On the bright side: at least we now know how we’re all going to die!


I’ve been battling the flu since this weekend, today being the first day I feel somewhat normal, so as you can imagine I have been following this Covid-19 news FAIRLY CLOSELY, convinced I was going to die even though neither I nor anyone I know has been to Wuhan, China, Iran or Italy anytime recently. I’m a hypochondriac, whaddya gonna do.

So this is what we’re talking about:

This video reminds me, and not in a good way, of a video I saw in 2007 — one year before the economic crisis of 2008 — of the real estate bubble depicted as a roller coaster that suggested something bad — REAL BAD — was about to happen, it was inevitable.

As you’ve certainly heard, the virus is incredibly contagious and the world is scrambling to prevent it from becoming a full-blown pandemic. To this end, big events are reconsidering whether or not they should happen: Comic-Con is keeping a close eye on events and taking a “wait-and-see” approach; a senior member of the International Olympic Committee suggested the Tokyo Olympics could be canceled altogether, and that they would have to decide by May; Hollywood has been halting filming in Asia and other locations and holding their breath until movie theaters open back up again in China to see what the damage will be; and China’s theater owners, some two dozen of them, won’t be attending CinemaCon 2020 in Las Vegas, which has not been canceled.

Meanwhile, our idiotic government is handling this just as idiotically as you would expect. Look, I’m still too weak to launch into a full-throated screamy rant about all of this, so the TS;CY (too sick; can’t yell) is this: President Second Grader has tied his presidency to the success of the economy and has routinely pointed to the stock market as proof that he’s doing a good job. The coronavirus has taken a BIG OL’ hit on the stock market since the virus has shut down entire cities of millions of people, thereby disrupting markets and supply chains, etc. and President Mantrum is really upset about it. He had a press conference yesterday where he basically said that everything is fine and when you think about it, no one in the United States is actually sick and even if they are, it’s no worse than the common flu (and I’m here to remind you the common flu FUCKING SUCKS) and anyway, the Democrats are just making this seem like a bigger deal than it actually is because they want the stock market and my presidency to fail, SO EVERYONE JUST CALM DOWN ALREADY, JEEZ.

He was immediately contradicted by the scientists he brought along with him to the press conference who said that this has the potential to be very bad and we all need to be prepared.

But don’t worry! President Wheezy made Mike Pence the point person on the crisis — you know, the guy who oversaw a HIV crisis in his home state because he wanted to pray the gay away. And anyway, it’s not like President Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the type of guy to contradict science if it doesn’t align with his world view and expect his appointees and cronies to go along with it …

donald trump sharpie hurricane

We are all doomed.

In other TV news

Back in January, it was announced that the Lizzie McGuire reboot at Disney+ was looking for a new showrunner. The series’ original showrunner, Terri Minsky, was fired after two episodes had been filmed and the entire production has remained on hiatus. Now, the story is coming out, following Disney+ moving Love, Victor, the spinoff of the gay teen film Love, Simon, was moved from Disney+ to Hulu because it wasn’t deemed family-friendly enough. Star Hilary Duff posted about it on Instagram, noting that it “sounds familiar.” According to this story, Duff and Minsky wanted to do a more adult Lizzie McGuire series about Lizzie in her thirties, whereas Disney wanted something that would appeal to kids, like the original series. And now everything is in limbo.

Two stories crossed my path today that are related that we need to discuss:

  1. Kelly Clarkson and Melissa McCarthy had a little competition to see who knew more about Gilmore Girls and Clarkson soundly beat McCarthy.
  2. Courtney Cox revealed that the Friends cast have only hung out twice since the show ended.

I have to admit that it was not until last year when I had the honor of moderating the Lost panel at Comicpalooza that I really came to fully appreciate that these roles that actors play, they’re just jobs to them. They aren’t deeply invested in the stories the way a fan is, and they aren’t obligated to remain best friends with their co-workers any more than you are. And yet entertainment journalism would have you believe that they maintain an encyclopedic memory of every plot detail and hang out with their fellow cast members every weekend some twenty years later. LET THEM BE PEOPLE, Y’ALL.

Important questions: How easy will it be for the dummies who got married on Love is Blind to get an annulment? NOT VERY, it turns out.


In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • It’s almost as if … everything Pete Davidson has said and done in the past week is a big act … ANYWAY, John Mulaney is your SNL host this week.
  • The Letter for the King will debut on Netflix on March 20.
  • Marc Maron: End Time Fun will debut on Netflix on March 10.


Camila María Concepción, Writer on Gentefied and Trans Latina activist

Lee Phillip Bell, Co-creator of The Young and the Restless, and The Bold and the Beautiful

Ben Cooper, Actor and star of Bonanza and Johnny Guitar


Altered Carbon: Anthony Mackie takes over the lead in the second season fo the sci-fi drama which takes place some 30 years after season one. Season premiere. Netflix

Love is Blind: Finale. WILL THEY ALL MAKE IT TOGETHER? Netflix

Tommy: A bomb threat, riots and a mudslide all at once? What is this, 9-1-1? 9 p.m., CBS

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Mark Wahlberg, Storm Reid, Goody Grace featuring blink-182
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Elisabeth Moss, Richard E. Grant, Mt. Joy, Michel’Le Baptiste
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: John Turturro, KALEO
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Alison Brie, Will Forte, Doug Smith
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Mark Wahlberg, Storm Reid, Goody Grace featuring blink-182
  • The Daily Show: Jessie Reyez
  • Conan: Steve Coogan
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Liza Treyger, Russell Peters, Andrew Santino
  • Watch What Happens Live: Huey Lewis, Rachel Dratch
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Retta


THUR 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Station 19
Grey’s Anatomy
A Million Little Things
CBS Young Sheldon
The Unicorn
Carol’s Second Act
CW Katy Keene
FOX Last Man Standing
NBC Super-store
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Will & Grace
Law & Order: SVU

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