‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Crustacean humor is the lowest form of humor

Bachelor in Paradise
August 28, 2017

Because I’ve been a little distracted this week, what with the 15 trillion gallons of water that fell on my city over the weekend (please click here to donate to The Houston Food Bank), a refresher on where we left these tequila-soaked dummies last week:

The guys are handing out the roses this time.

  • Warrior Dancer is pretty sure she and Penguin are IN LOVE; Penguin is less convinced.
  • Kewpie is in a precarious position, caught between Boobs McGee, and a very angry Russian.
  • Doll Daddy is also caught in a let’s-call-it “love” triangle with SOOEY! and Runner-Up.
  • Diggy is DEFINITELY NOT interested in Cameltoe now that Chipotle has shown up.
  • Fun Robby has decided to follow Single Token Mom around like a love-sick puppy.
  • Taylor and Charlie Brown’s Teacher are practically married.
  • And apparently Left Shark and JACK STONE! have been flirting?

In fact, the episode begins with everyone going on about how JACK STONE! is definitely going to give Left Shark his rose, that is until during a game of what SOOEY! calls, “WHAT DAT MOUF DO THO?” — a game I have the pleasure to say I am not familiar with — Left Shark tries to shove a rotting crab covered in hot sauce into JACK STONE!’s mouth while he’s blindfolded. Thus ends Left Shark and JACK STONE!’s relationship before it ever began.

jojo crying bachelorette

That’s when our next new arrival, Terror Watch List, teeters in, all boobs and wedge heels and wanting to talk about what a huge tremendous virginy virgin she is.

CHRISTEN
Terror Watch List = CHRISTEN

The women immediately take her aside and tell her that Penguin, Kewpie and Charlie Brown’s Teacher are TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS FOREVER DON’T EVEN LOOK AT THEM SIDEWAYS, but Franz is nice! JACK STONE! is a nice guy! So of course Terror Watch List is all, “So tell me more about this Penguin … ”

And Penuin, against a sense for his own self-preservation, is interested in Terror Watch List, too. When he discovers that people are telling Terror Watch List that he and Warrior are a couple, he makes a point to tell Terror Watch List otherwise, and encourages her to ask him on her date, which she does.

When Penguin informs Warrior that he’s going to go on Terror Watch List’s date, Warrior Dance asks him the following questions:

  1. Does he think she’s cute?
  2. Does he find her attractive?
  3. Does she make his dick hard?

kenan-omg-face

Penguin, wisely, would rather not say.

BUT WARRIOR DANCER IS FINE. THIS IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY FINE. SHE HOPES THEY GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME AND FALL IN LOVE. SHE’S FINE.

This position changes in a hot second, shockingly enough, and Warrior Dancer is soon stomping up to the women’s quarters, yelling at the cameramen, “YOU WANT GOOD TV, ABC? I AM ABOUT TO GIVE YOU GOOD TV.”

ABC’s response: “1. Yes, and 2. Thank you.”

And so Warrior stomps into Terror Watch Lists’ room, and yells at her for asking Penguin on a date moments after Warrior Dancer TOLD HER EXPLICITLY NOT TO. And Terror Watch List is like, “But, he wanted me too?” And so Warrior Dancer stomps back out of the room, failing to deliver to us the “good TV” she had just moments earlier promised.

After having a good cry on SOOEY!’s shoulder, Terror Watch List and Penguin go on their boring boring so boring date where they eat ice cream, try on bathing suits and make out in the ocean.

the dude bored

Back at Paradise, Warrior Dancer continues waging her public relations war against Terror Watch List, calling her a “slimy snake” about three dozen times, before, more intriguingly, calling her “scallop fingers.”

YES? GO ON. YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION.

So the story is that a group of the women — I don’t know if this was during taping of The Bachelor or after taping of The Bachelor or what — were packed into a car together, when Terror Watch List pulled out of her bag a take-out container of scallops, which she proceeded to eat with her fingers, and then wipe said scallop fingers on Left Shark’s shoulder.

And so what I’m saying here is Terror Watch List has earned herself a brand new nickname. (But as funny as “Scallop Fingers” is, I do honestly wish Warrior Dancer would stop screaming about “slimy fingers.” Many many so many years ago, some friends and I compiled a list of words and phrases that were absolutely forbidden to be uttered if someone had a hangover. The list included classics like “moist” and “phlegm” and “curd” but also some unexpected ones like “poodle” and “slacks.” “Slimy fingers” is DEFINITELY ON THE LIST.)

party down shudder

When Penguin and Scallop Fingers return from their date, there is a great deal of tension, but contrary to everyone’s worst fears, Warrior Dancer does not “choke a bitch,” instead choosing to exit stage-left and fume in the women’s quarters.

Meanwhile, Scallop Fingers orders a plate of shrimp and, true to her name, begins to eat them with her fingers, while hugging people. OH, SCALLOP FINGERS, NEVER CHANGE.

In other relationship news, Fun Robby thought it would be fun sexy turn-on for Token Single Mom if he threw a bunch of glow sticks in the hot tub.

It wasn’t.

Runner-Up tells Doll Daddy that she doesn’t want to be anyone’s runner-up second best, and Doll Daddy is like, “I mean, that sounds like a you problem…”

Over in the insufferable Kewpie – Boobs McGee – Olya Povlatsky triangle, Olya tries to make Kewpie choose: her or Boobs. But Kewpie remains true to form: an immature asshole who doesn’t understand why she won’t stick around and wait while he also “gets to know” Boobs McGee.

why-dont-we-have-both

And in Taylor and Charlie Brown’s Teacher’s world, they get bored with each other, pick a fight over WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT, he tells her to “fuck off” and she announces that he’s “triggered” her and she doesn’t even know if she wants to be with him anymore.

eric true blood eye roll

And then it’s rose ceremony time, which Chris Harrison introduces by ominously promising that “just when you think you have Paradise figured out, you never know how things can change.”

So basically, they’re going to bring someone new in before roses are handed out.

Anyway, everyone is trying to figure out where, exactly, they stand with each other:

SOOEY! has Doll Daddy convinced to give her his rose until Runner-Up comes and starts chewing on his face and then he’s all, “I love your communication skills, you’re so honest.”

jennifer-sure-ok

Kewpie continues to whinge at Olya that he just wants to “get to know” Boobs McGee, he’d like her to stick around, and what’s so wrong with that, she’s a nice person. Except Olya knows exactly what Kewpie means by “get to know” Boobs.

stephen colbert sex fingers angry.gif

And moments after telling Olya that he literally cares about her feelings more than he cares about Boobs’, he goes and shoves his tongue down Boob’s throat, so. You know. He’s a shitbird.

One person who is NOT confused, not even for a hot second, is Diggy who sits Cameltoe down and is like, “Yeah, I am not giving you my rose and I am not even a little bit sorry about it. HAVE A NICE LIFFFFFFE!”

Fun Robby FINALLY convinces Token Single Mom to kiss him — and I’m in no way making this up, if you didn’t watch it because of storm coverage, you can see for yourself on ABC.com — after he gives her two pairs of hotel slippers he stole for her daughters. AND THEY SAY ROMANCE IS DEAD.

Taylor and Charlie Brown’s Teacher have a perfectly predictable conversation in which he apologizes for saying “Fuck you,” and says that he wants to “be on [her] team,” which is good enough for Taylor, and so they’re back together again.

michael scott don't care leave the room

Finally, Penguin takes Scallop Fingers aside and encourages her to try to get a rose from another man, because he’s pretty sure he’s not going to be able to give her his, as Warrior Dancer will DEFINITELY CHOKE HIM TO DEATH if he does. And Scallop Fingers is all mad because he is telling her that he plans to give Warrior his rose to spare Warrior’s feelings, and what about her feelings, but BITCH, NO, HE IS DOING IT TO STAY ALIVE, AND PROBABLY KEEP YOU ALIVE, TOO. HAVE YOU EVEN MET WARRIOR DANCER?

But then! Penguin takes Warrior Dancer aside and is like, “I’ve thought long and hard about it and all y’all are crazy. I’m OUT.”

amy-poehler-emmys-deuces-bye

With that, he just … leaves.

Which:

  1. Was a plot twist I did not see coming, but
  2. Was a COMPLETE BULLSHIT MOVE. As All-4-Wells points out, he could have given someone a rose and then left, but instead, he just screwed over someone FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL.

But then! Chris Harrison makes it all right again by, as predicted, bringing in a last minute edition. And oh, Lord help us, it’s Doocifer. Break out the maple syrup and prepare to have your IQ points to drop by 5% just from being exposed to this mouth-breather.

canadian-daniel-swimsuit

Oh and All-4-Wells kept doing a whole puppet show throughout this episode, mostly acting out the saga of Scallop Fingers and making fun of her new boob job. Maybe I should just hire him to do these recaps.

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Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights FOR TWO HOURS. TWO! EACH NIGHT!

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