‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: So much shit talking. Literally.

The Real Housewives of New York
“There’s No Place Like Home”
August 8, 2018

Before we begin, let’s address the sad news that broke last week: that Bethenny’s on-again-off-again boyfriend Dennis passed away from an overdose. It’s unclear if Bethenny and Dennis were together romantically at the time, but it nevertheless is a tragic loss for Bethenny who has been friends with Dennis for more than 20 years. My heart goes out to her.

We begin the episode with Ramona giving Dorinda, The Countess and Sonja a tour of her remolded Hamptons home: here are the rugs she bought from Jill Zarin that her dogs can shit and piss all over and that she can spill red wine on! here is all the furniture she ordered online! here is the complete lack of color, warmth or individuality!

The Countess, for one, is underwhelmed.

the-countess-gross

I am going to pause here and note that Ramona’s home is decorated in monotones, mostly whites and greys and that there is a LOT of anonymity to it, but it’s not tacky or unattractive. Sonja was on Watch What Happens Live! the night this episode aired and suggested that Ramona is actually preparing to sell the house, and I’m inclined to agree. It’s not an unattractive remodel, but it looks like a home that has been stripped clean of anything that might prevent a prospective buyer from being able to see themselves in the house.

The women then discuss in excruciating detail the condition of their bowels. In Cartagena, Ramona unnecessarily explains, it was so bad, the diarrhea just “fell” out of her before she could make it to the bathroom (a mental image that I will never be able to scrub clean from my brain), and The Countess, as we know from the previous episode, literally shat the bed.

corinne-poop-poop-poop-the-bachelor

Sonja’s solution to the problem was to wear adult diapers, and the fact that Sonja Morgan is an advocate of adult diapers is the single least surprising thing she has ever said on this show. She should reach out to Lisa Rinna’s agent.

dish-070815-lisa-rinna-depends

But good news, everyone! While The Countess, Dorinda, and Ramona are still struggling with intestinal distress, Sonja happily informs us that she and Carol have finally moved on to hard stools. Relief is possibly on the way!

Elsewhere, Tinsley visits Princess Carole at her apartment where she informs Her Royal Highness that she’s still not pooping normally, but she’s super thrilled to hear that Princess Carole is feeling better. That’s great. Good for her.

But I thought that Tinsley and Bethenny were the only ones who weren’t stricken with the poops? OK. STOP. WHY AM I OVERTHINKING THESE WOMEN’S SHITS? WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO MY BRAIN?

Tinsley then tries to argue that the boat ride really wasn’t all that bad, and Princess Carole is like, “Girl, no. It was THAT BAD, and I’m thinking this is your abuse victim mentality speaking, trying to pretend that something terrible was actually fine.”

“I AM TAKING THIS VERY PERSONALLY,” Tinsley sobs, “BECAUSE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS VERY PERSONAL.”

Because it kinda is? I mean, Princess Carole ain’t wrong, but still.

Over at Grey Gardens, Sonja is still preparing to try to rent out her townhouse — again for $32,000 A MONTH — but she can’t be bothered to clean up the dog shit on her patio. For $32,000 a month, you can at least hose down the patio, right?

Later, Sonja’s real estate agent tells her that the one issue potential renters have is not the poodle poop, but the construction that is happening behind the townhouse. She further suggests that they maybe lower to price to start with a “2,” but Sonja is like, “NOPE. I DEMAND WHAT I AM WORTH.”

Real Estate Lady:

deep-sigh_project-runway

While she was in Colombia, Bethenny’s staff moved her into her new apartment, which, honestly, is the only way to move: you go on a foreign vacation, other people deal with the hot sweaty business of moving.

Dorinda stops by to see the new place and have some lunch and to complain that she still doesn’t feel 100%, while Bethenny brags that she could lick the bowl of a Colombian prison toilet and still not get diarrhea.

let's hope it doesn't come to that

Over lunch, Dorinda reveals that she’s still pissed off at The Countess for being so judgey, especially after everything Dorinda went through defending her on the whole Tom the Cheater front. Dorinda is sorry for what she said in Colombia, but she needs The Countess to say that she is sorry, too. (Spoiler alert: The Countess is never going to say that she is sorry, too. Never. Not ever. She will send herself back to rehab to avoid having to say that she is sorry, too.)

The women then briefly discuss their love lives, Dorinda explaining that she and Fudgie the Whale are “always in a growing space,” whatever the hell THAT means, and Bethenny explaining that she’s not speaking to Dennis for 90 days, for some unexplained reason, before adding that she may end up living her life alone.

chrissy teigen awkward face straight mouth
What an unfortunate week to air this episode, amirite?

 

Later, Bethenny meets with The Countess at a make-your-own-lipstick place, which is sorta like Build-a-Bear but for grownup ladies? This is a thing? Who knew this was a thing?

There, Bethenny tells The Countess that she saw Dorinda recently, and The Countess flatly pronounces in an interview that she essentially “has no relationship” with Dorinda after the Colombia incident. The Countess insists that she doesn’t hold a grudge against Dorinda, but Bethenny is like, “yeah, I don’t think Dorinda thinks she needs forgiveness for anything.” The Countess then complains some more about having a drunk Dorinda attacking her, before leaning on that old nugget that you hurt those you love the most, and that, unfortunately, Dorinda loves her “the wrong way.”

As for Bethenny and Princess Carole’s relationship, Bethenny compares it to “burnt marinara sauce” — it’s unfixable. “Once it’s burnt at the bottom, you taste it at the top.” As someone who grew up pretty much only eating marinara, I can confirm that this is a very good simile.

The Countess then shares her thoughts on Ramona’s remodel: “everything is white,” the kitchen countertops “look like a headstone,” it’s “freezing cold” with “no warmth, charm or character.” And then she busts out with “money can’t buy you class,” because don’t hold back, Lu! It’s not like you’re going to be at the reunion to defend any of this!

Elsewhere, Princess Carole meets Dorinda for lunch with the news that The Widow’s Guide to Sex and Dating has been optioned for a TV series. (By the way, here’s a New York Times interview with Princess Carole from four years ago when the book was published — and, fascinatingly, it captures the moment when Her Royal Highness meets that matchmaker Rori who made an appearance earlier this season.)

Dorinda asks Her Royal Princessness if she ever went out with Red Scarf again (speaking of Rori …), and Princess Carole reveals that Bethenny texted him recently, asking if he was going to be in Miami when she was. WHICH IS REALLY SOMETHING WHEN SHE WAS CALLING HIM A “CONSOLATION PRIZE” AND TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM BACK IN COLOMBIA, RIGHT? And it is starting to sound like Red Scarf is like a dog toy that two dogs don’t actually want to play with, but that neither dog wants the other dog to have.

Dorinda reveals that she saw Bethenny’s new apartment, and Princess Carole has a huff that she hadn’t been invited, maybe because of all the burnt marinara.

Later, Princess Carole has a party thrown in her honor by Cosmopolitan Magazine for writing a 500-word essay about running the marathon, a thing that definitely happens for all magazine freelancers. The theme of the party is “athletic chic” and everyone wears their fanciest tracksuits, except for Ramona because no.

The Earl of Red Onions shows up wearing a very dumb bicycle cap, puppy dog eyes, and bearing a giant trophy for Princess Carole, practically begging to get back together. Her Royal Highness seems unconvinced.

Also at the party: Dorinda in what appears to be a scuba suit, Tinsley doing some amazing Brittany Taylor cosplay:

brittany taylor daria dumb thinker.gif

… and Heather from however many seasons ago.

Not at the party: Bethenny, The Countess or Sonja.

rhom la bruja eyebrows drinking

Then there is a very boring interlude in which Bethenny takes Sonja to the factory where they are making Skinny Girl Jeans, which is clearly just some more free product placement and I refuse to discuss it further.

The Dorinda has lunch in Fudgie the Whale’s tiny office, for reasons that are completely baffling, and from what I can tell the entire scene is designed for the two of them to discuss The Countess’ upcoming cabaret premiere, and whether or not Fudgie the Whale will be invited.

And here’s one of those moments that your cynicism meter should be going off: from the previews for the next episode, we know, in fact, that Fudgie the Whale was not invited, but that Tinsley’s Scott — whom The Countess has only met once — was. Which, fine, whatever, The Countess is still mad at Dorinda and being a bitch. But I find this scene — one of, what, three that Fudgie the Whale has even been in all season? — where they pretty much only discuss 1. how long they’ve been together and 2. whether or not he’ll be invited to this thing in the next episode … suspect. Either they filmed this after The Countess’ cabaret so that when Fudgie was excluded, this particular story would carry a little more weight. Or the whole thing was orchestrated from the get-go by The Countess and Dorinda so the finale would have some sort of conflict. Or maybe the producers just got SUPER LUCKY and managed to film Dorinda and Fudgie the Whale having a weird lunch in a closet where they had this super-prescient discussion of events that would set into motion the big fight in the finale. I mean, I guess it’s possible.

Finally, Ramona hosts a party for her skincare line.

pee wee herman eyeroll

And Sonja decides to bring a bunch of shoes from her new shoe line to turn Ramona’s skin care party into Sonja Morgan’s shoe party under the very sound logic that the same women who would buy wrinkle cream from Ramona would buy loafers from Sonja. GOD BLESS SONJA MORGAN.

Sonja brings shoes for The Countess (“the largest size!” Sonja confirms with delight) and Ramona and Tinsley, but none for Dorinda or Princess Carole because MAYBE IF THEY WANTED FREE SHOES, BITCHES SHOULDN’T HAVE TALKED SHIT ABOUT HER FAMILY CREST.

Later, Ramona and Sonja have a chat about how well everyone is doing … with the exception of Bethenny, who according to Ramona, is either “angry or crying.” Sonja defends Bethenny by explaining there isn’t anger there, just profound sadness. But Ramona is not interested because she’s pissed at Bethenny for not being in attendance at this dumb promotional party. SHE SAYS SHE SUPPORTS WOMEN, SO WHERE IS SHE?

Elsewhere, The Countess, Princess Carole, and Dorinda talk about how The Countess’ rehearsals are going (“the beatboxer did such a good job!” is not a thing a white woman over 50 should say, ever), and Dorinda tells her how proud she is of The Countess. This leads to Dorinda apologizing again, and The Countess accepting the apology without offering one back because that is never. going. to. happen.

As for Tinsley, she’s come up with the perfect brand idea: Tinsley Travel: A Vacation So Amazing, You’ll Literally Shit Your Pants!

OK, that’s genius. That is actually genius. Sign me up.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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