‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: All I Want for Christmas are no Felonies

The Real Housewives of New York
“Holidazed and Confused”
May 31, 2018

We begin where we left off: with Bethenny and Princess Carole talking over one another about the root cause of the collapse of their friendship. Bethenny suggests that maybe it was because they were so busy with other things over the summer: she was busy saving the world, while Princess Carole was taking vacations with Tinsley … Princess Carole tries to correct her, she was in Los Angeles helping a friend whose husband passed away, and Bethenny is all, “whatever.”

The two then return to the issue of the Duke of Ricotta: Princess Carole INSISTS that she and Bethenny never talked about his decision to not go to Houston and Puerto Rico, but Bethenny INSISTS that she called her about it and that it was in this conversation where she called him an “operator.”

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE EARL OF SHALLOTS,” declares The Countess. Bethenny and Princess Carole are not here for that.

Bethenny and Princess Carole continue to bicker about Bethenny calling the Count of Kale an “operator” — why would Bethenny just call Princess Carole out of the blue to talk shit about her boyfriend without any context (which is a fair point) — only to have The Countess chime in AGAIN that the Duke of Cilantro dated her niece for SIX MONTHS and the only reason Princess Carole even met him was because HE WAS DATING HER NIECE.

Princess Carole explains that she was busy with the marathon, which Bethenny never asked her about, before announcing — apropos of nothing — that Bethenny called The Countess a loser.

“A LOSER? A LOSER? IF I’M A LOSER THEN THE REST OF THE WORLD IS FUCKED!” The Countess rages.

So now Bethenny is pissed at Princess Carole for bringing that up — which Bethenny can’t even remember if she did say it — BUT WHY WOULD PRINCESS CAROLE EVEN SAY THAT RIGHT NOW?

And everyone else is SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Dorinda and Ramona, who started this shitshow in the first place, demand that they “MAKE IT OKAY” and admit that they love one another. But instead of doing that, Bethenny tells The Countess that she honestly doesn’t know if she called her a loser. The Countess snaps that she doesn’t care what Bethenny thinks of her, only to immediately take it back: she absolutely does care what Bethenny thinks about her, absolutely. Bethenny then admits that she’s probably said something negative about every person in the room, she’s not perfect, but Princess Carole telling the group that Bethenny called The Countess a loser? That’s different, that’s seismic, that’s something RAMONA would do.

In an attempt to change the mood of the party, Dorinda changes into pajamas before thrusting her face into her birthday cake — which was lit up with birthday candles. And it’s cute and funny and unexpected but also, girl, I say this as someone who enjoys her box wine, but maybe it’s time to slow it down just a little.

The party then dissolves into this …

and, upstairs, Dorinda wrestles a naked Bethenny for her elf pajamas. There are a lot of boobs flapping around. And all of this behavior is clearly in violation of Dorinda’s House Rule #6.

Later, Bethenny finds Princess Carole whining to Dorinda about her fight with Bethenny, and excuses Dorinda so that they can have round two. Again, they disagree on whether or not the two of them actually spoke with each other about the Marquis of Plums, but then Bethenny accuses Princess Carole of being “more into youth and selfies,” before crying about how difficult it was to single-handedly save the world. They agree that somehow this whole fight got turned up to a 10 before agreeing to let it go for now. Princess Carole tries to make nice by asking if there is another pair of Christmas pajamas that she can put on, but Bethenny regrets to inform her that the only other pair of Christmas pajamas is currently riding up Dorinda’s vagina.

And somehow, all these women manage to survive the night without trashing any of their bedrooms or having to have their stomachs pumped. Mazel tov.

Once back in Manhattan, it’s Bethenny’s turn to host her white elephant party. By the time it’s over, half of her guests will be furious with her for one of many sins:

Ramona: When Ramona opens her gift and discovers it is a selection of some sort of anti-aging creams, she tries unsuccessfully to cover her disappointment by announcing that they will be great research for the skincare line she’s currently working on. The second time Ramona brings up her skincare line, Bethenny tells her to cut it out with the infommercial bullshit. Which, fair, if very hypocritical from the woman yelling about her Skinny Girl jeans every five minutes.

Dorinda: The life-sized FAO Schwartz nutcracker that Bethenny asked Dorinda to help her find is delivered as a surprise in the middle of the party, to Bethenny’s obvious delight and excitement. However, she fails to thank Dorinda or give enough credit to Dorinda for Dorinda’s liking, even though she nearly burst into tears and literally tells Dorinda, “You saved Christmas.” But OK.

The Countess: The Countess announces that she will be spending Christmas in Jupiter, Florida with her brother this year, and everyone is like, “Ummm … but isn’t Tom the Cheater going to be in West Palm Beach at the same time?” But The Countess poo-poos their concerns, and Bethenny is all, “Even though he has that new girlfriend?”

Ramona to Bethenny:

nathan fillion zip it shut up stop talking

Princess Carole: To be fair to Bethenny, she waits until Princess Carole has left the party to speculate to Ramona, Sonja and Tinsley that Her Royal Highness seems “sad” and “tired” since her breakup with The Lord of Bell Peppers.

And as far as I can tell, Bethenny doesn’t do anything to anger Tinsley or Sonja. But on that front, Sonja announces she’s having some work done at Grey Gardens, so she’ll be moving in with Tinsley for a couple of days, and Tinsley is all, “Yeah, sure, whatever. I mean, you have plenty of friends who have apartments with multiple bedrooms — Hell, you have friends with multiple residences — but sure, move in with me to my one bedroom hotel room. What could go wrong?”

Later, The Countess, wanting some of that do-gooder buzz that Bethenny seems to be so high on these days, hosts a Red Cross blood donation that all of the other women attend, except for Bethenny who had a previous thing with her daughter. She does send over a donation of some of those cash cards, however, so that’s something.

And it is a lot more than what the other women give which is none of their blood since they had all been in Mexico in the past year. So basically, their entire contribution to this cause is to stand around in spangled dresses while eating the food the Red Cross brought for the actual volunteers. Cool.

When Princess Carole arrives, Sonja asks her how she’s really feeling, since the other women seem to think she’s deeply depressed. Her Royal Highness is baffled by this and asks Ramona about it when she arrives, and Ramona is more than happy to confirm that Bethenny said Princess Carole was “sad” and “lonely.”

Princess Carole reminds Ramona that Bethenny dragged her about her “infomercial,” and Dorinda is like, “YEAH AND REMEMBER HOW SHE DIDN’T THANK ME FOR THE NUTCRACKER?”

sharpen knives .gif
LOOK OUT, BETHENNY.

Sometime later, Ramona is out walking her dog when Bethenny calls her to yell at her for making trouble in her relationship with Princess Carole — according to one of Bethenny’s interviews, Sonja told her Ramona was badmouthing her to Her Royal Highness at the blood drive, which is especially delicious SINCE SONJA WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD PRINCESS CAROLE ABOUT THE “SAD” COMMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE. These women, oy.

Anyway, Ramona becomes angry with Bethenny, especially when Bethenny tries to accuse her of not supporting other women. “YOU’RE ONE TO TALK, LADY,” Ramona fires back (but not literally) “SINCE YOU TALKED SHIT ABOUT MY SKINCARE LINE AND WERE NOT APPRECIATIVE ENOUGH TO DORINDA AND TALKED BEHIND PRINCESS CAROLE’S BACK. YOU TRY TO PUT OTHER PEOPLE DOWN TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD AND I AM HANGING UP ON YOU NOW.” /end scene

Finally, we visit The Countess in her new rental apartment on the Upper West Side which is lovely and bright and just the right size. Everything is coming up Luanne!

Cut to: police car footage of a drunken and handcuffed The Countess being put into the back of a cruiser, all the while The Countess yelling at the cops to not touch her and declaring that she will “kill” them. She then slips out of the cuffs and runs for it, only to be recaptured and shoved back into the car and instructed to LEAVE HER FEET IN THE VEHICLE.

Later she is charged three felonies and one misdemeanor: battery of law enforcement, disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest with violence, and corruption with threat, and the judge is like, “GURRRRRL, YOU NEED TO PULL YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.”

look-at-your-life-look-at-your-choices2

It is glorious.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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