‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: LuAnn, Countess of denial

The Real Housewives of New York
“Two Weeks Notice”
May 31, 2017

We begin this episode right where we left off: with Dorinda telling The Countess that the ladies have some shit on Tom the Cheater, and The Countess responding that this is just Ramona up to her old tricks again, like the way she’s been calling Tom the Cheater’s California friends to try to dig up dirt on him. SO WHATEVER.

And that’s when Ramona saunters in with a fresh drink which she absolutely needs and which will not make her a belligerent mess later. The Countess is all, “OH HO HO, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU NEED TO STAY OUT MY BIZNESS BECAUSE I AM GETTING MARRIED IN TWO WEEKS AND IF I WANT TO HITCH MY WAGON TO A CHEATING STAR THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.”

The other ladies start filing into the room as Ramona is like, “Look, I have texts from women claiming that he was kissing and groping them and if you’re cool with that then go with God.” But The Countess laughs this off as nonsense: Tom the Cheater is always with her and when he’s not with her, sure, he’s hanging out with his “friends who are girls” and yeah, maybe some of them are “ex-girlfriends” but so what, they’re adults and in conclusion …

hurley fingers in ears lost la la can't hear you
I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Bethenny marvels at The Countess’ denial, simultaneously impressed and wanting to “hit her over the head with a baseball bat,” which is understandable. Bethenny tries to be reasonable, and points out that she understands why “someone” would want to stick in an engagement so close to the wedding date despite being told that “someone” is walking directly into a shitshow that is only going to end in heartbreak and tabloid covers, after all, “someone” has invested a lot of money and ego in a relationship and “someone” might think that it would just be for the best to go through with the wedding even though “someone” would be HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG, but the point is “someone” isn’t married yet and there is still time to turn this whole mess around.

The Countess remains resolute: these ladies are just jealous bitches trying to take her down to their level, a theory that she clings to even harder when Ramona becomes emotional remembering her own disaster of a marriage. But instead of seeing Ramona as someone who has recently been there and done that, The Countess views her as someone who is sad and lonely and trying to bring The Countess down to her level.

ramona pinot no

SO ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT, THE COUNTESS IS GOING TO MARRY THIS ASSHOLE THE LOVE OF HER LIFE COME HELL OR HIGH WATER BUT DEFINITELY DIVORCE THE END.

And so everyone shrugs and is like, “It’s her funeral,” and then they go admire the buttered chickens Dorinda’s housekeeper is roasting but that somehow Dorinda is “cooking.”

Upstairs, Bethenny and Princess Carole marvel at Tom the Cheater’s appeal. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS GUY, DOES HIS DICK SHOOT DIAMONDS?

yes that makes sense

Elsewhere, Ramona suggests to Sonja that Bethenny’s issues with her seem to be in the past as Bethenny hasn’t explicitly told her to fuck off in the past 6 hours.

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

So then Bethenny and Her Highness and the other ladies come back downstairs where Princess I’m a Camper! proceeds to build a fire in a non-functioning fireplace using Dorinda’s doorstops, filling the house with smoke. EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BUILDING FIRES. IF DORINDA WANTS A FIRE TO BE BUILT, SHE’LL HAVE THE HOUSEKEEPER BUILD A FIRE.

Conversation turns to Tinsley’s dating life, which is Very Not Interesting. But it does, somehow, lead to Bethenny becoming completely unhinged about what is going on with her relationship to her crazy-ass stalking ex-husband and how when she, like The Countess, went with her “gut instinct,” it destroyed her life. The Countess understands that this is absolutely directed squarely at her, and points out that if it weren’t for Jason the Psycho Ex-Husband, Bethenny wouldn’t have her daughter and Bethenny is basically like “FUCK YOUR EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, BITCH.”

f-you tina fey

And with that, Bethenny stomps out of the room in tears.

The Countess follows to apologize if she upset Bethenny, and Bethenny POURS OUT, telling The Countess that she’s legitimately worried that Tom the Cheater is still cheating on her and that no matter what the two of them have been through, she doesn’t want to see The Countess go through what she is going through right now. The Countess tries to assure Bethenny it’s going to be OK, but Bethenny is like, UH, NO.

bitch you don't know me amy poehler saturday night live.gif

But, again, The Countess doesn’t view Bethenny’s emotional outburst as a cautionary tale, but instead an indication that her life is SO VERY SAD and that she just wants everyone to be sad with her. When The Countess marries the guy that has cheated on her and who continues to cheat on her and who everyone keeps warning her will continue to cheat on her, somehow it will be different and will magically work out.

Dinner is served, and Ramona 1. promptly pours gravy all over Dorinda’s antique dining chairs before 2. giving a rambling speech thanking Dorinda for cooking them all dinner on her birthday and then 3. WIGGING OUT when she wins a drawing for a chocolate Santa Claus BECAUSE OH MY GOD AVERY LOVES CHOCOLATE SHE BUYS AVERY A CHOCOLATE BUNNY EVERY YEAR FOR EASTER THIS IS AMAZING YAY CHOCOLATE before 4. creepily crawling over to Bethenny’s chair to weirdly apologize for whatever it is that Bethenny is so mad at her about, talking about her “softcore porn” career in the same breath as Bethenny’s daughter?

whatever

The Countess then makes a toast to Dorinda and thanks her for being a bridesmaid, at which point Tinsley wonders why Dorinda is the only one in the group invited to the wedding. So Bethenny explains: Princess Poland is dating The Countess’ former personal chef who also happens to be The Countess’ niece’s ex-boyfriend; Ramona used to date Tom the Cheater; Sonja used to fuck Tom the Cheater; and Bethenny called The Countess a whore in this very spot last year, so it doesn’t seem appropriate that any of them be in attendance, something you would have known had you watched last season which I am sure you did, quit pretending, Tinsley.

After dinner, Ramona asks to speak to Bethenny in the other room in the hopes that this whole “I called you a porn actress and then dragged your elementary school-aged daughter into it all on camera even though I could have had this same conversation with you privately if I were really interested or concerned and not just trying to create a controversy for the show” business can just go away. After all, they’ve been such good friends for so long, why let a little thing like this upend it? But Bethenny is not ready to forgive and forget, and reminds Ramona that she’s actually not been a good friend.

Ramona takes this declaration well:

are you fucking kidding me ramona rhony.gif

No! Bethenny is not fucking kidding her, and Bethenny will be happy to elaborate but it will be in the next episode because TO BE CONTINUED.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and can not be trusted with gravy.

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