The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Feeding a Need”
February 21, 2017
So Lisa and Grandpa Ken have bought a VanderCondo for their son Max in a preemptive bid to buy his love in the event that he should find his birth parents. But VanderSeriously though, Lisa literally links buying her son a condo with his meeting his birth parents, which is just super healthy.
Lisa and Grandpa Ken also buy a velvet VanderCouch for Max and presumably all of the rest of his VanderFurniture, while explaining that she bought Pandora and Mr. Pandora a VanderHouse as a wedding present, and all of its VanderFurnishings as Pandora’s birthday present, which:
- Holy Hell.
- Does Lisa not remember paying for Pandora’s million dollar VanderWedding? Was that not wedding present enough?
- But we learn this information as part of Lisa’s Vanderplanation that she treats her VanderChildren equally. Which, of course, does not appear to be the VanderCase at all as a $360,000 VanderCondo and a sale VanderCouch do not seem to be the same things as a fully-furnished VanderHouse that clearly cost more than $2 million.
I mean, I am not here to tell Lisa Vanderpump how to spend her copious amounts of VanderMoney, but she should try to be VanderHonest about it.
In other news, Kyle’s television show is happening.
And Erika meets Mr. Girardi for lunch where she talks about how “real” her marriage is despite the fact that she and her husband never spend any actual time together. I don’t actually believe her, but to each their own legally binding relationships that have some sort of mutually beneficial end.
One bit of hilarious information that we do learn that Erika spent the first half of her marriage being the good lawyer’s wife and heading law ladies’ organizations which, as the wife of a lawyer myself I find TREMENDOUS, and WONDERFUL and I wish I COULD HAVE BEEN A PART OF IT and I am not surprised IN THE LEAST when Erika reveals:
She is my hero.
As for the meat of the episode (gross, never let me write that again), Kyle and Kim do a little shopping where we learn SO MUCH information about the condition of Kim’s daughter’s cervix. The sisters also talk about what a weirdo Eden is before Kyle reveals to Kim that Eden told Vanderpump that Lisa Rinna told Eden that Kim was back on the coffee cup wine…
… that Kim was close to death and that Kyle was the one buying her “coffee.” Kim is exactly as happy about this as you would expect, starts yammering about “karma.”
In a completely surreal, utterly absurdist scene, Rinna meets Eden to get to the bottom of this mystery of what Rinna said to Eden. Rinna comes in outraged that Eden said that Rinna said the Kim was “close to death,” and Eden is like, “But, I mean, you did?” And Rinna is like, “I MEAN ALRIGHT MAYBE I DID BUT I HAVE THIS WHOLE STORY THAT I ‘DON’T REMEMBER’ SAYING IT AND ANYWAY BY TELLING VANDERPUMP OF ALL PEOPLE YOU GAVE HER SO MUCH VANDERJOY AT MY EXPENSE AND JUST FUCK.” And Eden is like, “I know you feel thrown under the bus, but girl, you’re the one who crawled under the bus and waited for it to run over you.”
Later, Rinna has the ladies meet her at her charity of choice, Project Angel Food, to make meals for sick people who can’t leave their homes — all but Eileen, who does not need to be sharing her Montezuma’s Revenge with people who are already immunosuppressed.
Eden and Erika are the first to arrive, Dorit, Lisa and Kyle show up 45 minutes later in Dorit’s rose gold Bentley, which just sends a very good message.
Once there, the women are put to work chopping chiles, scooping granola, washing zucchini, and shoveling creamed fish. Fun!
At one point, Kyle is forced to work next to Eden, and she feels compelled to explain that she’s not being rude by not speaking to Eden, she just hates her is all, but they can discuss that later. The women as a group then agree that they all need to get together and talk everything out and clear the air once and for all, just not here, now, over a tub of milked tilapia.
Later, Eden goes to Dorit’s house where she reveals that she and Rinna had a sitdown about the whole “She’s close to death” business and that Rinna swears she doesn’t remember saying it. Dorit wonders if Rinna’s memory loss was “induced” in some way, and by “induced” she means “made loopy on Xanax.” Eden, to her credit, manages to sidestep Dorit’s implications, and instead just says something mushy mouthed about Rinna being in denial.
Oh, and Eden reveals that she’s “phone” dating some model who lives in London, whatever the hell that even means.
Finally, Lisa Rinna is honored by Project Angel Food with some sort of award and most of the women attend except for Eileen who is now felled with pink eye on top of her Mexican diarrhea and Lisa who can not be VanderFucked to attend.
There is a ton of filler of the women driving around and taking pictures and it’s all drivel except for a moment in the limo with the Rinna-Hamlins in which Rinna reminds us for the nine hundredth time that Delilah was in a fashion show with Gigi Hadid which basically means that Deliliah is as big a supermodel as Gigi Hadid, uh duh. Rinna asks her daughter if Gigi gave her any advice and Delilah replies that Gigi told her to “pretend you’re walking down the street getting food.”
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL As if any of these girls know what food is.
At the event, Kyle and Dorit are seated across from Eden where the ladies talk about Eden’s new relationship, such that it is, and Kyle calls Eden a dummy for basically falling for a Nigerian prince scam. “SHE CARES ABOUT ME!” Eden declares. “WE ARE BEST FRIENDS NOW!”
And then Rinna receives a glass vase, the end.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and wonders if Lisa Vanderpump is interested in adopting a 40-something-year-old woman.