The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Wham, Glam, Thank You, Ma’am”
January 23, 2018
So clearly Kyle gave Lisa Vanderpump the VanderHeadsUp that the lawsuit against Grandpa Ken had been mentioned on camera by Rinna (because bringing up someone else’s financial or legal issues ON CAMERA is the highest of high crimes in the reality world), because we begin this episode at VanderPets with Grandpa Ken, Lisa and some VanderEmployee discussing the lawsit and how they are just going to let the VanderLawyers sort it out SO LET US NEVER VANDERDISCUSS IT AGAIN.
Also, Grandpa Ken wants to clone Giggy because who wouldn’t want to spend $50,000 for an exact replica of an overbred dog with alopecia?
Teddi has her face lasered at the face lasering place, mostly as a means to explain that she’s invited the other women over to her house for a face lasering party.
Elsewhere, Kyle swings by the studio to pretend that she actually is doing something on this American Woman show of hers by talking at the people who are actually running it, and to show us a brief clip. You guys … it doesn’t look good. I mean, I will give it a shot when it finally airs this summer, but based on this clip, I’m not expecting to give it a series pass on my DVR.
In Dorit’s world, P.K.’s birthday is coming up, so Dorit brings Erika with her to ostensibly buy him a car — specifically a Pagani, which is a car I had never heard of before this episode. The only reason that is notable is that I am the mother of a walking car encyclopedia who knows more about cars than any person I have ever met — before he could read, he was identifying car makes by their logos — and who has, I had thought, told me about every car that has ever been made. Not that I have asked him to.
But what was I saying? OH RIGHT, Erika and Dorit “shop” for a Pagani, which is a $3 million car, and which Dorit has no intention to actually buy, and in fact, does not. And what I’m saying is that I’m fairly certain this entire exercise is just so that Dorit can suggest that she’s wealthy enough to spend $3 million on a car but just chooses not to.
Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin have a long boring conversation about their daughter moving to New York City, but Rinna assures Harry Hamlin that she’ll be safe from sex monsters because Rinna has put both of their daughters into a “protective bubble of white light.”
Over at VanderPets, Kyle brings her dog for a grooming appointment, an appointment that Lisa deliberately VanderCancelled for
some wacky TV hijinks larffs.
After they bathe Kyle’s very unhappy dog, Lisa and Kyle briefly discuss the VanderLawsuit, and Kyle assures her that it’s not becoming a “thing” amongst the women. Lisa also mentions that she has invited Teddi to go horseback riding with her, so as t
o stir the pot get to the bottom of this issue she has with Dorit and the missing 54? or was it 6? minutes.
Finally, Teddi’s face laser party. Teddi reached out to Dorit and asked her to arrive at the party a little bit earlier than everyone else so that they can talk face-to-laser-face about the drink date and get past it already. Dorit, irritated — EVEN THOUGH SHE’S THE ASSHOLE HERE — agrees.
Upon arriving, Dorit asks for a glass of champagne, which is served in a wine glass, because Teddi’s party planner doesn’t know the difference between the two. But, also, who cares? Dorit then examines the face lasering equipment and declares that she will not be partaking, thanks, she just doesn’t trust Teddi’s people to not burn off her face.
That taken care of, the two women sit down to business: the drink date. Teddi opens by saying that the issue wasn’t that Dorit left her waiting for 54 minutes — to which Dorit objects. She didn’t. Teddi points out that Dorit called her at 4:48 when they were supposed to meet at 4, but Dorit argues with this, too. Teddi is like, “BITCH, I’M AN ACCOUNTABILITY COACH. IT IS LITERALLY MY JOB TO KEEP TRACK OF THE TIME.”
Dorit takes umbrage at the idea that she did anything wrong at all, and wonders how she “became the villain in all this?” before accusing Teddi in an interview of being overly sensitive.
Teddi then attempts to arrive at her original point: it’s not that Dorit was late, it’s that she then talked shit about Teddi being upset with her for being late with the other women. If Dorit had a problem, why didn’t she come to Teddi directly?
Dorit insists she only talked about it with Kyle, and anyway, what is she supposed to do, not blow up some tiny thing into a whole situation? THEY ARE ON A REALITY SHOW, DUMMY, THIS IS HOW THIS WORKS.
Teddi is like, “I just want this whole stupid thing to be over, I’m fine, I’ve let it go.” And with that, Dorit gets up to change her glass because how does anyone expect her to drink champagne out of a wine glass?
The other women begin arriving, and Dorit, so offended by the fact that she was served her drink in the wrong glass, proceeds to bitch at Rinna, of all people! about it, to which Rinna is like, “GURL, I HEAR YOU. I only drink champagne out of Red Solo Cups.”
Vanderpump then arrives, declaring that she arrived “on VanderTime!” and Teddi cuts her eyes at Dorit: “Oh, so you only talked about this with Kyle. I see.”
Rinna, delighted that she isn’t in trouble with anyone for once, stupidly says as much out loud, and Vanderpump is all, “VanderExcuse me? I heard you were talking about my VanderLawSuit just the other day.” Rinna points out that the lawsuit story was all over Page 6 and TMZ, so it’s not exactly like she was breaking news here. And Vanderpump chooses to let it VanderGo (at least for now).
There is some discussion about the drinks date and who said what about how late who was. It’s confusing and dumb. And that’s when Camille arrives, and Dorit is like, “OH GREAT, HERE’S ANOTHER PERSON I HAVE TO NOT APOLOGIZE TO.”
Except Dorit actually does seem genuinely ashamed of herself and makes a genuine apology to Camille, and while Camille isn’t exactly signing up to be a member of the Dorit fan club, she does make nicetime sounds when Dorit suggests they meet for lunch. “That’d be nice,” Camille says, “I’ll bring my strap-on.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.