Bachelor in Paradise
August 21, 2018
In anticipation of new men arriving in Paradise, and to rid themselves of the bad juju from the night before, Krystal with a K “sages” the women. But, oh, honey, one little roll of sage is not going to do it. You are going to need an entire sage bush to rid yourselves of Paradise-grade douchiness and idiocy.
Down at the bar, E.T. is reasonably concerned about Zoolander’s insane outburst from the night before …
… and declares her options officially open.
More secure in their relationship is Taxiderpy and Grocery Joe, Grocery Joe going so far as to say that he might be falling in love with her, so obviously they are going to make it to the end of this thing without any tears or heartbreak and we don’t have to worry about them at all.
And right on cue in walks Khal Drogo, whom the women describe as “a chiseled Greek god” and having stepped right off the “cover of a romance novel” and a “stallion of a human,” a “horse man.” Well, the Dothraki are actually called “horselords” but yes, that’s pretty much it, and Khal Drogo is here to be the Sun to allllll the ladies’ Moons.
Khal Drogo asks to speak to E.T. first, and we learn that she has Proverbs 3:15 — “She is more precious than rubies” — tattooed on her back; not that she explains that it is a Bible quote, instead insisting that it is about her discovering her own value. And let us all now quietly sit in the hilarious unintended irony that the “She” in the Biblical quote refers to “Wisdom” — the single furthest thing in the world from this sweet, but half-witted “social media manager/fitness consultant/professional reality dating contestant.”
Anyway, Khal Drogo, as a horselord, is duly impressed with the quality of E.T.’s teeth.
Khal Drogo then asks to speak to Krystal with a K where they have a conversation about her Scandinavian heritage because THAT never ceases to be fascinating. At some point Grendel’s Mother interrupts to chat with him because, as she explains, she literally is having a physical reaction to how attractive she finds him.
Khal Drogo eventually asks Taxiderpy to chat, where they discuss how he grew up in Hollywood which apparently “forces you to be yourself,” and other meaningless garbage.
Meanwhile, Grocery Joe and Mr. Entitled pout while Zoolander compares Khal Drogo coming into Paradise and chatting up their
potential roses lady friends to washing their clothes in a laundromat. Speaking of proverbs, I need Zoolander to collect his in a book, please.
Finally, Khal Drogo asks Taxiderpy on his date, and she accepts without even glancing at Grocery Joe. She does check in with Grocery Joe before leaving on her date where he whines that he wouldn’t gone on a date with someone if this completely hypothetical someone were to ask, and he hopes she has a terrible time, before SO AWKWARDLY going in for a kiss when she clearly is just offering a hug (see above). Oh, Grocery Joe.
So, Khal Drogo and Taxiderpy go on their date where they are met by Jorge the bartender who explains that they are going to be models for the cover of the romance novel he’s written. Jorge then tells them the plot — such as it is — for this romance novel that has in no way been written by Jorge or anyone else for that matter, and it is helpfully acted out by … oh fuck me … it is acted out by Needledick, his bride-to-be That One Lauren, Unlovable and … someone else. I don’t know who she is and I do not have the energy to try to figure it out.
THE POINT IS, Khal Drogo and Taxiderpy pose for this fake romance novel cover and then make out for thirteen hours.
Back in Paradise, Grocery Joe mopes.
Khal Drogo and Taxiderpy eventually return to Paradise, in robes sans clothes for some unexplained reason, and Grocery Joe is all, “OH IT’S LIKE THAT.” Taxiderpy admits that she had a good time, and that she did kiss Khal Drogo (A LOT).
Grocery Joe mopes.
But then! As Taxiderpy is telling Seen the Breasts? that while she cares about Grocery Joe, she thinks Khal Drogo could be THE ONE, Khal Drogo is busily herding Grendel’s Mom into the hot tub to shove his horse tongue down her throat — and everyone, including Grocery Joe, sees him doing it.
Oh, and Zoolander compares Khal Drogo to Goldilocks because “he’s tasting all the porridge.” GODDAMMIT, WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT COMPARING WOMEN TO FOOD, YOU GROSS IDIOT?
But the next morning, no one bothers to tell Taxiderpy about it? Instead, when she comes down to breakfast, everyone coyly asks her about her date with Drogo, but no one bothers to inform her that the minute after he dropped her off, he was inspecting the inside Grendel’s Mom’s mouth. What happened to all the tattle-tales who ratted out Mr. Entitled not a week ago? Are they just terrified of Khal Drogo because he looks like he could tear your tongue out of your mouth through your throat with his bare hands? (Maybe!)
A date card arrives and to Grocery Joe’s crippling disappointment, it’s addressed to Indianapolis Colt WHO I MIGHT REMIND EVERYONE HAS ALREADY HAD A DATE CARD SO WHY ARE THEY FORCING US TO WATCH ANOTHER BORING SOOEY, JR. AND INDIANAPOLIS COLT DATE UGH NO THANK YOU.
But here we are, following Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. into Puerto Vallarta where they wander around a market for a while, misinterpreting the meaning of Dia de los Muertos dioramas (no, the little wedding scene does not, in fact, mean “marriage is death”), before heading over to a square where Jorge is hosting a musical chairs competition for adults which, come to think of it, is a perfect metaphor for this entire show.
And then, surprise! Sooey, Sr. and Doll Daddy join them for the game because apparently those two are still dating. After they finishing playing Musical Chairs for Adults, Sooey, Sr. and Sooey, Jr. have a chat where Senior warns Junior that Indianapolis Colt is only dating her because she’s the current “It Girl.” Senior points out that Indianapolis Colt went out with her until Becca became the Bachelorette and then he went after her and now that Becca’s off the table, he’s back dating Junior and she leaves out the part where he also dated Aly Raisman but we’re all thinking it. The point is, Senior disapproves and declares in complete seriousness if he hurts Junior, she will chop off his penis so that he will never lose that precious virginity of his.
But the heart wants what the heart wants and so when Sooey, Jr. chats with Indianapolis Colt later, she doesn’t confront him with Senior’s concerns that he’s just a publicity whore, instead explaining that Sooey, Sr. just worries about her dating yet another man who is not good enough for her. But Indianapolis Colt assures her that he’s really into her for real this time, and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently we are in 6th grade.
Back in Paradise, Benoit, a French-Canadian who was on The Bachelor Winter Games and who apparently proposed to Niña de Papa arrives, and consults with Oh Canada on who he should ask out on a date. Oh Canada suggests Krystal with a K, but after an awkward conversation with her, Pepe Le Pew chats with E.T., and soon after invites her to join him on his date. She happily agrees. Zoolander seethes.
Pepe Le Pew and E.T. go into town to have dinner in an Italian restaurant — obviously — where they chat about what they want out of a relationship. “And zis Zoolander, eh? Quelle es happening with zis guy?” E.T. tries to say nice things about Zoolander before adding that she worries that Zoolander thinks that she is “his,” which he totally totally does. Then there is kissing and the two of them Lady-and-the-Tramp some churros and her lipstick is smeared all over his French face and she’s somehow carrying him down the rain-slick street and they’re very cute together.
Meanwhile, back in Paradise, Zoolander decides that the way to win E.T. back is to carve a giant I’M SORRY in the sand because I guess the production has already blown through its Giant Stuffed Dog budget. When E.T. and Pepe Le Pew return to Paradise, Zoolander is waiting for her to show her his masterpiece and she’s all “… That’s … nice?”
But the next thing you know E.T. is sobbing in an interview because she doesn’t know who “to trust with her heart forever” and girl. It’s not that hard. Zoolander is a tool. Go French and never regarde en arrière.
The women in Paradise:
The men in Paradise:
The pendejos who have been eliminated:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.