I’m back! So what did I miss? President Shitgoblin screaming at the TV? Yep, sounds about right.

While I was gone last week, Jay Leno gave an interview to NBC News where he was asked if he misses being in late night and the following happened:

“No, it’s different — I don’t miss it,” said Leno. “You know, everything now is if people don’t like your politics — everyone has to know your politics.”

“I kind of used Johnny [Carson]’s model,” he explained. “People couldn’t figure out: ‘Well, you and your Republican friends…’ or ‘Well, Mr. Leno, you and your Democratic buddies…’ And I would get hate mail from both sides equally. And I went, ‘Well that’s fabulous! That’s exactly what I want.'”

The hosts reacted enthusiastically to Leno’s response.

“But when people see you as one-sided, it just makes it tough,” Leno said. “And plus, I did it when, you know, Clinton was horny and Bush was dumb, and it was just a little easier,” he added, a line that got more laughs from the NBC team.

“You know, now it’s all very serious, everything so, so na—” he said, stopping himself mid-line. “I’d just like to see a bit of civility come back to it, you know?”

Ah, yes, civility, like the kind of civility Leno showed Monica Lewinsky back in the day, as John Oliver pointed out on Last Week Tonight last night.

Anyway, as you could have predicted, President Binge Watcher took notice of Leno’s comments and twatted about it:

Is he using the royal we here? Also, the late night shows are clearly not unwatchable for the Screamer-in-Chief, because just yesterday morning, he was twatting about a RERUN of Saturday Night Live:

That’s right! He is again threatening to sic the FEC and FCC on a satirical late night show because they hurt his fee-fees. But because these were two of TWENTY-EIGHT tweets yesterday, it was just collectively shrugged off because who can pay too close attention when he is also screaming about the Mueller Report being illegal, SCURRRRY IMMIGRANTS, Representative Omar, retweeting Qanon crazies, and lies about the Democrats trying to steal the election.

Oh, and also yelling at Fox News for suspending Judge Jeanne Pirro and for keeping actual journalists on the payroll:

Right, so one of the other things that happened while I was gone was Fox News had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. In the same week that Fox News hosted an emergency pitch to advertisers to beg them to not abandon the network over the bigoted and hateful things their evening hosts have been spewing, Judge Jeanne Pirro said on her show that Representative Omar’s hijab means she is “against the Constitution,” and Media Matters dug up old radio shows in which Tucker Carlson defended a child rapist, made gross comments about teen pageant contestants, and had LOTS of horrible things to say about women.

Fox News temporarily suspended both hosts — which is unsurprising considering just days after Pirro made her Islamaphobic statements, a terrorist attacked two mosques in New Zealand, killing 50 innocent people. I should note here that the shooter released a manifesto that praised Trump as “a symbol of renewed white identity and common purpose.” But that, of course, didn’t stop President Bigot from racing to the defense of Jeanne Pirro and her disgusting comments.

So that’s where we are: with the Acting White House Chief of Staff having to go on Fox News to insist that the President of the United States isn’t a white nationalist, because people are wondering if the President of the United States is a white nationalist after he defended Fox News white nationalists in the wake of a hideous massacre by a white nationalist.

In Other TV News

THE BACHELOR PRODUCERS HAVE NO REGRETS ABOUT MAKING HANNAH B. THE BACHELORETTE WHY DO YOU ASK.

Aaron Paul is not saying that a Breaking Bad movie is happening. But if it IS happening, Jesse will be the star.

Jon Cryer’s being Lex Luthor is his redemption story.

Other Things I Missed Last Week:

The biggest entertainment story of the week was that Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman were among a number of wealthy parents and college athletic directors who were arrested by the FBI for being part of a college bribery scheme. The details about this scandal are amazing, including photoshopping kids faces onto actual athletes’ pictures, flying kids here to Houston to take the SATs and ACTs with a proctor who would help them cheat, and parents trying to hide the fact from their children that they were cheating their way into these schools.

But my favorite parts of this story all stem from the Lori Loughlin chapters. She bought her daughter Olivia Jade a spot at USC. Olivia Jade is not what you would call a scholar:

Lol indeed.

And Olivia Jade was so lazy (and stupid) she couldn’t figure out how to fill out the college application, you guys:

While Huffman was arrested at literal gunpoint at 6 a.m., Loughlin managed to evade the fuzz for a full day, finally surrendering on Wednesday. Both actresses were released on a $1 million bond. You won’t be seeing their mugshots anytime soon, you vultures.

And while her mother was being arrested, our hero Olivia Jade was spring breaking on the yacht that belongs to a member of the USC board of trustees. I COULD NOT MAKE THAT DELICIOUS DETAIL UP. However, it looks like Olivia Jade will not be returning to USC following her yacht trip. And it seems this isn’t Olivia Jade’s first time winning something she didn’t earn. Olivia Jade is my new favorite monster.

Loughlin has been fired by the Hallmark Channel and from Fuller House and a new When Calls the Heart episode has been pulled. The Hallmark Channel promises When Calls the Heart will not be canceled. Meanwhile, this whole scandal mirrored a Full House episode.

As for Huffman, there is some question as to why William H. Macy wasn’t charged, considering he appears to have been a very active participant in the whole scheme. Here’s Macy talking about how “stressful” the college application process is. OH IS IT, WILLIAM H. MACY? AS A PARENT WHO JUST WENT THROUGH IT WITHOUT BRIBING ANYONE, I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT HOW STRESSFUL IT WAS FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE TO BUY YOUR CHILDREN’S WAY INTO COLLEGE.

And David Mamet came racing to Huffman and Macy’s defense, which, um, no thank you?

And this tweet didn’t age well:

Dummy Jr. tried to dunk on Huffman, but it didn’t go well for him.

Huffman and Loughlin have left social media since the scandal broke, which, honestly is probably for the best.

Finally, we all know who the real victim in this whole mess is: Meghan McCain.

The Sharp Objects showrunner is hinting that there might be a second season after all.

Adnan Syed will not be getting a new trial after all.

Jussie Smollett was indicted on 16 charges of disorderly conduct following his supposed attack in Chicago. Smollett pled not guilty to all 16 charges. Last week, Empire returned on television, but there are many questions regarding its future following the Smollett scandal. Will the show be canceled, replace Smollett or kill off his character altogether? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#MeToo

From last week:

Neil deGrasse Tyson will be returning to TV with Cosmos and Star Talk following an investigation into sexual harassment allegations.

Leaving Neverland has shown a very necessary light on the practice of grooming sexual abuse victims, with searches for the term spiking over 500% in the days following the airing of the documentary.

Chantal Cousineau, one of the leaders of the #MeToo movement, reports that she hasn’t worked as an actress since she went public with her allegations against James Toback.

Renewals

From last week:

Cancellations

  • Tanked has been canceled at Animal Planet.

In Development

From last week:

Casting News

From last week:

Mark Your Calendar

  • Siren will return on Freeform in July.

From last week:

  • Chernobyl will debut on HBO on May 6.
  • The Daily Show Presents: Desi Lydic: Abroad will air on Comedy Central on May 13.

  • The Rook will debut on Starz sometime this summer.
  • Ramy will debut on Hulu on April 19.
  • Santa Clarita Diet will return on Netflix on March 29.
  • If I Could Tell You Just One Thing is going to premiere on YouTube on March 27.
  • Delhi Crime will debut on Netflix on March 22.

R.I.P.

Richard Erdman, Actor in countless movies and TV shows, you might remember him as Leonard on Community.

George M. Lehr, Producer of many series including Man From U.N.C.L.E., Police Woman, and Masquerade.

Tom Hatten, Actor, announcer, and KTLA host.

John Carl Buechler, Special effects master

Dick Dale, Legendary surf rock guitarist

From last week:

Jed Allan, Soap actor on Days of Our Lives and Santa Barbara

Kelly Catlin, US Olympic Silver Medalist in cycling

Lotte Van Der Zee, Former Miss Teen Universe

Hal Blaine, legendary drummer

WATCH THIS

9-1-1: My favorite thing about Ryan Murphy’s batshit insane emergency services procedural is how everyone is like, “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BATSHIT INSANE SHOW?” Yeah, welcome to Ryan Murphy shows, bitches. Mid-season premiere. 8 p.m., Fox

The Fix: Marcia Clarke’s revenge fantasy. Series premiere. 9 p.m., ABC

Black Lightning: “The Book of the Apocalypse: Chapter Two: The Omega.” Well, THAT sounds ominous. Season finale. 8 p.m., The CW

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit, Sharon Van Etten
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Oscar Isaac, Winston Duke, Emily King
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Lupita Nyong’o, Vicky Ward, Karen O & Danger Mouse
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Adam Scott, Taron Egerton, Miles Kane
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Mandy Moore, Antoni Porowski, Jonathan Van Ness, Karamo Brown, Tan France, Dean Lewis
  • The Daily Show: Gov. Jay Inslee
  • Busy Tonight: Cole Sprouse, Haley Lu Richardson
  • Conan: Ray Romano
  • Watch What Happens Live: Lindsay Hubbard, James Kennedy

 

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC American Idol
(new)
The Fix
(new)
CBS The Big Bang Theory
(repeat)
Man with a Plan
(new)
The Big Bang Theory
(repeat)
The Neighborhood
(new)
Bull
(new)
CW Arrow
(new)
Black Lightning
(new)
Local
FOX The Resident
(new)
9-1-1
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)
The Enemy Within
(new)
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