‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Reunion’: In which murder clowns get involved

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Reunion, Part 2
November 13, 2016

Hey, check out part one of the reunion special over here if you missed it.

When we left these dumb goombas, Teresa had an epiphany (or an “epiphalant,” I’m sure she’d say): Jacqueline and probably Caroline were the ones who sicced the Feds on her and Meatball. IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW. Andy Cohen, realizing that they were treading into some dangerous waters, calls for a break and sends everyone backstage to cool off for a few seconds.

When they return to the stage, Laurita joins the group, and Andy Cohen returns to Teresa’s patz’ accusation. Does she really think the Jacqueline turned her in to the Feds? Teresa tones down the accusation a smidge, suggesting that Jacqueline was dabbling in it. Somehow. Jacqueline does talk to a lot of people, after all.

At this, Laurita pipes in and tells his version of events which is weirdly vague: something about a guy who had a real estate dispute with Meatball and he came to Laurita to try to settle it and when Laurita approached Meatball about it, Meatball told Laurita to tell the other guy to go fuck himself. So if Teresa is going to be mad at anyone, she should probably be mad at Guy.

Also, too, Jacqueline points out, THEY WERE STILL FRIENDS WHEN THE INVESTIGATION BEGAN.

Jacqueline then accuses Melissa of feeding her negative stories about Teresa and il Meatballs, that she told her that Teresa and Meatball were talking divorce and her genitori were “at war” (with whom it is unclear). And Jacqueline is clearly onto something because Melissa FLIPS OUT, yells at her for telling famiglia secrets and calls her disgusting. And I suspect what is happening here is that Melissa did tell Jacqueline these things while Teresa was in prison, back when they were still friendly.

But it’s of no matter to Teresa who asks Jacqueline how many Xanax she took, five? ten?

rhobh brandi xanax

Laurita interjects again to whine that before he met Folletto and Melissa, Teresa and Meatball had tried to warn Jacqueline and him away from being friends with them. But as it turns out, they really liked Melissa and Folletto and the only thing that his sainted wife Jacqueline ever did was try to bring Teresa’s famigilia back together again.

Andy Cohen asks Laurita if it’s true that he gambled away $500,000 and that Jacqueline was a stripper named “Froot Loops.” He insists that he met her at a trade show — but he does not address either the gambling debt or the notion that Jacqueline’s stage name was “Froot Loops,” so I’m going to keep that little fantasy alive.

whatver froots your lopps

We then have a montage of Teresa’s malapropisms, and it really is the American dream when a convicted felon who doesn’t know the difference between “edamame” and “enema” can have a net worth of $1.5 million. This is a very good country with very good values.

Andy Cohen introduces the Teresa montage by noting that she’s suffered years of adversity including her own husband calling her the “c-word” — to which Teresa interrupts him to point out that Meatball never called her a cunt to her face.

so what who cares
IT DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER, YOU TONTA

Anyway, montage montage montage. Teresa notes that while she had been thinking about selling the house at the end of last season, her figlie don’t want to move so they’re staying put for now. As for camp prison, the other inmates were nice, the conditions were disgusting. Because it’s a fucking camp prison. Also, too, she wishes all the lawyers, accountants and other people who made her sign the documents that were fraudulent lies had gone to camp prison, too, but, yous know.

A viewer asks Teresa if she has any remorse, and she’s like, “I SPENT 352 NIGHTS AWAY FROM MY BAMBINI, BITCH, WHAT DO YOUS THINK?”r

After a little talk about how Meatball is doing in meatball prison, Andy Cohen brings up the forbidden question: “What if Meatball is deported?” To her credit, Teresa does not storm out of the interview as she has done on other occasions when this topic is broached but she doesn’t exactly answer it, either, insisting that she’d rather not think about it, per favore.

Laurita is brought back out so as to discuss Teresa’s falling out with Kathy and Rosie, but honestly, there’s not much to say here. Teresa claims they never reached out to her while she was in camp prison, and contrary to what we saw with our own eyeballs, Rosie never hung out with Meatball, so drop it, Andy Cohen.

And then we get to the Vermont trip.

~cleansing breath~

Basically, no one quite understands why Robyn and Christina were invited in the first place, what the hell happened between Jacqueline and Robyn, why it escalated so quickly, or what Jacqueline was thinking when she sat on Robyn’s lap. The whole thing: scopata.

In response to some viewer’s statement that Siggy looked like she didn’t know what she had gotten herself into, Sigggy explains that the real problem is that everyone miscommunicated with each other at the dinner the next night, and that “emotions do not travel in rational channels,” the truest thing anyone has ever said on any season of this show ever.

Not that any of these stugats are listening or possibly understand.

Melisssa’s endless nose jobs come up, and Melissa agrees that it’s the worst kept secret in the world, BUT THAT IT’S HER SECRET. Jacqueline insists that it’s just more evidence that Melissa and Teresa are lying liars who lie — in fact, Teresa went to camp prison for lying.

This sets Teresa off who proceeds to call Jacqueline a “low dirty bitch” with a “clown-looking face,” before opening the door on this new mystery:

rhonj teresa clowns coming around our house.gif

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

  1. What clowns?
  2. Last fall there was an outbreak of creepy clown sightings all over the country. Did Teresa have woods clowns on her property?
  3. Any chance Teresa’s clowns drive an ice cream truck?ice cream truck clowns ahs.gif
  4. I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THESE CLOWNS COMING TO TERESA’S HOUSE.

Teresa is also very proud of herself when she calls Jacqueline a “wolf in lamb’s clothing with rabies” because she is a dumb dummy who doesn’t know how words work.

A viewer asks Melissa if she ever really cared about her friendship with Jacqueline or was it just a ruse to get to Teresa and I’M SORRY, WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THIS BUSINESS ABOUT CLOWNS. I am not going to be able to sleep tonight until I know whether or not murder clowns were harassing Teresa Giudice. But for real, yous guys.

There’s some talk about the lunch that Siggy arranged, and Jacqueline claims that she had planned to talk to Teresa one-on-one but unless her first question was going to be, “tell me about the murder clowns visiting your house,” I’m really not interested.

Andy Cohen plays a montage of Teresa and Jacqueline’s 13-year relationship. It features disappointingly few murder clowns. Not even a sewer clown.

Finally, Siggy demands that they have a group hug. Despite Teresa’s hesitation, they do, and we end season 7 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey with more questions about murder clowns than answers.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey aired Sundays but is moving to Wednesday on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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