‘The Real Housewives of New York’: Bezerkshires

The Real Housewives of New York
“Black Out and Get Out”
June 7, 2017

Last we left these lunatics, Bethenny had informed Ramona that she has not been a good friend to her, and Ramona greeted this news with indignation.

are you fucking kidding me ramona rhony

In fact, Bethenny is not fucking kidding Ramona, and proceeds to remind her that Ramona has berated her about her love life, stolen from her, and most recently chose to bring up Bethenny’s topless acting career — not when she first heard about it, but only once the cameras had been turned on. Very good friending! Ramona wins all of the friending prizes!

Ramona begins screaming about how Bethenny was TOPLESS and KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN and had sex on a WATERBED! A waterbed.

clutch-the-pearls

But Bethenny doesn’t care because IT WAS A MOVIE AND SHE WAS ACTING.

bethenny mention it all.gif

Ramona then makes two conflicting and confusing accusations: 1. that Bethenny fucked someone — it’s unclear who, exactly — to “make her way to the top” and that 2. Bethenny grew up rich and never had to work for anything in her life. Also, Bethenny’s brand is done while Ramona has sold 10,000 cases of Pinot Ramona. Bethenny reminds Ramona that she got into the booze business in the first place because of Skinny Girl, to which Ramona protests that she “DRINKS WINE.”

I can tell bethenny rhony.gif

Ramona continues ranting that she’s self made whereas Bethenny has had everything paid for her entire life and BETHENNY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS ONLY TO HAVE HER HUSBAND LEAVE HER BECAUSE HE’S AN INSECURE LITTLE BITCH WHO CAN’T HANDLE LIVING WITH AN MANIC DEPRESSIVE ALCOHOLIC WHO SCREAMS EVERYTHING SHE SAYS WAAAAAAAAH.

Bethenny suggests that if Ramona really feels this way about her, she stop trying so desperately to be her friend, to which Ramona calls Bethenny a bitchy witch: “Bethenny bitchy witchy,” to be exact. And with that, Ramona decides she’s won this battle and stomps out of the room, while Bethenny ponders that great Real Housewives koan: if the other women aren’t there to witness a fight, did it really happen?

Eventually Bethenny heads upstairs to tell Princess Poland what just happened and pack her things because BYE, EVERYONE, BYE. It’s a good thing Bethenny gave her driver the heads up that he might be making a midnight drive back to the city because that is EXACTLY what is happening.

Meanwhile, Ramona continues ranting about Bethenny to whomever will stand still long enough to listen, including Her Highness. “She’s using you, Princess,” Ramona slurs, “She says she doesn’t like being with you because you’re boring.”

okay-girl-bye

On her way out the door, Bethenny orders Ramona to never speak to her again, and Ramona spits back, “Why are you such a vicious bitch?”

bethenny that's why rhony.gif

The next morning, Ramona recognizes that she drank too much and said waaaay too much. Still …

i-regret-nothing

Trying to rally Dorinda to her side, Ramona reminds her of the terrible things that Bethenny said about Fudgie the Whale, things that RAMONA HERSELF BROUGHT TO THE TABLE, but Dorinda is like, “no ma’am, you were the one talking about the Viagra and our sex life, I haven’t forgotten.” And that’s when The Countess begins parading around in a “Future Mrs. Cheater” t-shirt and Sonja comes dancing downstairs wearing a nightgown that Dorinda’s dead husband gave her and which Dorinda had tucked away for safekeeping. Which are just a few of the reasons why Dorinda begins shoving her guests out the door and into their rides back home because ENOUGH.

Later Dorinda reveals that after the ladies left she discovered that Ramona had trashed her guest room, damaging the paint job and ripping light fixtures right off the wall.

Wait, what? Why? WHAT? WHO DOES THAT? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, RAMONA? ARE YOU AN 18-YEAR-OLD FRAT BROTHER AT HIS VERY FIRST RAGER? THEN HOW ABOUT YOU NOT VANDALIZE YOUR FRIEND’S HOUSE, YOU MONSTER?

But we just move right along to the part where Tinsley, sick to death of living at Grey Gardens and being screamed at about how she’s not allowed to use Sonja’s assistant to answer the door when a package is delivered, takes a look at the empty apartment in Princess Sereness’ building. Fun facts: the apartment is 1200 sq. ft and the rent is $7100 a month and the revolution should be getting started any moment now.

Over at Bethenny’s apartment, she’s having a moth crisis.

underwhelmed jacqueline laurita rhonj

In a scene that should have been interesting, but isn’t, The Countess, Tom the Cheater and Dorinda have lunch with Jill and Bobby Zarin (!!) and a bunch of other people we don’t know or care about. They gossip a bit about Ramona and how she’s trying to ruin The Countess’ relationship with her cheating fiance because she’s jealous and not because she’s trying to stop The Countess before she legally binds herself to a blatant CHEATING CHEATER. Anyway, they toast the “happy” couple and Jill openly begs to be brought back onto the show.

Then there’s some art opening that features a naked painting of Princess Carole that she makes everyone attend, including both Ramona and Bethenny. But everyone just avoids each other and no wine is thrown, no tacky paintings are destroyed, no one screams at anyone about waterbeds, so.

so what who cares

Finally, The Countess and Tom the Cheater leave for Palm Springs, discussing pre-wedding plans and how they intend to spend the day before the wedding apart. Tom the Cheater is gleeful at this idea, excited to spend the evening with his friends, and declares that he has “a hall pass.”

nervouslaugh tina fey
HA HA HA YES THAT IS A VERY GOOD JOKE (OMG, CALL THIS OFF, LUANN, YOU STILL HAVE TIME)

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and once owned a waterbed.

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