‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: It’s not a drinking problem, it’s a drinking solution.

The Real Housewives of New York
“Reunion, Part 1”
August 22, 2018

Pull out your studded gowns, pop in your hair extensions, and gather up all your festering resentments: it’s reunion time. And watch your back, Bethenny, because Ramona, Dorinda and Princess Carole are gunning for you.

So here’s the thing: reunions are always difficult to recap because there is always so much crosstalk (or cross screaming as the case always is) and little bitchy asides that get lost in the mix, and this reunion is no exception. What was remarkable about this first hour of the reunion, however, was how much of all of that cross screaming was directed at one particular person — Bethenny. (It was not unlike the year when The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills decided to VanderGang up on Lisa Vanderpump for some VanderBaffling reason.) And so when reading this, just imagine that every time Bethenny is talking either Dorinda is rolling her eyes or Princess Carole is saying something under her breath or Ramona is actively screaming at her because detailing each instance they did one of these things would make this recap 10,000 words long.

Andy Cohen officially greets the women, complimenting Bethenny on her ponytail, Princess Carole on her dress, Sonja on her “look” which Sonja informs us could be ours for the low, low price of $145, Dorinda on her JOVANI! dress, Ramona on her “Ramona Glitter Gold,” which I suppose replaces Ramona Blue, and Tinsley who looks like “a princess,” because despite being MY AGE, she’s an overgrown toddler.

As Andy Cohen tries to explain that The Countess won’t be joining them for the reunion because …

karen-will-grace-drink-water-vodka

… hilariously Princess Carole’s phone goes off, earning her a hard glare from our host. OH, SWEETIE.

Andy Cohen hits the women with a few quick questions:

  • Q: How’s the new apartment, Bethenny?
    A: GREAT!
  • Q: You’re selling your Upper East Side apartment, Ramona?
    A: YEP!
  • Q: Looks like you’ve very slightly changed your hair, Tinsley?
    A: I KNOW!
  • Q: You look great, Dorinda!
    A: I’VE BEEN WORKING OUT!
  • Q: Are you still on a raw diet, Sonja?
    A: KINDA!
  • Q: So what’s the deal with you and the Duke of Mayonnaise, Princess Carole? Are you still friends with “coffee?” Where is this relationship headed, do you suppose?
    A: Are you fucking kidding me with this?

Andy Cohen then begins the first of the montages: Ladies Wear Clothes. After, he asks Princess Carole about The Countess’ blackface Halloween costume and Princess Carole is like, “I MEAN, SHE WAS WEARING AN AFRO WIG, ANDY.” But the other women shrug and insist that the bronzer — THE BRONZER, AS IN MAKE UP DESIGNED TO MAKE YOUR SKIN LOOK DARKER — looked much darker on camera and they don’t really get what all the fuss is about.

A viewer asks Princess Carole if she has a stylist, and she insists that she does not, she is just friends with a lot of fancy designers. I mean, sure. OK.

They then return to the Halloween party, asking who had the best costume and the worst, and while no one can agree on the best costume, the consensus seems to be that Sonja had the worst for some reason. I dunno, I thought her Lucy was pretty cute. As for Princess Carole, she claims she “never smoked in [her] life … really” but that this year gave her plenty of reason.

Speaking of: The Bethenny had a Hard Year Montage.

bethenny light up balloon rhony real housewives of new york

Andy Cohen begins with questions about Jill, and whether Bethenny’s reunion with her at Bobby’s funeral was a surprise. She insists that it was, and that after hearing that Bobby died, she decided that she would never regret going to his funeral, but that she might regret not going. And that, in fact, it was nice and she and Jill have been texting.

At this point, Ramona declares that SHE CAN TAKE IT NO LONGER, and basically accuses Bethenny of dragging the production crew to the funeral whereas the other ladies who went did not want to be filmed. However, Andy Cohen is all, “Well, actually, Jill invited us to film and, frankly, I am glad Bethenny brought the cameras. So.” (And I remember there being footage in the car Ramona was riding in so it’s not like it was a surprise?)

Bethenny then continues, explaining that Jill had apparently begged Bobby to fix things between herself and Bethenny, but it was the only thing he ever denied her. And yet, by dying, he ended up bringing them together after all, so, now we’re happy he died? I guess?

buffy xander yay unsure

Ramona keeps insisting that Bethenny was not interested in a relationship with Jill, but just being opportunistic. Dorinda starts chiming in, demanding to know how much time Bethenny has spent with Jill since their big reconciliation, and Bethenny admits that they have only texted, not actually met in person, because she’s just “dipping her toe” into a relationship with her. Princess Carole and Dorinda roll their eyes into the back of their heads as far as they will go while Andy Cohen tries to change the conversation by pointing out that Jill has been dating some guy that Ramona had gone out with because the dating pool of available men in Manhattan is somehow smaller than the dating pool available to Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants who somehow bend the space-time continuum and manage to date each other before they are ever on the show.

Moving on to Puerto Rico … But before I return to the snark, I just want to point out that I happened to watch this episode on the one year anniversary of Harvey slamming into my city, and I found myself emotional all over again. I can only imagine the pain and grief my fellow Americans in Puerto Rico must be feeling as their own anniversary nears. Never forget how our government abandoned our fellow Americans in their greatest moment of need.

Anyway, so Bethenny, as we know, raised money for Houston, Mexico and Puerto Rico, and she makes an express point of thanking her fellow cast members for their generosity. In return, Ramona begins shrieking at her about how she doesn’t support the rest of them, she never engages with them, she’s horribly negative about all of them, and never has anything positive to say about anything the rest of them do.

Bethenny points out that over the years, Ramona has been pretty fucking horrible to her, what with saying that she doesn’t have any friends, that she is going to ruin her relationship with Jason, talking about how she did “soft-core porn” and claiming that she slept her way to success … or does Ramona not remember any of that? Ramona counters by screaming that Bethenny is a mean girl and a bully, and Bethenny is like, “Yeah, and this is exactly why I don’t want to talk to you.”

the countess rhony oh uncomfortable i see i get it

Andy Cohen then moves on to Nutcrackergate, and Bethenny insists that she did thank Dorinda profusely for helping her procure it. Princess Carole, Dorinda and Ramona start shrieking over he that she is A LIAR! and Andy Cohen has to order them to shut the fuck up so that Bethenny can tell her side of the story.

Bethenny claims that when they were in the Berkshires, Bethenny asked Dorinda if she knew someone who could help her get her hands on this dumb nutcracker, and Dorinda put Bethenny and her guy into a three-way text together. When he told Bethenny he found one, Bethenny texted her many thank yous to Dorinda. And that’s the problem: she didn’t thank Dorinda on camera to Dorinda’s satisfaction, hence this entire stupid argument.

A viewer asks Bethenny why she was so condescending about Ramona’s “skin care line” and so unsupportive of the other women in their ventures? Isn’t it kinda ironic when every fourth word out of Bethenny’s mouth is “SKINNYGIRL!”

Bethenny argues that Ramona hasn’t had a successful product since the show began, what with True Faith and Ramona Pinot and that one sports bar that never happened, and OH DO YOU REMEMBER THE HAIR EXTENSIONS?

ramona hair extensions rhony.jpg

LOL NEVER 4GET.

Ramona, backed up by Princess Carole and Dorinda, begins yelling about Skinny Girl Chocolate which … when I checked just now, appears to be in stores?

amy-poehler-confused

Bethenny counters that last she checked, Ramona still hadn’t found a lab for this skin care line of hers that she threw a launch party for (Dorinda hopes she finds one soon). And, also, Bethenny insists, Ramona has been very critical of Sonja’s fake businesses.

“THAT WAS YOU!!!!” everyone shrieks at Bethenny because it was, and Ramona threatens to walk off the set because she just can’t take any more of Bethenny’s lies.

But instead she stays on the set and shoves her hand over Sonja’s mouth because she was trying to defend Bethenny and screams about how Bethenny had a car in college (?) and that Ramona has two houses, and BETHENNY HAS JUST BEEN SO TERRIBLE TO HER, and HOW DARE SHE SIT THERE WITH HER FAKE TITS? And everyone is like, “But … you have fake boobs?” Ramona points out that she got hers at 55 where as Bethenny got hers at 30. SO CHECKMATE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

bethenny rhony real housewives new york ok boobs.gif

Andy Cohen asks Ramona why she freaked out on Bethenny while she was walking her dog, and Bethenny suggests that Ramona was really happy that her relationship with Princess Carole was falling apart. Ramona insists that it was just the opposite: she, for one, has 30 girlfriends she could call up at a moment’s notice, and she knows that Princess Carole was Bethenny’s only friend, so she felt really bad for Bethenny.

shade

As for why Bethenny didn’t engage with Ramona at The Countess’ after party, Bethenny just wasn’t looking for negativity that night. Princess Carole tries to interject, asking why Bethenny couldn’t just tell Ramona, “congratulations” and be done with it, and Bethenny replies that “we will call you when we need you,” prompting Princess Carole to say she’s “such a bitch.”

what-shock-jessica-daily-show

Andy Cohen then introduces a small montage of the other women crying to Bethenny about different things because I guess we’re already at the part of the reunion where the producers need to smooth over Bethenny’s ruffled feathers by making her look like the nice one.

Next montage: Hey, is Dorinda a Drunk? Maybe!

jerry o'connell is dorinda rhony drunk slurring

Before Andy Cohen can start with the questions, Dorinda takes over and declares that she is STILL pissed that The Countess hasn’t offered her an apology. Bethenny interrupts to say that she heard Dorinda muttering something about Bethenny and labels, and Dorinda is like, “YEAH, BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A DRUNK.” This launches a whole discussion over whether Bethenny said to Dorinda on the plane to Puerto Rico “you’re a drunk” or “you’re drunk” which is stupid because of course Bethenny said “you’re a drunk,” saying “you’re drunk” the morning after a drunken episode doesn’t exactly make sense.

This goes on for way too long, with Andy Cohen asking several times if Bethenny thinks Dorinda has a drinking problem, a question that Bethenny attempts to dodge despite the fact she spent the entire season calling Dorinda a drunk with a drinking problem. But Dorinda is not letting Bethenny off the hook so easily, reminding her that she did call her a drunk and that it hurt.

Bethenny points out that after the pre-Puerto Rico dinner, Dorinda APOLOGIZED TO THE WRONG PERSON, so maybe forgive Bethenny if she thinks Dorinda has a problematic relationship with booze. Dorinda begins screaming that Bethenny labels people, that Ramona has no friends, Sonja is dead to you, Princess Carole is sad and lonely, Tinsley is a dingbat, Jules is a pill popper, Heather has no company … but, I mean, maybe?

teresa shrug rhonj no

They then argue about whether or not Bethenny should have allowed Dorinda to come to that dinner if she was that drunk, as if it was Bethenny’s responsibility any more than, say, any of the producers, but whatever. Princess Carole then snips at Bethenny that it’s not constructive to call a person a drunk on television, to which Bethenny fires back that it’s not constructive to call a person a narcissist on television, but that didn’t stop Princess Carole.

Andy Cohen turns the attention back to Dorinda, pointing out that sometimes she’s a fun drunk, but other times she’s cutting open her hands and screaming at strangers andmaybeshehasadrinkingissue? But Dorinda insists that she starts slurring her words after only two drinks — an answer that Bethenny calls “denial.” Dorinda then starts talking about being depressed over her empty nest and how she felt heavy in all ways, mentally and physically, and decided that something had to give. Bethenny argues that this is the problem: nothing did give. In fact, Bethenny insists, Dorinda was drinking in the morning, an accusation that Dorinda ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY DENIES AND IN FACT IT WAS BETHENNY WHO WAS DRINKING IN THE MORNING. Shouting shouting shouting and Ramona, who I am sure is uncomfortable with all this discussion about who is and isn’t an alcoholic for some reason, insists that NONE of them are drunks.

i-mean-ok-skeptical

Dorinda and Bethenny then argue over who bashed who the most in interviews before Andy Cohen is all, “Yes, but back to the drinking issue … so, let me get this straight, you don’t think you have a problem with alcohol, Dorinda?”

And we have to leave it on that shady note and wait for part two of the reunion.

Until then:

bethenny cheers rhony real housewives of new york

 

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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