The Real Housewives of New York
“Dating Wishes and Cabaret Dreams”
July 11, 2018
We begin the episode with The Countess working on her cabaret act with her musical director and some other guy, and they reveal that to relieve The Countess of some of the pressure of performing the show by herself she will bring in guest performers — starting with Sonja.
Sonja swings by to “rehearse,” and they explain how they will bring her into the show: In between songs, The Countess will begin telling some story about herself and her girlfriends and Sonja will call out, “THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED AT ALL,” before storming the stage and “doing her thing.”
The problem is this is Sonja’s “thing”:
Sonja explains to the musical directors that she doesn’t do cabaret, she does “cabulesque” and The Countess warns her that she will be expected to not only keep her clothes on, but to also wear underwear. This cabaret will be, in The Countess’ elegant phrasing, a “snatch-free zone.”
LOL, OK, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, COUNTESS.
And then The Countess and Sonja practice a “gangsta rap” version of “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”
I hereby declare the white race officially canceled.
Later, Dorinda, who has connections at some dressmaker called Jovani, takes The Countess to the shop to try on some gowns to borrow for her cabaret performances. And sit down, because I’m going to compliment The Countess: she looks stunning in the dresses she tries on — all of them.
They also briefly talk about the status of The Countess’ court case, which apparently has been delayed for some reason, but she holds out hope that the judge will be lenient with her on account of being boozed up when she made those death threats to the cops. We’ll see!
Sometime later, Princess Carole meets The Countess for coffee after The Countess’ AA meeting. It is super boring.
Dorinda also meets The Countess after one of her meetings and takes her to her church where Dorinda lights a candle for The Countess and prays for her to have strength during her recovery. It is also boring, but I’d be lying if I didn’t also find it very kind on Dorinda’s part. Personally, I’m not a religious person — I do not want someone lighting candles or praying for me, thanks — but it obviously means a lot to The Countess at a difficult time for her, and it is very sweet.
Also, Dorinda discourages The Countess from throwing away whatever booze she still has in her apartment, insisting that she send it her way instead. Don’t do this, The Countess. This is a terrible idea, The Countess.
In other storylines, Tinsley visits Her Royal Sereness, where they chat about how the Duke of Asparagus is trying to woo Princess Carole back by sending her dozens and dozens of tulips and then breaking into her apartment at night? Is that what that story was? That the Viscount of Mushrooms was lurking around her building at 10 p.m., saw some guy named Tripp who “co-parents” Her Polishness’ dog — AND STICK A PIN IN THAT, BECAUSE I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT “DOG CO-PARENTING” — outside with Baby, and brought Baby back into the apartment for him, startling Princess Carole? Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, that’s not cool.
As for Tinsley’s relationship, she and Scott are moving into the penthouse of her hotel together, which seems like a reasonable and economical way to solve that particular problem. While Tinsley and Princess Carole discuss this turn of events in Tinsley’s love life, a package is delivered to Her Singleness: an elaborate beflowered invitation to a night of speed dating that Princess Carole’s friend is hosting. Her Highness thinks this will be a fun thing to invite the other women to join because the problem this cast has is that they haven’t dated enough of the same men.
Later, Tinsley packs her tiny hotel room with the help of some friend of hers, because Scott couldn’t be fucked. Watching Tinsley and Stranger packing is exactly as exciting as watching anyone pack is, but we do learn that the penthouse that she will be moving into costs $30,000 A MONTH. I know the New York real estate market is a beast, but that is an expensive way to trial-run shacking up, you guys, especially when one partner in the relationship has no job.
Speaking of jobs, Sonja stops by Bethenny’s apartment and shows Bethenny her new online dating profile on which she lists as her occupations: toaster oven chef, special appearance personality, special event coordinator, international fashion lifestyle brand, model, actress, designer, movie producer, Nigerian football team manager, professional wife, drunk, townhome owner, dog funeral coordinator, caburlesque performer, LGBTQ ally, rehabilitator of party girls’ reputations, drink stirrer, cougar.
Ramona works out with some boring friend of hers.
Finally, the speed dating event. Princess Carole arrives first and chats with Rori, her friend and the host. Rori points out the man she wants to set Her Lonlieness up with: we’ll call him Red Scarf, because everyone else does.
However, before Princess Carole can chat with Red Scarf, Ramona arrives, briefly says hello to Rori whom she also happens to know, before swooping down on Red Scarf and sinking her talons into him.
Dorinda, The Countess and Sonja arrive soon after, and it is immediately clear that The Countess would rather be back in prison rather than talking to these strangers. And who can blame her when you remember that SHE IS DOING THIS BULLSHIT SOBER. All of the no fucking thank yous.
Bethenny finally arrives, and hey, guess what, funny story, she went out on a few dates with Red Scarf, who tells her he came to the event because he knew she would be there.
So, the actual speed dating — in which each lady is given three minutes to talk to each man — begins and Ramona starts with Red Scarf and does her whole Ramona thing: batting her eyelashes, giggling at things that aren’t funny, licking her lips, humping his leg … it’s a lot.
After the three minutes are up, Red Scarf moves on to Bethenny despite Ramona’s best efforts to pin him to his seat. Once with Bethenny, Red Scarf again says that the only reason he came to the event was that he wanted to see her again, which in an interview, Bethenny says is flattering, but that he’s not really her type. What with the full head of hair and everything. Meanwhile, Ramona goes to the bar, orders Red Scarf a tequila and interrupts his conversation with Bethenny to deliver it to him, which Bethenny mocks thusly:
As for the other women:
Princess Carole dismisses one man after he reveals that he has three kids because she’s parentist.
The Countess sighs heavily through a series of unpleasant conversations, including one in which a man asks her what she did over the holidays.
And after Sonja unwisely gets into a conversation about spanking with some stranger, he threatens her with a cat-o-nine-tails. AGAIN, THIS ALL HAPPENED IN A THREE-MINUTE LONG CONVERSATION.
When the speed dating is over and done with, Tinsley announces that she has planned their next vacation: she has a house in Cartageña, Colombia for the weekend, ¡hurra!
The women’s reaction:
But Tinsley insists that Cartageña is not dangerous or scary and no she’s not a cocaine smuggler and yes, Cartageña is actually a very lovely city with amazing restaurants and a European vibe and JESUS CHRIST, GET OVER YOURSELVES AND YOUR DUMB PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS ALREADY AND PACK A BAG.
These women don’t deserve Colombia. Honestly, they should never be allowed off the island of Manhattan.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.