The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Diva Las Vegas”
December 26, 2017
Last we left the women, Lisa Rinna had just joined them in Las Vegas for the big birthday weekend, seeing Dorit for the first time since the reunion.
Vanderpump greets Rinna by pulling her into a big hug while also exclaiming that she has a cold, which is the best way to handle a tense situation like this: Vanderjoking, but Vandernot joking at all.
In an interview, Rinna explains that she wants a fresh start with the women, and go back to the fun-loving girl she has always been.
Meanwhile, Erika’s glam squad squeezes her into what she herself describes as “Russian hooker 90s supermodel” dominatrix cosplay and sends her teetering out into the night.
Also attending this Vegas party: LAMALOOF! However, in the biggest disappointment of the season, LaMaloof says “Hello,” and cheers to old times and that is literally it.LET LAMALOOF SPEAK! FREE THE LAMALOOF!
At dinner, Dorit mentions the whole John Cougar Mellencamp thing, and Teddi’s like, “Yep, thanks, definitely what I like to lead with.” Dorit also explains that Teddi is an “accountability coach,” which, from what I can gather means that people pay Teddi to send them yelly emails when they don’t exercise.
HOW DO I GET THIS JOB? Seriously, anyone reading this right now, send me your phone numbers and Venmo me, I don’t know, let’s say $30, and for the low price of a dollar a day, I will all-caps text at you that you’re a disappointment if you don’t send me photographic evidence that you exercised that day. And it doesn’t have to just be about exercise! I can all-caps text that you’re a loser if you don’t get out of your pajamas until 3 p.m., or that you will never amount to anything if you just took the kitchen trash bag out of the can and put it on the other side of the door instead of taking it all the way to the street, or that your parents are secretly embarrassed of you if you forget the laundry in the washer for an entire day and then have to wash your clothes again because they smell all mildewy. And for an extra $10 a month, I’ll do it WITH GIFS!
I finally know what I was put on this earth to do.
We also learn that Teddi used to be fat. But she’s not now, so.
Also at dinner, Vanderpump and Dorit giggle about throwing Rinna off the giant ferris wheel that they are going to ride the next day and Rinna internally screams, “I CAN HEAR YOU DUMB BITCHES,” but outwardly gives a tight rictus of a smile. Rinna tells the table about finding an apartment for her daughter in New York, to which Dorit sneers to Erika that “boys are the best.” And with that, Dorit and Erika are suddenly on friendly terms? HUH. OK.
The women head to Tao to go dancing, and LaMaloof really lets loose:
The next morning, Rinna takes a call from The Blond One, who explains that she bought herself a $280 steak the night before on Rinna’s card. Rinna makes noises about how her goal was to raise two well-rounded down-to-earth adults but that doesn’t seem to have happened, but she says it in a way that clear she’s actually proud of this little incident.
As for Dorit, she checks in with that troll husband of hers, informing him that while she and Rinna managed to spend the entire night together without tearing each other’s hair out. But she just has too she needs to get off of her chest, so a little hair-tearing isn’t yet out of the question.
The women split up for part of the day: Kyle, Camille and Rinna go to the pool; Erika, Teddi and Dorit go to the roulette table. There, Teddi is cautious, wins $800 and does the responsible thing and calls it a day. Dorit and Erika, however, just keep gambling, throwing thousands of dollars directly into the trash, while Erika explains that she loses time when she’s gambling and that it feels better than the best sex. Of course, she’s having sex with a 78-year-old man, so take that with a grain of Viagra.
Eventually, Vanderpump pulls them away from the table to do a little shopping, at which point, Teddi leaves their group and joins the women at the pool because: too rich for her blood.
While shopping, Vanderpump Vanderwhines at Erika that Erika never texts her, and Erika is like, “GUH. HOW ABOUT I BUY YOU SOME $200 FACE CREAM AND GET YOU OFF MY JOCK ALREADY.” This works and Lisa’s Vanderfeathers are smoothed.
As for Dorit, she explains to Erika and Vanderpump that she has some things to discuss with Rinna before she’s ready to move on; at the same time at the pool, Rinna is busily explaining that she just wants to move on and let the past be the past. And then everyone takes duckface selfies.
The women go back to the hotel to prepare for their big ferris wheel ride, and there, Kyle tells Erika the whole, “Harry Hamlin was mean to me this one time” story, and Erika is like, “I mean, if you have to, I guess mention this to Rinna, but TREAD CAREFULLY.”
Later that afternoon, all of the women head to the High Roller ferris wheel, which HAS A BAR INSIDE THEIR CARS?! Well, this changes everything. I was going to be snarky about being trapped in a ferris wheel with nothing to look at but the Nevada desert — I mean, they weren’t even doing this at night when there might have been interesting views of the Strip all lit up. But shit! If they have bars in the individual cars, SIGN ME UP!*
Both Dorit and Kyle decide that this is the perfect opportunity to confront Rinna since they are trapped in this pod together for a solid 40 minutes. Dorit swoops in first, explaining that while she doesn’t want to rehash the past, she feels like she’s in “danger” around Rinna.
Dorit whines that Rinna’s words affect people’s lives, and in return, Rinna reminds her that her awful husband had some choice words to say about Rinna, too: words like, “certifiable” and “drug addict” and “schizophrenic.” And the producers, to their credit, back up each of Rinna’s claims with tape of that jackhole saying those exact things, which Dorit, with a straight face, flatly denies.
Dorit explains that she feels that Rinna has bad intentions, but Rinna, instead of punching her in the throat, tells her she’s sorry for hurting her, hopes they can start fresh and that Dorit will give her a chance. Dorit agrees to do so. Hooray.
But Rinna’s ferris wheel ride isn’t over yet, as Kyle lines up behind Dorit to bitch at Rinna about her husband bitching at Kyle. Rinna is like, “SIGH. YES. I KNOW. HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT. And I’m sorry that moment happened. AND I’VE LEARNED A LOT FROM EVERYONE, JESUS CAN WE JUST MOVE ON FROM ME ALREADY?”
The women are finally released from their
prison pod and head straight to a bar where they inappropriately play with their inappropriately phallic ice cubes. After a drink and some ice cube groping, Dorit asks Teddi what it was like growing up with John Cougar Mellencamp as a father, and Teddi explains that she wouldn’t have known any different if she hadn’t moved to Los Angeles. Erika pipes in that a person isn’t defined by their parents, and Teddi asks her what it was like growing up with her dad, for instance. Erika replies that she didn’t know him until she was an adult, bringing the conversation to a screeching halt. Erika met her father when she was 25, he was a stranger, she didn’t have “a moment” or any of that bullshit, and he remains out of her life to this day.
And as to the obvious question:
And while the rest of the women express their sympathy, Teddi decides that Erika is “the cool girl” who is too cool for anything. So, great, we get to go down this particular road again.
The next morning, Teddi has Dorit over for breakfast in her room before they return to Los Angeles, to thank her for inviting her on the trip and to complain that Erika seemed cold to her. But Dorit is like, “Eh, you’ll get used to her. Just don’t talk about her vagina.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and you should totally Venmo me. I’m happy to be your accountability coach.
*Note: So far as I can tell, they do not actually have bars in the individual ferris wheel cars, this was a special thing they did for these assholes. BOOOOOOOOOO.