The Real Housewives of New York
“A Bronx Tale”
June 28, 2017
We don’t usually begin an episode with full-blown, all-out, batshit craziness, not unless the episode is the fulfilment of a TO BE CONTINUED from the week before. And yet, somehow, improbably, this episode begins with a scene at what should just be an innocent pizza lunch in the Bronx, and ends with Dorinda screaming at Sonja that she’s an “asswipe,” a “fraud,” and with Dorinda doing this:
Alright, so. Bethenny decided it would be fun to drag these ladies out of Manhattan for an authentic pizza lunch out in the Bronx because why should Manhattan be the only borough where they get drunk and scream at one another? And everyone is invited except Ramona because nope, nope, hell nope.
So the ladies file in, each dressed more inappropriately for a pizza joint than the next, with the exception of Dorinda who explains that she’s rocking a pretty bad hangover and couldn’t be bothered to get all dolled up. Dorinda is all of us.
They order a bunch of pizza and wine and at some point, Bethenny mentions that she thinks they should go to Vermont to ski. When the group asks if Ramona is invited, Bethenny explains that she’d rather not include her, they did not see the way Ramona attacked her at Dorinda’s. The Countess tries to excuse Ramona’s craziness, explaining that she was drunk and angry, but Bethenny is not interested: Ramona’s come after her time and time again, and she’s not Ramona’s only victim, pointing out that she tore Sonja to shreds over Tipsy Girl when she, the hypocrite, had been in business with that huckster Peter Whatshisface first.
Sonja agrees that Ramona was awful to her about the whole Tipsy Girl thing, and then declares — out of nowhere — that Dorinda was supposed to be one of her partners in Tipsy Girl, that Peter Whatshisface approached them both and Fudgie told Sonja that Dorinda was in.
And she has the texts to prove it.
Dorinda flips. the fuck. out.
FIRST OF ALL, SHE IS NOT MARRIED TO FUDGIE THE WHALE, SHE DOES NOT PAY HIS BILLS, SO HE DOES NOT SPEAK FOR HER. SO BACK THAT SHIT UP, BECAUSE DORINDA “HAS [SONJA’S] PAPERS, FOR FRAUD.”
And then Dorinda starts screaming “CLIP! CLIP! CLIIIIIIIIIP!”
… while making a pinching motion …
… before leaping up to collect her coat, stopping to scream at Sonja that she’s the “hostess with the mostess,” as seen above.
Someone convinces Dorinda to return to the table, because she sits back down as Sonja sniffs that this whole Tipsy Girl thing was one of the reasons why Dorinda didn’t invite her to the Berkshires that one time.
And this is interesting! If you remember, Dorinda did not invite Sonja to the Berkshires because she claimed that it would be too much drama to have Bethenny and Sonja there in the wake of Tipsy Girlgate, that and she thought Sonja had been drinking too much. However! It now seems possible that Dorinda was trying to avoid being dragged into Tipsy Girlgate; that at the very least she was approached about it by Peter Whatshisface … and at the worst, she came close to joining the deal. Which would explain why she is so full volume and batshit crazy defensive here, screaming at Sonja that she is “not about going backwards, asswipe.”
Somehow — mostly because Bethenny reacts to this whole situation with bemusement instead of betrayal — Dorinda peels herself off of the ceiling, and she and Sonja agree to move on and continue to “forge a friendship.”
And then with apologies to every other patron in the restaurant, the ladies take their leave, but not before one diner tells Princess Politics that she looks like “Ivania Trump.” ZING!
Sometime later, Tinsley takes us along on a counseling session, and if I’ve said it once about sitting in on cast members’ counseling sessions, I’ve said it a thousand times …
Look, I think it’s healthy that Tinsley is finally addressing on the show the fact that she was abused in her previous relationship instead of continuing to dance around it, and it’s a sort of progress that she recognizes that she drinks too much, but I still don’t care. Can’t make me care!
Later, The Countess, Ramona and Sonja meet for lunch, where The Countess tells Ramona about the ski trip and suggests that she’s invited. I missed that part, but sure, OK, she’s invited even though Bethenny still haaaaaaates her. Ramona sneers that she only skis in Aspen, but she’s willing to rough it to try to mend her relationship with Bethenny.
Sonja then announces that she hopes things are OK between herself and “new friend Dorinda,” a designation that The Countess pushes back against: she’s known Dorinda for 10 years now. Sonja protests that there are friends and then there are friends, you know, the kinds that have slept with the same men. The Countess grasps her married pearls and hisses that what Sonja just said is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and demands that Sonja APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY FOR BEING SO RUDE. But Sonja is like, “what, I mean, it’s true?” So The Countess storms out of the restaurant in a snit.
And then suddenly we are in Vermont on this ski trip that has only just now been brought to anyone’s attention. As Bethenny is playing hostess, Her Highness Idontski is already there, obviously, when their first guest, Dorinda, arrives.
Meanwhile, Ramona is busy texting nonsense at Bethenny from the road, something about how she wants to clear the air and that things were said out of anger, hurt and disappointment. Bethenny responds that she hopes Ramona has a good life, but that they’re not going to be friends, and Ramona is like, “Yay, we’re on the same page!” And by “the same page” do you mean “the same numbered page but in two entirely different books?” Because, bitch, no.
Anyway, Dorinda goes out to her car to retrieve her suitcase, only to discover that she left it in Queens after stopping by Fudgie’s place for a “love cuddle.”
So, obviously, her plan is to send an Uber to go collect her things and then drive them 5 hours to Vermont. Obviously! Obviously.
Princess Carole suggests that Dorinda take the contents of her purse and spread them out all over whichever bed she wants, because if there is one thing we know about Ramona and Sonja is that they are preeeeety sure they are entitled to the best room in any vacation scenario.
And sure enough, the moment they walk into the chalet, Ramona and Sonja are screaming through the place, comparing bathtubs and sink options. Actually, that’s not true. The first thing that happens is that Ramona — WHO IS TRYING TO GET ON BETHENNY’S GOOD SIDE — insults the Skinny Girl wine that is offered to her. And then she marches around the chalet demanding to know where the best room is, as she, someone who was barely invited on this trip in the first fucking place, is certainly entitled to it.
Then The Countess arrives, and is informed she gets the last room left, the one in the basement.
A professional chef arrives to make them dinner, of course, while Sonja puts tap water into a fancy bottle to present to Ramona as fancy bottled water, noting that while Ramona is demanding, she’s “not the sharpest tool in the shed.” Bless you, Sonja Morgan. You are a gift.
Downstairs, Bethenny and Tinsley talk about dating, and Bethenny casually mentions that she’s no longer dating that Dennis guy who we never saw or talked to.
And Tinsley declares that she wants to start dating Jewish guys because her usual type, trust fund babies, are too lazy and entitled and drive her to drink all of the tequila.
Dinner is ready, but the Ramona and Sonja are not, so Bethenny takes the opportunity to invite everyone else to Mexico on the trip that had to be canceled last season on account of her exploding ladybits. The Countess hesitates, noting that she came here on the heels of her wedding and no one was thoughtful enough to give her the best room. Bethenny is like, “DAFUQ? Did you bring Tom the Cheater with you and I didn’t notice?” The Countess shrugs that she did not, but having written a book on etiquette, she’s pretty sure that a new bride is entitled to the bridal suite or bridal suite equivalent for a year after her nuptials, even if she is not traveling with her husband. Look it up.
Dinner is finally served, and The Countess keeps talking about her damn wedding and how they now need to get someone else in the group married. Tinsley volunteers, but then laughs that she won’t be ready to get married until she gets her own place. Sonja — agreeing with her — says that men want to date women who are independent. But then Tinsley points out that The Countess met her husband while she was living in Sonja’s apartment, so why can’t she be looking? Which is fair! Except for the part where she just said she wanted her own apartment before she starts dating!
This becomes a cuckoo bananas argument that I can not follow, in which everyone begins screaming out their own opinions on what Tinsley should do with her life and whether or not she should be dating or living with Sonja or if Sonja is abusing Tinsley and treating her like a child or if Tinsley should be expected to follow Sonja’s horseshit insane house rules until Tinsley bursts into hot angry tears because THEY DON’T KNOW THE ABUSE SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH AND HOW ABOUT THEY LET HER DEAL WITH HER CRAP IN HER OWN TIME AND JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THINGS THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ALREADY.
Oh, honey, you are on the wrong show.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and still has no idea what Dorinda meant by “CLLIP!”