The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“A Wolf in Camille’s Clothing”
April 9, 2019
24 hours after Lisa VanderScreamed at Kyle to get the fuck out of her PINK HOUSE, and Grandpa Ken declared their friendship OVER …
… Kyle goes out with the other ladies (all except Rinna) and tells them what happened — that how she was just trying to be a good friend and give Lisa a heads-up and the next thing she knows, Grandpa Ken is calling her a “FUCKING LIAR.” I mean, have you ever heard of such a thing?
Erika tsks that this “is not friendship, it’s bullshit.” Indeed.
Over at PINK HOUSE, it’s Lisa’s VanderDay, but she’s not much in the mood, still grieving her brother. She explains that her children and Grandpa Ken have planned a party for her later in the week, but for now, she’s going to spend the day talking to the kitchen renovation guy about granite. Riveting stuff.
She also discusses with Grandpa Ken how devastated she was by Kyle’s accusations, adding, “I’m not going to stand here and say what a fucking bitch she was … VanderOops, I just said it.”
Elsewhere, Kyle has lunch with Mauricio, where she also discusses the VanderFight, and how sad she is about the whole mess. Mauricio, he’s mostly pissed at how Grandpa Ken spoke to his wife because that’s how men are.
Over at Dorit’s, she’s trying to make a palatable smoothie to force her awful husband to drink. Apparently, Dorit’s Insufferable Husband has The Diabeetus because he eats and drinks like a pig, as demonstrated by a montage of him eating and drinking like a pig — a montage that must have been hilarious for some editor to create.
The smoothie, which starts off reasonably enough with fruit and chia seeds and whathaveyou, quickly becomes a muddy glass of slop once Dorit decides to add greens to it — you know to make it healthy! — and utterly undrinkable.
Later, she and her Insufferable Husband have lunch with their children after they check his blood sugar which is at 318. Which is bad? I had to look this up because I don’t have the diabeetus, but yes, 318 is very VERY bad, as blood sugar is considered too high somewhere between 130 and 180 depending on when you last ate. HOW IS HE NOT IN A DIABETIC COMA? HOW DOES HE HAVE ALL OF HIS TOES?
While dipping all of his vegetables in Ranch, Dorit’s Insufferable Husband whines that he sent Lisa a VanderDay greeting but has heard nothing back, and, in fact, he hasn’t been invited to her VanderDay party for the first time in twenty years. Apparently, the Dorits have fallen out with the Vanderpumps, but without there ever being a formal falling out like Kyle had? It’s all very VanderConfusing.
Elsewhere, Erika, Denise, and Rinna go to an aerial yoga class because California. After, Erika and Denise fill Rinna in on the whole Kyle/Lisa VanderFeud, and she’s like, “DAMN.” Rinna then announces that she wants the ladies to get together to celebrate Denise’s wedding because I guess her wedding wasn’t celebration enough? I don’t know, it’s just an excuse for them to get together and drink. (But Erika won’t be there as she has to rehearse for her upcoming tour, which we have been hearing an awful lot about.)
But before the post-wedding wedding celebration, Denise and her new husband Quakery install security cameras inside their home to make sure her teenagers don’t sneak out of the house at night because teenagers be sneaky, and they talk over this whole Lisa VanderSituation. Denise feels terrible for Kyle, and since she doesn’t have any bad VanderBlood with Lisa, she’s thinking she maybe can intervene, and speak to Lisa on behalf of the other women? On the other hand, she doesn’t want to get on Lisa’s VanderBad side, because she knows Lisa plays VanderDIRTY. Quakery has nothing to add one way or the other to this conversation.
Finally, the women minus Lisa begin meeting at someplace called Beauty & Essex to re-celebrate Denise’s wedding — except Denise is going to be the last to arrive because she, apparently, has been the only one from the entire cast to be invited to Lisa’s VanderDay party which is happening at the exact same time. Denise isn’t going to stay at Lisa’s party, she explains to Kyle in a phone call on her way over to TomTom, but she is going have a drink with her and try to maybe smooth things over.
Denise arrives at TomTom at 6:36, according to the time stamp, but Lisa is noVanderwhere to be found, and nor is she for another one hour and fourteen minutes.
Lisa and Grandpa Ken eventually arrive, and after greeting her real friends, Lisa says a quick hello to Denise who explains that she came to drop off a gift, and, realizing that he middle of a giant VanderDay party might not be the best time to talk about a sensitive subject like Lisa’s VanderFeud with Kyle, suggests that they go get lunch soon. Lisa agrees, and Denise is finally free to go to her own get-together.
While they wait for the other women to arrive, Rinna explains to Teddi that she tweeted to Lisa a birthday greeting that featured cupcakes decorated with pills, in what she describes as an attempt to poke fun at herself and the whole crazy pill lady thing:
Ha ha, except Lisa’s recently departed Vanderbrother, he overdosed.
When it was brought to Rinna’s attention that Lisa might have read her tweet differently than how Rinna intended, Rinna reached out to Lisa via text to apologize. Rinna’s sister also died of an overdose, so she would never poke fun at such a ghastly thing — a defense I’m inclined to believe. BUT STILL, IT’S REALLY VANDERBAD.
Kyle, Camille and Dorit, and Dorit’s boobs arrive at Beauty & Essex, and everyone congratulates Camille on her upcoming wedding, which they are all planning to attend — including Dorit and Dorit’s boobs, despite Dorit making the hairs on Camille’s neck to stand up, according to Camille herself. But hey, it’s just easier to invite someone to your Hawaiian wedding than turning it into a whole thing, you know?
When everyone wonders where the woman of the hour, Denise, is, Kyle explains that she is at Lisa’s VanderDay party, prompting SHOCK! and OUTRAGE! from Dorit. HOW DARE LISA INVITE DENISE WHOM SHE HAS KNOWN FOR FIVE MINUTES TO HER VANDERPARTY AND NOT HER EVEN THOUGH THE TWO OF THEM ARE CURRENTLY IN A TABLOID WAR.
Denise arrives sometime after, and after pleasantries are out of the way, Kyle cuts to the chase: SO? LISA? And Denise explains that after waiting 75 minutes to see her, she didn’t really have a chance to talk to her because VanderParty.
The ladies move on to a different conversation, Camille’s upcoming wedding, which somehow leads to Camille talking about how she doesn’t even really remember having sex with Kelsey Grammer, that it just wasn’t that “hot and heavy.” And I’d rather not think about anyone having sex with Kelsey Grammer, thankyouverymuch.
The conversation turns to male grooming and Dorit shares, unfortunately, that her Insufferable Husband is “very well-groomed.”
Camille, explaining that she is a former dental assistant, begins talking about how particular she is about teeth and how before Lisa had her Vanderteeth redone, she had an issue with them, that she needed new caps, and her gumline was receding.
The other women:
WELL GOOD LUCK, CAMILLE. I DON’T SEE THIS ENDING VANDERWELL FOR YOU, DARLING.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.