‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Madam Magnum

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Reunion, Part 2”
January 24, 2018

We left the first half of the reunion on a cliffhanger: with Andy Cohen bringing the loathsome Kim D. out to the stage, and warning Teresa to not get up from the couch lest she be returned to meatball prison. Teresa assures him she will not, but not three seconds later, after Kim D. makes the dreaded “clink clink” motion:

clink clink rhonj

… Teresa leaps from her seat and everyone has to yell at her to SIT HER ASS DOWN, STUPIDO. MADONN’.

you-are-so-dumb

After we are reminded what POSCHE stands for according to Teresa (Piece of Shit Coke Whore Homewrecker Everyday or POSC(W)HE), Andy Cohen gives us the “Kim D. is a Cock-a-roach” montage.

A viewer asks Dolores what the hell happened? Last season she and Siggy were the peacekeepers on the show, and this year they most certainly were not. Dolores defends walking in the Posc(w)he fashion show, reminding the assembled that it was raising money for two families of young men who were murdered. In fact, the mother of one of the victims sent her a message thanking her for helping SO SHE’S NOT GOING TO DEFEND HERSELF ANYMORE.

A viewer asks Teresa if she has any words of wisdom about being Kim D.’s amica to share with Dolores — as if the “words of wisdom” and “Teresa Giudice” have any business being uttered in the same sentence — and Teresa just shrugs and tells Dolores to look at Kim D.’s record.

Kim D. counters that Teresa goes through friends like underwear, which is certainly a vivid image, but Dolores, who has been amici with Teresa for 20 years, argues otherwise. Teresa then mocks the fact that Siggy and Dolores only raised $1000 a piece at the Posc(w)he fashion show — which, to be fair to Siggy and Dolores, is still $2000 more than the families had before they walked in the fashion show — and she suggests that Kim D. was pocketing the cash, presumably to pay for her coke and homewrecking hobbies.

There’s a lot of screaming and carrying on as there always is on these things, into which Melissa attempts to bring a moment of calm. Using her inside voice, Melissa asks Kim D. if she can admit that she likes to stir the pot. When Kim D. agrees with this, Melissa tries to point out that when she stirs said pot, she too often goes for the jugular, and Andy Cohen adds that Kim D. hits below the belt, thoroughly mixing our metaphors into a completely unrecognizable mash.

Teresa begins screaming about her bambini and how they’ve been hurt by Kim D.’s words, and in return, Kim D. claims that Teresa’s words have hurt her son, too.

He’s 28.

Melissa asks Kim D. if this is who she wants to be, and Kim D. argues that it’s better than being a fraud. Teresa leaps on this, pointing out that if someone scoured Kim D.’s 1099s and W2, she’d be “clink clink too, bitch.” Teresa then has some questions for Kim D.:

  1. How does she pay for her Mercedes?
  2. How does she afford her house?
  3. How does she pay rent on Posc(w)he?

Because Teresa thinks she knows: Kim D. is running a “prostitution company” and is a “magnum.”

shocked rupaul dra grace eyeroll

And what’s more, Kim D. doesn’t do a convincing job of denying it, arguing that she isn’t a madam, but she wouldn’t have a problem with being one, either.

Argument against Kim D. being a madam: she’s suing Teresa for defamation for saying so at the reunion. Argument for Kim D. being a madam: in the interview about the lawsuit, she once again says, “I wish I was a madam!” WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU SAY THAT YOU WISHED YOU WERE A MADAM WHILE GIVING AN INTERVIEW ABOUT HOW BEING CALLED A MADAM DEFAMED YOUR CHARACTER? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT DEFAMATION IS?

I swear, these have to be the dumbest richest people in America who aren’t named “Trump.”

you-are-so-dumb

Kim D. then accuses Teresa and Melissa’s husbands of stealing from people, and Melissa spits back that Kim D. couldn’t get a man like Folletto if she were the last whore in America, which is very specific.

Teresa accuses Kim D. of being her now dead boyfriend’s mistress and breaking up his marriage, hence the “Homewrecker” part of Posc(w)he. (And all this time I thought Teresa was calling her a homewrecker for, you know, trying to wreck Teresa’s home. Who knew.) This clearly upsets Siggy, who reminds everyone that they live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else, and they should be careful with what they say about each other. To which almost everyone responds that Margaret also lives in this same community and Siggy has no problem attacking her, so.

Additionally, how would Siggy feel if Kim D. were going around saying that Mr. Siggy cheats on her, and Siggy is unable to even imagine such a thing being said about Mr. Siggy and is incapable of giving an answer.

With that, Andy Cohen tries to dismiss Kim D. before the cops are called, but Teresa demands that Danielle be given her two seconds to tell Kim D. whatfor. After all, why didn’t Kim D. protect Danielle from Teresa and Potatoee Face that time they attacked her at Kim D.’s first Posc(w)he fashion show? Was Kim D. really her friend or did she just use Square Tits to get on the show? Kim D. doesn’t really have an answer to any of this because, to Kim D.’s credit, she wasn’t the one ripping extensions out of Danielle’s head, and to Kim D.’s discredit, she ABSOLUTELY used Danielle and the rest of the women to be on the show, OBVIOUSLY.

And with that, Kim D. leaves the set.

wicked witch wizard of oz later bitches bye.gif

A viewer praises Siggy’s book which leads to the “Siggy is Siggy” montage. After, Siggy talks about possibly moving to Boca Raton, choosing Mr. Siggy over her work and the butt pellets. Because we were long overdue for an update on the butt pellets.

Another viewer points out that it is hypocritical to have plastic surgeons at a retreat about female empowerment, but Siggy argues that if plastic surgery is something that makes a woman feel better about herself, why not? Melissa suggests that not everyone can afford plastic surgery, to which Siggy says, “everyone has a credit card.” Because teaching people to find inner peace and self-confidence is much more difficult than encouraging them to charge their way into debt for a cosmetic fix. Very good relationship experting. Much empowering.

Andy Cohen asks the other women what they think of Siggy’s advice, and they agree that it’s good — but Margaret wishes that Siggy would take more of it herself. Siggy insists that she does practice what she preaches before launching into the attack on Margaret that she clearly had sitting in her back pocket: Oh yeah? Well, Margaret is being sued and has declared bankruptcy. SO THERE.

Margaret rolls her eyes and explains that yes, she’s being sued by Vineyard Vines for copyright violations over a whale design, but insists that this is common in her industry. But Siggy begins yelling that Margaret is everything she teaches her children not to be: a stealing cheater.

We then are given a parents montage which NO ONE ASKED FOR, and a viewer asks Siggy why she is nothing like her parents. Siggy explains that she was born in a bomb shelter during the 6 Day War and that when she came screaming into the world, the war ended. This is not an answer to the viewer’s question but still an interesting bit of Siggy folklore.

Andy Cohen asks who is getting more action: Senior or Teresa, and everyone agrees that it is probably Senior. (Meatball better hope so.) As for whether Teresa would ever set Senior up with Nonno, Teresa and Melissa are both like, Dio mio, no.

Andy Cohen notes that Dina Manzo is obsessed with Senior, and Margaret offers to set up a playdate. This leads Andy Cohen to ask Teresa about Dina’s recent armed robbery where she and The Future Mr. Dina were tied up and beaten up by some assailants. They have not been caught.

Then there is a Quadricep and Quadricep Jr. montage, which makes Teresa all emotional for no good reason. (Needs to look into butt pellets.) Dolores is weird about her relationship with Quadricep, reveals that he calls her “Mommy,” but claims that she is not sleeping with him.

i-dont-believe-you

A viewer asks Siggy and Dolores if Margaret and Danielle succeeded in stealing Melissa and Teresa from them, and Dolores explains that the reason she doesn’t like either lady is because Margaret just came barreling into a situation she knew nothing about and Danielle is a judgey judgerson who judges.

This leads to a “Danielle is Back, Bitches!” montage and Andy Cohen asks Dolores about the whole thing where she either did or did not tell Danielle that Teresa only cares about money. Apparently, Dolores was bringing Quadricep Jr. over to Danielle’s house to talk about colleges (?) and she got stuck in traffic, so she called Danielle to let her know and this led to Dolores filling Danielle in on the cast before filming began. Dolores told her that Jacqueline was “unmanageable,” Melissa was “easy” and Teresa “only cares about money.” Danielle says that it wasn’t that big a deal, and is unclear why Dolores made it into one, but Dolores continues to insist that she never said any such thing and that Danielle is a pathological liar.

However, it was Dolores who claimed, based on nothing, that Danielle was on drugs, maybe Xanax, who can say.

rhobh brandi xanax
Some people own it.

Fingers are pointed, “skanks” are called, and Danielle storms backstage having a complete meltdown.

When the show returns following the commercial break, Danielle is back on the couch, and we’re muddling through an “Italy but Really Hitler” montage.

Margaret insists that her comment that referenced Hitler is “the opposite of anti-Semitism,” and that by calling her an anti-Semite, Siggy assassinated her character. And, anyway, if Siggy was so offended, why didn’t she say something at the time? Why did she wait weeks to bring it up? Siggy explains that she was “in shock” and it festered.

Siggy argues that Margaret had never met Kim D. so how could she compare her to Hitler? Did Kim D. build concentration camps? Siggy then declares that SHE CAN’T DO THIS, ANDY COHEN.

Andy Cohen wonders why Margaret didn’t just apologize, and Margaret is like, “I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE TO BEFORE SHE WAS CALLING ME AN ANTI-SEMITE, ANDY COHEN.” Andy Cohen then asks a hilarious — but not uncalled for question — do the women even know what “anti-Semite” means? And the answer, somewhat surprisingly, is that yes, they do.

Siggy points out that she doesn’t know what is in Margaret’s heart — all she knows is that Hitler rolled off of her tongue. And Margaret fires back that “anti-Semite” rolled off of hers, and that it is worse than Hitler.

jon-stewart-whhhaaat huh wait what

I get what Margaret is saying here: that her using Hitler in an analogy is much less worse than Siggy accusing her of being an anti-Semite, but one has to be careful comparing Hitler to anything. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING, MARGARET?

Siggy reminds us that she is the daughter of a Holocaust survivor, before screaming at Margaret, “SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU!” Margaret reminds us once again that her ex-husband and stepchildren are all Jewish, but Siggy rejects this out of hand: after all, Margaret didn’t convert, so the rest of it is moot.

Andy Cohen interjects that he does not find Margaret’s comments anti-Semitic, personally. In fact, he checked in with his very Jewish parents, and they didn’t think it was anti-Semitic, either. And can I just say, THANK GOD, because I have been arguing this, but I’m not in a position to argue this? Because I’m not Jewish? I mean, my kids went to a Jewish preschool, but this does not exactly qualify me to determine whether or not it is anti-Semitic to reference Hitler. Not really. So I’m just glad to be on the right side of this officially.

And with that, Andy Cohen thanks Danielle for returning to the show before shooing her off the stage.

Andy Cohen closes the reunion by asking the women what their “roses” and “thorns” of the season were:

Dolores:

Thorn: Her amicaship with Teresa was questioned

Rose: It didn’t break it

Siggy:

Rose: Butt pellets

Thorn: Fighting with Margaret

Margaret:

Rose: Made new friendships

Thorn: Fighting with Siggy

Melissa:

Thorn: Watching the whole famiglia suffer after her madre-in-law’s death

Rose: Keeping Envy alive. For now.

Teresa:

Thorn: Losing her madre

Rose: Watching her figlia

Finally, Andy Cohen brings out a replica of Melissa’s birthday cake, and, obviously, Teresa smears a piece of it on his face, but more unexpectedly, she offers to lick it off his face. Girl, that is a dead-end road.

Also, this is the last of Siggy on this show (for now — they’ve brought plenty of people back, though, so it’s maybe not goodbye forever), so say arrivederci to Siggy! Arrivederci, Siggy! You were nice until you weren’t, Siggy! Keep taking those butt plugs, Siggy! Ciao!

 

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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