In which I call bullshit on this ‘Game of Thrones’ death algorithm that some nerd made. And then I fix it.

Some nerd wrote an algorithm to predict which characters had the highest chance of dying on Game of Thrones, and he totally got it all wrong. Just look at this nonsense that I am not even going to pretend to label spoilers because NOPE:

  • Daenerys Targaryen – 83.77% chance of death
  • Jaime Lannister – 72.91% chance of death
  • Tyrion Lannister – 70.76% chance of death
  • Bran Stark – 66.02% chance of death
  • Cersei Lannister – 60.39% chance of death
  • Jon Snow – 58.99% chance of death
  • Euron Greyjoy – 54.95% chance of death
  • Sansa Stark – 50.28% chance of death
  • Arya Stark – 49.04% chance of death
  • Gendry – 39.87% chance of death

With the exception of Gendry’s chances — which I think are probably lower than this, but whatever — I reject this entirely. Here is my own patented “Therese Odell Overthinks This Shit as a Profession” algorithm:

  • Cersei Lannister – 100% chance of death
  • Jaime Lannister – 100% chance of death
  • Jon Snow – 99.99% chance of death
  • Euron Greyjoy – 95% chance of death
  • Arya Stark – 70% chance of death
  • Tyrion Lannister – 4o% chance of death
  • Gendry – 39.87% chance of death
  • Daenerys Targaryen – 30% chance of death
  • Sansa Stark – 20% chance of death
  • Bran Stark – 20% chance of death

Look, there is a reason computers don’t write books (yet). This nerd’s algorithm takes into account the age, gender and family history of the characters to determine the character’s chances of survival. But that’s not how stories work. We are coming to the conclusion of the story, and other elements like foreshadowing and climaxes, themes and motifs have to be added to the equation.

For instance, Martin has all but screamed in our faces over and over again that the Lannister twins are gonna die and it’s going to be Jaime who kills Cersei before he dies himself. As for Jon Snow, he foreshadowed his own death when he made Melisandre SWEAR that she would never revive him again. And also, too, he’s just too good for the world of Westeros (See: Ned and Robb). The flipside of Jon’s goodness is Euron who is just a shithead who has death coming to him. And Arya, as much as I love Arya, she’s on a path towards death because she is still in debt to the Many-Faced God.

As for Daenerys, if Jon Snow dies, she lives, because one of them has to live, thems the rules. Also, she has to have Jon Snow’s baby because that’s where this whole thing is headed. Now, there is a chance she dies in childbirth because that’s a big thing on this show, which is why I have her chance to die as high as I do. But I see her surviving and, ironically, rejecting the Iron Throne — if there is one left to reject.

Tyrion is a trickier character. He and Arya are Martin’s favorites, which is why I think he’s allowed them both to live this long — but it’s also why I think they are both in some danger. Tyrion is less in danger than Arya because he lives a less dangerous life, buuuuuuuut it would be keeping with Martin’s perverse nature to kill him off in the end. That said, he might just live to be the last Lannister standing because would be quite the thumb in the eye to dear old dead dad.

Sansa and Bran are going to survive this because 1. the Stark line cannot die off and 2. because Bran is the Three-Eyed Raven. And, in fact, on that last point, one could argue that Bran has already died and this whole algorithm is moot because LEARN YOUR FACTS, NERD, AND NERD’S COMPUTER.

If you wanted to watch all the original shows and movies and stand-up specials that have been released in 2018 — just 2018 so far — it would take you a solid 4 weeks.

I mean, Friday Night Lights was great and all, but are there no other high school football stories to tell?

Ryan Murphy is donating 100% of the proceeds from his new series Pose to Trans and LGBTQ charities which he can afford to do because Netflix.

If you missed the premiere of Vida on Sunday, or if you don’t have Starz, you can watch it for free beginning today.

Stop. Making. The Handmaid’s Tale. Merchandise.

Once Upon a Time’s creators and Snow White and Prince Charming talk about the finale and the show’s history. As a reminder: Once Upon a Time closes the book forever on May 19. Here are all the other season finale dates for you.

#MeToo

Amazon will not be submitting Jeffrey Tambor for Emmy consideration for Transparent because fuck you, Jeffrey Tambor.

Megyn Kelly had a journalist on her show who is critical of NBC for not hiring outside investigators to look into the Matt Lauer mess. Ann Curry has come forward to contradict the investigation’s claim that they spoke to her. Meanwhile, in a very well-written essay, Tom Brokaw’s accuser, Linda Vester, also calls for outside investigators to be brought in and tries to explain the nuance of the #MeToo movement that seems to be lost on many of its critics:

Not all harassers are cartoonish bogeymen who mistreat every woman in their path. It isn’t really relevant that while a man might have harassed some women, he didn’t harass all women. Many men who harass have been well-liked and respected inside the organization and publicly. They are, like all of us, multidimensional.

I learned this early on from my experiences working for Roger Ailes at Fox News. He treated me with the utmost fairness and respect, and I was under the impression that he behaved that way with all his staffers. Years after I left television, the allegations against him came to light. Mainly because of my own experience with Brokaw, I did not think it was right for me to join the chorus of people who rushed to publicly defend Ailes.

Even though I had no negative experiences with him, I thought it better to let an investigation take its course; knowing how painful this was for the women involved, I was not going to doubt those who spoke up. And I’m glad I didn’t. It’s something all of us should consider the next time there are allegations of harassment against someone we might not think capable of such behavior. We owe it to the victims, the accused, and ourselves to make sure that lending support does not cross over into taking sides and intimidating other victims.

Roseanne plans on tackling a #MeToo story next season. Instead, could they just not?

Chris Brown is being sued by a woman who claims he raped her.

Detail, the producer of Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love” among other songs, has been accused of raping two women.

Spotify is removing R. Kelly’s music from its platform.

Renewals

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

True fact: my family and I are somewhere in the crowd in the clearing behind that tour bus:

WATCH THIS

Supernatural: Jack wrestles with the consequences of his actions. 7 p.m., The CW

Atlanta: The description of the episode is: “Going where the money goes is important, but it’s hard when something holds a person back.” So I’m guessing this will be about Earn and Paper Boi’s complicated relationship. Season finale OF THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW. 9 p.m., FX

Safe: Micahel C. Hall — who is not British — plays a British dad who is looking for his missing daughter in this new thriller series. Series premiere. Netflix

The Big Bang Theory: The big wedding finale. 7 p.m., CBS

Young Sheldon: Sheldon interferes in Meemaw’s love life in the season finale. 7:30 p.m., CBS

Mom: Christy falls back in to bad habits in the one-hour season finale 8 p.m., CBS

Chicago Fire: Boden’s chances for promotion are complicated in the season finale. 8 p.m., NBC

Motherland: A new comedy about motherhood from the creator of Catastrophe. Season premiere. Sundance Now

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Alex Rodriguez, Jamie Parker, Arctic Monkeys Late Night with Seth Meyers: Michael Shannon, August Greene, Aaron Spears The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Annette Bening, Wyatt Cenac, Daniel Boulud The Late Late Show with James Corden: Bill Hader, Gabrielle Union, X Ambassadors Jimmy Kimmel Live: Alden Ehrenreich, Ben Falcone, 2 Chainz featuring YG and Offset Conan: Tracee Ellis Ross, Bush The Daily Show: Rep. Joaquin Castro The Opposition with Jordan Klepper: Anthony Scaramucci Watch What Happens Live: Carol Burnett

 

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