‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Release the Report!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Proof Hurts”
March 12, 2019

Let’s start with Kyle taking her third daughter to college and get it over with because:

1. It’s boring.
2. It’s just cutting a little too close to the bone for yours truly who has a kid going to college in the fall and if I think about it too hard for too long I BURST INTO TEARS AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

Right, so, Kyle and her family get up ass early — so early that Kyle’s daughter Alexia has just come in from being out all night — grab their bags, say goodbye to the dogs (which broke my heart because I can just see my son saying goodbye to his dogs and I AM NOT READY) and head to the airport. Next stop: George Washington University in Washington D.C.

Once there, the family checks out Sophia’s dorm room and Mauricio seems genuinely surprised that the room is furnished. And has a window! Kyle brings up the fact that Sophia is going to have to take care of cleaning the place, including scrubbing her own toilet, and Sophia seems just as surprised that toilets need to be manually cleaned as her father was that dorm rooms come with beds.

Later, the entire family goes to one last dinner together, and Mauricio declares that Sophia will have to live on her debit card — no credit cards. Sophia has a tantrum, insisting that SHE DOES NOT SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY, and, in fact, doesn’t have any nice clothes. And not to cut a spoiled rich brat a break, but it’s not her fault that her cousin is Paris Fucking Hilton and that she was raised in Beverly Hills — she literally has no perspective.

And then Kyle gives a tearful toast to Sophia and her future instead of wondering if she has adequately prepared this child for life in the real world.

The next morning — the final morning before they are to head back to California — Kyle, Mauricio, Portia, and Sophia have breakfast in their hotel room and everyone cries. The end.

In other boring non-stories, back in Los Angeles, Rinna poses for the cover of some magazine you’ve never heard of for their home and garden issue. Never mind the fact that Lisa Rinna has never gardened in her life. Rinna brags about how much success she is having in the “third act” of her career, and I am not here to be shady about it because I’m not the one being photographed in my back yard in a designer dress playing with a water hose. You do you, Rinna. Get it while you still can.

Also happening with Rinna: she meets Denise at something called the Malibu Lagoon where they briefly discuss the Bahamas trip (“CRAZY, RIGHT?”) and Denise announces that she and her quack boyfriend are getting married. Aaron’s divorce from crazy-ass Nicollette Sheridan has been finalized so they intend to make it official and soon.

And in fact, later in the episode, Denise and the quack go to a bar to discuss wedding dates over giant glasses of George Clooney’s tequila. Aaron reveals that he had no intention to ever get married again, seeing that his first marriage was shorter than their separation; and Denise briefly talks about her doomed marriage to one Charlie Sheen. Long story short: it ended in a blaze of glory and we all bore witness whether we wanted to or not.

#TIGERBLOOD #WINNING

So then Aaron, ever the believer in pseudoscientific bullshit, suggests they get married on September 8 because the numerology adds up to 8, and 8 = infinity.

And oh, by the way, September 8 is 10 days away so this should all go very smoothly.

Onto the main event: the Lisa, Teddi and Dorit VanderCage Match over this damn dog.

First, Dorit discusses the situation with Her Insufferable Husband, who worries about his friendship with Lisa. She’s a master manipulator, he explains, which is fine as long as it’s not his wife who is the one being manipulated.

As for Teddi, it turns out that like William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report, the cropped portion of the text conversation that she had with Lisa’s employee, this John Blizzard person, that she was waving around as “proof” that Lisa set her up was not the whole story. She admits as much to Erika in Erika’s weird chapel room in her house, and Erika, who called Teddi out at the reunion for not being as innocent as she claims is bemused.

Basically, Teddi did discuss a plan with this John Blizzard person to “spontaneously” run into Dorit’s dog at VanderPets while the camera crew was around, but when it came time, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. But let there be no mistake: Lisa WANTED her to do it, so she’s the real VanderVillain here.

VanderSpeaking of Lisa, she has this John Blizzard person summoned to PINK HOUSE where she has him say on camera that 1. they do not really know each other 2. she had nothing to do with this whole VanderDog plan and 3. she had no idea Teddi was going to bring out the VanderDog on camera. This John Blizzard person happily VanderObliges.

Later, Teddi, Dorit, and Erika go horseback riding together, which seems like a good time for Teddi to reveal the full Mueller Report situation to Dorit, and get ahead of whatever bullshit Lisa has VanderPlanned. However, Teddi appears to do no such thing, focusing instead on the horses, and a conversation about their respective marriages over a post-ride margarita.

Finally, when Kyle returns from Washington D.C., she and Dorit go to PINK HOUSE for what they think is supposed to be lunch but is actually the release of the full text conversation between Teddi and this John Blizzard person, this time with no redactions, and proving collusion.

However, much to Lisa’s VanderSurprise, neither Dorit nor Kyle are as outraged as she expected them to be. Kyle suggests that it’s not entirely fair to place the blame entirely on Teddi. While Teddi’s hands aren’t clean, she certainly wasn’t alone in the situation. (Meanwhile, in an interview, Kyle reveals that Teddi showed Kyle her phone and told her everything — a scene I would have really liked to have seen, thankyouverymuch.)

Kyle then asks Dorit if Lisa told her that Teddi knew about the VanderDog, and Dorit confirms that in fact, Lisa called and told her. Lisa VanderCorrects her: she texted her that Teddi knew. “A-HA!” says special prosecutor Kyle Richards, “if you had nothing to do with this John Blizzard person, who told you that Teddi knew?”

However, eventually, Dorit does agree with Lisa that Teddi left out some important details in her version of this entire saga and that maybe, possibly Lisa isn’t the VanderVillain here. Or at the least not the only VanderVillain.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.