‘The Bachelorette’: Conch blocked

The Bachelorette
July 9, 2018

Well, kids, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is we are officially done with the blatantly horrible men on this show now that Becca has cast aside Mr. Entitled, Sex Offender and Zoolander. The bad news is we are officially in the long, boring, “no one is interesting, all of these dates are the same, please make it stop” slog to the finale.

As we head to the Bahamas, Becca is down to the six least offensive, most indistinguishable men, save for Harry Potter and Khal Drogo. But SPOILER ALERT: She’ll be done with them soon enough, too, because ethnic. LISTEN: I AM NOT SAYING BECCA IS A RACIST. I don’t know what’s in her heart. All I know is that we are getting perilously close to the hometowns and until Rachel — our first black Bachelorette — no black Bachelorette contestant had ever made it to hometowns, or even made it past week five on this show. Tick tock, boys. I wouldn’t unpack those suitcases, friends.

So they are in the Bahamas at some resort that receives plenty of product placement and prime advertising spots during the broadcast so I don’t feel the need to mention it here. By the by: according to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, the state of Virginia paid The Bachelorette $536,000 to film last week’s episode in Richmond and they actually believe they received $47 million in publicity value.

Anyway, the point is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are huge scams whose sole purpose is to find someone else to pay for the producers’ luxury vacations.

Becca arrives in the manherd’s hotel room where she informs them there will not be a rose ceremony this week, but instead, four dates: three 1-on-1s and one group date. And with that, she collects Indianapolis Colt for the first 1-on-1 to Cowboy’s immense displeasure. THIS IS A SLAP IN THE FACE. SHE KNOWS HE’S BEEN WAITING FOR ANOTHER 1-ON-1. SHE HAS TO KNOW HOW IT WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL TO NOT RECEIVE THE 1-ON-1. HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO HIM. HOW COULD SHE PICK INDIANAPOLIS COLT OVER HIM.

Dude, there are two more 1-on-1s.

As for the other men, they are also surprised Indianapolis Colt received the first 1-on-1, because I suppose because they haven’t notice Becca basically humping his leg every time she is with him? The group then wonders if Indianapolis Colt will reveal on his date that he has a “big secret” — that he’s a virgin.

Cut to Becca yammering about what a “bronzed god” Indianapolis Colt is and how he could “pick [her] up and do whatever he wanted.” Oh baby girl, he’d have to know what to do first.

Becca and Indianapolis Colt enjoy the obligatory and boring-as-hell boat date that is only enlivened when their boat is boarded by a Bahamian who insists they go diving for some conch and eat the pistol, famously known as “Bahamian Viagra” — a fact I first learned on Live with Kelly and Ryan, that known purveyor of smut. Anyway, Becca and Indianapolis Colt dive for conch and eat the pistol, which, of course, will ultimately be an exercise in futility and frustration — at least for Becca.

Ahead of their dinner, Becca burbles that Indianapolis Colt would have to drop quite the “bomb” on her to make her decide to not give him the rose, so let’s test that theory, shall we?

At dinner, the two make the blandest small talk before Indianapolis Colt is like, “so, like I was saying, I haven’t dated much and also too sports and what I’m saying is that I am a 26-year-old virgin.” Becca is all, “COOL COOL COOL. VERY COOL. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO TAKE A WALK OVER THERE AND SEE IF I CAN FIND SOME SORT OF ESCAPE HATCH OR MAYBE TRY TO SIGNAL A HELICOPTER TO COME RESCUE ME, OKAY BYE.”

But Becca eventually returns to the table and notes that she can see how difficult it was for him to have to open up about something so personal. That said, she has some questions. Didn’t he have a girlfriend? Didn’t he say he had been in a serious relationship with someone for, like, a year? Didn’t he tell her that he had been in love with this person? So … what … how … WHAT?

Indianapolis Colt claims that football got in the way of … everything, apparently, and now he’s been a virgin for so long that he wants to make sure once he does have sex, it’s with the right person. He’s not waiting for marriage or anything, but he does want it to be a gift to a special person.

Becca who is all, “Oh, good, so this isn’t some weird religious thing where your mother took you to a mother-son dance and gave you a purity ring and made you swear to not have sex until your wedding night — LOL, JK, that only happens with fathers and daughters even though it’s NO LESS WEIRD — but anyway, here’s the date rose, I need to meet the people who made you terrified of physical intimacy.”

Back at the hotel, the next date card is delivered: “Chris Farley: Love is in the air. Becca.”


The next day, Becca and Chris Farley take a seaplane to some private islands where they splash around and play on a rope swing and make out in a choke hold for some unfathomable reason.


But it’s not all uncomfortable backwards kissing: they also make conversation, mostly about how Chris Farley isn’t bothered by watching her date other people, and how he never seems to be “down and discouraged,” a phrase that is repeated about 15 times in this one two-minute exchange. He assures her that he is serious about this, that “[he’s] not perfect, [she’s] not perfect, the world’s not perfect, but they can be perfect together.” Especially if she’s into Pepe the Frog memes.

That night at dinner, after discussing who she’ll meet if she goes to his hometown (his parents, his brother, and sister, grandma), Chris Farley notes that the last woman he brought home was his ex-wife. “About that,” Becca wonders, “you said you fell in love with her because she was ‘adventurous,’ but what else made him want to commit his future to her?” Chris Farley makes some vague noises about how he wanted children and was excited to be a family man, but in the end, the ex-wife was just too much of a screamy harpy, always mad at him about something. Like, not ever picking up his laundry or not flushing the toilet or not coming home for three days straight and not calling to let her know he was alive. Just a real nag. ANYWAY, Chris Farley sees some real wifey qualities in Becca and is beginning to fall in love with her.

And with those magic words, the rose is unlocked and Chris Farley levels up to The Dreaded Hometown Date.

Meanwhile, the final 1-on-1 date card arrives: “Cowboy: You make my heart skip a beat. Becca.” On the one hand, I kinda hate that this stupid baby received the 1-on-1, his tantrums should not be rewarded, but on the other hand, there was not an insignificant chance that had he been relegated to the group date, he might have burned down the hotel.

And then for the SECOND TIME THIS SEASON, President Asshole interrupts The Bachelorette with some bullshit “news” he is breaking: this time announcing his SCOTUS pick. Look, I’m not saying that this isn’t legitimate news and incredibly important to the future of our country, I’m just saying the Narcissist-in-Chief could have made this announcement at any time yesterday. But instead, he deliberately crafted this entire reveal to play out like one of his shitty game shows and he needed it to be in primetime for the spectacle (and “ratings”) of it all. So to everyone who is mocking Bachelorette fans for being angry that this interrupted the show last night: get stuffed. Those fans are no more stupid or shallow than your President.

When we return from the President’s circus, the Baha Men are performing “Who Let the Dogs Out” on a beach because we are living in the very dumbest times, y’all. It turns out The Bachelor producers can occasionally find a musical act you’ve heard of, although it’s not like the Baha Men have a whole lot going on other than waiting around for Disney/ABC productions to arrive in the Bahamas and put them on their shows:

We are told that the Baha Men are having a “huge beach party” to celebrate their “new music” and no part of that sentence is true.

This happens:

But seriously, are we sure it’s not Cowboy who is actually this season’s virgin? Based on those moves, I’d have some questions if I were Becca.

Later, Becca and Cowboy talk about his insecurities and how having to wait for TWO WHOLE DAYS for a 1-on-1 date got into his head. Becca sympathizes with him, explaining that she’s been there, but now on the other side of this whole thing, she finds herself understanding NeedleDick a little bit better, and how one can have strong feelings for multiple people.

That evening, Cowboy tells Becca about his parents’ divorce, how his mother had an affair with his basketball coach and English teacher when he was in high school, and how everyone in his small town knew about it — many before he did.

Calling it now: mommy issues. Mommy issues up the fucking wazoo.

But then Cowboy tells her that he’s in love with her, and those being the magic words, Becca offers him the date rose.

In a little monologue afterward, Becca reveals that she is on the same page with Cowboy, and wants to tell him that she is in love with him, and she can 100% see him as her husband, and she can see “forever” with him.

This guy. She can see forever with this guy:

The heart wants what it wants, I suppose.

At the hotel, the final date card arrives: “Harry Potter, New Favorite, Khal Drogo: These days are never easy. Becca.” WOW, SOUNDS FUN.

The next day, Becca meets the men on some beach where they play volleyball. It’s so boring.

Becca chats with Harry Potter about his parents who are about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Mazel! But also:

Becca then talks with New Favorite who yammers about how while it’s not easy to see her with other dudes, he tries to focus on their relationship which he insists is worth fighting for despite a complete lack of evidence.

And finally, Becca visits with Khal Drogo, who acknowledges that he’s not like the rest of the men, but that he can offer her “love.” He then completely undermines that sentiment by telling her that unlike some of his competition, he’s not ready to propose yet. “Great! That’s all I needed to hear! Thanks for playing! It’s been fun! See you at the ‘Men Tell All’ special! Bye!”

And with that, the sweet and doomed Khal Drogo is sent home. You weren’t what I expected Khal Drogo! You were too good for this show, Khal Drogo! Please do not go to Paradise, Khal Drogo!

That evening, Becca and the two survivors go to “dinner.” There, Becca has completely banal private conversations with each man, first with New Favorite. Becca expresses some reservations that he isn’t being very vocal about his feelings and he’s all, “I will express them when I’m ready.”

Then when she talks to Harry Potter, he’s all “I AM OFFICIALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU.”

Now, applying the rule she used earlier in the day with Khal Drogo, the rule that says to move forward in this game one has to be willing to profess one’s love, or at the very least talk in broadish terms about one’s feelings, guess which of these two men she sent home?

That’s right: Harry Potter.

And we all know why.

Goodbye, Harry Potter! Like Khal Drogo, you were too good, too interesting, too sincere for this show! Don’t go to Paradise, Harry Potter! Hold out for The Bachelor, Harry Potter! You’re too good for Paradise, Harry Potter!

it's over go home ferris bueller


Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:


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Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:


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The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

One thought on “‘The Bachelorette’: Conch blocked

  1. I was hoping you would be able to explain how being in the NFL is somehow a HINDRANCE to getting laid. And, least we forget, he dated Tia for a hot second, and I’m going to go ahead and declare her a non-virgin. So… WTF?

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