MONDAY
9-1-1: TSUNAMI! 7 p.m., Fox
The Outsiders: Stay golden, Ponyboy. 6 p.m., Sundance
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Hillary and Chelsea Clinton swing by to chat with Stephen. I can’t imagine what they might have to talk about. 10:30 p.m., CBS
TUESDAY
In a Man’s World: Remember that classic Saturday Night Live sketch where Eddie Murphy goes undercover as a white man? It’s that, but women go undercover as men and learn what it’s like to be treated as fully human by other men. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo
Sorry For Your Loss: Season premiere. Facebook Watch
Frontline: A profile of that murdering asshole Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. 8 p.m., PBS
WEDNESDAY
Almost Family: A woman discovers that her brilliant fertility doctor dad was impregnating his patients with his own sperm and whoops! she might have 100 half-siblings. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Fox
SEAL Team: Jayson leads a team to Serbia in the season premiere. 8 p.m., CBS
S.W.A.T.: A serial bomber uses drones to terrorize Los Angeles. Season premiere. 9 p.m., CBS
THURSDAY
Evil: A soccer player comes back from the dead. If I knew anything about soccer, I’d make some clever joke here, but I don’t, so just imagine one. 9 p.m., CBS
The First Texan: This 1956 film that I have definitely not seen, is about the father of Texas, and our city’s namesake, General Sam Houston. Sadly, I doubt it involves the time Sam gave a deserving Congressman a beatdown with his cane on Pennsylvania Avenue. 5:30 p.m., TCM
FRIDAY
The Blacklist: Liz and the Task Force race to find Red who has been abducted. Season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC
Big Mouth: Season premiere. Netflix
Peaky Blinders: Season five premiere. Netflix
Into the Darkness: “Uncanny Annie”: Don’t play possessed board game, kids. Hulu
Raising Dion: A single mother raises a tiny superhero. Netflix
Light as a Feather: Season premiere. Hulu
Goliath: Season premiere. Amazon
Haunted Salem: Live: A four-hour ghost hunt broadcast live from Salem, Massachusetts. 7 p.m., Travel
SATURDAY
Saturday Night Live: PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE AND ALL OF HER EMMYS. Oh, and someone named “Taylor Swift.” 10:30 p.m., NBC
No Country for Old Men: Listen, this is an amazing film, one of the Coen Brothers’ best. But the real reason I’m including it is because it’s being aired on The Outdoor Channel, a cable network that usually traffics in shows like Wildlife Heroes and Wild Boar Heroes. I mean, I guess there is a cattle gun involved? 9:30 p.m., The Outdoor Channel
SUNDAY
The Walking Dead: The group continues training in preparation for another confrontation with those assholes, The Whisperers. Season premiere. 8 p.m., AMC
Batwoman: Kate Kane returns home when her father and girlfriend are targeted. Series premiere. 7 p.m., The CW
Supergirl: CatCo has a new owner and a new star reporter in the season premiere. 8 p.m., The CW
Kids Say the Darndest Things: Tiffany Haddish talks to cute kids. Series premiere. 7 p.m., ABC
Mr. Robot: This is the official description: “xmas time. elliot+mrrobot are BAK. darlene deals with real sh*t. tyrell’s bored. dom’s paranoid AF.” Season premiere. 9 p.m., USA
Madam Secretary: The First Gentleman goes on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, and makes trouble. Season premiere. 9 p.m., CBS
Witches of Salem: An exploration of the original American witch hunt. I’m sorry, I mean WITCH HUNT! Series premiere. 9 p.m., Travel
Oh, a soccer player comes back from the dead you say?
You beat me to it, Josh. 🙂