So, apparently, Arie the Bachelor has a needle dick. Just reporting what I heard, folks.

The Bachelor
“Women Tell All”
February 25, 2018

It’s time for the traditional “Women Tell All” special (or it was a few days ago — thanks to the Olympics my schedule is all screwy still, and all of this is a little bit out of order), in which the eliminated women scream at each other, scream at Chris Harrison and scream at The Bachelor, as if any of it means anything and they ever really had a chance to win this thing. (They never did.)

We begin, oddly enough, with a montage of “Women Tell All” specials past, which COULD WE NOT? I am not here to relive moments from Farmer Teeth’s season or This Asshole’s season. Just get on with it. Pass out the pitchforks and torches, bring out Krystal with a K and let’s get on with it.

The women joining us for this walk down memory lane are:

  • Who?
  • Pebbles
  • Some Blond
  • Indiana Lauren
  • Texas Lauren
  • Trauma Care
  • Hot Wheels
  • Miss Masala
  • Foot Fetish
  • Flag Girl
  • Krystal with a K
  • The Challenger
  • Realtor
  • Manguita
  • Grendel’sMotherr
  • Pixie Manic Dream Girl
  • Too Good for Arie
  • Sooey, Jr.

And honestly, I remember none of the women on the back row. Oliv-Who? Exactly.

After some toothless small talk, Chris Harrison begins with an argument that I didn’t even realize happened this season: Miss Masala accusing Grendel’s Mother of “glam-shaming” her. Apparently, when they were in Lake Tahoe on the group hiking-and-eating-worms date, Grendel’s Mother told Arie Bobby that Miss Masala worried about her appearance and was checking out a mirror all the time. Arie Bobby asked Miss Masala about it, and an argument was born. Miss Masala says Grendel’s Mother made her feel “glam-shamed;” Grendel’s Mother argues that she couldn’t make her feel “glam-shamed” because “glam-shaming” ISN’T A THING. This becomes a back and forth amongst all of the women, whether or not “glam-shaming” is a thing or is not a thing, and it only ends when Grendel’s Mother offers Miss Masala a compact as a peace offering. Miss Masala does not accept it.

OK, so here’s the thing: I am one of those women who never learned how to properly apply makeup, and also, too, I am SUPER lazy, so the only times I ever try wearing makeup are in high heel situations (which are only worn in makeup situations, which are rare to never). And I am not one of those Judgey von Judgersons who thinks not wearing makeup makes me more serious or intelligent — if anything, I feel like the dumb one who never learned how to wear it, especially now as I age.

So from a completely “glam-free” position, let me affirmatively declare that “glam-shaming” is ABSOLUTELY a thing. Because there are Judgey McJudgersons out there who do not wear makeup who believe it makes them superior to those who do — I know them, they believe I’m a part of their tribe. So, yes, while Grendel’s Mother might also be a model who also wears makeup, it is silly and naive to think she wasn’t trying to suggest to Arie Bobby that Miss Masala was anything but more shallow, more vain and less serious because she was worried about how her hair and makeup were holding up.

Chris Harrison asks Sooey, Jr. about throwing Pixie under the “Too Young” bus, and she explains that after The Challenger left, Pixie said some things that made her question if she was really ready to be married or if she had enough romantic experience. Pixie is all, “EXCUSE ME, YOU DON’T KNOW ME OR THE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE BEEN IN. I’VE BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE, WITH MEN WHO TREATED ME LIKE A QUEEN. YOU YOURSELF ADMIT THAT YOU’VE ONLY DATED ASSHOLES, SO MAYBE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO LACKS RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCE.” Snap x 1,000.

One of the anonymous blondes women in the back defends Pixie, saying that as one of the oldest contestants — at an ancient 31 — she was drawn to Pixie’s maturity. Pixie builds on this, noting that it was frustrating to constantly have her “readiness” be questioned, especially considering she has better communication and conflict resolution skills than someone like Krystal with a K who is 29. How is it her fault she was born in 1995? (1995?MY SOUL JUST WITHERED AND DIED. I AM A GHOST NOW.)

Also, she’s not wrong.

Speaking of Krystal with a K, Manguita comes after her for being such an insecure interrupting bitch, and Krystal with a K tries to argue that she only interrupted Manguita’s time with Arie Bobby — three times — because she was genuinely concerned about Magnuita. I mean, this right here, this isn’t some choice bullshit, this is some grade A prime bullshit. Well done, Krystal with K. I salute you.

Speaking of Krystal with a K, she’s invited to the “hot seat” where, in her little “Remember What a Garbage Monster Krystal with a K Was?” montage, we are shown some never-before-seen footage from after The Bowling Incident. In this footage, Krystal with a K rants at some other woman that her life, “IS FUCKING AMAZING AND AWESOME. AND IT’S ON HOLD FOR WHAT? SOME BLEEP? I’M SORRY, I DATE MEN, NOT LITTLE FANCY PANTS. WE WERE GOING TO HAVE FIVE PEOPLE JOIN US SO I COULD MAKE OUT WITH THE BLEEP.”

And boy howdy, whatever she said, the women were shocked by it:


Krystal with a K insists that she’s the real victim here, the whole experience was REALLY HARD and it wore her down and so yeah, Chris Harrison, maybe she stumbled here and there. As for not telling the other women about her one-on-one date with Arie Bobby, she was just focusing on her relationship with Arie Bobby, not the other women. And, again, let’s remember who the real victim is here, as she felt VERY OSTRACIZED by the other women.

Too Good pops in and was like, “No ma’am. You can’t sit here and say you tried to make nice, when we ALL SAW what you said in your interviews about being better than all of us.” Another woman points out that Krystal with a K was awful and condescending and what about saying all of those things about wanting Too Good to be sent home? “IT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME,” Krystal with a K counters. And Pixie is like, “THEN BE REAL ABOUT IT. Quit trying to curate an image of yourself as someone who is all zen and chill because YOU ARE NOT.”

At this point, Realtor comes out of nowhere and is all, “I liked you at first, I wanted to be your friend, but then you turned out to be a fucking sociopath who called all the other women ‘cunts’ behind their backs.” In response, Krystal with a K would like to remind everyone again that she’s the real victim here, since Realtor made fun of her behind her back, too. Of course, that was all in response to Krystal with a K acting like a sociopath, but alright, fair point.

As for her bowling date meltdown, she was really hurt, you guys, and you can’t judge anyone’s behavior if they were really hurt. That’s just the law.

Manguita has a question for the lady: “How do you know Arie Bobby has a bleep? Did you see his bleep?” Thanks to these context clues, I believed that when Krystal with a K had been bleeped earlier, she was saying “tiny dick.” But, no, dear reader, it was so much better than that:


~Italian chef kiss~

Is it too late to change his nickname?

As for her talking shit about the other women being desperate and hanging on Needle Dick in group dates, she regrets nothing, Chris Harrison.

Who? has a question for the lady: “You’re talking normally now. What’s up with that? What happened to the sexy baby voice?”

And this crazy bitch, she has the cojones to tell Chris Harrison with a straight face that she had lost her voice while she was on the show. For 6 weeks.

Before she leaves the couch, Krystal with a K shares some happy news: her homeless brother saw her on the show and was inspired to return to their family and try to live like a normal person. So her martyrdom to this show, her great sacrifice, it was all worth it in the end.

Next in the “hot seat”: Too Good for Needle Dick who explains that while she was surprised to be cut, it was for the best because there was no way she was ever going to marry an uneducated former race car driver and move to fucking Scottsdale. She then talks about the importance of representation, and, yes, Chris Harrison, she’d be happy to be the next Bachelorette, if they’re asking.

There is no chance she will be the next Bachelorette, there is NO CHANCE IN HELL we will have back-to-back African-American Bachelorettes, but I’ll be God damned if she shouldn’t be.

Our Pixie Manic Dream Girl is the next woman to talk to Chris Harrison, where she basically repeats what she had said earlier about being frustrated over being judged for her age, ESPECIALLY when some of the women judging her were only 23, 24, 25 years old themselves. However, she knew that once Needle Dick found out how old she was that she was doomed, especially when he COULDN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

As for Sooey, Jr., this asshole right here, Sooey, Jr. explains that Pixie had made a comment about how there weren’t any men back home that she wanted to date, which suggested to her that Pixie wasn’t at the same place she was with Needle Dick. Of course, Sooey, Jr. has no say in where Pixie and Needle Dick’s relationship is or isn’t. But Pixie lets her off the hook with this explanation, so fine.

We also talk about Pixie’s adventures on the Missing Persons list, and call her mother to let her know where her daughter is at the moment.

Oh and despite my earlier insistence that she STAY OUT OF MEXICO, this dumb dummy is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. GIRL, NO, YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THAT SWEAT AND TEQUILA-FILLED PETRI DISH.

The last woman to join Chris Harrison is Sooey, Jr. who goes on and on about her heartbreak and how much she loved Needle Dick and how shocked she was to not be chosen and, yes, Chris Harrison, she’d be happy to be the next Bachelorette, if they’re asking.

There is a MUCH better chance Sooey Jr. will be the next Bachelorette than there is that Too Good will be — that is, unlessNeedle Dick pulls a Wombat next week and chooses no one, in which case Ring Bearer is TOTALLY going to be the next Bachelorette, and the Producers are working the phones RIGHT NOW to bring Ross back.

Finally, Chris Harrison brings Needle Dick out to the couch where he is first confronted by Sooey Jr. over being sent home before Taxiderpy. And Needle Dick is like, “Because I wanted to have sex with Taxiderpy more than I wanted to have sex with you? I was further along in my relationship with her than I was with you.”

The Challenger defends him against people who thought he was asking her to give up pursuing her Ph.D. to be with him, arguing that he was, in fact, supportive of her ambitions. And this idiot, he’s all, “Exactly. And also, too, I want to get married and have kids immediately, so you totally would have to have given up working on your Ph.D. had we stayed together.”

As for Pixie, she wishes that Needle Dick had more faith in her, and he’s like, “Welp, I didn’t. So.”

And then Realtor, the MVP of this “Women Tell All” special busts out with: “This whole time, you’ve said that you are here because you are trying to find a wife. I know what you did, and I don’t know how you could do that. I just really don’t understand. But I really hope you found what you’re looking for.”

There are some reports out there that Realtor was pissed off because Needle Dick played a mixtape she made for him while he was in the Fantasy Suite with Ring Bearer, but I’m here to tell you without spoiling anything: that ain’t it. All will become clear next week.

Krystal with a K demands to come up on the couch with Needle Dick where she demands to know why he was so cold to her in their goodbye, and Needle Dick is like, “Bitch, are you kidding me? Have you been watching you this season? You were fucking awful to everyone and I just regret not sending you home earlier.”

Krystal with a K pulls her “you can’t judge me because I was hurt” bullshit again, adding that she is sorry for some of the things she said, at which point, Chris Harrison reveals that Arie Bobby doesn’t know that she called him a “Needle Dick.” The entire audience and all of the women begin a fevered chant of “PLAY THE CLIP! PLAY THE CLIP! PLAY THE CLIP! PLAY THE CLIP! PLAY THE CLIP!” and I feel very alive.

Play the clip, Chris Harrison. Play. The. Clip.

Sadly, they do not play the clip, instead shooing Krystal with a K off the couch to make room for John Cena, Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholtz to promote some movie I am never going to see and which I refuse to promote beyond saying that this happened. Also, there are bloopers, but I don’t do bloopers.

Alright — brace yourselves for next week. We apparently have three hours of a finale on Monday — just the finale, not the finale and then an “After the Final Rose” special, all 3 hours are finale. The “After the Final Rose” is going to air on Tuesday night, that’s how big this is.

And methinks you’re going to want to keep that pitchfork out and have plenty of torch fuel at the ready for Mr. Needle Dick over here.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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