MONDAY
Big Fan: In this new game show based on a Jimmy Kimmel Live bit, super fans of celebrities go head-to-head with said celebrities to see who knows the most about the celebrity. Which seems like it should be an easy game for the celebrity. Series premiere. 9 p.m., ABC
Orphan: I mean, have you ever seen this batshit insane movie? Because if not, you really, really should. 7 p.m., Lifetime
The Bachelor: “This Asshole does something shocking that no one could have expected.” What, speak coherently without shoving his hand in his mouth? Make eye contact? Not smile creepily when talking to someone? 7 p.m., ABC
TUESDAY
President Obama’s Farewell Address: PLEASE DON’T GO. PLEASE, WE ARE BEGGING YOU, YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO DECLARE MARSHAL LAW AND NOT EVER LEAVE. 8 p.m., ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, all news channels
Taboo: Tom Hardy stars in this broody-looking 19th century conspiracy thriller and you had me at “Tom Hardy.” Series premiere. 9 p.m., FX
This is Us: This is back. 9 p.m., NBC
Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath: Leah is accused by the “church” of hate crimes, laughs and gives the finger to David Miscavige in the season finale. 9 p.m., A&E
Good Behavior: Letty makes a mess to save Javier in the season finale. 8 p.m., TNT
Being Mary Jane: Season four premiere. 7 p.m., BET
WEDNESDAY
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee: Sam explores deportation and detainment policies under the Obama administration and I bet we will look back on them fondly soon enough. 9:30 p.m., TBS
Schitt’s Creek: Season three premiere. 7 p.m., Pop
Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce: Abandoned babies, ruined weddings and romantic entanglements with bakers. Season premiere. 9 p.m., Bravo
THURSDAY
Colony: Will and Kate struggle to keep the family together in the season premiere. 9 p.m., USA
Taking the Stage: African-American Music and Stories that Changed America: Entertainers, including Angela Bassett, Dave Chappelle, Chuck D., Doug E. Fresh, Savion Glover, Tom Hanks, Samuel L. Jackson, Quincy Jones, Rashida Jones, Elijah Kelley, Janelle Monae, Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith, Octavia Spencer, Chris Tucker, Jesse Williams, Oprah Winfrey, and Stevie Wonder celebrate the opening of the National Museum of African-American History and Culture. 8 p.m., ABC
My Kitchen Rules: In this new series, celebrities get all bitchy about each other’s cooking. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Fox
FRIDAY
A Series of Unfortunate Events: Neil Patrick Harris stars as Count Olaf in this new adaptation of the wickedly dark children’s books. Series premiere. Netflix
Sneaky Pete: Giovanni Ribisi stars as a conman being hunted by the crime lord he hustled. Amazon
The Vampire Diaries: Stefan and Damon use an anger management group to stalk a victim, which doesn’t seem right. (Final) season premiere. 7 p.m., The CW
SATURDAY
Saturday Night Live: Felicity Jones and Sturgill Simpson. 10:30 p.m., NBC
Bridge of Spies: Didn’t this Tom Hanks movie win a bunch of Oscars or something? 6 p.m., Showtime
Money Monster: This is that George Clooney/Julia Roberts movie about the TV finance guy being held hostage by some nut who trusted the TV finance guy and then lost all of his monies. 8 p.m., Starz
SUNDAY
Homeland: SPOILER ALERT: Quinn lives! Season premiere. 8 p.m., Showtime
The Young Pope: Because “Pope Lenny” just didn’t have the same ring to it. Series premiere. 8 p.m., HBO
Victoria: Here’s PBS’s newest fancy pants costume drama. Series premiere. 7 p.m., PBS
The Simpsons: Taraji P. Henson, Keegan-Michael Key, Snoop Dogg, RZA and Common lend their voices in this hour-long episode. 7 p.m., Fox