Bachelor in Paradise
September 3, 2019
Oh hi. It’s still early September 2019, right? It’s definitely still the summer and fall TV has not yet happened and the President of the United States has not been impeached and we haven’t kicked off a whole new decade and aren’t on the verge of another war in the Middle East, a war my children and their friends are now old enough to be sent to and therefore recapping a worthless bit of summer television fluff makes total and complete sense, right?
GOOD. Because I promised to finish this season of this STUPID SHOW and BY GOD, I AM GOING TO DO IT EVEN IF WE ARE ON THE EDGE OF THE GODDAMNED APOCALYPSE. BECAUSE WHY NOT.
~guzzles an entire box of wine~
We begin the episode in the aftermath of Charlie Brown’s Teacher deciding that he has had absolutely enough of this bullshit of being called a “great guy” right before he’s dumped and leaving Paradise once and fucking for all. The Bachelor rejects who weren’t there for his goodbye are all, “WHAAAAAAAA?” including Cowboy who is finally realizing that he has roughly 48, 72 hours to find someone to tolerate him (it ain’t gonna happen) and wondering what he is even doing there. Excellent question, Descartes.
Elsewhere, John Paul Jones is gloating over the vanquishing of his rival, even though Piggyback Ride is in NO MOOD to talk to him right now and doesn’t even know if she really wants to be with him.
Later, Piggyback does have a chat with John Paul Jones where he insists he is “there” for her, and she’s like, “uh-huh,” before going into a confessional to say that while he’s fun to hang out with in Paradise, it’s hard to see anything long-term with this clown.
He then immediately runs into the surf and grabs a fish with his bare hands.
I dunno, a guy who can fish with his hands might be marriage material during the apocalypse. Something to think about.
The next morning, the next new arrival strolls into Paradise: Chase from Jojo’s season, or “Yab Yum” as I called him because he and Jojo the Unicorn went to a sexy yoga class where they were forced to perform the “yab yum.” It was exactly as gross and stupid as it sounds.
So Yab Yum had been at the wedding earlier in the week and therefore has no interest in doing the whole chitchat song and dance, and he cuts right to the chase …
… and asks Batman out on his date. She happily agrees.
This gives Play-Doh all the sads because IT’S REALLY HARD TO WATCH HER DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Even though he came on the show to publicly date other people. As Batman prepares to leave for her date, Play-Doh whines to some of the other men that he just doesn’t know if he can truly invest in Miami Mami while Batman is dating other people. As if one thing has anything to do with the other.
Mike Johnson sits Play-Doh down and is like, “Dude.” Play-Doh again whines that it’s really hard to date someone when your ex is right in your face flaunting the fact that she is moving on with her life. Play-Doh insists that he tried to be nice in the breakup, telling Batman that it wasn’t her, it was him.
But was she grateful? NOPE. Because she’s off on this date telling Yab Yum that Play-Doh dragged out their breakup for weeks, keeping her hanging on. Meanwhile, Mike Johnson urges Play-Doh to sit Batman down and talk to her once and for all, FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS CAUGHT UP IN THEIR BULLSHIT.
Speaking of bullshit: Cowboy, increasingly panicked that he is going to be sent home, even though there are only like 16 hours left, and the chances of him finding the love of his life (whom he hasn’t already fucked at a music festival) are increasingly diminishing, decides that the truth has been in front of him all this time: OLYA POVLATSKY. It’s always been Olya! HOW COULD HE HAVE BEEN SO BLIND ALL THIS TIME?
Cowboy asks to talk to Olya, to which she flatly says, “No.”
Eventually, Olya relents and agrees to talk to Cowboy, and there he suggests that they give their relationship a real shot. They clearly gravitate towards one another, why not give it a chance? But Olya is like, “OH REALLY? YOU SUDDENLY DECIDE THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME ON ROSE CEREMONY EVE? HOW VERY CONVENIENT.”
The next night is, in fact, the Rose Ceremony. After the obligatory introduction by Chris Harrison, our Bachelor rejects split off to chat and make out and figure out who is giving a rose to whom.
Another NBA Dancer can’t convince Old Matt Donald to kiss her because he is so nervous and wants it to be “special.” Or … and hear me out here … this is a whole Big situation and Old Matt Donald is actually a 12-year-old boy who has magically been turned into an adult by a Zoltar machine.
Eventually, after a pep talk from Chris Harrison and a beach towel mopping by John Paul Jones, Old Matt Donald gathers enough courage to kiss Another NBA Dancer. The crowd literally cheers, the producers montage over him swimming dolphins, roaring lions, fireworks, and crowds. I have to imagine being treated this way by the editors is SO MUCH WORSE than if he had just kissed her on their date, but it’s also been a long while since I was a seventh grader so what do I know.
In other seventh-grader news, Smug Chris and V-Card declare that they are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Elsewhere, Play-Doh and Batman finally have their breakup talk: basically, he wanted her to come to the gym with him; she didn’t want to spend four freaking hours a day at the gym; she wanted to be a wife and mother; he didn’t want to have to support her and a bunch of kids; WELL THAT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TWO DAYS BEFORE HE DUMPED HER HE WAS SPECULATING ON WHAT THEIR KIDS WOULD LOOK LIKE; YEAH WELL SHE WOULD CALL HIM ALL UPSET AND HYSTERICAL; THAT WAS ONE TIME; and in conclusion, they choose to just coexist and be adults and wish each other all the best.
ERROR: ISSUE NOT RESOLVED.
As for that dipshit Cowboy, he reveals to Miss North Carolina that he and Olya are going to give it a shot.
Miss North Carolina:
Of course, he needs to run this by Olya herself, who remains intensely skeptical and wonders why here, why now. GIRL, KEEP ASKING YOURSELF THAT.
Rose Ceremony time!
Miami Mami: Play-Doh
Kristian: Red Flag
Batman: Yab Yum
Empty Gift Box: Humphrey Bogart
V-Card: Smug Chris
Twin #1: Nick Viall Jr.
Miss North Carolina: Vocal Fry
Another NBA Dancer: Old Matt Donald
Piggyback Ride: John Paul Jones
Olya Povlatsky: Cowboy
Which means, adios, Mike Johnson.
You deserved better, and while in this very moment as you are being sent back home brokenhearted, you still have a sliver of hope that you will be America’s first black Bachelor.
I have some disappointing news.
So. Next morning. There are STILL people arriving because SURE. TRUE LOVE IS GOING TO TAKE PLACE IN THE NEXT 36 HOURS, DEFINITELY. And in walks Bri from Colton’s season, or as I named her, “Fake Australian” for the way she pretended to be Australian on the first night. And you know what? Doing an Australian accent? IT’S HARD BUSINESS.
She waltzes in and immediately asks to speak to Cowboy because for reasons that still remain COMPLETELY BAFFLING TO ME, every woman in “Bachelor Nation” (~mouth vomit~) is into this thick-headed doofus. However, to everyone’s shock — Olya’s most of all — Cowboy turns down Fake Australian’s offer mostly to prove to everyone that he’s not an asshole. “And honestly,” he lies, “I don’t think I would have had a good time on the date.”
Fake Australian invites Old Matt Donald instead, and the two of them go surfing and hang out on the beach where, in fact, Josh Baskin manages to find the confidence to kiss the girl — ON THE FIRST DATE AND EVERYTHING.
So, the next morning? The same day? Three months later?
Everyone is working out and talking about their feelings and Miss North Carolina and Vocal Fry are talking to their friends about how great things are between them and how they are going to go to the “boomboom room” (~MOUTH VOMIT INTENSIFIES~) that night and Miss North Carolina is going on and on and ON about how SHE DOESN’T EVEN MISS KEWPIE DOLL ANY MORE. IN FACT, SHE’S RELIEVED HE’S GONE. NO MORE MUSTACHES FOR THIS LADY RIGHT HERE.
So, of course, that’s when a freshly-shaven Kewpie Doll returns.
Obviously.
As Humphrey Bogart puts it: “Kewpie Doll is back. I have no idea what this dude is about to do, but here he is with no mustache? Kewpie Doll means business.”
ACCURATE.
Kewpie asks to speak to Miss North Carolina, who agrees, but with an edge of panic, demanding to know why he’s there. Once Kewpie Doll and Miss North Carolina reach the beach bed, Kewpie Doll confesses to everything: he wasn’t kidding when he said their first date was the best date he’d ever been on in his life — they were honest with one another and she accepted the worst parts of him. But the closer they became, the more he tried to keep her at arm’s length for his own self-preservation until he decided he should leave because that’s what would be best for her.
But he thought about her the entire way back to San Diego and then he drove to the Grand Canyon and the entire time all he could think about was how disappointed he was that she wasn’t with him. It then occurred to him that they became incredibly close after only one week, and what if she was getting close to someone else RIGHT THEN?
Cut to Vocal Fry grousing that Kewpie Doll should just GO BACK TO HIS VAN. (Which, I mean: fair.)
Miss North Carolina agrees that they had something special and passionate but then HE WENT AND FUCKED IT ALL UP. She wants a partner in this life — and Kewpie Doll insists that he does too! It just took him a bit longer to figure that out, and to realize that if he waited until he was perfect to commit himself to someone, he’d be alone forever. It’s time for him to stop running away.
To that end, he wants her to leave Paradise with him.
Right now.
Today.
Miss North Carolina:
The rejects still in Paradise:
The rejects who have been further rejected:
Bachelor in Paradise aired months ago. Why am I even doing this to myself?