‘The Bachelor’: Ménage à trois

The Bachelor
February 5, 2018

Before we get started, HAS EVERYONE CALLED THEIR MOTHERS? ARE THE COPS GOING TO BE CALLED IF WE GO FORWARD? DOES EVERYONE’S FAMILY KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE RIGHT NOW?

Good, let’s go to Paris.

After we go through the usual reminders that Paris is the “most romantic city around” (disagree), The women arrive in Paris where the producers had the forethought to separate them from the general population and keep them on a hotel boat on the Seine. Chris Harrison soon arrives to explain that this week will be jam packed with dates: one group date, two one-on-one dates, and one two-on-one date.

And Krystal with a K, who has obviously watched this show before, knows exactly who will be on the two-on-one: she will,  and she’s THRILLED about it. Obviously, Krystal with a K has not watched every season of this show, because if she had, she’d know that this is actually not great news for her and that as the villain, she’s about to be humiliated in a ritual act of catharsis for the viewers.

GIRL, IT’S A TRAP!

Chris Harrison leaves the first date card: “Virginia Lauren: tomber amoureaux à Paris.” After some squealing and jealous glares, Arie Bobby appears on the boat to take Virginia Lauren on their Very Romantic Date.

The two proceed to walk, in silence, to Notre Dame, whose beauty and magnitude moves Virginia Lauren to mumble, “wow.” They then walk, in silence, down the Left Bank where they pass a cheese stand, and Arie Bobby makes some sort of comment about how they eat similar cheese in Holland. This elicits a “wow” from Virginia Lauren. They then continue to walk, in silence, to a bench to take in the view of some grand Parisian building, prompting Virginia Lauren to mutter, once more, “wow.”

That’s it. That’s the entirety of what she has to say on the front end of the date: “wow.”

Wow.

Dating Tips from Your Bachelor Blogger:

I actually feel for Virginia Lauren here, she’s clearly a shy person who struggles to make conversation when she’s nervous. But as a fellow shy person (shut up, I am, you don’t know), I have found the best way to deal with my social anxiety is to ask the other person tons of questions about themselves: How long did your family live in Holland? Why did you choose to live in Arizona of all God-forsaken places? How many race car helmets are too many? Do you think the producers are going to drain you of personality during their edit of this season like they do with all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes, because I remember you being a lot funnier and more spritely during St. Emily’s season? That sort of thing.

This accomplishes two goals: 1. it takes the attention off of you and 2. it makes the other person think you’re SO COOL because everyone loves talking about themselves.

Or, alternatively, and this is going to sound crazy, but Arie Bobby could have been the one to ask her questions to make her more comfortable. But that would require Arie Bobby to actually be interested in the inner lives of these women, so that’s not going to happen.

Before the dinner portion of the date, some producer clearly sat Virginia Lauren down and was like, “YOU CAN NOT JUST SAY ‘WOW’ TO EVERYTHING, DAMMIT. NOW GET IN THERE AND MAKE UP SOME SOB STORY ABOUT WHY YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE ‘OPENING UP’ TO HIM.” Virginia Lauren obliges, mumbling something about a broken engagement and how her parents had a difficult marriage and it’s given her trust issues and that’s why she was physically incapable of making small talk while wandering the streets of one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

This inspires Arie Bobby to tell Virginia Lauren a mysterious story about himself and how his longest relationship ended: she was a single mother with two kids and pregnant with his child when one day she became fed up with his racing schedule, called him while he was out of town, told him she had lost the baby and that she wouldn’t be there when he came home.

I have many questions; mostly, “What? Wait, what? Seriously, go back, what?”

But instead of getting bogged down in that, I’m just going to point out that per my earlier dating tip, Arie Bobby managed to take a non-story about Virginia Lauren and make it about himself. And this is good enough for Arie Bobby who is only looking to be with someone who is 1. hot and 2. doesn’t make him uncomfortable. He offers her the date rose.

Back at the hotelboat, the second date card arrives as one woman announces that she’s so nervous “[her] ass is about to fall out of [her] ass.” That’s … yeah, that’s not how anatomy works.

“Ring Bearer; Too Good for Arie; Pixie Manic Dream Girl; Sooey, Jr.; Grendel’s Mother; Foot Fetish: Let’s get all dressed up.”

The women, who are convinced they are headed to a fashion show, are instead brought to the Moulin Rouge and there is so. much. screaming. The women are told they are going to learn a dance routine, and then put on mortifyingly skimpy outfits in which they will perform the routine. Arie Bobby will then choose one woman with whom he will perform that night  — and by “perform,” I mean “put on a dumb cape and poorly lip sync a few lines in front of a bunch of confused Chinese tourists.”

Break out Olivia Munn’s black box, because we’re gonna be making a lot of use of it tonight:

So the ladies strap on their thongs and do their dance-prance thing and after all of that, Arie Bobby announces that the date rose will not be handed out based on dancing ability but instead on the individual conversations, begging the question, “WHAT THE FUCK HAVE WE BEEN DOING HERE, THEN?”

Of course, that could be asked about any date, but I digress.

After the worthless auditions, Arie Bobby “chats with” (chews on their tongues) the women individually, and eventually awards Pixie the date rose.

SO DEFINITELY WORTH IT, RIGHT, RING BEARER?

Oh, and Pixie’s mom? WE FOUND HER! She was wearing a blonde wig and was dancing half-naked in Paris so I can see how you became confused.

Back on the hotelboat, the next date card arrives: “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes: Krystal with a K and Taxiderpy.” And Krystal with a K is all “AWW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS. I AM WIFE MATERIAL, BITCHES.”

Which is awfully confident coming from a woman wearing this:

The threesome goes to a French chateau where they reenact The Shining in a hedge maze for a while before Arie Bobby takes each of them aside to chat.

First up: Krystal with a K, whom Arie Bobby assures was not brought on this date as punishment for being SUCH AN ASSHOLE in Florida. Except it kinda was? Because the next thing out of his mouth is that the whole being SUCH AN ASSHOLE in Florida thing left him with a lot of questions, like whether or not she would be SUCH AN ASSHOLE in the future if they were to fight about something. Krystal with a K promises him that she’ll never be SUCH AN ASSHOLE again, and this dummy is like, “Welp! Good enough for me!” and begins shoving his tongue down her throat.

But then two seconds later, Krystal with a K begins asking why Taxiderpy is on the two-on-one date with her? Because, like, Taxiderpy has, um, never been in love? And maybe that suggests that, mmm, Taxiderpy isn’t capable of love? Or maybe that she’s like, not deserving of love? And that maybe she should like, never be given a chance to fall in love? And that she like, mmm, should totally be condemned to live her life alone?

And this dumb dummy, he falls for it, because when he takes Taxiderpy aside, he’s all, “Tell me more about how you’ve never been in love and that is why you shouldn’t ever be given a chance to fall in love because that logic is making a certain amount of sense to me right now.” And Taxiderpy is like, “Oh, come on, dude.”

Taxiderpy goes back to Krystal with a K and is like, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE?” Krystal with a K is all, “I mean, why are you here?” And Taxiderpy has to justify wanting to “find love” before she explains to Krystal with a K that she once dated someone like her, and what she learned from that experience is that being hurtful doesn’t mean you win, it just means you hurt someone.

Taxiderpy, bless her, then empathizes with Krystal with a K, explaining that she knows Krystal with a K has been through a lot and carries all of that pain with her, which is why she ACTS LIKE SUCH A GODDAMNED MONSTER ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME tries to control everything.

And then Arie Bobby, who had been held back by the producers, returns and explains that he’s not ready to give the date rose just yet.

They are then sent to some restaurant with a killer view of the Eiffel Tower, where before Arie Bobby arrives, Krystal with a K first tells Taxiderpy that it’s unfortunate that they didn’t have a chance to connect, but that what she said at the Chateau was patronizing. And Taxiderpy is like, “Dude, whatever, let’s just focus on our individual relationships with Arie Bobby because we will never have to speak to each other ever again after tonight (except at the “Women Tell All”).”

Arie Bobby arrives, and Krystal with a K with her stupid little baby voice, tells Arie that she and “Taxiderpy have just been talking about how magical and worth it all of this has been, mmmm…” Arie Bobby is like, “Huh. Cool. Hey, Taxiderpy, let’s go talk,” and leads her away while Krystal with a K burbles on about destiny.

They return to the table where Arie Bobby explains that this was difficult, but he thought about everything, and yeah, Krystal with a K, you’re just such an asshole, so I’m offering the date rose to Taxiderpy.

… AHEM, I mean, goodbye, Krystal with a K. Everyone saw this coming but you, it would seem. I am actually going to miss you, because this shit is going to get real boring without you prissing around making trouble. MAKE HER THE BACHELORETTE, GUYS.

But a word of advice to all future contestants: if you look around and can’t figure out who the villain is? You’re the villain. And if you’re the villain and you are going on the two-on-one? YOU’RE THE ONE GOING HOME.

That’s just math.

For the final date, Arie Bobby picks The Challenger up for a date in a classic Triumph, which promptly breaks down before they even leave the dock. Arie, trying to show off, tries to fix it and fails while The Challenger says dumb things like “it’s really hot when guys who know things about things do things about things.”*

But unfortunately, Arie Bobby is not actually able to do things about things and they take a cab into the city. There, they buy her a dress. After, they walk to a nearby restaurant.

But just barely:

Over dinner, The Challenger tells Arie Bobby that she was worried that he wasn’t into her, since she’s never received a group date rose, and he literally is like, “No no no, I was worried you were too smart for me because I’m a dumb dum-dum. And I just want to be with someone who is 1. hot and 2. not going to make me uncomfortable.”

The Challenger does warn him that she still has six more years of graduate school ahead of her and after making a bunch of worrisome talk about not wanting to hold her back, Arie Bobby offers her the date rose, the end.

Finally, the rose ceremony, which we barely have time to squeeze into the episode:

Rose #1: Sooey, Jr.

Rose #2: Too Good for Arie

Rose #3: Ring Bearer

Which means, goodbye, Foot Fetish. I’m not surprised you’re headed back to the States, we never really got to know you, aside from your drunken straddling of Arie Bobby at the cocktail parties. Which didn’t exactly make you “make it to the hometowns” material.

But I am a little more surprised that you’re going home, Grendel’s Mother. For one, you were given the villain edit early on, but for another, there is usually a lot more hand-wringing when it comes to single parent contestants on this show; a lot more, “let’s talk about my children,” “am I keeping them from their children,” “are you ready to be a parent to my children?” “when are you going to meet my children?”

In any event, I’m sorry to see you go, especially at the same time as Krystal with a K. Now who am I supposed to root against?

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

*Actual quote.

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