‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: There is no winning

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 3”
May 8, 2018

When we return to the final chapter of the reunion, we are still talking about Lisa Vanderpump VanderCutting Dorit’s head off in the Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine spread, which I think we can all agree was appropriate and hilarious. However, the other women continue to give Lisa shit about it because thems the rules.

Andy Cohen calls bullshit on the idea that Lisa Vanderpump and the magazine decided at the last moment to make these changes, while the women criticize Lisa for both not making an executive decision to include the photos despite Dorit’s displeasure with them and not using the other model’s photos. Lisa notes that there is no winning with this group, you’re VanderDamned if you do and VanderDamned if you don’t. And that’s the VanderTruth.

After asking about Rinna saying that Dorit’s VanderTime with Lisa is up because a newer younger model came into Lisa’s life, Andy Cohen asks Lisa about calling Teddi “Teddi Bear.” Lisa gives some strange answer about how “Teddy” is Grandpa Ken’s nickname — even though we all know his nickname is “Grandpa Ken” — and how “Teddy” will be her first grandchild’s name, and that’s why she calls her “Teddi Bear.”

Andy Cohen asks Dorit what she thinks of that nickname, and Dorit huffs that it doesn’t matter what she thinks about it, Andy Cohen. This causes Lisa Vanderpump to pontificate on the “demise” of her friendship with Dorit, and everyone is like, “DEMISE?”

But Lisa VanderWalks that one back, calling it a “temporary demise.” Lisa goes on about how VanderHurt her feelings were by the things Dorit said about her, before seemingly forgiving Dorit for not being wholly forthcoming, arguing that Dorit talks so much that it is impossible for her to remember what she’s said. Rinna, who was dragged for forgetting (or “forgetting”) what she had said about Kim and Kyle is all, “OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE.”

We then move on to the “Assholes in Berlin” montage. Andy Cohen asks the Jewish ladies amongst them about the Holocaust memorial and how emotional it was for them: “Very.”

Andy Cohen asks Rinna about her kinda runaway horse, and she profusely thanks Teddi for her assistance in calming the animal down even though all Teddi said was basically, “Be cool.”

Andy Cohen also asks Kyle why the hell she’d go horseback riding when she is apparently deathly allergic to horses and she makes some noises about how allergies get worse as you grow older and that she just didn’t know, man, back off.

Andy Cohen then asks Lisa why she was SO VANDERMAD that Kyle forgot who Nanny Kay was. Lisa VanderSplains that she mentioned Nanny Kay SO MANY DAMN TIMES (cue the Nanny Kay montage), and that she was one of the most important people in her life. Kyle protests that of course she knew that Lisa’s grandVandermother was important to her, just as Kyle’s grandmother was important to her. QUICK, LISA, NAME KYLE’S GRANDMOTHER.

Lisa obviously can not, but THAT’S NOT THE VANDERPOINT. The VanderPoint is that 90% of Lisa and Kyle’s relationship is Lisa taking care of Kyle because Kyle has anxiety and hypochondria and is paranoid and she has to serve as Kyle’s default older VanderSister because Kyle is always in a tizzy and her panties are always in a VanderTwist.

And everyone is all:

BECAUSE WHERE THE VANDERHELL DID THAT COME FROM?

It turns out that Lisa is still VanderPissed that at Teddi’s beach house, Kyle hypothesized that the reason Lisa VanderStormed out of the dinner was because they weren’t making it All About Lisa. AND IT’S NEVER ALL ABOUT LISA, IT’S ALWAYS ALL ABOUT KYLE. And everyone is all, “Ohhhh … Huh. We weren’t talking about either the dinner or the beach house, but sure, OK.”

Next montage: “Kyle Made a Show and It’s Probably Going to Piss off her Sisters, Not that They Will Ever Be on this Show Again.”

American Woman will premiere this summer on Paramount Network (June 7th, to be precise) and here’s your trailer. Please watch it, because we have some stuff to talk about:

So let’s discuss Kyle’s comments in this segment, because she is giving a very one-sided view of all of this.

What we learn in the reunion is that Kyle’s sisters still have not seen the pilot episode of the series; she did not offer to send them scripts, instead just asking them to trust her that that show was a highly fictionalized version of her life, and no one else’s; and that as a result, she and her older sister Kathy have not spoken in at least 6 months.

The problem with this argument (based solely on a two-minute trailer) is that the focus of the show is clearly a character that is based on their mother — not Kyle’s child actress character — and while it might be legal for Kyle to fictionalize her mother’s story, she also has to accept that such a creative decision is going to be fraught with consequences not just for herself, but for all of her mother’s children, including Kathy and Kim. You add to all of this the fact that Kyle, Kim, and Kathy are celebrities in their own rights and the potential audience for the show may be watching not because it’s a show about a strong female protagonist finding her own way, but because it’s about the Richards’ sisters’ childhoods (or so they assume). Kyle may say that this is a “highly fictionalized” account until she’s blue in the face, but she sold this sitcom on the premise that it was her family’s story, and she knows — and Paramount knows — full well that people are going to tune in for that very reason. To play the “I Just Don’t Know Why My Sister is SO MAD at Me” card when she’s created a sitcom that seems to portrays her sisters’ mother as a 70s swinger (or at least swinger-curious) is disingenuous to say the fucking least.

Oh, and then, to learn that Kyle also sold a series about a woman in the real estate business who strikes out on her own, leaving her powerful mother-in-law’s company, when this story bears an uncomfortable resemblance to the fact that one of the sticking points between Kathy and Kyle is that Mauricio started off at Kathy’s husband’s real estate company before branching out on his own? That’s just salt in the motherfucking wound.

And also, too, if there was no reason for Kathy to be upset about this series, why didn’t Kyle just send her a script? Or send her a copy of the pilot once it was filmed? I mean, fuck me, I can’t believe I am defending KATHY FUCKING HILTON, but here we are.

And in conclusion, Kyle’s argument that her sisters are being unreasonable is nonsense.

#TeamKathy because I’d be pissed, too.

We move on to the final montage of the night, “Erika Fucking Jayne Apologizes to No Bitches.”

A viewer asks Teddi about saying Erika had “pretend amnesia,” and whether it was intentional or if the wrong words just fell out of her mouth, and she’s all, “the latter, obviously,” noting that she apologized to Erika as soon as she realized how it came out.

Erika first tries to defend herself by saying that she wasn’t all that mean to Teddi — she wasn’t as much of an asshole to Teddi as, say Dorit, right? But then she INSISTS that her response to Teddi saying she had “pretend amnesia” and then immediately apologizing for doing so was warranted and appropriate. What did Teddi expect her to do, nothing?

Lisa Vanderpump tries to point out that maybe, possibly, Erika was needlessly aggressive with Teddi, but Erika doubles down because ERIKA IS NEVER WRONG, VANDERPUMP. As Teddi tries to explain that no one has ever spoken to her in such a way, Erika is all, “OH SPARE ME THE FAWN IN THE WOODS BULLSHIT. YOU BELONG HERE AS MUCH AS ANYONE.”

For some reason, Rinna tries to whine about being attacked for “forgetting” the terrible things she said about Kyle and Kim mess, but no one is interested.

A viewer asks if Erika wasn’t just being a diva at the beach house and left because she couldn’t have her glam squad with her, and Erika is like, “No, dummy, I left because I was having a horrible period and feeling awful.” Cue the montage of Erika at the beach house talking about how shitty her period is.

Andy Cohen notes that a lot was made about Erika shoving Teddi away when she tried to hug her and Erika — who just explained that she left the beach house because of her painful period, backed up with a montage of her telling everyone about her terrible period — claims it was because she was embarrassed by having to talk about feminine issues on television.

And maybe that’s what she genuinely believes, but methinks she needs to get herself to a therapist to talk about some of her intimacy issues and her complicated relationship with her mother.

SPEAKING OF THAT, the next viewer has a theory about Erika lashing out on Eileen and then Teddi, that Erika is working out her anger at her mother on these two very maternal (and blond) figures in her life has PTSD.

Yeah, no. If we’re going to get to the bottom of Erika’s issues, we need to get Freudian up in here.

Erika then complains endlessly about some blog that Teddi wrote after an episode and Jesus Christ I just do not have time to watch the show and keep up with these bitches on social media AND read their blogs, I do not care. This is a fight that does not involve me, thanks.

Andy Cohen asks about Dorit claiming in Berlin that Teddi was scared of Erika, and Teddi tries to walk it back, she wasn’t scared scared, she just didn’t know what to do with the unpredictability of someone like Erika — to which I say, NO MA’AM. ERIKA IS TERRIFYING AND SHE MEANS TO BE SO. Embrace it. Erika does.

Andy Cohen then has some final questions for the ladies:

Teddi: Was this what you expected when you signed up?

Teddi claims she had no expectations …

… before saying some mushy-mouthed nonsense about good times and bad times.

Rinna: Will the old Rinna rise from the ashes or is Yoda here to stay?

Dorit: Would you do anything — or everything — differently?

Dorit makes some noises about learning about herself. OK.

Erika: What are you going to say “yes” to next?

Erika claims “good things” are coming her way, before saying that she had a great day with Teddi and now they are on the same page and they just had to hash it out.

Teddi:

Kyle: Are your friends an extension of your broken-ass relationship with your sisters?

Kyle: Yes.

Lisa: How have you grown in this experience?

Lisa begins by bitching about being in the public VanderEye before swearing that she really does love Kyle like a VanderSister and that Dorit is misunderstood.

Finally, Andy Cohen brings out champagne in beer steins just to piss of Dorit, who takes hers in a proper champagne glass — because never forget: Dorit is an asshole.

To another season! Cheers, mein Freunde!

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will return on Bravo presumably sometime this winter.