‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Lost

Bachelor in Paradise
September 11, 2018

At long last, my fellow travelers, we are at the end of another seemingly endless season of Bachelor in Paradise, and what better day to celebrate drunken shenanigans, stuffed dogs, witchcraft, toxic masculinity and regrettable hookups than September 11?

Never forget, y’all.

god bless america crying eagle 9:11.gif

We begin the finale episode with the morning after the Dreaded Overnight Fantasy Suites, and we waste ZERO FUCKING TIME getting everyone from the bed to the overdecorated Proposal Platform. THERE WILL BE NO LATE CHECK OUT FROM THE VIDANTA RESORT, PENDEJOS, PUT ON YOUR PANTS AND GO GET “ENGAGED.”

First up: Trauma Care and 60/40. Once on the Proposal Platform, Trauma Care begins blathering about how she “fell in love with his soul …”

eyeroll little girl

and that he makes her “feel safe…”

james harden rockets eyeroll impersonation kid

and that she wants to wake up with him every morning …

eyeroll oh please brother little girl

before telling him that she loves him in Polish.

milania-eye-roll-rhonj

I then brace myself for 60/40’s brutal dumping of Trauma Care, because we all know it’s coming. But, instead, he tells her that he loves her …

the fuck confused pug

and that he wants a future with her …

what the fuck dog confused

… but that he’s not ready to get engaged just yet.

AH, THERE IT IS.

But! He then says some bullshit about wanting to see how things go outside of Paradise because the love he has for her is “strong.” She buys this nonsense wholesale and she happily leaves Paradise with him ring-free, bless her dumb, dumb, so dumb heart.

Next up: Zoolander and E.T. After some talk about how he will only be engaged and married once, and how he doesn’t know if he’s ready for this, Zoolander plants himself on the Proposal Platform. E.T. soon arrives and is too nervous to talk at first. She eventually manages to tell him that he has inspired her to open herself up again and that she can’t wait to spend her life with him.

Zoolander then tells E.T. that she made him believe in love at first sight before dropping to one knee and proposing. E.T. says yes, and as he carries her out of Paradise, back in the Bachelor studio, the audience cheers in delight. Suckers.

Finally, Mr. Entitled and Krystal with a K. Before heading to the Proposal Platform, Mr. Entitled makes a bunch of noises about how he has doubts and he’s worried things won’t work out in the real world and how he is not sure about being committed before introducing Krystal with a K to his family even though he is an adult person who should be able to make these sorts of decisions without checking with Mommy. But I digress.

The point is, he expresses enough pre-proposal doubts that when Krystal with a K finally arrives at the Proposal Platform, and he starts talking about how he “has to be honest” with himself and her, and that “he’s sorry” but “it would be unfair to both” of them if they left today “holding [her] hand…” we are supposed to be all “OH NO HE IS BREAKING UP WITH HER!” But then he adds, “…I want to be leaving here holding your heart,” before proposing to her, because what woman doesn’t love a good old-fashioned, “PSYCHE!” in the middle of their marriage proposal?

I hate these two. They are perfect for each other.

But even I have to begrudgingly agree that it is kind of sweet that he calls his mother to tell her he’s engaged, and after Momma Entitled congratulations him, you hear her scream, “IS THAT KRYSTAL WITH A K??!” Even my cold dead heart has to admit that was a kind of cute moment.

And with that, we are back in the Bachelor studio with a select group of Paradise Pendejos:

  • Batman
  • Chicken Head
  • Grendel’s Mom
  • Pepe Le Pew
  • Yakov Smirnov
  • Pretty Boy Pitbull
  • Khal Bozo
  • Venmo
  • Manguita
  • Who?
  • Trauma Care
  • Eric the Good Dancer
  • Zoolander
  • Sooey, Jr.
  • Harry Potter
  • Taxiderpy
  • Indianapolis Colt

We then have to endure updates on the lesser relationships of Paradise, including Venmo and Who? who apparently spent a weekend together before Venmo decided that the long-distance thing was too hard …

… According to him.

According to Who?, however, he threw her over the side for Grendel’s Mother, who last I checked lives in Portland, Maine. You know, the Portland, Maine which on the other side of the country from the Bay Area which is where Venmo lives?

jessica williams no exasperated disappointed incredulous

As for Eric the Good Dancer, after self-ejecting Paradise in tears because he regretted sending Batman home, he has circled back around to trying to blame Batman for him going out on a date with Paula Abdul and then sending her home.

jessica williams no exasperated disappointed incredulous

But don’t cry for Batman, she’s now dating that one very nice football player from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette who sent himself home for the sake of his career.

CLAY
This guy: Play-Doh, also known as Clay (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

Good for you, Batman.

Next, we rehash the Pepe Le Pew/Zoolander fight, where Pepe tries to argue that there’s no reason for Zoolander to be so angry with him: Pepe asked E.T. out, she agreed to go, and Pepe didn’t owe Zoolander anything. Zoolander yells that while Pepe may have made E.T. feel comfortable, Zoolander was a “different flavor,” whatever the hell that means. It does, however, remind Pepe Le Pew that Zoolander described women as food, something he would never do. Zoolander points out that Pepe doesn’t have a woman before asking where Niña de Papa is, and for a moment, Pepe Le Pew looks like he is going to murder Zoolander right in his model face.

Moving on, we revisit Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. with a brief “Hey, remember when these two were kinda a thing and entire episodes were devoted to their stupid ‘relationship’ and they literally drove everyone insane? Yeah.”

Also, Zoolander and Chicken Head hug it out.

don't even care ron swanson

We then turn to the premature end of Seen the Breasts? and Oh Canada’s relationship. Chris Harrison brings Seen the Breasts? out to the so-called hot seat to watch a montage of the rise and catastrophic collapse of their relationship. After, Chris Harrison is all, “Hey, remember when that happened?” Seen the Breasts? is like, “YES, CHRIS HARRISON, OF COURSE I DO, IT WAS LIKE A MONTH AGO.”

Oh Canada then joins her on the couch, where he is all “I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SOARY I’M SO SOARY.” And Seen the Breasts? is all, “OK” and takes back Walmart James Marsden.

buffy xander yay unsure

Next up in our tour of disastrous romances: Taxiderpy and Grocery Joe. Taxiderpy is first on the couch, where she is forced to watch the “HOW DARE YOU BREAK GROCERY JOE’S HEART? HOW DARE YOU?” montage. After, she explains that almost as soon as she left Mexico and touched down in California, she was on a plane to Chicago, wanting to talk to Grocery Joe in person. And she brought a camera crew with her — I hope in exchange for them paying for the trip.

In Chicago, Taxiderpy tells Grocery Joe that she regrets how everything happened in Paradise and that she is in love with him. But he’s all, “WELL, IT IS PROBABLY TOO LITTLE TOO LATE, LADY,” except in a series of grunts, because even for Grocery Joe that is way too many syllables.

They then bring Grocery Joe out to join Taxiderpy to the couch where he and Taxiderpy pretend to be uncomfortable with each other for all of five seconds before being all, “WE’RE BACK TOGETHER, YOU GUYSSSSSSS!”

sarcastic yay brooklyn nine-nine

Then Chris Harrison announces that Grocery Joe is going to be on Dancing with the Stars because while he obviously can’t be the next Bachelor since he’s back together with Taxiderpy, ABC is not going to let go of a good thing — especially since no one wants to see NeedleDick dance.

We are then at the Final Three Couples portion of the evening, and we begin with Trauma Care and 60/04. To start, Trauma Care joins Chris Harrison by herself, where she watches the montage. Trauma then talks about how excited she is, and that while maintaining a long distance relationship has been difficult, she is pretty sure an engagement is on the horizon.

This is, of course, when they bring 60/40 out to the couch where he announces that whatever spark they had in Paradise is gone and that he is not the man for her. The audience and other Pendejos GASP! in shock and there is a long awkward silence for a while, but I literally don’t know why anybody is surprised, this was always going to happen. You just don’t come back from a first date announcing that THIS IS THE MAN YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY!!1!1!!!! unless you are a whole bucketful of crazy. The only remarkable part of any of this is that it took 60/40 this long to come to the obvious result.

All of that said, it is particularly shitty of 60/40 to wait to dump her in such a spectacularly public and humiliating way. Trauma Care points out that they just booked an Airbnb together for the week before accusing him of never trying to make it work between them. And in Trauma Care’s defense: don’t book an Airbnb with a woman you know you are about to dump! But in 60/40’s defense: don’t try to make something work with someone who refuses to try to make it work!

Trauma Care stomps off the set to go have a cry backstage while on stage 60/40 tries to talk himself out of the villain hole he has dug for himself. Once she collects herself, Trauma returns to the stage where she explains that she’s not furious with him for breaking up with her, she’s furious with the way he’s breaking up with her, prompting Sooey Jr.’s supportive, “yes, bitch, yes” seen at the top of the page. YES, BITCH, YES. Now how about you maybe get some therapy, stop thinking you’re in love with every man you make eye contact with, and grow the fuck up.

Chris Harrison banishes 60/40, who wanders around backstage whining about looking like a douchebag — an easily avoidable problem with a one-step solution: don’t act like a douchebag. Then we have some backstage footage of Trauma and 60/40 chatting again but I am done with both of these emotional ding-dongs, bye.

Next, we check in on Zoolander and E.T. who, following Paradise, are still engaged, making vision boards together, eating chocolates in the bathtub, and talking about having 10 children. On stage, Zoolander asks Chris Harrison to marry them in Paradise on June 9th of next year and oh my God, I am actually rooting for these two dingbats. I know that I make fun of the people on these shows for not being the sharpest tools in the shed, but just because they are not Ph.D. candidates doesn’t mean they don’t deserve happiness. So mazel tov, you beautiful dummies! I see a bright future ahead for the two of you!

*checks the internet*

rooting for you tyra

Finally, our erstwhile villains, Mr. Entitled and Krystal with a K come out, tearfully tell us how happy they are, force us to endure a video of them playing with Krystal with a K’s insufferable purse dogs, and then introduce us to their mothers who are now best friends.

Chris Harrison presents them with a crystal goose — because, get it? her name is Krystal with a K and “goose” is the dumb nickname he has given to himself for no discernable reason, not that you would know that if you only read this blog because I REFUSE TO CALL HIM THAT? It’s a symbol. Or … something.

whatever-who-cares-erika-rhobh

And that is how we end another season of Bachelor of Paradise, which also marks my three and a half month break from anything Bachelor-related. Pass the tequila, por favor, Momma needs a drink.

The women in Paradise:

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The men in Paradise:

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The pendejos who have been eliminated:

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Bachelor in Paradise aired Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC. It will presumably return next summer to ruin my August and liver.

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