‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Thisclose to death

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“It’s Expensive to Be Me”
January 17, 2017

OH HEY HAVE YOU HEARD ERIKA JAYNE IS FILMING A NEW MUSIC VIDEO FOR SOME SONG ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY SHE HAS WHICH IS SO MUCH MONEY YOU GUYS.

You know what? Instead of wasting time discussing the shoot WHERE LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENS, let’s just watch the video already, Christ almighty.

Cute, right? With the pillow fight and the splits and the Madonna nods? Great. Do we all have that out of our system now? LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS VIDEO OR ITS CREATION AGAIN.

Elsewhere, Kyle, Mauricio, Portia, Lisa Vanderpump, and Grandpa Ken take a tour of some ridiculous Malibu estate with a tennis court and a golf course and potentially a helicopter landing pad and OH MY GOD WHO CARES WE KNOW PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA BE RICH.

The group then has lunch where we rehash Game Night, and that little bitch Grandpa Ken shares his many opinions about Rinna’s behavior despite not having been in attendance. Thanks, your opinion has been noted, you old turnip.

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna goes shopping with Eden for infuriatingly expensive sweatpants. The pair also discuss Game Night, and to Rinna’s surprise, Eden notes that Kyle was rather cold to her, even though she brought Kyle a gift and EVERYTHING! Rinna encourages Eden to invite Kyle to lunch and get to know her better, which I’m certain will solve everything.

Eden then expresses her general shock at Kim’s behavior and her vitriol towards Rinna, and Rinna explains — based on absolutely nothing whatsoever — that Kim is only “mostly sober,” and adds that Kyle is Kim’s “enabler,” just to make sure both Richards girls will be good and pissed later on down the road.

Eden explains that her sister called her the day she overdosed: she wanted Eden to meet her for New Year’s Eve, but rather than codone and enable her sister’s self-destructive behavior, Eden practiced tough love and deleted the message. Well done? Mission accomplished? You really showed her? Rinna hears this story and decides that this is exactly what is happening with the Richards sisters, that Kyle is afraid to turn her back on Kim, and adds for good measure that Kim is “this close to death.”

OK.

lucille-skeptical-arrested-development-eye-roll

Look. I am not one to defend Kim Drunkass Pill Popping Richards. And I don’t know if she is completely sober or not; there is only one person on this planet that knows if Kim Richards is 100% sober 100% of the time and that is Kim Richards. What I do know is that Kim came off plenty sober in the previous episode. Pointlessly pissed off, for sure, but sober. So unless Lisa Rinna has other information on Kim Richards that she is not sharing with the group, saying that Kim is “close to death” is needlessly provocative.

Unless it was all intentional so as to set up another conflict for the season now that Erika’s vajaynejayne is becoming old hat. Which I am sure they would never ever do.

Later, Eden, Rinna and Kyle have that lunch together, where Kyle flashes her mother’s obscenely ridiculous wedding ring/brooch around, and Eden begins asking Kyle some very personal and very pointed questions about her family’s history with alcoholism.

Kyle is not charmed.

what the fuck dog confused

Over in Lisa’s VanderWorld, she, Grandpa Ken and their son Max visit with Max’s adoption attorney to find out more about Max’s biological parents — something they once brought up three seasons ago but then dropped for reasons.

All that happens here is the attorney brings out a file that has some very vague identifying information about Max’s birth parents — and by vague, I mean literally, “Max’s father played guitar” vague — and Lisa bursts into VanderTears. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET NO NAMES ARE GIVEN NO ONE IS COMING TO TAKE YOUR ADULT SON AWAY FROM YOU YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THESE PEOPLE ARE ALIVE OR DEAD ONLY THAT HIS BIRTH FATHER USED TO PLAY GUITAR WHICH I GRANT WILL CERTAINLY NARROW DOWN THE ENTIRE MALE U.K. POPULATION ONCE YOU HIRE DETECTIVES TO FIND THESE PEOPLE WHICH YOU HAVEN’T DONE YET OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU CRYING

As for Dorit,  she tells P.K. about Eileen saying she talks too much, which she certainly does, and which he confirms. Then, after overseeing one of the nannies ironing her 5-month-old’s onesies — rich people, they’re just like us! — Dorit decides she needs to arrange a lunch with Rinna and Eileen to clear the air once and for all about Erika’s pantiless vagine. Please, please, please, let this be the end of the saga of the pantiless puss.

The ladies meet for lunch in some swanky hotel, where Rinna complains that she’s soooooo hungry, she’s just hungry all the time.

thumbs-up

When she finally arrives, Dorit first blames her bad behavior at Game Night on drinking too much before saying that her behavior wasn’t actually bad at all, really the bad guys here are Eileen and Rinna who won’t stop bringing up Erika’s hoo-ha predicament. Dorit would like to move on from this particular conversation, particularly since Erika has already said multiple times that she, too would like to move on. And yet, no one will move on. Except Dorit’s version of this takes 30 minutes to unfold and Eileen literally can not get a word in edgewise until she demands that Dorit shut up.

“FINE, WE’LL MOVE ON,” Eileen promises. “WAS THAT SO HARD?”

Rinna’s issue with Dorit and the dead parents and the 10¢ psychoanalysis is the next order of business, but Dorit dismisses it with a “Nope, don’t remember that, but sure, OK, sorry or whatever.” And with that insincere apology out of the way, the ladies agree to a “reset” on their relationships. Good luck on that, everyone! I’m sure it will go swimmingly!

Oh, and Erika has a performance at the Mykonos International Gay Festival, so she rents a $50,000 a week palace in Greece, packs 10 trunks of costumes and her entire gay entourage and invites Kyle along so that they can get Bravo to pay for them to drink champagne at 8 in the morning. Kyle calls it a “struggle” to be away from her husband and kids. LOL LOL OK.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is thisclose to death.

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