‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Double Oh Nooooo

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Birthday Fever”
January 30, 2018

Erika and Kyle go shopping for clothes they do not need so as to gossip about how Erika and Dorit are friends now, and ohbytheway, Dorit is throwing P.K. a “007” surprise birthday party that will take up the majority of this episode. Also, Mr. Girardi is going to have his stitches removed, so yay. Also, Erika compares herself to Pretty Woman, literally saying that she is “Pretty Woman,” but I’m not sure if she entirely understands that she just called herself a whore?

Rinna goes over her bananas schedule with some woman — I wasn’t paying attention to who she is because who really cares though — and learns that Harry Hamlin gave her daughter permission to get another Rottweiler puppy. Boy, this “Nicest Fucking Lisa Rinna” is really bringing the riveting storylines this season.

Lisa Vanderpump, meanwhile, takes Teddi to ride horses down in Del Mar, but really to serve up some tea. Literally and figuratively. After their ride, Grandpa Ken brings down an entire tea service, and the three discuss Teddi’s beach house that she is reluctant to invite the ladies to considering that one lady who shall go unnamed, fusses over stemware. Teddi is anxious that her humble beach house and her hostessing will not be up to Lady Who Shall Go Unnamed’s standards. Lisa and Grandpa attempt to VanderGuess whom Teddi is referring, and dismiss Dorit out of hand because she’s not uptight like that.

Sometime later, Lisa meets with Dorit on the yacht where Dorit plans to throw P.K.’s surprise party. Dorit helpfully explains this party will cost somewhere between a Range Rover and a Rolls Royce — and really, is there a better example of just how out of touch with real people these assholes are that they use luxury cars as currency calculators?

Other elements of this party:

  • All of P.K.’s family and dear friends flown in from London
  • Casino Games
  • Martini ice luges
  • Caviar bars
  • A cigar bar
  • Showgirls
  • A helicopter ride to a helipad boat
  • A “speedboat” from the helipad boat to the yacht
  • And, hilariously, a duet between Boy George and Dorit

As to this last bullet point, Lisa Vanderpump has a strong — and VanderValid — reaction:

Dorit assures Lisa that it’ll be fine! Erika has agreed to help her with the choreography, to which Lisa VandeReplies:

Lisa then VanderCoyly mentions that she went horseback riding with Teddi, who mentioned that someone was a real asshole at her party the other day, and got all bent out of shape about being served champagne in a wine glass. Dorit is like, “OH MY GOD THAT WAS ME, AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER THAT SHE DOESN’T USE THE RIGHT STEMWARE?” And then Dorit has the audacity to claim that Teddi is the uptight one.

Speaking of Teddi, Kyle and Mauricio have dinner with Teddi and Edwin where they bond over Spanish-speaking esposos and John Cougar Mellencamp stories.

There’s some bullshit time-filler where Dorit tries to hide from P.K. her surprise party plans. I don’t care.

There’s also some bullshit time-filler where Kyle and Rinna talk about the upcoming party and how it’s on a boat and how they, as a group, don’t do great on boats. Also, Teddi is super anxious about the women coming to her beach house, and I would be too.

Erika and her LadySitter go to a rehearsal for Dorit’s big performance and teach her some sexxxxy moves, like the “bend and snap” and the “walk away.” SEXXXXXXY.

Finally, it’s time for the big party, and P.K. is under the impression that he and Dorit are just going out for dinner. So he’s surprised when he comes out of the shower to find his wife in a ball gown, having laid out his tuxedo for him to wear. Dorit then puts him in a limo, they drive to an airport and hop on the helicopter.

Meanwhile, everyone boards the yacht, including Dorit and P.K.’s parents.

The helicopter takes P.K. and Dorit to the helipad boat, and from there, they take a zodiac (not a speedboat) over to the waiting yacht.

And the only way to make any of this funny is to remember that this is all very expensive 007 cosplay because Dorit considers P.K. “her James Bond.”

Once on the yacht, P.K. sees his parents whom he doesn’t get to see very often and bursts into tears. And even I, a hardcore P.K. hater, has to admit that it was very moving. I’m not an emotionless monster. Most of the time.

Partypartypartywhatever.

And then Dorit slips away to change into her performance outfit and to get a couple last tips from Erika before heading down to the stage to perform a very flat version of “Fever” with Boy George. Look, I’m not saying that I would have had the cojones to do it, but I’m also not an attention whore on a reality show. And my only point is she maybe should have been less concerned with the dance moves and more concerned with actually hitting the actual notes.

Partypartypartywhatever.

At some point, Dorit invites Teddi to sit for a chat about the fact that she heard from Vanderpump that Teddi was upset because Dorit was upset about stemware. Teddi is like, “Look, we’re different people, and I think we just need to be cool with that.” Because WHO CARES. Really though.

But then Kyle and Vanderpump VanderButt in to add their two cents. Vanderpump Vandersplains to Teddi (which is very similar to mansplaining, actually) that they wouldn’t have different kinds of glasses if they weren’t meant for specific and different kinds of liquids and Teddi is like, “Thanks for the VanderCondescension!” Dorit insists that the different glasses are just ETIQUETTE and ANYWAY she said it to the WAITER, NOT TEDDI. Kyle tries to back Teddi up a little, only to be asked by Dorit if she’s Teddi’s “mouthpiece,” and conveniently forgetting that she just had Vanderpump VanderBackHerUp not two seconds ago.

Teddi sighs that it was frustrating to try to talk to Dorit, but only to have Dorit so focused on the dumb glass, to which Dorit accuses Teddi of not just exaggerating, but flat out lying. Dorit then begins calling Teddi “psycho,” which Teddi handles a lot more calmly than I would have, asking that they just get over it. But Dorit refuses to get over it if Teddi is just going to “act like a psycho bitch.” In response, Teddi offers Dorit a hug and says her goodbyes for the night, a response that is, again, much more calm than mine would have been, but maybe she just wanted off of the damn boat already.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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