shadows: One of my favorite new shows from last year is back! Season premiere. 9 p.m., FX
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: They’re back and there is a SCANDALOUS story going around. Season premiere. 7 p.m., Bravo
Chicago Med: Unexpected season finale! 7 p.m., NBC
Chicago Fire: Unexpected season finale! 8 p.m., NBC
Chicago P.D.: Unexpected season finale! 9 p.m., NBC
Lego Masters: Totally expected season finale. 8 p.m., Fox
Nancy Drew: In the season finale, Nancy and her friends look into a new mysterious death. 8 p.m., The CW
The Innocence Files: A documentary series about The Innocence Project and their crusade to help these wrongfully convicted. Series premiere. Netflix
Outer Banks: Teens look for treasure and surf or something. Series premiere. Netflix
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Pharrell Williams, Millie Bobby Brown
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Chris Hayes
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Shaquille O’Neal, Jessica Meir, Matt Berninger
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Yuval Noah Harari, Lewis Capaldi
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jason Bateman
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Conan: Russell Brand
- Watch What Happens Live: Garcelle Beauvais, Dorit Kemsley
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Lauren Ash, Ben Feldman
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