Oh, we’re going to get to yesterday’s completely unhinged looney-toons White House press briefing, trust, but first, as an amuse-bouche, I invite you to enjoy this short, delightful, and all-too-real video in which April 2020 Julie Nolke reveals to January 2020 Julie Nolke her future (h/t BoingBoing):
Alright. So. As I mentioned yesterday, President Pissbaby had a particularly bad weekend because The New York Times ran a particularly damning piece, backed up with emails, that showed just how terribly the Incompetent-in-Chief bungled this thing, and squandered an entire month which cost Americans their lives, despite being warned and warned and warned again by the experts that THIS WAS VERY BAD AND MUST BE TAKEN VERY SERIOUSLY. Instead, President Asshole held rallies and played golf.
So he marched into yesterday’s White House press briefing full of bluster and a worse attitude than usual and armed with a propaganda video that he admitted the White House staff had made (despite it being very much a campaign video, and therefore explicitly illegal for them to do so). The video is a real piece of work and I strongly advise you to skip it. That said, if you do watch, pay attention to him and take note of his preening while the video plays, and how desperate he is for the journalists in the room to approve:
— Austin Kellerman (@AustinKellerman) April 13, 2020
Alright, so MSNBC and CNN were both like, “OH, FUCK THIS,” when it became clear this was just some propaganda bullshit, and cut away. They returned to the briefing when the medical experts were allowed to talk, and somehow the briefing only became more bananas from there.
As we’ve discussed here a number of times, President I Take No Responsibility has been saying that the response to the virus is entirely left to the governors and that President I Alone Can Fix It bears no obligations to do jack shit, like encourage recalcitrant governors to issue stay-at-home orders or to help coordinate supplies and health care workers and testing, or to make recommendations regarding supply lines. This is why it is particularly fucking infuriating that he now thinks he’s in charge of telling the governors when they have to reopen their economies so as to not hurt his re-election chances. Or, as he put it:
TRUMP: "When somebody is the president of the United States, the authority is total. And that's the way it's gotta be. It's total." pic.twitter.com/zIuiBn1Mhw
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) April 13, 2020
NARRATOR: It’s not.
When this reporter pointed out that the President’s authority is not in fact total, he shushes her:
OMG trump gets pressed on his "total authority" statement, tries to side-step it, gets pressed again, and then shuts her down.
"But who told you the President has total authority?"
— BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) April 13, 2020
And then CBS’s Paula Reid came in with the body blow, asking him what, exactly, he did to stop the virus in the month of February? No one seems to have told Paula Reid that President Spoiled Toddler is to never be challenged:
.@PaulaReidCBS presses Pres. Trump about his administration's early actions on the coronavirus, after he spent the beginning of his press conference complaining about his media coverage https://t.co/ySmFq3sUis pic.twitter.com/iKuTfTqg4I
— CBS News (@CBSNews) April 13, 2020
Yeah, that didn’t go well for him. So imagine JUST IMAGINE how furious he is going to be when he sees what chyrons CNN was putting up during this shitshow:
A CNN chyron for the ages pic.twitter.com/TlMlZlc4je
— Jeremy Barr (@jeremymbarr) April 13, 2020
Oh, but that’s not all, friends:
The CNN chyron has zero fucks left to give. pic.twitter.com/JNgPVgNfzK
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) April 13, 2020
— ⚜️𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝙲𝚊𝚓𝚞𝚗 𝙱𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑⚜️ (@CrankyAssCajun) April 13, 2020
CNN's chyron: pic.twitter.com/F959i7eWav
— Vicky Ward (@VickyPJWard) April 13, 2020
Someone at CNN is really going for the gold. pic.twitter.com/su8drsOpFp
— MonicaBPotts (@MonicaBPotts) April 13, 2020
GLORIOUS. BRAVA, CNN CHYRON WRITER. YOU GET ALL OF THE EMMYS.
YouTube is going to host free digital screenings of The Hunger Games this Friday, which is only fitting seeing as I’m pretty sure the states having to ban together to protect themselves from a fatal virus because a corrupt government failed them is how the Districts were formed in the original material. (It’s not, but it could have been.)
Zac Efron is joining the “Disney Singalong” on Thursday for a High School Musical reunion (sorta).
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who is a fucking moron, has deemed the WWE an “essential business” because he is a walking cliché. (Interesting note: TMZ, which seems appalled by this story, nevertheless never mentions DeSantis by name a single time. Not once. WHAT’S GOING ON THERE, TMZ?)
Oh what do you know, but Cannes might not just be rescheduled and likely won’t “take place in its original form.” HUH. YOU DON’T SAY.
My older kid is a freshman in college, my younger a sophomore in high school, and so while it doesn’t affect our family directly, it hurts my heart to think of all the high school and college seniors who are having to miss out on big moments like prom and graduation. iHeartRdio is launching a podcast, Commencement: Speeches for the Class of 2020, in which celebrities like Jimmy Fallon, Hillary Clinton, Katie Couric, and David Chang among others, deliver commencement speeches.
As for prom, Nick Kroll and Conan reveal that they had shitty — literally — experiences with the dance:
Ann Sullivan, an animator at Disney and Hanna-Barbera has died of the virus. She was the third person from The Motion Picture and Television Fund’s nursing home to pass from COVID-19.
Bishop Gerald Glenn, a Virginia pastor who kept his church’s doors open, died from coronavirus complications after a packed service in March.
Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, Halsey, Chelsea Handler, Tony Bennett, Danny DeVito, Whoopi Goldberg, Charlie Puth, Kelly Ripa, Jon Stewart, SZA and Saquon Barkley are teaming up for a benefit for New Jersey which is being hit hard by this virus.
One World: Together at Home, Saturday’s big telethon, has added a few more performers, including: Taylor Swift, Celine Dion, Shawn Mendes, Camila Cabello, Jennifer Lopez, Alicia Keys, Sam Smith, Usher and Pharrell Williams.
The Agoraphobics Detective Society, a mystery series starring Brian Cox and others and filmed entirely from their homes, is in the works to raise money for TV freelancers.
All Other TV News
Disney+ CGI’d out Daryl Hannah’s butt in Splash, and … you guys … it’s absolutely amazing:
Disney+ didn't want butts on their platform so they edited Splash with digital fur technology pic.twitter.com/df8XE0G9om
— Allison Pregler 📼 (@AllisonPregler) April 13, 2020
Quibi had 1.7 million downloads in its first week. Which is a good improvement from the 300,000 downloads on the first day, but still seems pretty puny when you compare it to Disney+’s 10 million subscribers on the first day. Also interesting: it looks like they are second-guessing the whole “mobile ONLY” aspect of the service and it will be able to be cast to TVs sometime in the future.
Meanwhile, NBC’s Peacock is still set to debut … TOMORROW? Apparently tomorrow, but only for those of you who are Comcast subscribers. The rest of us plebes have to wait until July.
I told you the Grey’s Anatomy finale rumors were going to start leaking, and leaking soon. Seems a major character was going to be killed off in a “cataclysmic event.”
Nathalie Kelley, the now-star of The Baker and the Beauty, admits that she wasn’t up to the task of playing Cristal Numera Una on the reboot of Dynasty. Considering we are now on Cristal Numera Tres, it seems no one is.
One of my favorite ripple effects from Tiger King are all the celebrities who have been forced to distance themselves from Tiger King. Meanwhile, multiple people featured in the documentary are allegedly under federal investigation. HUH? THEM? WHY? Meanwhile, Carole Baskin is really disappointed in you guys.
And a delightful reminder that John Oliver was all about Joe Exotic, long before the rest of the world:
Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of Tyra Banks’ America’s Next Top Model meltdown at Tiffany. Maybe mark it on your calendar so you don’t miss the 20th?
- 9-1-1 and 9-1-1: Lone Star have both been renewed at Fox.
- God Friended Me has been canceled at CBS after two seasons.
- Netflix has signed a deal with the comic book publisher Boom!
- Our Queen at War, a documentary is being prepared at BBC.
- A series about the founder of Snapchat is not going forward at Quibi.
Mark Your Calendars
- Dirty John will premiere on USA on June 2.
- DC’s Stargirl will premiere on The CW on May 19.
- Circus of Books will debut on Netflix on April 22.
- Creepshow will debut on AMC on May 4.
- Private Lives of the Monarchs will return on Smithsonian on May 18.
- All three days of the NFL draft will air on ABC on April 23-25.
- Dude Perfect: Backstage Pass will premiere on YouTube on May 11.
Craig Gilbert, Documentarian and creator of American Family, considered the father of reality TV.
Danny Goldman, Actor and voice of Brainy Smurf
Loring Mandel, Emmy-winning screenwriter and playwright
Matt Holzman, Los Angeles NPR producer
Sesame Street: Elmo’s Playdate: In this new special, Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, and Abby Cadabby find ways to have a playdate virtually. God, it hurts my heart that we need this for our babies right now, but here we are. 6 p.m., HBO, HBO Latino, TBS, TNT, truTV, Cartoon Network and Boomerang
New Amsterdam: In the season finale, the doctors are alarmed when multiple patients develop similar symptoms. BUT DON’T WORRY, THIS IS NOT A PANDEMIC. They know we’re not ready yet. (But it’s definitely coming, don’t kid yourself.) 8 p.m., NBC
Deadliest Catch: The Alaskans compete with the goddamned Russians in the two-hour season premiere. 7 p.m., Discovery
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Michael Shannon, JJ Watt, Rita Ora
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Billy Eichner
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Dr. Jonathan LaPook, Cate Blanchett
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Dan Levy, Meghan Trainor
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: George Stephanopoulos
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Conan: Keegan-Michael Key
- Watch What Happens Live: Amy Schumer, Bridget Everett
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Nikki Glaser
|Bless This Mess
|FBI: Most Wanted
|FBI: Most Wanted
|DC’s Legends of Tomorrow
|FOX||The Masked Singer
|NBC||Ellen’s Game of Games
|NBC News: Coronavirus Pandemic|