‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: A text mess

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Bahama Drama”
March 5, 2019

In the immediate aftermath following Teddi storming from dinner in a huff, angry that Lisa had made her the scapeVanderGoat in this whole Dorit/VanderDog mess, the women are still in something of a dither. Through the flashback filter, we see that Kyle privately agreed with Teddi that Lisa was out to VanderFuck over both her and Dorit; and that Dorit confronted Lisa that none of this was about the VanderDog, it was about Lisa VanderAttacking Dorit. “NO, DARLING, IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THE VANDERDOG,” Lisa protests (which sorta kinda does suggest that Lisa’s VanderHands aren’t entirely VanderClean in any of this.)

So in the morning, the women split up into three different groups.

Group 1: Rinna, Dorit, Denise, and Camille pick up breakfast daiquiris before climbing onto a boat. There, Denise declares that she is completely confused by this entire story — why is this so complicated? Not every dog is suited for every family, right?

Dorit explains that she thinks Lisa is upset with her not because she gave up Lucy, the most recent VanderDog, but because Lucy was the SECOND VanderDog that she had adopted that didn’t work out. The first, Mattie, bit her daughter on the face, and so she returned her to VanderPets. Then they adopted Lucy, who promptly bit Her Insufferable Husband on his insufferable face, and the rest is history.

Camille points out that she thinks the real VanderProblem Lisa has is not that Lucy didn’t work out with Dorit’s family, but that Dorit gave her away to some stranger and didn’t tell Lisa. Dorit insists that this is not the issue — she speaks to Lisa all the time! “Exactly,” Camille points out, “so when she found out the dog had been turned over to a shelter through someone else, she was VanderPissed.”

And all of this is 1000% correct.

But the conversation is interrupted so the women can go snorkeling and see absolutely nothing. Not even minnows. WHERE ARE THE SWIMMING PIGS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

Back on the boat, Rinna turns the blame of this whole VanderDog mess back on to Lisa, insisting that Dorit was only doing what was best for her children (even though the final straw for the Dorits seem to have been when the dog bit Her Insufferable Husband) and Dorit is more than happy to be painted as a strong momma bear who just did right by her family, VanderDog’s well-being BE DAMNED.

And then Rinna dances on the back of the boat because that’s what Rinna does on boats.

Group 2: Teddi and Erika. This unlikely duo goes golfing, a sport that, it turns out, Erika is actually quite good at, but at which the otherwise athletic Teddi is turrrrrrible.

Actual footage:

After haphazardly slapping a few balls around, Erika and Teddi chat about this whole VanderMess, and they agree that the whole thing feels like a well-orchestrated plan to pit Dorit and Teddi against each other. Teddi insists that after the VanderPets staff told her about the VanderDog, she didn’t tell ANYONE. Not only that, but she knows that Lisa instructed the VanderStaff to tell her. Teddi doesn’t want to have to pull out the proof … but she will if she has to.

Group 3: Lisa and Kyle. They spend the morning mumu shopping and NOT VANDERTALKING ABOUT IT. KYLE.

After shopping and NOT VANDERTALKING ABOUT IT. KYLE. the women go to a private cabana for lunch and to play with baby flamingos. Kyle also finally forces Lisa to have a conVandersation about the whole VanderDog situation and explains to an incredulous Lisa that Teddi feels like Lisa set her up. But Lisa can’t wrap her head around how it’s her VanderFault that this John Blizzard person told Teddi about what Dorit did.

All of the women return to the hotel, get ready for dinner and call their respective families. It’s boring.

Lisa, for her part, calls Teddi and invites her to come to her hotel room to discuss this VanderMess. Teddi arrives expecting a VanderPology …

… but is informed that actually, Lisa is looking for a Vandersplation from Teddi.

Teddi, now furious, tells Lisa that she knows perfectly well that Lisa instructed this John Blizzard person to tell her about the VanderDog. And didn’t Lisa text Dorit, “TEDDI KNOWS”? How did Lisa know that Teddi knew? And if she wasn’t trying to instigate a situation between Teddi and Dorit, why would Lisa text that to Dorit? Lisa admits that she did text Dorit to giver her a heads up, but she’d be a bad VanderFriend if she just allowed Dorit to walk into an ambush. But this doesn’t mean that Lisa instructed anyone to tell Teddi about the VanderDog.

A-HA! says Teddi while pulling out her phone to show Lisa a very cropped text conversation between herself and someone else who she claims is this John Blizzard person:

Teddi: “Didn’t Lisa want you to tell me?”

Mystery Texter This John Blizzard Person: “YES.”

Lisa is VanderFlabbergasted! She doesn’t have any communication with this John Blizzard person! Why, he’s only 22! (Never mind that her entire restaurant and restaurant reality show empire is based on now-former-22-year-olds but OK.)

Whispers: But also, maybe Teddi should show the entire text conversation instead of this suspiciously cropped piece of the text conversation?

Teddi storms out of Lisa’s room, pausing by Dorit’s room to tell her that she’s sorry about this whole VanderMess, and to snip at Lisa that she SHALL NOT BE HER VANDERPAWN.

Dorit:

Teddi storms back to her room with Kyle where Kyle has been conferring with Mauricio about a potential Rolex purchase …

… and Teddi is HELLA PISSED. WHERE WAS HER VANDERPOLOGY? AND NOW SHE HAS TO GO HAVE DINNER WITH THIS WOMAN AND PRETEND NOTHING IS WRONG? COME ON.

But have dinner they do. The women are seated outside on the other side of some sort of bridge that appears designed to eat stiletto heels based on the way the women are all FREAKING OUT about having to walk over it. Not everyone can be Rhianna, I suppose.

Lisa and Dorit are the last to arrive to the table and are greeted by A GLARE from Teddi at the opposite end of the table. Dorit apologizes to everyone for being late and they assure her she needn’t worry. Meanwhile, no one says anything to Lisa — and she explains that she feels as welcome as a VanderTurd in a swimming pool. In the other ladies’ defense, though, she doesn’t say hello to any of them, as Dorit did, and so maybe she’s just being a little defensive.

Eventually, Camille does greet Lisa and Lisa reveals that she and Kyle have to wake up at 4 the next morning to catch a 7 a.m. flight back home — Lisa has a restaurant thing and Kyle needs to take her kid to school? I’m sorry, CAN’T MAURICIO DO THAT? OR MAYBE HER LADYSITTER? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT GUY? Oh, wait, she means she has to take Sophia to college. Standing down.

The women toast the trip and Dorit for hosting it, and Dorit agrees that it was lovely … aside from a few unpleasant moments.

Camille steps in to note that she hopes Dorit and Lisa can work things out, but based on the look on Lisa’s VanderFace, I’m doubtful they’re going to work things out, y’all.

And then Teddi speaks up, noting that the day started great, but ended … differently. She wishes she felt better, but she can’t sit there and be cordial and make small talk and pretend that things aren’t FUCKED UP because she’s not a fake. Dorit assures Teddi that she knows how she feels and that she believes everything she’s told her, INFURIATING Lisa.

So when Rinna pipes up with her rhetorical, “Why oh why is this happening to Teddi Mellencamp?” Lisa stands up from the table and announces she is done. No one is speaking to her, she has to get up at 4, and she does not have to stand for this bullshit, so GOODNIGHT.

Kyle chases after Lisa, but to no avail, LISA IS VANDERDONE.

Meanwhile, the other women are comforting Teddi, assuring her that they believe her while she rants that SHE HAS PROOF Lisa is trying to set her up and that she is NOT A LIAR. Rinna is all, “Been there, done that, girl.”

When Kyle returns to the table, the other women confront her for not confronting Lisa (which she has done, but OK) but Kyle is like, “That’s just who she is, whaddya gonna do? LOL.”

And then the Rolex Kyle ordered on Postmates arrives and if you need me, you can find me in early 20th century Russia, plotting the glorious revolution.

A few hours later, Kyle and Lisa are climbing into an airport shuttle, and Kyle reveals that she only slept two hours, having gone out dancing and tequiling with the other women.

In other news, we learn that Rinna has one “dance” “move.”

The episode ends, however, back in Los Angeles, at PINK HOUSE, specifically, where Grandpa Ken and Lisa have a very natural and not at all staged conversation in which Grandpa Ken announces that he reached out to this John Blizzard person, and he has the full text conversation between him and Teddi. And because Grandpa Ken is one thousand years old and because we are doing this whole thing for maximum impact on TV, he has PRINTED OUT THE TEXTS.

So, according to these texts, Teddi asks this John Blizzard person if he has the dog so that she can come by VanderPets and say that it looks like Dorit’s dog. Lisa pretends to be VANDER!SHOCKED! by this, as if she didn’t instruct Grandpa Ken to print out the text messages in the first place.

But in any event, THE MYSTERY DEEPENS.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.