Robert Mueller: “If we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so.” ~drop mic~

As I’m sure you know by now, yesterday Robert Mueller broke his two-year silence about his investigation into Russia’s attacks on our election by holding a press conference announcing his retirement from the Justice Department and the closing of the special counsel’s office in charge of the investigation. In the press conference, Mueller asserted that the Russian hacking of the election was a Very Big Deal that all of us — INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT — should take VERY FUCKING SERIOUSLY; that he didn’t indict President Individual One for obstruction of justice because thanks to Justice Department rules, he literally couldn’t even if he wanted to– but that doesn’t mean the President was cleared of committing obstruction crimes, and in fact, if he had been able to clear him of crimes, Mueller WOULD HAVE SAID SO. BUT HE DID NOT. DO YOU GET IT? CONGRESS?; and that he would really prefer to not testify in front of Congress, just read the damn report, it’s all in there.

So, basically: Mueller publicly contradicted Attorney General Bob Barr who tried to claim the reason Mueller didn’t indict President Tiny Hands was because he wanted to leave that decision to Barr (nope — he didn’t indict the president because he is not allowed to while the president is in office), and in his very upstanding and polite way, Mueller screamed at Congress to IMPEACH THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.

Not that you’d know any of this if you watched Fox News or were locked in the rotting potato that is the leader of the free world’s brain. This morning, during what Stephen Colbert refers to as “Chopper Chat,” President Dingbat tried to lie that Mueller didn’t indict him because he didn’t find that any crimes had been committed.

And that even if Trump HAD obstructed justice, that’s not a crime if there isn’t an underlying crime he was trying to criminally cover-up.

And also, this man, Mueller, who according to President Can’t Keep His Story Straight completely cleared him of obstruction and collusion, he’s also a very bad man who was completely conflicted and out to get the Obstructor-in-Chief.

And even though President Tweets-a-Lot himself tweeted that the Russians helped him get elected:

the Russians had nothing to do with him getting elected.

But here’s the thing: the thing is, most Americans — 99% of Americans — aren’t going to read Mueller’s report for themselves, so President Soundbite can spin this any way he wants, and a certain percentage of our fellow voting citizens will believe him. It’s enough to make you feel like YOU’VE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND.

So here’s where, Robert De Niro, who portrayed Robert Mueller on Saturday Night Live, comes in. In an opinion piece for The New York Times, De Niro argues to Mueller that he is the only person who can counter the lies and bullshit President Liar spews on an hourly basis, and begs him to testify before Congress:

Say what you will about the president — and I have — when it comes to that lying, exaggerating, bullying thing, no one can touch him. He has set up a world where it seems as if those disapproving of him can effectively challenge him only by becoming just like him. He’s bringing down the level of the entire playing field.

And here, Mr. Mueller, is where you come in — where you need to come in. In your news conference, you said that your investigation’s work “speaks for itself.” It doesn’t. It may speak for itself to lawyers and lawmakers who have the patience and obligation to read through the more than 400 pages of carefully chosen words and nuanced conclusions (with all due respect, as good a read as it is, you’re no Stephen King).

You’ve characterized the report as your testimony, but you wouldn’t accept that reason from anyone your office interviewed. Additional information and illumination emerge from responses to questions. I know you’re as uncomfortable in the spotlight as the president is out of it. I know you don’t want to become part of the political spectacle surrounding Russia’s crimes and your report on them. I know you will, however reluctantly, testify before Congress if called, because you respect the system and follow the rules, and I understand why you’d want to do it away from the public glare.

But the country needs to hear your voice. Your actual voice. And not just because you don’t want them to think that your actual voice sounds like Robert De Niro reading from cue cards, but because this is the report your country asked you to do, and now you must give it authority and clarity without, if I may use the term, obstruction.

Meanwhile, Laura Ingraham compared Mueller coming out and stating the truth to a “mean girl,” because to these fucking sycophants, telling the truth is being “mean.” IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT, FOX NEWS? Lol.

In non-Orange Fucko news:

Here are the two best minutes of your life:

This is some hard-core navel-gazing on my part, but here The New York Times’ Game of Thrones recapper talks about the joys and hardships of recapping and 10/10 can relate. Except for the part where he stays up late to make sure it is published by Monday morning. That not me.

Andy Cohen and a bunch of Bravo celebrities, including Teresa, Nene, Dorinda, and the Gay Shark are going to be on a float in NYC’s Gay Pride Parade. 🌈

Right on time, Bryan Fuller is back to revive your hope in bringing Hannibal back.

Have you watched Fleabag, the best show of the year, yet? Look. I can give my testimony until the cows come home, but here’s the thing: if you have Amazon Prime, watch. Each season consists of only 6 30-minute episodes. One season will cost you three hours of your life. That’s all. And it’s worth it. Just. Trust. Me.

Anyway, for those of you who did watch, creator and star, Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s sister, Isobel, is the show’s composer and for the second season she created a Greek choral score, the songs filled with filthy words. Brilliant. And here’s a chat with Fiona Shaw who has a much larger role on the Waller-Bridge series, Killing Eve, and a small guest appearance on Fleabag. She’s pretty terrific, too.

The guy who finished the Wheel of Time books is warning fans that the series might be a bit different and even polarizing, so brace yourselves for nerd rage.

The streaming wars are about to start in earnest, just as people’s willingness to take on more streaming services is beginning to plateau. GOOD LUCK, DISNEY AND APPLE AND NBCUNIVERSAL AND WARNER BROTHERS AND EVERYONE ELSE.

I like the premise of this article about unconventional dads on television, focusing on Pose, The Passage and Single Parents in particular, but I feel like it really could have said more.

Miss America is moving back to NBC from ABC.

Congratulations, Arie and whichever blond it was you dumped Becca for!

Sex Monster News

Bob Iger, the head of Disney, is the next studio head to threaten to pull out of Georgia if this heartbeat abortion bill is to pass. That’s a pretty huge deal.

Meanwhile, Ilana Glazer has already vetoed Georgia as the location for her upcoming movie over this bullshit law.

Moby has taken the hint and is going to go radio silent for a while.

This lady is an intimacy coordinator. She started off as a stunt director when she realized that intimate scenes needed protocols as much as dangerous stunt scenes did. She’s kinda brilliant.

Renewals

Cancelation

  • Dark has been renewed for a third and final season on Netflix.

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • Legion returns to FX on June 24.
  • The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance will premiere on Netflix on August 30.
  • Mr. Iglesias will debut on Netflix on June 21.
  • Snowfall returns on FX on July 10.
  • Trinkets will debut on Netflix on June 14.
  • Ripley’s Believe it or Not will debut on Travel Channel on June 9.

R.I.P.

Leon Redbone, Singer-songwriter

Carmine Caridi, Actor best known for Godfather, Part II, but also appeared in NYPD Blue, Fame, and more recently, Abby’s.

Roger Hirson, TV writer

Kahli Small, Production executive at NBC

WATCH THIS

RuPaul’s Drag Race: A queen is chosen. I hope it’s Yvie Oddly, but I have a feeling it’s going to be Brooke Lynn Hytes. Season finale. 8 p.m., VH1

NBA Finals: Game One: Sportsball time again. 7 p.m., ABC

Lip Sync Battle: Big Bird competes? Sure. OK. Season premiere. 9 p.m., Paramount

Elementary: Season premiere of the final season. 9 p.m., CBS

Late Night:

  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Zach Galifianakis, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Alessia Cara

 

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