‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: On behalf of all of America, lo siento, Colombia.

The Real Housewives of New York
“Wigging Out”
July 18, 2018

I have no idea how much time has passed between the previous episode and this one. A week? A month? Three years? All I know is that in the last five minutes of the last episode, Tinsley was announcing to an underwhelmed cast that she was taking them to Cartagena, and in the first five minutes of this episode, everyone is packing for their trip. And normally I wouldn’t think anything about how much time has passed between episodes, because WHO CARES, except that as part of her packing package, Ramona reveals that she twisted her ankle while being a drunk mess in Marrakech. As in Morrocco. When did she have time to go to AFRICA? So that’s why I’m kinda curious about exactly how much time has elapsed since we last saw these women when they were fighting over Red Scarf.

Speaking of Red Scarf, upon arriving in Colombia, the women split into two cabs, with Princess Carole, Tinsley, Ramona and Dorinda in one and Bethenny, The Countess, and Sonja in the other. There, Bethenny reads out loud some of the text messages Red Scarf had been bombarding her with since the speed dating event, trying, apparently desperately, to see her again. The Countess points out that he went out for drinks with Ramona following the speed dating event, but Bethenny reveals that what he claims happened: he and the hostess and some other people were leaving the event when Ramona lept into their Uber and joined them for a drink. So it wasn’t exactly a date. But whatever, who cares, Bethenny is not interested in Red Scarf, Ramona can have him.

In the other cab, Ramona, meaning to yell “VAMANOS,” instead orders the driver to “¡BOMBADIOS!” — which, if they spoke Portuguese in Colombia, might be alarming to the driver as Ramona was shrieking “¡BOMBS!” at him. But they don’t speak Portuguese in Colombia, they speak Spanish, and therefore this was just gibberish like most of Ramona’s utterances.

The women try to ask Tinsley about the history of Colombia, or a little bit about the economy, and the best this woman who claims to have been to this country “over ten times” can come up with is that they make “coffee, cocaine, and beer.” But that she doesn’t even know this for sure, as she is just basing this on movies she’s seen.

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The women arrive at their rental, Casa Mattos, which has a lovely website with absolutely no pricing information. There, they are greeted by staff and cocktails, before they get to the ugly business of choosing rooms.

can't wait to see how this turns out rupaul

But then Tinsley goes and ruins our good fun by pulling out a bunch of Tiffany boxes, explaining that she is going to resolve this room situation in a way that these women will understand: with bribes. The idea is each woman takes an unopened box and as they move through the house, each woman will leave her box in a room. They will then open the boxes, and whoever’s initial is on the charm that is on the necklace inside the box, that’s her room.

And this dumb — and expensive — plan … it works? Everyone is chill about what room they are assigned and there are no ridiculous fights or room swaps? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH RAMONA?

While we are on the subject of Ramona, after the staff bring up her suitcase, they immediately leave the room and she is forced to hang up her clothes all by herself.

Please keep her in your prayers.

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The women then go downstairs for lunch — or, rather, Ramona goes downstairs to the kitchen and starts screaming at the staff that SHE CAN NOT EAT BUTTER, and to sniff at the fish soup they are planning to serve the ladies. However, when they sit down to lunch, Ramona fails to give Bethenny a heads up that it is fish soup, despite knowing somewhere in the back of her hamster brain that Bethenny is allergic to fish. Bethenny just dives right into the soup without asking what is in it — which, to be fair to Ramona, is pretty foolhardy if she does have a particular allergy — and Bethenny immediately begins reacting to it, eventually having to retreat upstairs to vomit. Fun!

This does not endear Bethenny to the casa, and once she eventually reemerges, she bitches about the house to anyone who will listen, namely The Countess — whose feet Bethenny points out are filthy, and they are.

The women then begin the six-hour process of preparing for dinner, and Tinsley is suddenly Erika Jayne up in here with her glam squad attending to her. Apparently, Scott paid for her makeup and hair people to join her in Colombia, putting them up in a nearby hotel, and I’m starting to think I should have gone to cosmetology school to see the world.

Dorinda accessorizes with knee-high flat gladiator sandals; Ramona accessorizes with a wheelchair; and The Countess accessorizes with a Sofia Vergara wig. But none of these choices are as questionable as whatever the hell this fashion chimera is that Princess Carole is wearing:

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I have many questions, but the most pressing one is WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT GIANT GREEN FEATHER THING ON HER EAR WHEN IT IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHADE OF GREEN THAN THE GREEN ON HER UNDERTHINGS?

killing eve god i'm tired

Anyway, Ramona decides that maybe heels aren’t the best choice for someone who twisted her ankle to wear on cobblestone roads, even if she is going to be pushed around in a wheelchair all night, and she heads back upstairs in the elevator where she promptly gets stuck. There is much screaming, but no one hears her because they are too busy discussing whether or not Tinsley’s boobs are ugly, but, eventually the human spirit overcomes and she eventually escapes the elevator’s clutches five whole minutes later.

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The women head into town, Ramona being pushed inexpertly by Her Royal Fashion Disaster, while elsewhere, Bethenny and The Countess discuss The Countess’ legal future. (Hey! She just pled guilty to three reduced charges and faces a year’s probation, a fine, community service, and an apology note.)

They eventually arrive at the restaurant, where after toasting The Countess finally making it to South America, they begin talking about the speed dating night. Princess Carole reveals that she has since gone out to dinner with Red Scarf and had a lovely time. The other women tease Ramona that he was the one that she was interested in, but she shrugs it off, noting that she just appreciated him for his conversation.

The Countess asks Princess Carole if she is going to invite Red Scarf to her Cosmopolitan marathon party — apparently the magazine is throwing a party in celebration of the article she wrote about running the marathon and let me just tell you right now, “article parties” are not things that magazines ever throw, this is just some straight-up nonsense — and that’s when Bethenny declares that Red Scarf is “running game.”

Princess Carole tries to protest that whatever is between them isn’t that deep, but Bethenny continues to insist that this guy is clearly Tom the Cheater 2.0 to the irritation of Her Royal Highness. Princess Carole, convinced Bethenny is jealous, tells Bethenny that she is welcome to date Red Scarf, but that if he wanted to date Bethenny, he would have called Bethenny, not Princess Carole. So Bethenny fires back that Princess Carole is acting all smug like she won a prize, but that all she won was a consolation prize.

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As they leave the restaurant, for some reason Bethenny bitches to Dorinda about the condition of the casa, wondering where all the cocaine money is going before announcing that she will not be joining the rest of the women as she is tired and won’t be a good time. Which is fair! And a good choice!

The Countess and Sonja join Bethenny on her way back to the casa. Meanwhile, Dorinda IMMEDIATELY tattles on Bethenny to Tinsley, telling her how unhappy Bethenny is with the casa, and Tinsley’s like, “Whatever. Look, she can pull an Erika Jayne and go stay in a hotel for all I care.”

But then halfway back to the casa, The Countess and Sonja are able to convince Bethenny to stay out with them and to join the other women for cocktails. Tinsley, surprised to see them, tells Bethenny that she thought she hated it here and wanted to go home, and Bethenny is all, “GODDAMMIT, DORINDA, COULD YOU NOT BE SUCH A FUCKING BLABBER MOUTH ALL THE DAMN TIME?”

Dorinda protests that she keeps important things to herself, but that whether or not Bethenny liked the rental house didn’t seem particularly important to her. What is actually important: Bethenny and Princess Carole need to sort their shit. Soon after this, Princess Carole, Tinsley, Ramona and Dorinda announce they are leaving, and Bethenny is in hot angry tears over what a shitshow her relationship with Her Royal Highness has become.

The next morning, Bethenny makes a point to apologize to Tinsley and to let her know that she is actually very happy at the house and in Colombia, she’s just going through a lot of crap right now, what between her custody case and the fact that she is moving apartments and that Tinsley STOLE HER BEST FRIEND, and it’s just a lot, you know?

The women then have a glorious breakfast (“I can cross off eating an empanada on my bucket list!” — Sonja Bless Her Morgan), and for some reason, the delightful and GONE TOO SOON Drunk Rey comes up in conversation? Maybe The Countess was comparing him to Scott somehow? Which in itself is hilarious?

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GIVE REY HIS OWN SHOW, BRAVO.

And that’s when the funeral roses Scott sent to Tinsley in honor of their one-year anniversary arrive.

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The perfect way to say, “OUR LOVE IS DEAD.”

Princess Carole announces that Scott gave her a package to give to Tinsley when the flowers arrived: a Cartier bracelet. And even Bethenny is like, “HELL YES I’M JEALOUS. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO BE TINSLEY MOTHERFUCKING MORTIMER? ARE YOU SEEING THIS DUMB LIFE SHE LIVES?”

Later, as the women prepare to go shopping, Bethenny reveals to Dorinda that she’s under a lot of stress because the restraining order she has against her ex-husband is set to expire soon. SO SHE REALLY DOESN’T NEED DORINDA TO BE TALKING ABOUT HER AND GOSSIPING ABOUT HER THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Dorinda, finally appreciating how stressed out Bethenny is, assures her that she hears her and that she is sorry if she made matters worse. Bethenny then adds that it’s really difficult to be on this trip with Princess Carole, who, on cue, walks into the scene. This sends Bethenny into a complete panic attack. Sobbing and hyperventilating, Bethenny flees into the kitchen, startling one poor unsuspecting cook while Dorinda yells at her to BREATHE.

Meanwhile, The Countess stomps around, demanding to know whether they are going to go shopping, OR WHAT?

Cut to the “TO BE CONTINUED” graphic and OMG WE HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND OUT IF THEY GO SHOPPING?

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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