Bachelor in Paradise
September 11, 2017
BUST OUT THE TEQUILA SHOTS, ALL-4-WELLS, AND HAND ME THAT OVERSIZED SOMBRERO, IT’S THE SEASON FINALE OF THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF A SEASON, AND WE ALL GET TO GO HOME NOW! ¡AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!
We begin this, the blessedly last episode of anything Bachelor-related for a solid three-and-a-half months, with Chris Harrison giving the rejects some vague instructions: they all have to have “tough conversations” about whether or not their relationship can “survive outside of Paradise.” If the answer is no, they have to immediately load up into the “Vamanos, Burros” SUVs waiting outside. But if they are “committed to really falling in love,” they are invited to stay in Mexico for one last romantic date, and a fantasy suite AS LONG AS EVERYONE CONSENTS.
So … they can’t just go on the date and see how it’s vibing? The fantasy suite isn’t a requirement, so why the pressure? Couldn’t they go on a date and be like, “yeah, I don’t feel like touching genitals with you, so I’m going to go sleep in another room”? Or what if they just want to go to a resort and bone without any sort of thoughts about the future?Why are they acting as though the couples have to be “committed” to falling in love with this other person they’ve known for at most a few weeks to go on these dates? Why is it pretend love or nothing?
This is stupid and the system deserves to be broken.
Anyway. Let’s go get those “difficult conversations” over with, shake the sand out of our coochies, pack our chainmail bikinis, go home and pretend none of this ever happened.
JACK STONE! suggests to Scallop Fingers that they leave Paradise “hand-in-hand,” but Scallop Fingers looks at him like he’s a
serial killer crazy person and reminds him that they are merely acquaintances. And she is NOT going to lose her virginity to an acquaintance on a reality dating show. Now, if you’ll excuse her, Ol’ Scallop Fingers is going to jump into the ocean and swim far far far away from you, you creep.
Next up: Tickle Monster and Warrior Dancer who take one long, sober look at one another and are like, “NAH.”
Next up, Kewpie Doll and Boobs McGee who, as she walks into this conversation, has all the confidence of a hot twenty-seven year old with a great rack. But Kewpie is here to deflate all that, telling Boobs that he has come to the unfortunately timed revelation that he is actually in love with Olya Povlatsky after all, and it just doesn’t seem right to spend the night with Boobs and her McGees.
And then Kewpie cries and cries and cries AND CRIES and cries over the way he treated Olya Povlatsky.
Chipotle goes into her conversation with Diggy hopeful that they will leave Paradise together, but he’s like, “Nope…”
… because he wants to leave Paradise with Ballsy, who is like, “NOPE.”
Annnnnnnnnd there’s the bitchy karma that Olya promised a couple of episodes ago.
Finally, Fun Robby and Token Single Mom. Fun Robby opens their conversation by telling Token Single Mom that he’s been so excited to have this talk with her and Token is like, “Yeah, I’m going to stop you right there and save us both the embarrassment. It’s not going to happen, pretty boy. I just … I can’t have my daughters be around someone with such ridiculous hair.”
This leaves us with three couples who have decided that they are “committed to falling in love,” or at the very least want a free night at a resort hotel:
Cameltoe declares that she is “in love” with Dooicfer, and doesn’t even want to go on the date part, she just wants to go to the Fantasy Suite already and GET TO BUSINESS. For his part, Doocifer invites her to see the “Fourth of July in [his] pants.”
NOPE, NO SIR, NO, YOU KEEP YOUR FILTHY CANADIAN HANDS OFF OF INDEPENDENCE DAY, AND GO TOAST THE QUEEN OR WORSHIP A MOOSE OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU NORTHERN WEIRDOS DO, BUT YOU LEAVE THE FOURTH OF JULY OUT OF IT.
Taylor with the Smart Friends and Charlie Brown’s Teacher, signed up for the fantasy suite about three months ago.
And after some hemming and hawing, SOOEY! agrees to go on the date with Doll Daddy, because sure, why not. If nothing else, it’s a hotel bed and a hot shower, right?
At the hotel, Cameltoe decides that it is Super Important that Doocifer tell her that he loves her before this goes any further. She starts the conversation by telling him that she’s falling for him, and wants to leave Mexico in a committed relationship. Doocifer wonders if by “committed” she means “change Facebook status-committed,” which is the moment when she should have packed her bags, marched downstairs to the lobby and demanded her own suite. Instead, Doocifer tells her that he doesn’t want her to return to New York City and be with someone else and that he is “falling” for her too.
And that’s how they end up in the fantasy suite doing unspeakable things with maple syrup.
With Taylor and Charlie Brown’s Teacher, there is a lot of boring analytical talk about how Taylor needs to “experience” sex with someone before she can allow herself to fall in love and blah blah blah BLAH. JUST DO IT ALREADY, GOD.
As for Doll Daddy and SOOEY!, they have their date — and by date, let me be clear: all three couples spend their “romantic” date sitting in the living room of a hotel suite, the bedroom of which they move into for the “fantasy suite” portion of the date — and SOOEY! has some hesitation about moving things into the next room.
But we don’t know what happens with Doll Daddy and SOOEY! because only 50 minutes into this nonsense we are already in the Bachelor studio with Chris Harrison and some — but not all — of the rejects. Specifically:
- Twin #1
- Twin #2
- Warrior Dancer
- Left Shark
- JACK STONE!
- Boobs McGee
- Scallop Fingers
- Kewpie Doll
- Nurse Boring
- Olya Povlatsky
Sorry, Franz and Runner-Up and Old Classmate and Sweaty and Penguin and Santa Claus and Drama Mama and G.I. Joe and Toasted, but no one cares.
But before we get to anything else, we have to pretend to care about Corwin and DeMariOhNo one last time. Chris Harrison brings them out to sit next to one another and talk about how they just want everyone to move on and they wish each other well and oh fucking hell, STOP TALKING ABOUT WANTING TO MOVE ON AND MOVE ON ALREADY.
As for the rest of the Rejects: Apparently, there has been some dumb outstanding social media feud between Scallop Fingers and Warrior Dancer? Over Penguin? STILL? Ladies, LADIES! Y’all need to move on and find someone who is actually interested in either of you because this is just silliness.
Chris Harrison then turns his attention to our most irritating love triangle: the Kewpie-Olya-Boobs slow-moving catastrophe. Chris Harrison brings Kewpie over to the so-called “hot seat” where Chris Harrison is like, “Dude. DUDE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”
Kewpie makes a bunch of noises about how much he cares about Olya, and how painful it was to make her cry and it’s so awful to watch the episodes and he had to unfollow her on social media because it’s just so hard to see her when he has such strong emotions for her still.
And that’s when Boobs McGee is like, “WELL THIS IS VERY INTERESTING CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT YOU CALLED ME IMMEDIATELY AFTER LEAVING PARADISE, LIKE ONE HOUR AFTER, AND HAD ME COME OVER, SO TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOOOOOOOOOVE OLYA.”
And with that, Olya is like, “You know what? Enough is enough.”
We then talk to Token Single Mom and Fun Robby who, apparently, resumed dating when they returned to the Atlanta area, but it didn’t work out because, well, let’s just take a look at this asshole’s Instagram account for two seconds:
Ah, teeth whitener. Of course.
The Twins accuse him of cheating on Token Single Mom, but, who cares, he’s terrible, she’s better off.
And now onto our three couples “committed to falling in love.”
First, Cameltoe comes out and explains that she and Doocifer had met before Paradise at Toasted’s birthday party, because as I’ve explained these people live in a separate pocket universe that we able-brained humans do not occupy. Anyway, they hooked up and so when he arrived in Paradise, she was thrilled to see him.
However, sometime in the Fantasy Suite — it’s unclear if it was pre- or post- Fantasy (I’m guessing post) — it came to light that maybe Doocifer wasn’t being entirely honest about his feeling for Cameltoe and that maybe he was not “committed to falling in love” with her after all.
I am shocked. This is my shocked face.
Doocifer comes out to defend himself, and he says some dumb words, who cares, what is important is that you see for yourself how this doofus was dressed:
Oh Dumb Dummy, what are these clothes? Do you think you are a comic book superhero in your everyday disguise? Is that body paint? Do you know that you can buy yourself clothes in man sizes?
He is amazing and I will miss him.
Next, Chris Harrison brings SOOEY! and Doll Daddy out, and they reveal that not only did they enjoy the Fantasy Suite, but they’ve been enjoying each other ever since. And then Chris Harrison brings SOOEY!’s parents out to meet Doll Daddy for the first time, because the only thing worse than a hometown visit is a hometown visit in front of a live audience.
Finally, because we have to end this thing on a positive note for some reason, Taylor and that boy of hers come out and he proposes and she says yes and there are rose petals and some people are crying and oh my God we are finally done someone fetch me a box of wine and some scallops.
Bachelor in Paradise aired on ABC. But now it doesn’t for at least another year AND I AM FREE!