The Real Housewives of New York
“A Frittered Friendship”
May 23, 2018
Buckle up, buttercups:, it’s the part of the season where we celebrate Dorinda’s birthday in the Berkshires by having Bethenny losing her shit on someone.
It’s always a good time.
The first two guests to arrive at Dorinda’s country home are Ramona and Her Royal Caroleness, the pair arriving the night before everyone else is set to come for some reason. It would be cynical of me to say it was so that Ramona and Dorinda, the two resident shit stirrers on this show, could stir some shit and get Princess Radzi all wound up before Bethenny’s arrival, so I won’t.
But I will note just as a statement of fact that the three women go out to dinner together, and Ramona and Dorinda immediately begin asking Princess Sereness what is going on in her relationship with Bethenny, that it seems like they aren’t getting along. Her Highness agrees that something is wrong, but she insists she doesn’t know what it could be, maybe Bethenny doesn’t feel she supported her charity enough? Her Marathoness points out that she originally ran the marathon to raise money for the North Shore Animal League, but then made a matching contribution to Bethenny’s Be Strong organization, so it would be weird if that is why Bethenny is mad?
Dorinda, being all Dorinda, is like, “Weellllllll … Bethenny also happened to mention that she invited the Duke of Eggplant to come to Houston and Puerto Rico as the resident photographer, and was disappointed that he didn’t want to volunteer his time and work.” Princess Adam’s Ex claims that this is the first she has heard that Bethenny is upset with her about this and becomes increasingly pissed off that Bethenny would hold a grudge against her because her 30-year-old ex-boyfriend didn’t think he could afford to do Bethenny a pretty huge favor.
And now I’m confused because I could have sworn that in the previous episode in an interview, Bethenny talked about how she said something to Princess Poland about the Viscount of Cucumbers being “an operator” and immediately regretting it? So did they talk about this or not?
As Her Pissedoffness becomes more pissed off, Dorinda and Ramona encourage her, insisting that she’s “finding her voice” and THEY LIKE IT, because obviously.
Back in Manhattan, Sonja’s sassy facialist shows up at the house and admonishes Sonja for giving her dogs, Rouge and Kitty, away to strangers, which, what the fuck, Sonja? You — the woman who insisted we get dressed up and attend a formal dog funeral — just handed over two dogs to random people? And you’re just essentially admitting that you’d give away the last dog, Marley, except she belongs to your daughter? NO MORE DOGS FOR YOU. AND SONJA JR.? YOU NEED TO COME COLLECT MARLEY BEFORE YOUR MOM GIVES HER TO SOME RANDOM PLUMBER OR KITCHEN PHOTOGRAPHER.
Sonja and Sonja’s facialist also engage in a very detailed conversation about the etiquette of sleeping with two men at the same time, a practice Sonja insists she does not engage in because “the sperm are allergic to each other.”
The next morning, Bethenny — who acknowledges that she puts the “B” in Berzerkshires, but adds that she’s in such a great mood, nothing can set her off this year …
— arrives at Dorinda’s wearing a Christmas sweater featuring three snowmen and the expression “Hanging with my Snowmies,” which she clearly thinks is the height of hilarity. Because “snowmies” = “homies.” GET IT?
Anyway, when she arrives, the first thing Bethenny does is ask Dorinda if she gets her sweater, which she does because it’s just not that complicated. She also pesters Dorinda about helping her find an out-of-stock life-sized nutcracker from FAO Schwartz for her daughter because if anyone knows how to get her hands on a Christmas decoration, it is Dorinda Mrs. Claus Medley.
Upstairs, Bethenny unpacks her things and gives Princess Carole a Christmas gift: a sweater that reads “All I Want for Christmas is a New President.”
(Also, I suppose I should note that Ramona and Princess Carole gave Dorinda a Trump Chia Head for her birthday, but I’d rather have the sweater, please and thank you.)
Bethenny then presents Ramona with the “what does my sweater mean” challenge, and Ramona, bless her 80-year-old heart, guesses, “something to do with vaginas? Three vaginas?”
The Countess, Tinsley, and Sonja finally arrive and if you were wondering, yes, Bethenny quizzes them, too BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T TALK ABOUT THIS HALF-ASSED PUN NEARLY ENOUGH.
And now that everyone has arrived, Dorinda pours them some wine and goes over ground rules because if the last three times we’ve done this have taught us anything it’s that these women need boundaries.
- Len is Dorinda’s employee, no one else’s.
- If you need toilet paper, you know where the mudroom is.
- Same thing with that glass of wine you “need”: pour it your damn self.
- Hands off Dorinda’s shit.
- Respect the house and don’t be tearing crap off the walls. RAMONA.
- This is not Girls Gone Wild or the Playboy Mansion. Behave accordingly.
On that note, The Countess and Sonja are shown to the room they are sharing, The Fish Room, and The Countess immediately begins decorating the decorations, while Sonja, having learned her lesson, begins photographing the entire room like it was a rental Kia.
So then we have this murder mystery dinner that takes up the bulk of the episode. And I wanted it to be a fun thing to recap, but the truth is it’s its own whole narrative that has nothing to do with the interpersonal dynamics of these women and as a result, it’s just a bunch of boring filler.
Three actors show up to the house: “Mr. Featherby,” “Mr. Featherby’s assistant” and “Mr. Featherby’s butler.” As the women drink wine in their 1920s costumes and try to figure out what they are supposed to be doing, “Mr. Featherby’s assistant” dramatically collapses and “dies.” “Mr. Featherby” then leads everyone to the dining room where, after taking a sip of his wine, he dramatically collapses and “dies.” “Mr. Featherby’s butler” then reveals that actually he’s a Berzerkshire’s cop, and tasks the women of solving the murders. As soon as he does so, Dorinda is like, “I did it, I’m the murderer, this is boring and I want to eat.” And sure enough, her character is the murderer? Whose motive was something? Oh, who cares though.
That bit of nonsense out of the way, the women dig into dinner and Ramona begins whining again about how that one time they went to the Berkshires and stayed at Heather’s house, it didn’t have air conditioning. And if that isn’t bad enough, she forgets Heather’s name while bitching about Heather. SHE WAS ON THE SHOW WITH RAMONA FOR THREE SEASONS. Y’all. Y’ALL. I genuinely don’t know if Ramona is being shady here or if grandma needs to take her Prevagen.
When Princess Carole calls Ramona out for not remembering Heather’s name, Ramona shrugs that she’s bad with names, and Bethenny is like, “among other things,” noting that contrary to what Ramona said, she never called Princess Carole a “puppet.”
Dorinda then asks Princess Carole and Bethenny if there is any tension between them, and while Bethenny insists she’s not “tense,” Her Royal Highness does admit that there has been a “shift” in their relationship.
Dorinda demands that they work it out right then and there as if it is anyone else’s business. But the two women oblige and move across the table from one another where Princess Carole explains that she heard last night that Bethenny was upset with her because the Duke of Bananas didn’t work for her for free or maybe it had something to do with Bethenny thinking Princess Carole didn’t support her charity enough?
Her Royalness adds that a couple of months earlier, Page Six contacted her about a story about the two of them feuding over Bethenny’s charity, and she shot it down as being absolutely not true … but now she’s hearing from Dorinda and others that it might be true?
Bethenny and Princess Carole bicker over whether or not Bethenny told Princess Carole that she had called or emailed the Duke of Romaine, and what day it was that Bethenny wanted him to join her, Her Highness becoming more and more irritated with Bethenny for focusing on the minutia of the story instead of just telling her why she’s mad. It’s difficult to follow what they are even arguing about, which is kinda Princess Carole’s entire point — she’s just trying to get to the bottom of why Bethenny is mad at her and instead Bethenny is fact-checking her on the details of the story. Princess Carole adds that she loves Bethenny, but at the moment it doesn’t feel like Bethenny feels that way about her just as we cut to a “TO BE CONTINUED.”
WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY HAD WE NOT SPENT TWENTY MINUTES STANDING AROUND EATING FRITTERS WITH MR. FEATHERBY BUT WHATEVER.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.