We are now a week away from the return of The Bachelorette, and my wine fridge is woefully unstocked. After being unceremoniously dumped by real estate agent Arie Luyendyk Jr. in favor of a boring blond non-entity, Becca Kufrin (“Ringbearer” as I not very creatively called her and will now officially retire as her nickname) is our new Bachelorette. So prepare yourself: you are about to hear “Let’s do this damn thing” a lot. Like, a whole lot.
As part of the Bachelor tradition, ABC released photos and biographies of the men who they have recruited to woo Becca. And as I started going through them, a pattern emerged: every man mentioned sports or fitness or health or sports and fitness and health in their abbreviated bios (ABC has, tragically for my purposes, done away with just posting the contestant’s often unintentionally hilarious application answers, and instead had some intern with a fondness for the phrase “self-proclaimed” draft a two-sentence description of each man). I was certain that the producers, inspired perhaps by this season of Dancing with the Stars, was planning on doing a theme season for Becca: The Bachelorette: Athletes. Which would make sense, seeing as the two men that we know Becca had dated in the past include a college football coach and a retired race car driver.
But then I got to the tenth guy’s profile, and the most athletic thing that is noted is that he likes to dance, and the entire theory was blown out of the water. Still, out of the 28 guys the producers have chosen for her to date, 17 of them mention either being or having been an athlete, or what sports they are into, or how they get punched in the gut for a living,
or how they just really relate to that Bruce Springsteen song “Glory Days,” so 1. clearly, she has a type and 2. I stand by calling this season The Bachelorette: Sports Dudes.
Let’s meet the mesomorphic man-apes we’ll be spending two months with:
“A self-proclaimed country music lover, Alex enjoys spending time with his dog, Donzi, and taking trips to the beach with his boat. When he’s not out on the water, you can find Alex hitting the ski slopes out West.”
I have questions about the turn of phrase “self-proclaimed country music lover.” Namely, are there country music lovers that require other people to “proclaim” them so?
Also, Sports Guy #1.
“Blake considers himself a modern romantic who believes that two people need to be independent in order to truly love each other, so he’s looking for his equal match. Born and raised in small town Bailey, Colorado, Blake was both a high school and collegiate athlete. Despite excelling at football and basketball, Blake has a secret talent… he’s a great swing dancer!”
“Modern romantic” = RUN AWAY.
Sports Guy #2.
“Chase competed in the College World Series twice as third baseman for the University of South Carolina. He loves adventure, the outdoors and is excited to embrace wherever life takes him.”
Sports Guy #3.
“Originally from New York, Chris has embraced the sunny Florida life since he was a kid. Chris studied Health Service Administration at the University of Central Florida and is extremely passionate about fitness and health. He comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he’s determined to do the same!”
Sports Guy #4.
San Diego, CA
“Born in Mexico, Christian moved to the U.S. with his mother when he was three. A natural athlete, he played semi-professional soccer in the States until an injury forced him to retire. Christian’s biggest date fear is spilling something on himself in front of our Bachelorette.”
Sports Guy #5.
Former Harlem Globetrotter
Los Angeles, CA
“Bored with his corporate job in Detroit, Christon sent an e-mail to the Harlem Globetrotters to see if they were looking for new talent. Before he knew it, he was flying around the world entertaining thousands with his acrobatic dunks. Now a professional dunker in LA, Christon hopes finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay-up.”
“Former Harlem Globetrotter” is not a job. I put this on ABC, not Christon, who made it clear that he is now a “professional dunker.” Because that’s a thing.
Sports Guy #6.
Pro Football Player
“Clay is a professional football player who has come a long way from his small town in the outskirts of Chicago. Clay loves hip-hop and country music, and likes to think he’s a good mix of a city and country boy. He is a true gentleman who doesn’t even curse!”
“Who doesn’t even curse!” Yeah, hard pass.
Sports Guy #7.
Former Pro Football Player
“Colton was named after the Indianapolis Colts which would turn out to be fitting for this lifelong football player. He played professionally for three teams before an injury forced him to retire. Post-football, Colton has dedicated himself to helping children fighting Cystic Fibrosis. When he’s not working on his charity, he’s spending time with his family and his dog, Sniper.”
First of all, the type of people who name their child after an NFL football team is the type of people I LITERALLY have nothing in common with. Nothing. Not one single thing.
Second of all, this guy named his dog “Sniper.”
Third of all, Sports Guy #8.
St. Petersburg, FL
“After graduating from the University of Tampa, Connor had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves before diving into his current profession as a health and wellness coach. Connor is a risk-taker, whose health and fitness is his #1 priority.”
Sports Guy #9.
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Sherman Oaks, CA
“Darius is an energetic, fun-loving Milwaukeean who loves to dance. His most important mission is to live a life of service by giving back to others. He travels frequently and has been to over 11 countries in the past few years.”
Our first Not Sports Guy! He spends the time all the rest of these lunkheads spend on “leg day” traveling around the world! He’s going to be sent home immediately!
“David is a successful businessman who enjoys fitness, golfing, skiing and spending time with his family at their beach house. He loves guacamole, but hates avocado. Hopefully, that’s not a deal breaker for the Bachelorette!”
Get the fuck out of here with your “venture capitalist” non-avocado-eating ass.
Sports Guy #10.
“Grant is a fourth generation electrician with a great sense of humor. If the Bachelorette can handle a healthy dose of sarcasm, there will definitely be sparks with Grant!”
You had me with “great sense of humor,” you lost me at “healthy dose of sarcasm.” People who describe themselves as sarcastic are often the worst people. (And I say that as someone who makes her living by being a snark.) (I’m also the worst people.)
Medical Sales Rep
“Raised in a small town in Central California, Garrett is a true outdoorsman who loves fly fishing, hiking and snowshoeing. When he’s not on an outdoor adventure, he’s perfecting his Chris Farley impression. He’s excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!”
RUN. RUN AWAY, BECCA.
Sports Guy #11.
“This adventure-seeking Minneapolis native grew up riding dirt bikes in rural areas, racing motocross since the age of 13. He’s also jumped off the third highest bungee jump in the world! He is a hopeless romantic who likes to write poems and loves a good dance.”
“Loves a good dance” … as in he likes to dance? Or he likes to go to dances? Does he hang out at high school dances? ~someone call the police~
Sports guy #12.
Sr. Corporate Banker
“A successful banker with a heart of gold. When Jason’s not rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills, he’s belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies. He’s hoping to sing his way into the Bachelorette’s heart.”
1. “A successful banker with a heart of gold” is an oxymoron.
2. “he’s belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies.” HOLY SHIT, NO, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.
3. While he’s not a full Sports Guy, he does mention sportsball in his bio, so as far as I’m concerned, it counts.
Sports Guy #13.
“Jean Blanc was born in Haiti and immigrated with his family to Boston when he was only two years old. Jean Blanc went to college at Duke, got a masters degree in business administration and then moved to Memphis to work as an engineer. He recently relocated to Pensacola where he works in finance and continues to add to his very impressive cologne collection.”
“Colognoisseur” is not a word and I can not imagine what a nightmare his house must smell like.
Grocery Store Owner
“Formerly one of the youngest traders on the Chicago stock exchange, Joe turned a successful career in big finance into a successful career in small business. He followed his family’s footsteps in the grocery store world, where he currently owns and manages his own store. Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe’s ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette.”
Whoever wrote this: you’re fired.
San Francisco, CA
“John is a start-up company success story who’s working hard in the hustle and bustle of the Silicon Valley tech scene. When he’s not working, you can find him wine tasting, playing guitar or making his world-famous banana bread.”
I hate banana bread. No knock against him, it’s a personal thing with me. If he showed up on the first night and tried to give me a loaf of banana bread, I would just turn him around and send him back to the limo. No thank you, please.
Crystal River, FL
“A former Business/Accounting major, Jordan turned his good looks into a professional modeling career. When he’s not posing for magazines shoots giving his best ‘pensive gentleman’ look, Jordan enjoys kayaking and running. With a personal best mile time of 4.24 Jordan’s excited to sprint to the finish line with the Bachelorette.”
Brace yourself, Zoolander jokes are coming.
Sports guy #14
Social Media Participant
“Kamil was born in Poland and moved to the United States with his parents when he was five years old. He learned English by watching cartoons. Kamil has a successful career in real estate and dabbles in modeling as well. Just don’t ask Kamil to get his hands too dirty, he has a terrible fear of spiders!”
Kamil is my spirit animal.
Studio City, CA
“A Los Angeles native, Leo is a successful stuntman in TV, movies and stage shows. When he’s not taking a punch, he works for his family construction business. Leo’s been growing his hair for 10 years and prefers the “messy bun” look.”
KHAL DROGO LIVES.
Sports Guy #15.
Account Sales Executive
Los Angeles, CA
“Originally from Nigeria, Lincoln moved to Boston when he was a teenager and later attended college in Kentucky. He always dreamed of living in California and recently saw that dream come true when work brought him to Santa Monica. Lincoln would love to have a big family to make his mom proud. Fun fact, Lincoln was named after Abraham Lincoln.”
“Fun fact, Lincoln was named after Abraham Lincoln.” OK, but is that fun? Is it, though?
“This Notre Dame alum majored in Accounting and Computer Applications and currently works as football analyst. Mike loves festivals, horse races and state fairs. He also loves his bulldog, Riggins.”
“Mike needs to learn to love shampoo.”
Sports Guy #16
“Nick is a fun-loving attorney with a zest for life. When he’s not winning trials, you can catch him in his signature tracksuits being the life of the party. Nick is a self-proclaimed “weekend warrior” who loves brunches, barbeques and the beach.”
Words that should make every woman run in the opposite direction: “fun-loving,” “tracksuits,” “weekend warrior” — especially when “self-proclaimed.”
San Diego, CA
“After college at JMU and a stint on Wall Street, Rickey created a successful online personal training company. He dreams of finding a woman who can keep up with his lifestyle and be his best friend first, and lover second.”
Sports Guy #17.
Manhattan Beach, CA
“This banjo-playing Cape Cod native is extremely close to his family. They all play together in a bluegrass band. He loves playing the banjo, ukulele, guitar and trombone. Ryan also has a passion for sailing and can’t wait to make the Bachelorette his first mate!”
I’m already exhausted.
“This animal lover from Carrol, IA moved to Florida to pursue a career as a realtor and a model. He has been on the cover of romance novels and has done catalog work as well. Trent is excited to show the Bachelorette his sweet Midwestern charm.”
I just bet Trent is excited to show the Bachelorette his “sweet Midwestern charm.” I just bet he does.
Los Angeles, CA
“Wills was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA. He went to UC Davis and majored in Design. He loves his job as an Editorial Designer, but not as much as he loves Harry Potter. Wills is hoping to cast an enchanting spell on the Bachelorette!”
Oh my God.
Alright, my roses. Let’s meet back here in a week. Until then, I’m off to go preemptively drink so my liver won’t go into shock on Monday. CHEERS!
The Bachelorette debuts on Monday, May 28 on ABC at 7/8 p.m. Please, please send box wine, I’m begging you.