‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Off with their VanderHeads

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 2”
May 1, 2018

Lisa Vanderpump VanderWelcomes us to the second part of the reunion by swooshing the color-changing sequins of her VanderDress over her boobs, and swooshing down a pair of nipples. SHE HAS VANDERBOOBS, GET IT?

Also, Internet? How how how how how is there not a gif of this? YOU FAILED.

This very eloquently leads us to our next montage: “These Women Have More Clothes than Sense.” After, Andy Cohen asks Erika about her latex getup, which she explains was very difficult to get in and out of and made her sicker than she already was. WORTH IT. Andy Cohen then reveals an embarrassing lack of knowledge about baby powder, latex, and lube before asking Erika if its true that she spends $40,000 a month on “glam.” Erika corrects him that it’s not just “glam” but everything and that yes, it’s true, but she thinks it’s a bargain because she knows other people who spend up to $90,000 to $100,000 a month on such things. It’s all about perspective.

A viewer wants to know who has the most shoes: “Let’s call them VanderShoes, darling.”

Another viewer chastises Teddi for claiming that she doesn’t care about aesthetics and yet getting hair extension and boob implants after becoming a Housewife. Teddi is like, “Yeah, I got boob implants, what of it?”

A viewer asks Erika which of her “costumes” was her favorite: she chooses the Japanese cosplay she wore in Tokyo; Dorit declares her favorite Erika’s black outfit with the crown, even though no one asked her. (You just know it BURNS DORIT ON THE INSIDE that she is not considered the fashionista on the cast. You just know it keeps her awake at night.)

A viewer asks Lisa Vanderpump if she had that pink velvet Chanel luggage custom made, but she explains that she happened to discover it in Las Vegas, knew it was made for her and bought it on the spot as it would have been rude not to.

Andy Cohen moves on to the grim news that Kyle’s new house was broken into over the Christmas holiday, and everything of hers of value was stolen: purses, jewelry, jewelry, and purses her mother gave her … all gone. The cost of the loss: somewhere over a million dollars. As for whether or not Kyle is going to stay in the house, at the reunion, she wasn’t so sure, but come on. They’ll stay.

The next montage is “Dorit, Erika, and Rinna: Can You Believe These Bitches Are Friends?”

A viewer asks Dorit why she was so much more open to giving Erika a second chance than Rinna, and Dorit is like, “Um, because Erika is terrifying?” firsts apologizes to Rinna for her reaction in Las Vegas, when she just straight-up denied that Rinna had been attacked by P.K., because she was too wrapped up in her own feelings to deal with Rinna’s. That said, she explains that she felt her issues with the two women were very different and that she was much more viciously attacked by Rinna compared to Erika. (Which is true: Erika didn’t accuse Dorit of throwing coke parties.)

Andy Cohen asks Erika if she’s spent any time with P.K. and she’s like, “Yeah, it’s fine. I try to keep my legs crossed.”

Andy Cohen notes that it was sweet to see Erika help Dorit with her performance for P.K.’s birthday before reading a question from a viewer who demands to know why Lisa Vanderpump wasn’t supportive of Dorit’s plan to sing for her husband. And Lisa is like, “Uhhh … because she’s not a singer?”

Andy Cohen then brings Camille out, congratulates her on the engagement, asks how big the ring is (5 carats), asks if Kelsey’s was smaller (“The ring?” Kyle asks, earning a solid high five), notes that she was the most hated Housewife in the first season but is loved how. How does it feel to go from abhorred to adored? ACTUALLY GREAT, BOB.

We then receive the “Wait, Why Isn’t Camille a Full-Time Housewife Again?” montage.

Camille announces that she brought the ball gag with her, which is a nice lead-in for a viewer’s question as to why Dorit didn’t think the ball gag was a “cheeky gift” since that’s what she said about the panties she gave Erika? Dorit protests that actually it was because Camille gave her the ball gag at an elegant birthday party and also, too, she thought she and Camille had moved on. And Camille’s like, “Yeah, not so much, you called me a ‘cunt.'” Camille adds that she was “humiliated” and that it was NOT COOL for Dorit to do that in front of her then-new-boyfriend. Camille also claims that P.K. had also been shitty about her, saying she was “difficult,” and Dorit is shocked! SHOCKED! because apparently she’s never met her husband.

Andy Cohen asks Erika what she thought about Dorit’s reaction to Camille’s gag gift, Erika is like, “I MEAN, COME ON, if you’re going to dish it out, you have to be able to take it.” Fact: this is Erika Jayne’s family motto, but in Latin.

A viewer asks Kyle about saying that Dorit’s “evil twin” comes out when she does tequila shots, but then being upset with Camille for saying that Dorit drinks too much, and Kyle’s like, “Yeah, well, I am going to say something vague about my sister and not ruining people’s reputations and completely avoid the actual question which suggests that I’m a hypocrite.”

Another viewer asks Camille if she’s consulted Allison DuBois on ways to get Dorit to close her mouth, and, sadly, Camille reports that she hasn’t talked to Allison DuBois since the Dinner Party from Hell, because Allison DuBois thinks Camille set her up. This is a terrible terrible shame, as every season of all The Real Housewives would be vastly improved with a dose of Allison DuBois.

Camille then donates the ball gag to the Clubhouse because Dorit has no sense of humor.

For some reason, we then go backstage to watch the women eat and gossip and fascinatingly, Lisa Vanderpump completely undresses to have lunch.

Back on set, Andy Cohen introduces the “Dorit is an Asshole” montage.

A viewer asks Teddi about stirring the shit by bringing up things Dorit said about Rinna some two months earlier, and Teddi shrugs that she done fucked up, whaddya gonna do, you know? Dorit adds that she is very grateful that Rinna has become a Zen Buddhist and didn’t murder her to death over that.

Another viewer just makes a statement, no question here: Dorit talks too damn much. And Teddi is like, “I mean, yes, but she makes her point by confusing you with everything else.”

Rinna suggests that Teddi and Dorit are actually very similar, but Teddi disagrees strongly: she admits when she is wrong or insecure or has messed up and doesn’t blame anyone else. But Dorit is like, “Yeah, but when you have an argument to make you never shut the fuck up about it.” Teddi suggests that she never stops making her point, because she’s telling the truth, and Dorit fires back that she’s telling her truth, too. “Oh, so then you think I’m a cunt?” asks Camille who is the best thing on this entire show, make her a Housewife again, Andy Cohen.

Andy Cohen brings up Glassgate, and Dorit is all, “LET ME BE CLEAR, I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE ABOUT GLASS ETIQUETTE, WELL, NOT ALWAYS.” Teddi is like, “Look, I don’t give a shit about her wanting a different glass, my point was she could have just gone to the bartender and asked for a different glass and not made a fucking federal case out of it.” Lisa Vanderpump asks Dorit if now looking back, can she see that she could have handled it differently? And Dorit is like, “No, but I’ll say yes because I know that’s what you think I should say.”

Teddi points out that the glass nonsense was just one thing Dorit was being an asshole about, that it went hand-in-hand with Dorit refusing the facial treatments. Had Teddi known Dorit (and everyone else) was so goddamned high maintenance, she would have arranged something else for them to do. And that’s the irony here, isn’t it? That Teddi, believing that she was going to do something fancy for these fancy ladies — offering them spa services at her home — somehow managed to underestimate just how fancy these women were, that they are so fancy that fancy wasn’t fancy enough.

Teddi then calls Lisa Vanderpump out for tattling to Dorit about her bitching about Dorit and Lisa VanderShrugs. It’s what she VanderDoes.

Dorit adds that Teddi shouldn’t go so far out of her way to try to make the women feel comfortable that she herself is uncomfortable, and Teddi is like, “Bitch, I learned my lesson, which is why I had y’all over to the beach house the next time.”

Camille chirps that she had a great time at Teddi’s beach house, it was a shame Erika left. Erika is all, “I CAME BACK, THOUGH.” Camille acts wounded that Erika is giving her “attitude” and wonders why Erika left without telling anyone and Erika is, “BECAUSE I COULD.”

Andy Cohen moves on to one of Camille’s tweets regarding Dorit’s swimsuit line:

Camille:

A viewer berates Teddi for making a big deal when Dorit was late for their wine date, and Teddi is like, “I WAS SITTING THERE BY MYSELF FOR AN HOUR. IT SUCKED. But then! to add insult to injury, Dorit goes to Kyle and claims that I was mad at her over 6 minutes AND NOT AN HOUR … not cool.”

Dorit insists that they not “get into specifics” about by how late she was — 6 minutes, 60 minutes, it doesn’t really matter, not really. And Teddi, God bless her, tells Dorit to STOP GASLIGHTING EVERYONE.

Dorit then pouts that she just doesn’t know who Teddi is, really. She says one thing to Dorit’s face and then something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT in the interviews. And everyone is like, “Uhhhh … no? Teddi says everything to your face that she says in the interviews? THAT’S HER ENTIRE THING.”

And then Andy Cohen dismisses Camille. Bye, Camille!

Next is the “Don’t VanderFuck with Vanderpump” montage.

A viewer calls Dorit a total diva at the Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine shoot, and she defends herself by saying that she didn’t know about the photoshoot until the night before. AS IF THIS MAKES SENSE. AS IF IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO INSULT PHOTOGRAPHERS AND MAKEUP ARTISTS TO THEIR FACES BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAD 24 HOURS OF NOTICE.

Lisa Vanderpump reminds her that it was supposed to be about the jewelry and not Dorit, and wonders why she would want to sabotage Dorit for her own VanderShoot in her VanderMagazine advertising her VanderJewelry? Fair point!

Erika tries to argue that they should have rescheduled it or allowed Dorit to pay for her own glam squad to come in, but Lisa Vanderpump insists that it just wasn’t supposed to be that big of a deal. Additionally, Dorit’s assholish behavior angered both the actual editor? publisher? whoever the hell “Mark” is and the makeup artist who did Erika’s makeup, and Mark insisted that they not use the pictures that were associated with any negativity and the whole thing was VanderMortifying.

Andy Cohen asks why Lisa Vanderpump hadn’t told Dorit that they weren’t using her photos sooner? At Dorit’s fashion show, Lisa Vanderpump tries to claim that she only made the decision a few days earlier, but in fact, she shot the replacement pictures a VanderMonth before.

And we all know the answer: TV VANDERDRAMA. However, Lisa Vanderpump claims that she didn’t know if they were going to use the reshoots until the last moment and anyway, they used Dorit’s hands, they just cut off her head since she hated her makeup so much. Dorit sniffs that it felt like she was being VanderPunished and Rinna and Erika agree, it was an “oh you’re going to be a VanderAsshole? Well, I am going to be an even BIGGER VanderAsshole” move.

Which, well, yeah, that’s what she VanderDo.

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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