‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Rattlesnake handling

The Real Housewives of New York
“Tea for Tat”
May 2, 2018

We begin this episode with Ramona shopping for a coffee maker for her daughter who is now out of college and an Important Business Lady doing Important Lady Business at an Important Business Firm. Ramona also decides to use this trip to Su La Table to get a discount on said coffee maker call Dorinda and invite her to a shopping party she’s “hosting” at Henri Bendel, a party that she’s inviting all the women to, including Sonja because you know, why not. What’s the worst that could happen?

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Speaking of Ms. Morgan, she is Bethenny’s first visitor to her new apartment to freak out over the large unfinished spaces that will eventually become Bethenny’s closet and bathroom and talk about how they are “every girl’s wet dream,” and that “even Ivana would love” this space.

Sonja then whines at Bethenny about how the other women treated her in the Hamptons, specifically, Ramona who had NO FEELINGS FOR SONJA AT ALL, and who Sonja is pretty certain is a “sociopath…”

… because even “prison bitches have that one person they are loyal to.”

After Bethenny gets some clarity on Sonja’s “prison bitches” comments — someone watches too much Orange is the New Black, or, possibly, lesbian prison porn, honestly, it could be either or both — Bethenny tells Sonja that she needs to edit the things she says. For example: OK: Being irritated that after offering her townhome to Tinsley for free (when Tinsley could clearly afford to pay for an apartment or a hotel room), Tinsley repaid her hospitality by talking shit about Sonja. NOT OK: Accusing Tinsley of being a kept woman in retaliation for suggesting that living with Sonja wasn’t exactly a picnic.

Sonja pouts that she’s going to return Tinsley’s gift card, but Bethenny points out that she’s returned all of her engagement rings to her ex-husbands and received zero points for doing so. Sonja might as well keep it and buy something nice for herself — AS IF SHE ALREADY HASN’T BOUGHT HERSELF $5,000 WORTH OF PANTIES BUT OK.

Elsewhere, Tinsley and Princess Bodystocking go clothes shopping, presumably for more tattooed fripperies, and Tinsley yammers about how she is going to Chicago that weekend to visit Scott because she’s desperate to be “girlfriend and boyfriend” again. Tinsley also teases Her Royal Sereness about her relationship with the Viscount of Coleslaw, insisting that there is still a definitely a “boyfriend-girlfriend” vibe between them. I’ve known eighth graders who talked less about girlfriends and boyfriends than Tinsley who is AN ADULT WOMAN IN HER FORTIES.

Princess Forever Single insists that she and the Duke of Mayonnaise are still in each other’s lives and that they have an understanding that they aren’t going to see other people — but also, not like, be all up in each other’s faces. Princess Kennedy Adjacent then has to look up the definition of “friends with benefits” because she is old. (And the definition which claims that a friends with benefits relationship is one in which two friends begin having sex until one ends up getting heartbroken because the other doesn’t want to become more emotionally invested is … not right.)

Apparently, Bethenny is selling jeans now?

Elsewhere, The Countess brings Dorinda along to look at an apartment over on Riverside Drive but decides that it is too expensive much space.

Hey — quick question: what does The Countess do all day? The internet claims she’s worth $25 million, and I suppose that is from whatever she got in the divorce from The Count, but, like, how does The Countess spend a regular Tuesday? Is it all lunches with the ladies and having her Adam’s apple shaved down?

Anyway, while the realtor calls another listing, The Countess and Dorinda talk about Sonja’s behavior at The Countess’ actual residence, and Dorinda compares Sonja to a rattlesnake, explaining that you have to grab the rattlesnake by the tail and shake it around to prevent the rattlesnake from biting you. Because once bitten twice shy.

I say this as a Texan who has had more than a couple of run-ins with rattlesnakes in the wild: what the fuck are you talking about, Dorinda?  The reason you keep getting bitten is that YOU PICK UP RATTLESNAKES AND SHAKE THEM AROUND FOR SOME REASON. How about don’t pick up the rattlesnake? How about backing away from the rattlesnake carefully and not touching it at all? Or, if you absolutely need to kill the rattlesnake, how about using an ax or a shovel, but definitely not your hands, you dumb dummy?

Dorinda also adds for those in the back of the room that signing papers and then going to get a drink the next day with your now-ex is just not the same as burying a man, and the next day going to his grave and discovering that the bulldozer hasn’t filled it yet. IT’S NOT THE FUCKING SAME. Also, Dorinda came close to hitting Sonja when she suggested losing a husband in a divorce is the same as losing one in death, and I, for one, would not have blamed her.

Later, The Countess and The Princess meet, appropriately enough I suppose, for high tea to hash out their differences once and for fucking all. Once The Countess finally arrives after being a good half hour late, The Princess explains that after years of tension between them, she wants to clear the air. The Countess agrees: it’s true, they haven’t gotten along for so long now, and for no good reason.

“NOPE,” says The Princess, “It was because of the Marquis of Celery.” The Princess then reminds The Countess that she knows she’s talked shit about her not-boyfriend, the Duke of Salsa, how he is her “boytoy” (or, as the Princess calls him, her “toyboy” — AND SHE IS THE WRITER IN THE GROUP), but The Countess sniffs that The Princess is giving herself too much credit, she doesn’t think about the Viscount of Asparagus and The Princess at all. AND ANYWAY, WHY DIDN’T THE PRINCESS SEND HER AN OFFICIAL TEXT EXPRESSING HER SYMPATHY FOR HER DIVORCE? WELL WHY DIDN’T THE COUNTESS SEND HER AN OFFICIAL TEXT EXPRESSING HER SYMPATHY OVER HER BREAKUP WITH THE EARL OF LETTUCE WRAPS? And then both women agree to get over it already and move on.

Finally, it’s the day of Ramona’s excuse to give yet another company some free advertising Henri Bendel shopping “party,” which Bethenny will not be attending because she doesn’t wanna. (Also, she and an assistant decide that Bethenny should invite Dorinda to come with her to Puerto Rico because she’ll be able to handle going 24 hours without eyelash extensions, unlike some cast members. TINSLEY.)

Speaking of Tinsley, she has her makeup done in preparation for Ramona’s party by some professional service that goes out of their way to show off the BRAND RETRACTED BECAUSE FUCK THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT BULLSHIT ALL OVER THIS EPISODE hand lotion, I suppose as means of an exchange for Tinsley getting her makeup done for free because God knows Scott isn’t going to pay for it.

Which brings us to Scott who surprises Tinsley at her door. She handles this like a perfectly calm and reasonable human being, by collapsing on the floor, bursting into tears and launching into some crazy story about a bunch of dried-up stinky flowers that her OCD will now allow her to throw away. I don’t know.

The point is, she is blowing off Ramona’s party to go back early to Chicago with Scott. Tinsley calls Her Royal Sneakiness who reveals she helped Scott pull this off, and her mother who suggests that Scott come home with Tinsley for Christmas, she’ll even needlepoint a stocking for him featuring the dog that he loved who now lives with an ex-girlfriend.

DON’T GO HOME WITH TINSLEY FOR CHRISTMAS, SCOTT. THIS IS A TRAP, SCOTT.

Finally, Ramona’s stupid what-is-even-the-point-of-this shopping party. Ramona arrives and immediately begins rearranging Henry Bendel’s decorations to the unmasked exasperation and irritation of the Henri Bendel staff.

Princess Punctual is the first to arrive and delivers the news that Tinsley will not be attending as she has a date with a Southwest flight to Chicago. She then does nothing else of note for the rest of the party.

Next to arrive is Missy — Tom the Cheater’s ex-girlfriend who caused so much agitation during The Countess’ five-minute marriage — because Ramona is a god damned shit stirrer. The Countess arrives soon after and upon seeing Missy is like, “OBVIOUSLY. OF COURSE.” She makes nice and says her hellos but we all know how she really feels.

Next to arrive is Sonja, about whom Ramona is feeling particularly defensive. No, she did not defend Sonja against Dorinda’s charges that Sonja was sleeping her way through the South of France, but that’s because Sonja swore Ramona to secrecy about her marriage and what was Ramona supposed to do, violate that?

The Countess abandons Sonja and Ramona so they can have some time to chat for the first time since the Hamptons. After a few tense moments where no one says anything, Sonja gets huffy that Ramona knows full well that she didn’t cheat on her husband, and Ramona gets huffy that Sonja told her those things in confidence and the next thing you know these two dum-dums are screaming directly in each other’s mouths that the other “ISN’T LISTENNNNNINNNNNG,” while the other guests openly gape.

Eventually, Sonja stomps over to some strangers to sneer that she is leaving and she is NOT BUYING THIS FAKE STUFF because SHE HAS THE REAL STUFF.

Meanwhile, The Countess begins shamelessly flirting with Missy’s date, some 30-year-old named Richard, while Dorinda eggs her on, and Richard becomes filled with absolute terror.

RUN AWAY, RICHARD. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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