‘The Bachelor’: The Women Indistinctly Yell All

The Bachelor
March 2, 2020

It’s time for the usually raucous “Women Tell All” special where some, but not all, of the contestants return to talk over one another, wish The Bachelor well, and make their best case for being cast on Bachelor in Paradise. It’s a completely unnecessary waste of two hours of our precious time. Let’s begin.

We actually begin in Australia, with two of the three women preparing for the Rose Ceremony: Van Gogh and White Lives Matter, but no sign of Purity Ball anywhere. There’s yammering about falling in love with Pilot Peter and being excited for where this is all headed, but the only thing the audience is being primed for is: WHERE IS PURITY BALL? WILL SHE SHOW UP? HAS SHE ALREADY FLOWN BACK TO ALABAMA?

Chris Harrison greets Pilot Peter at the Rose Ceremony Elimination Deck who admits that things went “horribly” with Purity Ball the night before and he’s not sure if she’s going to show up at all.

Van Gogh arrives, White Lives Matter arrives, and then there is a long dramatic pause where … absolutely nothing happens. But because the producers obviously know Purity Ball’s whereabouts, she shows up just as the other two women are ready to get this show on the road.

Pilot Peter then joins them, tells them he’s “grateful” for his relationships with all of them, but he’s more “grateful” for two of these relationships than the other:

Rose #1: Van Gogh
Rose #2: Purity Ball

And so we say goodbye to White Lives Matter some 7 weeks after she first practically begged Pilot Peter to send her home. I’d say good riddance but we all know perfectly well that White Lives Matter was spawned in a lab that grows Bachelor in Paradise contestants. She’ll be making out with Chris Bukowski in a hot tub while an iguana looks on three months from now.

you can fly away now captain

See you in August.

And as for you, Van Gogh, did you see how Pilot Peter’s hands were shaking when he offered Purity Ball that rose? Did you see that intense hug between them? You know the score, right, honey?

why am i here shoshanna girls

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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With that, we head back to the Bachelor Studio for the “Women Tell All” “special” where we are joined by some — but certainly not all — of the contestants:

Hairless Pussycat
Denise Huxtable
Economy Sized Condom Pack
Hubba Hubba
Windmill Costume
Miss Texas
Rowdy Roddy Piper
Air Sickness Bag
Little Red Corvette
Alabama City
Miss Louisiana
Mom Jeans
Champagne Wishes
White Lives Matter

Notably absent? The only two contestants who had a reasonable head on their shoulders and who weren’t afraid to call bullshit: Ally McBeal and Come Hither. I guess they have had enough of this nonsense and honestly, who can blame them?

Chris Harrison begins by asking the women for their opinion on Purity Ball’s position on the whole Fantasy Suite issue, and Little Red Corvette argues that Purity Ball knew what show she was going on and that it was not fair to give him an ultimatum whereas Alabama City argues that Purity Ball was staying true to her values, and she respects her for it. (Even though Purity Ball immediately betrayed those same values by still accepting a rose from him after he sexytimed two different women? OK.)

Chris Harrison introduces the first montage, before tackling the first controversy: the war between the states, Miss Texas and Miss Louisiana. Some of the other women attack Miss Texas, that she was too fake, too pageanty, too performative, and Miss Texas is like, “YEAH. I’M A PAGEANT GIRL. THIS IS MY WHOLE JOB.” Some of the other women attack Miss Louisiana for seeming to simultaneously talk shit about Miss Texas while also pretending to be her friend, but the whole panel begins just screaming at each other and nothing is accomplished BECAUSE NOTHING IS ACCOMPLISHED ON ANY OF THESE DUMB REUNION SHOWS.

Chris Harrison then moves on to Champagnegazi, as I prefer to call it, and … God bless her … Champagne Wishes admits that she overreacted.


There’s some discussion about Champagne Wishes’ fight with Rowdy Roddy Piper and whether or not she called Champagne Wishes a pill popper, which drags Miss Louisiana into it, as she is a nurse and she had some medical concerns about Champagne Wishes’ behavior. “You’re a dermatologist,” someone (presumably Champagne Wishes?) hisses, which, sick burn? I guess? But a dermatologist is a medical doctor, so yeah, she might actually know something about medicine if she were a dermatologist (which she is not)? IT’S ALL SO VERY DUMB YOU GUYS.

Champagne Wishes then becomes weepy, arguing that Rowdy Roddy Piper labeling her an alcoholic is disrespectful to actual alcoholics and she IS NOT OK WITH THAT. And that’s when Mom Jeans piles on, accusing Rowdy Roddy Piper of making her feel bad about herself, to which Rowdy Roddy Piper asks how long Mom Jeans took to rehearse her little speech. Rowdy Roddy Piper also accuses Mom Jeans of spreading her legs every time a camera was nearby, which I do not actually remember happening at any point during the season, I remember her thing being an out-of-control tongue:

mykenna tongue 1 bachelormykenna tongue 2 bachelormykenna tongue 3 bachelor

Mom Jeans does not take this well.

mykenna how dare you the bachelor women tell all

… and then Mom Jeans urges Rowdy Roddy Piper to move to Canada where she will learn to treat people with respect. Good one.

(Not actually a good one.)

Meanwhile, even Chris Harrison can’t hide how dumb all of this is:

Chris Harrison calls up Champagne Wishes to talk about her crying ALL THE DAMN TIME, and how it felt to have champagne go up her nose, before bringing out Khaste Kardashian with a magnum of champagne that Champagne Wishes cradles like a baby.

And honestly? I feel this:

kelsey champagne dancing drink the bachelor

Next up “in the hot seat” is White Lives Matter. There, she talks about how frustrated she is with herself, how watching back, she realizes how much he cared about her, and how she wishes she could have allowed Pilot Peter to “love her the way he wanted to.” (Gross.)

Chris Harrison asks her about the hometown visit, and point-blank asks her if she broke up any marriages, and she insists that she absolutely did not.

and I said no you know like a liar lie mulaney

With that, we do that irritating thing where Chris Harrison and The Bachelor (and Pilot Peter’s parents because HE STILL LIVES WITH THEM) drop in on viewing parties that clearly and obviously were expecting them to stop by, because we have to fill two hours somehow.

Pilot Peter then joins the women in the Bachelor Studio where Champagne Wishes tearfully wishes him luck in love or whatever, and White Lives Matter thanks him for being so “patient” with her. Mom Jeans gives Pilot Peter shit for keeping her around five minutes longer just so that he could eliminate her during the Rose Ceremony, which will never not be hilarious. And Non-Consensual asks him if he regrets sending some women home without giving them a chance while keeping around DRAMA QUEENS who WERE NOT THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, and Pilot Peter is like, “Nah.”

This is followed up by bloopers. I don’t do bloopers. And then, strangely, they bring out Rachel Lindsay to do a whole segment on online bullying where she reads aloud some awful racist messages some of the contestants have received. And here’s the thing: it is SHOCKING to me the things these women are subjected to, the awful things people say about their looks. I know it’s somewhat hypocritical for me to clutch pearls over the contestants on The Bachelor receiving abuse from online trolls since I devote thousands of words every week trolling the contestants on The Bachelor. But I do hope that I keep the majority of my comments focused firmly on their behavior, not on their appearances (aside from the occasional stupid outfit). These women are beautiful — all of them — so keep your nasty comments focused on their inability to string a coherent sentence together and not on their hair, you assholes.

Alright. The big two-night finale is next week. Someone send me one of those baby-sized bottles of champagne, and I’ll see you then.

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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