‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Sashay … away.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Runaway Runway”
April 17, 2018

We begin the finale at Dorit’s fashion show where the stakes are VERY HIGH because “The Press” and “influencers” are going to be in attendance. And if I ever worry about — or even use — the phrase “influencers” unironically, just go ahead and throw me into an involuntary 72-hour psychiatric hold because something is very wrong.

Upon arriving at the fashion show site, Dorit is Very Relieved to see that the guy who is actually running the fashion show was able to find a way to drag some 19-foot-tall palm trees into the building because HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FASHION SHOW FOR SOMETHING CALLED “BEVERLY BEACH” WITHOUT LIVE PALM TREES? WHAT WOULD THE INFLUENCERS THINK IF THERE WERE NO LIVE PALM TREES?

While Dorit and PK flap around nervously, everyone else gets dressed and heads over to the fashion show. It is exactly as interesting as it sounds.

ramona asleep rhony reunion

Everyone arrives and mills about in the cocktail lounge area, including Camille who shows off a brand new engagement ring. Yay for Camille! As Lisa Vanderpump VanderPoints out, it’s been a rough road for Camille: first she was married to that turd Kelsey Grammar, and then she was with the shitty abusive boyfriend who was beating her up while SHE RECOVERED FROM LADY CANCER. So good for her that she is going to marry this nice man who didn’t even blink when Dorit started screaming at her about dildos.

Once everyone has arrived, Dorit’s dumb curtain drops, revealing the runway which is … just a runway? Like, haven’t all the people and “influencers” seen a runway before? Isn’t it a bit melodramatic to hang a giant curtain, call everyone’s attention to the curtain, drop the curtain only to reveal that there’s not actually anything behind the curtain … but a runway?

Anyway, the fashion show, it happens. There are bathing suits. There are one-piece bathing suits and there are two-piece bathing suits and there is an occasional cover-up. The end.

teresa shrug rhonj no

After the show, once Dorit has air-kissed all of “The Press” and the “Influencers,” she joins the other women for drinks so they can shower her with praise for a job well done.

And then Kyle — knowing full well what she is doing and presumably with Lisa’s VanderBlessing — asks Dorit and Lisa Vanderpump when their issue of Beverly Hills Lifestyle is coming out. In response, Vanderpump has to VanderSigh, “wellllll …” before going on to explain that because Dorit hated the photoshoot so much, the magazine decided to cut her head off of all of the photos they are going to use — or at least the ones they didn’t hire an entirely different model for. Dorit correctly notes that it is AWFULLY VANDERSHITTY for Lisa to only be mentioning it now, but it is when Kyle starts asking Lisa Vanderpump why she didn’t ask her to model for some D-List free magazine that Dorit is able to turn her anger that should be directed at Lisa towards Kyle.

And before we move on to the next fight, allow me to pause here for a moment to point out there is NO CHANCE Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump didn’t coordinate this whole Beverly Hills Lifestyle foofooraw. After all, why do something out of spite like cut your friend out of a magazine spread if they never find out about it in a humiliating fashion?

“WOW,” Dorit growls, before asking if Kyle has some unresolved issues about their friendship.

Kyle:

Kyle then bitches again about the dinner in Erika’s hotel room in which Dorit essentially accused her of being behind Erika’s anger about Pantygate, and Dorit is all, “WHOA WHOA WHOA — you said in the bus we were cool, so we’re not cool?” And Kyle is all, “Well, I realized that we needed some sort of conflict for the season finale so I decided to be mad about this thing even though it is a dumb thing that we all moved past two years ago.”

Kyle then waits for Erika to jump in and scream at Dorit that it is not Kyle’s fault that she was so upset during Pantygate, but Erika misses her cue because WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW, and Kyle, in a huff, kisses Dorit goodbye passive-aggressively before collecting a confused Mauricio and taking her leave from the party.

After Kyle leaves, Teddi explains to Erika that Kyle was looking for her to defend her with a whole, “Pantygate was not Kyle’s fault and HOW DARE YOU FOR SAYING SO,” thing and Erika is all, “Oh shit, is that what was going on? Because I definitely did not get that particular script note.” And as Dorit pouts about Kyle ruining another of her “big nights” everyone goes home, the end.

A series of interludes:

For reasons that are never explained, Harry Hamlin has his hair cut in their backyard. There, Rinna tells Harry Hamlin and the hairdresser that she is the “Yoda” of the group this season. Which I suppose is a fair comparison since she and Yoda are roughly the same age.

Teddi and Kyle exercise in some park in Beverly Hills, where Kyle whines some more about “everyone kissing ass,” before explaining that she is hosting everyone at her new home to watch the pilot episode of American Woman, coming soon on the Paramount Network!

Elsewhere, Lisa and Grandpa Ken play with their newest rescue, Monroe Binky Boo. That’s it. They play with a dog.

Finally, Kyle’s American Woman viewing party. Because she’s having a bunch of friends over to her den to watch a 30-minute (22-minute) sitcom, Kyle obviously brought in her party planner to arrange on giant platters a bunch of appetizers that none of the women are going to eat. But curiously, Kyle doesn’t have him bring over a set of champagne glasses — which seems like an easy-enough thing for a party planner to do — because once everyone has arrived, she begins serving them champagne in margarita glasses and port glasses and tumblers and plant pots and thimbles and dog bowls.

The women toast the fashion show before toasting American Woman. Kyle then sorta apologizes to Dorit for venting her frustrations at Dorit’s fashion show, adding that she is sorry the night ended that way. To this, Erika adds that she is sorry she didn’t make it clear that she does not blame Kyle for Pantygate, and everyone is like “JESUS, CAN WE MOVE ON FROM THIS FIGHT FROM 17 YEARS AGO ALREADY?” Dorit agrees to, but then in voice-over, all but promises to save what she’s really thinking for the reunion.

Kyle gives the ladies a tour of the house.

Kyle then plays American Woman for the ladies, and she and Teddi cry during the scene when Kyle’s mother tells Little Kyle and Little Kim that their father is a cheating scumbag, while the other women are like, “Uhhhh … have you shown this to your sisters, Kyle?” Kyle admits that she has not, and the rest of the ladies are all:

But everyone hugs her and says they “support her” and that’s how the season ends, not with a bang but with yet another kiss on the ass.

And there’s nothing left to do but the epilogues:

Over Christmas, Kyles new house was burglarized. Nearly all of her watches, handbags, and jewelry were stolen, including irreplaceable items that belonged to her mother. Nothing has been recovered.
All of Dorit’s swimsuits are named after her girlfriends. “The Erika” was featured in “Sports Illustrated” and “The LVP” was sold out within days. The “Teddi Bear” never made it into production … maybe next season?
In addition to her “momager” duties, Lisa is also planing her mom’s 90sh birthday party in June. Lois promises to sing and dance… as long as Erika helps with the choreography and vocal coaching.
Erika’s book debuted at number 9 on the New York Times bestseller list. While promoting her book, Erika revealed she spends $40,000 a month on everything it takes be Erika Jayne. It’s Xxpensive to be her!
Teddi and her family moved into a new 4,300 square foot house down the street. They got it for only $4 million which was nearly $2 million under asking price. Apparently, Teddi’s frugality paid off … or she’s just a shrewd negotiator.
Lisa’s rescue enter has placed over 500 dogs in new homes (including hers). Lisa has no plans to adopt any more dogs … as long as she has grandchildren to play with soon.

Well, darlings, I had hoped to have been all caught up by the final reunion episode — but obviously I was too distracted by The Press and influencers busily influencing me to make it in time. However, I will get to the reunions this week, I promise on the life of Saint Giggy.

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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