Bachelor in Paradise
August 27, 2018
There is trouble in Paradise for Zoolander and E.T. and it has a French-Canadian accent. We begin the episode the morning after Pepe Le Pew and E.T.’s night of eating bad Italian food and churros, and the two are spending a lot of time snuggling on the beach exposing all of us to the horror show that is Pepe Le Pew’s back hair.
His patchy, patchy back hair:
“DOES HE HAVE MANGE?” my husband who almost never watches this dumb show with me shrieked.
Meanwhile, Zoolander is left pouting on the sidelines, complaining that he is NOT A TOSSUP — a tosser, maybe, but NOT A TOSSUP — and making fun of Pepe Le Pew’s perfectly normal frisbee throw when he has so muhc back hair material to work with.
And then there is Mr. Entitled and Krystal with a K , these two wonder dipshits, who are starting to talk about what marriage means to them and how “intimate” they are and how they are on track to making it out of this thing together.
Which means only one thing: SEND IN THE NEXT SET OF TALKING ABS.
Next into Paradise is that dummy with the hair from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette? No, the other one. NO, THE OTHER ONE. You know, the one who threw Sex Offender’s photo with Becca into a pool because he was a big baby having a temper tantrum? You remember: Baby Temper Tantrum? Yeah, so he comes in with “the boys” as he literally calls his abdominal muscles and a date card.
But he seems to have already made up his mind about who he wants to ask out: Krystal with a K, whose eyes light up when she sees him arrive, and it’s clear that these two have been slipping into each other’s DMs, as the kids say these days.
I’m very hip on the lingo.
So Abs McGee and his dumb hair here, he takes Krystal with a K aside to chat first. There she tells him that he was the one person she was hoping to meet in Paradise. BUT! PLOT TWIST! She’s really into Mr. Entitled, so he should probably ask someone else to join him on his date.
Krystal with a K then informs Mr. Entitled that she encouraged Baby Temper Tantrum to ask someone else out, and Mr. Entitled is SO RELIEVED that he proceeds to tell everyone in Paradise that Krystal with a K turned down Baby Temper Tanrum’s date.
So when Baby Temper Tantrum returns to Krystal with a K and asks her out anyway, and then she agrees to go, the funniest moment of the episode happens:
Baby Temper Tantrum and Krystal with a K’s date involves them lying in a pit while a Mexican gentleman buries them up to their necks in sand while telling them in Spanish to close their eyes and find their spirit animals, not that Baby Temper Tantrum understands a word, because as he explains, “No hablo Ingles.” Indeed.
BUT CAN ALL OF THE DATES FROM HERE ON OUT INVOLVE BURYING THE CONTESTANTS ALIVE? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE? I’LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, SHOW.
Once released from their pit (boo), Krystal with a K yammers about how “zenned out” and “namasted” she feels and then these two explore each other’s chakras for a while.
When they return from the date, Mr. Entitled is up and waiting for them so that he can pout at Krystal with a K that she PROMISED she wasn’t going to go on a date with Baby Temper Tantrum, SO WHAT HAPPENED? And Krystal with a K is all, “My goodness, look how late it is! I’m going to go to bed now byeeeeeeeeeee!”
Meanwhile, Act Two of the Zoolander – E.T. – Pepe Le Pew triangle: Zoolander takes E.T. aside where he tells her more of the same: she’s cute, he thinks it might be “love at sight [sic]”, his feelings are strong, blah. They make out and she announces that she needs to go talk to Pepe Le Pew.
Off she goes to chat with Sorta-Frenchie, where, in the middle of trying to break up with him, her tongue somehow, mysteriously, ends up in his mouth.
Zoolander sees all of this and is SO ANGRY. But instead of confronting the person he should be mad at, he yells at Pepe Le Pew that, “ACTIONS ARE NOT ADDING UP TO WORDS” whatever the hell that means. Pepe Le Pew is like, “Le mec, I do not know what zis is, mais maybe you should discutes zis with her, eh? Ouis?”
And then Pepe Le Pew says what we’re all thinking: this bitch fou fou.
In other, less paid-attention-to storylines, Pretty Boy Pitbull woke up, realized where he was, yelled, “OH SHIT, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?” and came up with a story for why he needed to go home RIGHT THIS VERY FUCKING SECOND, something something daughter dance recital, BYE.
Trauma Care, she is traumatized.
And then the next morning we learn that Venmo told G.I. Jane straight up that he was not interested in her, and so she packed her bags and left. We spend exactly 15 seconds on this — I counted — while a full 45 minutes of the episode is devoted to E.T. bouncing back and forth between Zoolander and Pepe Le Pew. WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES, SHOW?
Or maybe someone set off a camera flash in their eyes, the Get Out brainwashing slipped for a minute, and these two realized they were trapped in Mexico with a bunch of insipid drunk white children and they escaped while they could. I choose to believe this scenario.
But! Also! does Venmo not know how math works? Isn’t he our resident math genius? G.I. Jane was his guaranteed rose in this game. If he wanted to stick around and see which women were going to arrive next, he needed G.I. Jane’s rose this week. But now he’ll be competing with four other dudes for Grendel’s Mom’s attention.
Unless … unless he ALSO wants to go home, in which case he should have just claimed he had a dance recital to go to.
Anywhoozless, the next person to arrive in Paradise is 60/40, who, I am either delighted or horrified — can’t decide which — to learn everyone in Paradise ALSO calls “60/40.”
He takes Trauma Care out on his date, and after a terrifying dune buggy ride, some ziplining and splashing around in a NOT!Lost waterfall …
… Trauma Care declares them one of the strongest couples in Paradise.
Back in Paradise, Grendel’s Mom wonders what she is even doing here. Girl, don’t ask me. Maybe it’s time for your kid to have a recital.
In other weirdness, Oh Canada and Seen the Breasts? who have been together since week one, have a conversation where Oh Canada suggests that she should date other men. Understandably, Seen the Breasts? is like, “WHAT THE FUCK?” before stomping back to her room to cry.
Oh Canada eventually convinces her to talk to him where he explains that he’s had his heart broken twice before on these dumb shows, and he just worries that what they have is too good to be true. He’s frightened that they haven’t really been tested, and clearly worries that if he lets down his guard too much, if he cares too much, she’ll be taken away from him. He then recognizes that the problem is that he should have kept these fears and insecurities and anxieties to himself but because he goes to therapy, he tends to want to talk out his feelings. And in conclusion, he’s sorry for scaring her.
And can we just talk about how the man with the most emotional intelligence in this God forsaken place is this derpface:
We also get to endure Act Three of the Zoolander – E.T. – Pepe Le Pew triangle which ends with E.T. choosing Zoolander and Pepe Le Pew throwing Le Grief Football into the ocean. It’s really not worth delving into too deeply, honestly, except to say that E.T. is a halfwit whose brain is so thoroughly awash in misogynisitic nonsense that she doesn’t know to run away from obvious danger.
Finally, over in the Grocery Joe – Taxiderpy – Khal Drogo mess, everyone in Paradise knows that Khal Drogo explored Grendel’s Mom’s options, except, somehow, for Taxiderpy. Which is why when Taxiderpy is discussing with Oh Canada how she could see things working out with Khal Drogo outside of Paradise, Oh Canada casually replies, “well, then he shouldn’t have kissed Grendel’s Mom…” believing that she already knew. She didn’t already knew. Oh Canada is suddenly all OH SHIT! and asks her to not tell Khal Drogo he was the one who told her. ALSO, TOO, WHOOPS.
Pissed, Taxiderpy confronts Khal Drogo about the kiss, who tries to dismiss it as meaningless by saying that “it was just a peck” and that “it wasn’t romantic” and that “it was just a fun thing” that happened. “OH … OH … OH … OK … SO WHY DID YOU KEEP IT SECRET, THEN?” Taxiderpy demands to know, and he doesn’t have an answer because he is very dumb.
But instead of just being apologetic and letting it go and maybe checking in with Grendel’s Mom on who she might be giving her rose to, Khal Bozo here (nickname courtesy of husband who, like I said, never watches this nonsense with me), goes full asshole.
Never go full asshole.
But he goes full asshole and starts yelling about snitches and rats and tattle tales and insisting that “kissing is like a handshake” in Paradise. Which kinda? But no. But kinda?
In any event, at some point Oh Canada is like, “I guess I have to go tell him I’m the guy although if he had any deduction skills whatsoever he’d have been able to figure out it was me since I was also the one who also tattled on Mr. Entitled to Indianapolis Colt but whatever.”
So Oh Canada comes clean with Khal Bozo who can’t quite believe that Oh Canada would tell Taxiderpy the truth without some sort of ulterior motive. Khal Bozo insists that the real reason he’s mad is because he was going to tell Taxiderpy about the kiss himself but Oh Canada ruined it, to which Oh Canada just openly laughs because:
Khal Bozo then demands to know where the Paradise rule is that everyone has to be honest with everyone about what they are doing with whom, and Oh Canada is like, “I don’t know, but Taxiderpy likes that rule.”
Oh snap, Oh Canada.
And speaking of Canadians, as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said:
I kinda love this guy? Like, a lot?
Finally, Khal Bozo and Taxiderpy have one last conversation where this dumb motherfucker tries to tell her that she hurt him, and that he can’t believe she would do something so terrible as accusing him of doing the thing that he did.
THEY WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME AND THEN SHE HAD TO GO AND BELIEVE SOMETHING SOMEONE SAID ABOUT HIM.
Taxiderpy asks if this someone was lying and he insists THEY WERE.
About kissing? Taxiderpy asks.
NO … BUT ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
When this particular line of bullshit fails to find purchase, Khal Bozo just goes complete fucko, saying insincerely that he wants her to be happy with Grocery Joe, that he hopes it works out for them, but that he knows now that she was faking it, that whatever was between them was all a lie on her part, and that she’s a fake faker … but also, she’s amazing and he doesn’t know why she’s still single.
That’s when Grocery Joe joins the conversation. But we’re going pick that up tomorrow, along with my rant on toxic masculinity and how all of these awful shows not only encourage it, but are dependent upon it for their lifeblood.
The women in Paradise:
The men in Paradise:
The pendejos who have been eliminated:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.