The Real Housewives of New York
“War and P.O.S.”
April 25, 2018
Last we left these lunatics, Dorinda and Sonja had been in the midst of an argument about how Sonja won’t shut up about her former marriage and ex-husband. In response, Sonja was dismissive of Dorinda’s husband’s death, arguing that they’ve heard about THAT a thousand times over. And Dorinda?
Lost. Her. Damn. Mind.
Dorinda began SCREAMING that Sonja was cheating on Mr. Morgan with everyone in the South of France and Mr. Morgan divorced her and married her best friend before insisting that you can’t compare divorce and death: she didn’t choose to bury her husband. While urging Sonja to tell Dorinda she’s sorry, Ramona leads a raving Dorinda away. And Sonja pouts that Ramona isn’t defending her enough and that it’s WRONG FOR DORINDA TO BE REPEATING VICIOUS RUMORS.
Ramona urges Dorinda to calm down, that Sonja’s not in her “right mind” what with the gaining weight and the antidepressants and all the juice, while Sonja continues to whine that she “lost her best friend” and refuses to apologize. Finally, Ramona drags Dorinda out of The Countess’ house as The Countess protests that Sonja “doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.”
Meanwhile, Bethenny shows Tinsley and Princess Carole her new Hamptons home, which she somehow bought for only $2 million. It’s nice! I just really do not care about real estate — but sure, it’s nice!
While they are there, Dorinda calls Bethenny and shares the story about her argument with Sonja, and, unsurprisingly, the woman who has buried a husband is like, “Sonja is a lunatic,” while the woman who has gone through an expensive, painful divorce is all, “I can kinda see Sonja’s point.”
That night is Ramona’s big dinner party to celebrate Her Royal Runningness having completed a marathon, which 1. is that a thing that people throw dinner parties for? and 2. if it is a thing that people throw dinner parties for, wouldn’t it make sense that the hostess would invite friends of the person who ran the marathon and not just her own pals? Because that is definitely not what Ramona does here.
Amazingly, everyone decides to wear the single most insane thing they own in their closet.
The hostess is wearing a one-shoulder dress with some sort of floral/barbed-wire print on it that stretches the bounds of logic.
The guest of honor wears a bodysuit printed with tattoos and a pair of leather shorts.
Bethenny (who at least has the self-awareness to realize they all look bonkers) wears a flayed muppet, while her boyfriend wears a hideous Gucci sweater with a tiger on the front and the word “LOVE” on the back.
And The Countess murders a giant pink bird and wears its skin as a trophy.
Actual scenes from this dinner party:
Points to Sonja, Tinsley and Dorinda for not looking like they just left Caesar Flickerman’s studio audience.
Upon arriving, Sonja is immediately on her guard, and sniffs that she’s just happy she has other friends in the Hamptons. Bethenny checks in on her, and Sonja explains that she’s had quite the day, including a nice cry over the way she was mistreated by Dorinda. Bethenny makes sympathetic noises as Ramona joins them, where Sonja accuses Ramona of throwing her under the bus. Ramona counters that she told Sonja to apologize, but Sonja refused. As things become heated, Tinsley’s interest is piqued, and Dorinda encourages her to go throw herself into the fray. Tinsley should absolutely not go through herself into the fray.
Ramona encourages everyone to sit down to eat, where Ramona toasts Princess Radziwill with SO MANY backhanded compliments: Her Royalness is “a woman who never worked out a day in her life” who yet managed somehow to run a marathon. As for Ramona, she works out all the time, but she could never do a marathon.
The ladies then imagine what it would take for Ramona to run a marathon and it essentially involves someone with an IV full of pinot grigio running alongside her.
Dorinda makes small talk with Bethenny’s boyfriend, Le Tigre, asking when he went bald, before going on about how much she loves a bald man, and how her dead husband was bald. Fudgie the Whale, who has his hair, sits across from Dorinda, wondering if he should shave his head.
HILARIOUSLY, The Countess has the cojones to ask Bethenny and Le Tigre how they met, and everyone is like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO BETHENNY AND LE TIGRE IN THE REUNION TWO SEASONS AGO? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT.”
Meanwhile, Sonja is irritated to have been “quarantined” at the end of the table, but still manages to dominate the conversation, yammering about how Rocco is wanting to become more serious. This somehow leads to Dorinda calling bullshit on Sonja’s relationship with Rocco (although, honestly, how would she know), calling Sonja a “liar liar ho on fire” for good measure.
Sonja insists she’s not a liar, which leaves Tinsley agape. “YOU LIE ALL THE TIME!” Sonja shrugs that talking about Tinsley isn’t lying, but Tinsley spits back that Sonja is going around telling everyone that her ex-boyfriend is paying her way when SHE ISN’T EVEN WITH HIM ANYMORE. Furthermore, it’s disgusting that Sonja would claim that Tinsley didn’t pay for the Bergdorf gift card herself and … AND YOU KNOW WHAT? TINSLEY IS JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND WRITE SONJA A CHECK TO COVER THE RENT FOR HER STAY IN SONJA’S DAUGHTER’S STUFFED ANIMAL-FILLED BEDROOM. Sonja asks who is going to cover it, Mommy or Scott, which leads to this:
Tinsley then stomps into the kitchen, finds a pen, and writes out a check before returning to the table to try to give the check to Sonja. However, Bethenny rips the check out of Tinsley’s hand and using one of the candles on the table lights it on fire, clearly to the disappointment of Miss Morgan who would never turn down free money, darlings, regardless who it was from.
Ramona urges Sonja to STOP IT and JUST APOLOGIZE, but Sonja is not having it, and huffs that apologizing is Ramona’s answer to everything but everyone knows she’s a big fake and just doesn’t want to get herself dirty.
Ramona presents Princess Carole with a birthday cake complete with candles …
… to celebrate her marathon, which I didn’t realize is a thing? Her Highness huffs in an interview that it was a nice try, but that she’d still give Ramona’s “marathon” party an “F.”
Sonja then announces that she is going to leave, but asks to speak to Dorinda privately first. In the kitchen, Sonja begins crying and saying that she had a bad day earlier, maybe it was all the juice she’s been drinking, that the fiber is going to her brain. And Dorinda is like, “Fine. Whatever, you loon.”
The next morning, Ramona shares with Dorinda a text message Sonja sent her: “You’re a bitch, Ramona. You never stand up for me. You cannot compare each other’s pain. Period. You could have cleared it up because you know the truth. You know I never cheated on my husband. I loved him and could not stay with him. It was extremely difficult on me and you did nothing to diffuse it at brunch as usual. You have no limits. Friendship means nothing to you. You need help. I’ve wasted my time bonding with you. You’re an unfeeling P.O.S.”
Ramona shrugs that she is not ready to say she’s done with Sonja, but she has no idea what is going on in that crazy blond head of hers these days. Dorinda shares both her personal motto and advice from your lawyer: “Say it, forget it … write it, regret it.”
It’s true, tho.
Finally, Tinsley and Princess Carole have arranged a brunch at their hotel, and decide that for everyone’s safety they need to use place cards. They put Tinsley and Sonja on opposite ends of the table, but then unwittingly place Sonja and Ramona directly across from one another. Ramona, just having been called a “piece of shit” by Sonja, decides that she does not actually want to spend the brunch sitting across from her, and under the guise of asking Tinsley’s advice on an interior decorating question, pulls her chair over to the other end of the table.
Sonja, who knows exactly what is happening, calls Ramona a loser, and Countess of Etiquette declares that Ramona is being Very Rude by abandoning Sonja at the end of the table. Sonja complains to Princess Razi that Ramona didn’t defend her, prompting Ramona to ask Sonja when is she going to start listening to others.
Sonja begins whinging that she’s the fun one at the party who is left to go back into the trenches — whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean — before noting that she LOST EVERYTHING in that ridiculous John Travolta movie deal and everyone is like, YEAH, 30 YEARS AGO, GET OVER IT. Sonja then calls Tinsley “judgmental” which is rich, before comparing herself to a shamed Cersei.
She’s a real piece of work, this one.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.