The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Eat, Drink, and Be Married”
March 26, 2019

The most boring episode of the season (so far, it’s early still) begins with Erika meeting with her creative team to go over some costumes for her upcoming 15-city tour, and they’re all pretty indistinguishable from one another? One has a hoodie? I’m not sure what we’re doing here, frankly. We do learn that one time she played at a club that had lube all over the stage, which just leaves us with more questions than answers.

Elsewhere, Kyle, Dorit, and Teddi go shopping for a wedding present for Denise and that quack she’s marrying later in the episode. Explaining again that she won’t be at the wedding because she has this agency party to deal with, and some 800 people to entertain, Kyle then tells the other women about Denise sharing intimate details about her husband-to-be’s anatomy.

The women also marvel at Denise pulling off a wedding in two days — although, it’s not exactly two days, is it? They “decided” on camera to get married two weeks earlier, and there’s no saying when they actually started planning, so calm down with the whole THEY DID THIS IN TWO DAYS! nonsense because it is just not accurate. Anyway.

Kyle asks Teddi about seeing Lisa at the wedding and Teddi shrugs that she agreed to try to co-exist with her, there’s nothing else to say. OH GOOD, I’M SURE THIS WILL BE THE LAST OF THAT.

Meanwhile, Vanderpump, she drags Grandpa Ken to a kitchen store and demands that they remodel their expensive-ass kitchen, which I guess is going to be what we have to watch her do for the rest of the season? Terrific. Grandpa Ken grumbles at spending some $300,000 on a renovation, but when you pay over $11 million for a house, it’s hard for me to muster sympathy over what amounts to pocket change.

Rinna is in Philadelphia doing QVC shit, but she Facetimes Denise and promises to be back in time for the wedding. It’s not even worth mentioning, frankly.

As for our bride, Denise and Quackery check out the wedding site and the owner tries to act surprised at the tight deadline as if it hadn’t already been booked weeks earlier.

Later, she and Quakery meet with the officiant and go over some of the details of the ceremony, which will include a candle lighting in memory of her mother. Denise also reveals that she waited a long time to tell her daughters that she and Quakery were getting married because she was scared of them judging her — but they were totally cool with it because of course they were. As for their father, Charlie Sheen, he’s been invited to the wedding, and if he wants to bring along a whore, he can bring along a whore.

Denise Richards is a much more laid back person than I will ever be.

The day of the wedding arrives, and while her guests begin arriving at the wedding site, everyone at Denise’s house is still having their hair and makeup done. Erika and Rinna ride over together, Erika rocking one of Rinna’s QVC jumpsuits in a non-breathable polyblend. Also, it’s black. Rinna is DELIGHTED because she wouldn’t be seen caught dead in one of these tacky-ass (and overpriced for what it is) jumpsuits. And that’s when we have the first of the TIMESTAMPS: it is 1:35 p.m. The wedding is scheduled to begin at 2.

Ain’t no way this wedding is happening at 2.

Teddi and her husband, ol’ Whatshisname arrive at the wedding venue, as does Camille.

2 p.m.: At the moment when she is supposed to be starting her wedding, Denise still at her house, revealing to her father for apparently the first time that he will not be walking down the aisle, but instead, she is going to walk down it with Quakery and the girls. This seems … like information that should have been discussed earlier? And possibly privately?

Lisa and Grandpa Ken VanderArrive at the wedding and though everyone is a little tense at first, it’s all ~kiss kiss~ and hello, darlings, even with Teddi.

2:30 p.m.: Denise Richards isn’t even in her wedding dress yet.

Rinna and Erika arrive late and still manage to beat the bride and groom, and everyone is very friendly with each other and Real Housewives wannabes, Jerry O’Connell, and Rebecca Romijn.

2:47 p.m.: Denise’s daughters are still deciding which shoes they are going to wear.

3 p.m.: Grandpa Ken is beginning to melt.

3:10 p.m.: Denise’s family finally climb into the limo.

3:21 p.m.: Denise and Quakery arrive at their own wedding, only one hour and twenty-one minutes late.

Wedding wedding wedding helicopters and paparazzi and wedding, and one hour later, at 4:20 p.m., Teddi and Erika PEACE OUT.

The only interesting thing that happens at the reception is that Former C-List Celebrity Patrick Muldoon, who is in attendance, is hauled over to the women by Rinna, where she explains that she and Denise were fucking Patrick Muldoon at the same time.

Patrick Muldoon, realizing that he has just been dragged into a coven’s circle:

Lisa VanderDemands to know who was better in bed, and Patrick Muldoon, for the first time in his life, finds himself wishing no one knew who he was rather than wishing someone knew who he was.

Anyway, Denise is happy, the end.

Finally, it’s not an episode this season unless we’re discussing Lucy Lucy, Apple Juicy, and to that end, some days after Denise’s wedding (at least three, based on the pub date of the article) Dorit discovers a Radar Online article whose headline pretty much says screams it all:

“STABBED IN THE BACK! LISA ‘EXTRA HURT’ BY LONGTIME FRIEND DORIT OVER ABANDONED DOG”

A shocked Dorit proceeds to read parts of the article out loud to that dreadful P.K. — you can read it all here — but it is painfully obvious that the story was VanderPlanted to make Dorit look bad. Best line in the piece?

“According to the source, however, Lisa is going to take the high road and let bygones be bygones!”

LOL x ∞.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.