Dr. Fiona Hill is the hero we have been waiting for (but, sadly, even she won’t be able to save us from the Orange Menace)

Impeachment Corner!


Yesterday was the end of the public hearings in the impeachment inquiry into President Can’t Go A Day Without Committing a Crime, at least for now, maybe forever. (I say that, but a Politico article that suggests the Democrats might actually be gearing up for another hearing to look into whether or not President Fucko lied in the Robert Mueller investigation. SPOILER ALERT: He did. The hearing hinges on whether or not they can force former White House Counsel Don McGahn to testify, a decision that could come from the courts as early as next week, so STAY TUNED, GUYS.)

As noted, the witnesses in yesterday’s hearing were State Department foreign service officer at the embassy to Ukraine, David Holmes and the formidable former expert on Russia for the National Security Council, Dr. Fiona Not Fucking Around Here Hill.

We will start with Holmes who is probably best known as the guy who, one day after The Phone Call, overheard President Yelly on Gordon Sondland’s phone screaming about whether the investigations were going to happen. I just love this detail and the fact that this same phone call which clearly implicates the President of the United States in bribery scheme also had him talking about A$AP Rocky and the Kardashians. My friends, we have reached peak Trump.

Holmes also was a valuable witness in that he further corroborated that he and everyone else — including the Ukrainians — knew that the military aid was being used as leverage for investigations into the Bidens and the conspiracy theory about the 2016 election hacking being the doing of the Ukrainians and Hillary Clinton.

“Sir, we’ve been hearing about the investigations since March — months before — and President Zelensky had received a congratulatory letter from the president saying he would be pleased to meet him following his inauguration in May,” Holmes said. “And we had been unable to get that meeting. And then the security hold came up with no explanation.”

Holmes added: “And I’d be surprised if any of the Ukrainians — we discussed earlier, you know, they’re sophisticated people — when they received no explanation for why that hold was in place, they would have drawn that conclusion.”

He also laid waste to the bullshit that Kurt Volker, who is the Special Envoy to Ukraine and Gordon Sondland, the ambassador to the European Union couldn’t POSSIBLY have known that “Burisma” meant “The Bidens” when Rudy, President Mob Boss, and others were demanding the Ukrainians investigate Burisma. I MEAN COME ON.

Furthermore, going back to the phone call that Holmes overheard, after the conversation, Holmes said Sondland told him that President Corruption only cared about the “big stuff that benefits the president” like the “Biden investigation.” Sondland claimed in his testimony that he didn’t remember mentioning the Bidens but come the fuck on.

For doing his duty, Holmes was scolded by Republicans for testifying that Sondland told President Grumpus that President Zelensky “loved his ass,” EVEN THOUGH THAT’S WHAT SONDLAND SAID. I mean, just look at this crap:

“It was anecdotal, it was extraneous,” Mr. Turner said. “Your interests in protecting Ukraine are very dubious when you embarrass President Zelensky by making those statements you didn’t have to make. Who cares that Ambassador Sondland said that?”

ARE YOU SUGGESTING YOU DON’T WANT THE FULL TESTIMONY FROM THESE WITNESSES? Oh, wait, you’re a Republican, so yeah, you probably don’t.

And then there was Dr. Fiona Hill, First of Her Name. Or, playing on the same joke theme, as our own Whitney put it on Facebook: “We’re living in an alternate universe where Lady Lyanna Mormont survived and left Bear Island for the US. The North remembers.”

First — and perhaps most importantly — as I noted yesterday, Dr. Hill took a goddamned flamethrower to the Republicans’ Ukrainian conspiracy theories and chastised them for perpetuating any nonsense that would suggest the Russians did not interfere in the 2016 election. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DID. WHY ARE WE STILL DEBATING THIS?

Oh look, from just this morning, here is President Donkey yelling at the Fox and Friends that Ukraine did the bad things:


Hill also testified about the meeting where Sondland made it clear that Mick Mulvaney was withholding a meeting with President Tang until investigations were delivered, and clarified that when John Bolton said, “I am not part of whatever drug deal Sondland and Mulvaney are cooking up,” he meant the investigations.

But perhaps the most damning moment in the hearing came when the idiot the Republicans hired to serve as their counsel asked her about a fight she had with Gordon Sondland.

Here, I’ll let her explain:

(If you can’t watch the video for some reason, she basically said she was irritated with Sondland for pushing for these investigations, and blew up at him a couple of times. But that after his testimony the day before, where he brought along a bunch of emails with Pompeo and Perry and Mulvaney and Bolton’s names on them, she came to realize that he was just working on the President’s orders. He was on a “domestic political errand.”)

First of all, her comments about women’s anger.


But because there is nothing Republican men like better than hectoring women — and because they couldn’t argue with any of her points — a number of the Congressmen spent their questioning time giving her shit instead of, you know, asking her questions. Mike Turner from above called her “small” for suggesting that the Republicans trade in baseless conspiracy theories and then shouted about hearsay for a while. And he wasn’t the only one, obviously. Jim Jordan screamed about Christopher Steele and John Ratcliffe yelled about … something. Who cares. The point is he and Turner fled the room after they had their little rants because they are fucking cowards.

So, there you go, pretty open and shut case. The President of the United States withheld life-saving military aid until he could get political dirt to smear Joe Biden and EVERYBODY KNEW IT.

But if you, you sweet baby angel, think for one second that the Republicans are going to remove this Constitution-violating piece of shit from office, I have some terrible news for you. Yes, you, Peggy Noonan.

As I’m sure you know, the next steps will be; the Intelligence Committee will write a report for the Judiciary Committee who will draw up Articles of Impeachment if they determine there are any. Spoiler alert: there will be. Then the full House of Representatives will vote on the Articles of Impeachment. Spoiler alert: they will have the votes. Then the Senate will hold a trial to determine whether or not President Impeached should be removed from office. They will need 67 votes to do so. Spoiler alert: they will not have 67 votes.

Now, there was some talk about Mitch McConnell maybe trying to just skip the Senate trial altogether, but a report just came out that the White House will support a trial if it should come to that. HUH. WHY? Well, the article suggests that after whining about Adam Schiff not going by proper procedures, the Republicans want to look like they are doing things by the book, which sure, that’s a sweet explanation. And you are welcome to believe in that, the tooth fairy and Santa Claus if you would like.

But I’ll tell you what these cynical fuckers are really up to: they are going to use this whole Senate trial process to put Hunter Biden on trial. And so, after all this is said and done, President Bribery will get the investigation and political dirt he wanted on the Bidens AND he won’t be punished for it in any real meaningful way. Grim! But true!

But that is for another day, friends. Until then, we can bask in this moment wherein the Grifter President of the United States’ crimes have been laid bare for the world to see, and know that at least one of our two parties actually still gives a shit about the Constitution and doing the right thing.

In Other TV News

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show has been canceled in the wake of declining ratings, the era of #MeToo, and questions about the CEO Leslie H. Wexner’s connections to Jeffrey Epstein. Bye, girl, bye.

Here are some VERY mild spoilers about This is Us, Manifest, Evil and The Walking Dead, among others.

An argument for awards show hosts. Listen, after the hostless Emmys, I’m all for bringing hosts back. The presentation by the Game of Thrones actors still haunts my nightmares.

Shepherd Smith donated $500,000 to a nonprofit organization that protects press freedoms around the world and delivered a speech advocating for protecting the media: “Intimidation and vilification of the press is now a global phenomenon. We don’t have to look far for evidence of that,” he said not referencing anyone in particular, I’m sure.

Puff Daddy will not have you using him as cover for your racism, Comcast.

Wait, the Writers Guild of America’s fight with agencies is still happening? I thought this had been settled months ago.

Antonella Barba, a former American Idol contestant (from way back–season 6) has been sentenced to 45 months in federal prison for conspiring to distribute the opiate fentanyl. Yikes.


  • Desus & Mero has been renewed for a second season at Showtime.
  • Undone has been renewed for a second season at Amazon.
  • Sydney to the Max has been renewed for a third season at Disney Channel.
  • The Owl House has been renewed for a second season ahead of its premiere on Disney Channel.
  • Cable Girls has been renewed for a fifth and final season at Netflix.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

ABC has announced its midseason premiere dates:

  • Grey’s Anatomy, A Million Little Things and Station 19 will return on January 23.
  • For Life debuts on February 11.
  • American Idol returns on February 16.
  • The Rookie will return on February 23.
  • How to Get Away with Murder will return on April 2.
  • Hunters will premiere on Amazon in 2020.
  • Ragnarok will debut on Netflix on January 31.


Jane Galloway Heitz, Character actress in several TV series and movies

Tomas Davison, MGM studios executive



Brittany Runs a Marathon: Jillian Bell stars in this comedic film (loosely based on a real person) about a young woman who decides to change her unhealthy lifestyle and run a damn marathon. Amazon

Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings: Anthology series based on Dolly Parton’s classic songs because it’s Dolly’s world, we just live in it. Series premiere. Netflix

Saturday Night Live: Will Ferrell & King Princess 10:30 p.m., NBC

The Feed: A technology implanted into everyone’s brains that allows everyone to share information, emotions and memories instantly surprisingly goes wrong in this new series that should pay Black Mirror royalties. Series premiere. Amazon

Nailed It! Holiday: Season premiere. Netflix

Ready for War: The lives of three immigrants who have served in our military but who were deported upon returning home are explored in this documentary. Goddamn Trump regime. 8 p.m., Showtime


Us: Jordan Peele’s follow-up to Get Out is not quite as iconic as his first film, but it stayed with me long after I saw it. Worth your time. 7 p.m., HBO

Turkey Drop: You know how when you come home from college for Thanksgiving your freshman year and you either dump or are dumped by your high school boyfriend/girlfriend? That’s what this made-for-TV movie is about and not, as I had hoped, a full-length film based on the classic WKRP in Cincinnati episode. 8 p.m., Freeform

Lil Rel Howrey: Live in Crenshaw: Speaking of Get Out, the breakout star of that film has his own stand-up special on HBO. 9 p.m., HBO


The Walking Dead: LOOK. I KNOW. And I hope to catch up over the hiatus, OK? Fall finale. 8 p.m., AMC

The 2019 American Music Awards: Taylor Swift is your artist of the decade. 7 p.m., ABC

Watchmen: NOSTALGIA 8 p.m., HBO

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: (Friday): Daniel Craig
  • Watch What Happens Live (Sunday): Nene Leakes, Kelly Rowland


FRI. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC American Housewife
Fresh Off the Boat
CBS Hawaii Five-0
Magnum P.I.
Blue Bloods
CW Charmed
FOX Friday Night Smackdown
NBC The Blacklist

SAT. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30 10:00 10:30 11:00 11:30
ABC College Football
CBS The Neighborhood
Bob Hearts Abishola
48 Hours
48 Hours
FOX College Football
NBC The Voice
Dateline News/Local Saturday Night Live
(Will Ferrell & King Princess)

SUN. 6:00 6:30 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC America’s Funniest Home Videos
2019 American Music Awards
CBS 60 Minutes
God Friended Me
NCIS: Los Angeles
Madam Secretary
The CW Local Batwoman
The Simpsons
Bless the Harts
Bob’s Burgers
Family Guy
NBC Sunday Night Football

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