The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
January 1, 2017
Last we left the ladies, they were at Camille’s where Dorit was shushing Eileen to explain that she feels VERY HURT that everyone is always BEING SO MEAN TO HER just because she made a HUGE DEAL about Erika’s unpantied vajayne. First Eileen told Dorit that Erika felt blindsided, and then Kyle told Dorit the SAME THING, and as a result she is just feeling very ganged up on right now. And Eileen is like, “wait a minute, I’m the bad guy here?” Nothing is resolved.
In Kyle’s world, she is hosting a baby shower for Kim’s daughter? Or she’s going to a baby shower for Kim’s daughter? It’s unclear because we don’t actually see the baby shower for Kim’s daughter? The point is, Kim is wearing a dress that still has the security tag attached that she may or may not have shoplifted.
Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna meets Eden for Mexican food — but tragically, not margaritas, because Eden is sober. Eden gives Rinna a gift she picked up for her, a rock from a crystal shop that is supposed to help purge toxic emotions and help remove “blockages in energy.” Oh my god, someone go to this nonsense store and by all of the ladies some anti-blockage rocks immediately.
Eden and Rinna then briefly talk about their kids and they talk about Eden’s abandonment issues, and from what I can gather, Eden’s mother scheduled a C-section a couple of months early so she could go party in the Hamptons? According to Eden, her mother went into the hospital on a Friday, cut her out, and was in the Hamptons that weekend, leaving Eden behind in the hospital. Except … that’s not how it works? I’ve never had a C-section, but I’m pretty sure they don’t let you just leave within a couple of hours of having surgery?
But I digress. Rinna is all:
… and now she and Eden are bestest friends.
Erika is still working on this video of hers. I swear to God, if this is not the GREATEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME, I will demand a refund.
The big set piece in this episode, though, is Kyle’s Game Night. Because “Game Nights” have historically been such a positive fun way to spend an evening on this show.
And it’s not a Game Night if Kim isn’t involved. She’s the first to arrive while Kyle is receiving the briefing from her Game Night planner — because fancy ladies in Beverly Hills can’t be expected to just pull out an old Pictionary box and be done with it, oh no, they must hire “professionals” to tell them to go play charades in the other room. What a wondeful world we live in.
One by one the other ladies arrive, Erika and Camille and Eden who has a moment with Kim, their paths having crossed before thanks to Eden’s older sister. Vanderpump and Dorit arrive next, leaving everyone waiting in half-dread for Rinna and Eileen, who take their sweet-ass time getting there. In the meantime, Dorit develops a serious girl-crush on Eden and won’t shut the fuck up about how sexy she is.
When Rinna finally arrives, she makes polite small talk with Kim about the upcoming grandbaby and everyone is super tense but whaddya gonna do. The ladies then get to the business of playing charades and aside from watching Dorit trying to hump poor defenseless Eden, it’s exactly as interesting as you would think watching a bunch of rich ladies playing charades to be.
After charades, Dorit does her very best to proposition Eden, talking about her skinny-dipping-perfect swimming pool and how Eden has “real sex appeal,” but Eden is like, “Yeah, I’d rather pat Erika’s puss, thanks.”
While Dorit is trying to talk her way into Eden’s pants, Eileen is informing Kyle that Dorit believes they are ganging up on her because both Eileen and Kyle independently told Dorit that Erika was blindsided by her dumb panty gag. To clear things up, Kyle, Rinna and Eileen invite Dorit over to the table where they try to explain that they just wanted to give her some insight on how Erika was feeling about Dorit constantly talking about her crotch, which can be summed up as, “Not great, Bob.”
Dorit feels attacked, again, and claims that Kyle told her that Erika had “unresolved feelings.” Predictably when we play the tape back, it’s Dorit who says Erika has “unresolved feelings” BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS BECAUSE EVERYONE IS MAKING THE SAME POINT WHICH IS JESUS, MAYBE ERIKA DOESN’T WANT EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT HER VAGEEN ANYMORE, CAN WE ALL AGREE TO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT?
But we can’t and this argument, such as it is, goes around and around until Eileen tells Dorit to stop talking so much, because seriously though.
Meanwhile, Kim cracks that she can’t believe that Erika not wearing panties is such a big deal. WHO CARES WHO CARES WHO CARES
We eventually move on from Erika’s nudiecoochie and on to Rinna’s issue with Dorit: the insistence on her and PK’s part that Rinna and Eileen’s issues with Vanderpump had to do with their parents’ deaths. Their theory being that Eileen and Rinna were so blinded by grief that they acted like jerks to Vanderpump … even though their parents both died long after their feuds with Vanderpump began. Rinna insists again that her father’s death had nothing to do with anything.
Then Kim decides that she needs to be involved in this argument, for some reason, and begins to grouse that it’s ridiculous that Rinna thinks she can use her father’s death as an excuse for her behavior. “THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT I AM SAYING DIDN’T HAPPEN,” a frustrated Rinna protests. But Kim continues to be huffy, complaining that Rinna never apologized to her, to which Rinna responds that Kim never apologized to her for coming after Harry Hamlin. “I never said anything about Harry Hamlin,” Kim says with a straight face because it is entirely possible she doesn’t have any memory of this happening:
So Rinna decides to go dirty and suggests that they talk about Kim’s arrest.
Finally, Eden, who identifies herself with Kim as a fellow “sober woman,” suggests that Kim take the high road and approach the disagreement — whatever the hell it actually is — from a place of “honor, respect and honesty,” and tell Rinna what it is that is actually bothering her.
Kim, forced to come up with something concrete and not just “I HATE LISA RINNA BECAUSE SHE QUESTIONED MY SOBRIETY ON CAMERA WHEN I WAS CLEARLY NOT SOBER AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR IT,” decides that her problem is actually that she never received a sincere apology from Rinna for stuff and things. And in return, Rinna offers the ol’ “sorry if I said anything that hurt your feelings,” apology, which everyone knows is the very definition of an insincere apology so that should take care of everything and I hereby declare the Kim Richards-Lisa Rinna feud over and done with, forever and ever, amen.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is not great at charades.