January 2, 2016
Welcome back to another season of America’s notion of a “romantic” reality show, The Bachelor. This season, for reasons that can only be explained by “2016,” we will be following the amorous exploits of perennial Bachelorette loser, Nick Viall.
Here’s what The Producers want you to know about Nick Viall:
He was first on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette where he came in second to that braying man-ape Josh Murray. He then was on Kaitlyn’s season where he came in second to that Ryan Gosling lookalike, WhatsHisFaceNotRyanGosling. Nick Viall was then on Bachelor in Paradise last summer where he dumped that chick who was always going on about dolphin sex. And then they frame all of this as “Poor Nick is just unlucky at love.”
Here’s what I want you to know about Nick Viall:
During Andi’s season, I nicknamed Nick “Wesley Snipes” because he looked like Michael Sheehan’s character Wesley Snipes, Liz Lemon’s obnoxious British sorta-boyfriend who couldn’t take a hint that she was not interested in him.
But then Nick turned out to be something much, much worse: a mumbly, smirking jackass who, though smarter than the average greased man-ape who appears on these shows, was so smug and assholish that I found myself actually rooting for the domineering greased man-ape, Josh Murray, to beat him. And anyone who knows me personally knows that I love smug assholes! Hell, I AM a smug asshole!
But then, after Andi chose Domineering Greased Man-Ape over Nick, Nick FOLLOWED THEM TO MEXICO to plead with Andi to give him another chance. “Uh, are you stalking me? Internationally?” Andi asked in my imagination. “¡VETE LA MIERDA!”
BUT THEN! AS IF THAT’S NOT ENOUGH! Nick went on the “After the Final Rose” episode and PROCEEDED TO SLUT SHAME ANDI. The way the “After the Final Rose” episode works for those of you who are reading a Bachelor recap on an obscure television blog but have somehow never seen a Bachelor “After the Final Rose” episode is that before they bring out the winner to lie that wedding plans are moving full-steam ahead, Chris Harrison, the runner-up comes out to talk to the person who dumped them, and basically assure them that they are fine and not slitting their wrists or drinking a fifth of vodka every night, really, it’s OK, they wish them the best.
At least, that’s how it is supposed to work. But this Cockswaddle right here, he came out and demanded to know why Andi had sex with him in the Fantasy Suite if she didn’t love him, because in part someone hasn’t received the memo that women can also have meaningless sex, but mostly because his fragile little ego couldn’t take losing and he wanted to try to set fire to Andi and Domineering Greased Man-Ape’s relationship on his way out the door. (Which, mission accomplished, as Andi revealed later in her book that she and Domineering Greased Man-Ape broke up in part because he was never quite able to get over what Nick said on the”After the Final Rose” episode. MALE EGO SO FRAGILE.)
BUT WE ARE NOT DONE WITH WHAT AN ASSHOLE THIS GUY IS YET. Because a year later, Nick was not a cast member on Kaitlyn’s season. No, he waited until Kaitlyn was a good 5 weeks into her “journey” before showing up on a date in New York City to demand a spot on her cast. She agreed, infuriating the rest of the men who felt like Nick was weakening their chances with Kaitlyn without really having earned a spot on the show. And they were correct! Because despite all his infuriating sneering and smirking, Kaitlyn went on to have sex with Nick before the Fantasy Suites and eventually he was one of the last two men standing. Except she chose the Ryan Gosling lookalike, leaving Nick furious and huffy and yelling about how she didn’t really love him (nope, probably not) and pouting that he was the “world’s biggest joke” in the Limo de Dumping.
So then Nick reappears on Bachelor in Paradise this past summer — his big redemptive moment. I will admit, Nick on Bachelor in Paradise was more likable than he had been on either iteration of The Bachelorette. He told people to their faces when they were being crazy or dumb or both — which on that show was pretty much all of the time — becoming, in effect, the audience’s surrogate. And it was fun because he was not an idiot on a show awash with idiots.
But let’s not forget that while he was on that show, he pursued Amanda, the dimwitted single mother, and that vapid dolphin sex girl, neither of whom were intellectual powerhouses or challenging to him in any fashion. So how about we calm down with all the praise about how “mature” he is or how much he’s “changed,” because as far as I can tell he’s still the smug shallow asshole who finds himself on a reality dating show where he knows he won’t be confronted with a woman whose BMI is over 17 or who has enough self-confidence to NOT BE ON A REALITY DATING SHOW.
AM I STILL SCREAMING? I FEEL LIKE I AM STILL SCREAMING.
So, Nick Viall, whom I am no longer going to call Wesley Snipes, but instead “This Asshole” for all the reasons detailed above, This Asshole is our new Bachelor. Watch This Asshole jog shirtless. Watch This Asshole walk through Chicago with his messenger bag and overpriced coffee. Watch This Asshole try to take some of the piss out of himself by talking about how mumbly he is and how he has trouble with eye contact. Watch This Asshole try to make himself more human by hanging out with his adorable little sister and try to make us all forget the multiple times he has dragged her on national television to make her cry.
Watch This Asshole talk about giving “America a happy ending” and try not to shudder. Ugh, This Asshole.
Later, This Asshole has the obligatory meet-up with former Bachelors for some advice, including Dallas Sean, last season’s Unlovable and Farmer Teeth, despite the fact that Farmer Teeth dumped Nurse Whitney as quickly as he could and Unlovable has called off his engagement to that bland stewardess he chose over Jojo the Unicorn. Their helpful advice? “Remember how nervous you were when you were in their position.” Well, that was certainly worthy of several minutes of my life I will never get back.
I refuse to discuss This Asshole taking a shower and getting dressed, and instead choose to jump to the part where we meet a selection of some of the contestants in their hometowns, otherwise known as the “Meet the Only Bachelorettes You Really Need to Keep an Eye On Because at Least One of Them Will be in the Final Three.”
Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX.
Rachel is a Serious Lawyer who does Serious Lawyer Things, like Meets with Clients and Walks Around Outside the Courthouse in a Serious Lawyer Dress and Flip Flops While Looking Pensive. When she is not doing these Serious Lawyer Things, Rachel likes to relax and have a good time by vacuuming. Such fun!
Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA.
Danielle started her own manicure business at 23 and now owns 3 vague “businesses.” Does that mean more nail shops? Or something else? I’m really not trying to be snotty, I’m impressed by this, I just want more details. Anyway, Dnaielle the nail lady is adorable and despite seeming like the type of woman who overuses exclamation points, doesn’t exude crazy. She’ll probably do well.
Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Canada.
She’s great, will go far, might even win the whole shebang, whatever. What’s funny is that the entire time I was watching this clip, I couldn’t put my finger on who she reminded me of, even though just last month when I wrote the post introducing the contestants, I almost wrote a whole thing about how she looks just like Valencia on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
Josephine, 24, registered nurse, Santa Cruz, CA.
Josephine is WACKY! She does WACKY! things like say “mrrrow mrrrowmrrrow” to her cat and ask WACKY! sea lions if This Asshole is going to like her and pose in those WACKY! cutouts where you stick your head inside, but she does all by herself because she is
WACKY! sad and lonely and desperately needs attention.
Raven, 25, “fashion” boutique owner, Hoxie, AR.
She owns a “fashion” boutique.
In a town named “Hoxie.”
Bless her heart.
Corrine, 24, business owner, Miami, FL.
To be fair to Corinne, from the first moment we meet her, she makes it perfectly clear that she is a Grade A jackass. Like some sort of teen movie villainess, Corinne talks about how “glamorous” her life in Miami is, before demanding that her housekeeper summon her nanny — HER NANNY — to bring her cucumbers.
As for this whole “business owner” bullshit, let it be known that she is being groomed to take over the business Daddy started, so let’s not get carried away with this idea that she herself is some sort of entrepreneur.
Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ.
This idiot is “weird” and does “embarrassing things” like wears sumo wrestler costumes to the CVS and is obsessed with dolphins and her sisters beg her to not make the GOD DAMNED DOLPHIN NOISES while on the show.
Dear TV Jesus, please deliver us from these “crazy” contestants.
Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN.
Look. Danielle seems very nice and she takes care of tiny babies and she is very pretty and she is soooo boring as to be completely forgettable. That said, keep your eye on this one, if only because her biography contains this little nugget buried deep within it: “What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Moved to Nashville and put myself back together.” Wait, go back. “Put yourself back together”? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA.
Taylor is biracial, which makes her sad because it’s difficult for her to find her place in this world. Let us all feel sorry for the drop dead gorgeous 23-year-old with the master’s degree.
Elizabeth or “Liz,” 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV.
Ah, here she is, our ticking time bomb. It seems that Liz and This Asshole have met before, and by “have met,” I mean:
Liz was Jade’s maid of honor when she married that Tanner guy, and it was at this wedding where she met This Asshole? And she and This Asshole spent the night together? And then This Asshole asked for her number and she was like, “Uhhhhh … no?”
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL times infinity.
Those are the women you should keep your eye on, but don’t worry about remembering the “wacky” ones’ names, there’s no way they are sticking around for long.
This Asshole arrives at the Bachelor McMansion where Chris Harrison reminds him that so many people think that he is such an asshole, and This Asshole is like, “LOL I KNOW.”
Bring on the limos!
Danielle L. (see above)
Our nail lady emerges from the limo in a dress cut down to there and This Asshole, his eyes practically fall right out of his head. Otherwise, nothing interesting happens.
Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX.
This one also has a completely forgettable first meeting with This Asshole, but it is worth noting that on her biography she lists Game of Thrones and Ja’mie: Private School Girl as her favorite television shows. Obviously she gets points for Game of Thrones, but Ja’mie: Private School Girl? That is a deep dive and an excellent show that no one ever talks about. So many bonus points! ALL OF THE BONUS POINTS! (Also, Ja’mie, Private School Girl is my second favorite Lannister.)
Rachel (see above)
Our attorney friend is perfectly poised and not embarrassing and I can’t even find anything to laugh at on her bio; she mentions Jean-Michel Basquiat for fuck’s sake. She is not your average dummy.
Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK.
Meanwhile, this one comes out of the limo with a handheld fan over her face before dramatically throwing it aside, and I don’t even know what the hell that was all about. HOWEVER, it is important that I point out to you that this is the crazy who, when asked what law she would break, shared this: “I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” And that’s why the Secret Service is watching this season.
Taylor (see above)
In my very favorite moment of the night, when Taylor gets out of the limo, she informs This Assole that while she’s excited to be there, her friends think that he’s — and I quote — “a complete piece of shit.”
Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY.
I have no memory of this person. Her biography does nothing to help me with that. REWATCHING HER ENTRANCE DOES NOTHING TO HELP ME WITH THAT.
Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC
This one also has a completely generic entrance. In fact, the most interesting thing on her biography is the fact that her “worst date memory” was: “A guy putting down the name as ‘Batman’ while we waited for a table. So immature.” Oh, honey, if that’s the worst thing that has happened to you on a date so far…
Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL.
Because I like her intro in which she explains that she and This Asshole have terrible last names, hers being “Hussey,” and that together they would be “Viall Hussey,” or a “disgusting slut,” I am not going to be so petty as to point out that being a “law school graduate” is not the same thing as being a lawyer.
Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA
She mumbles something about making lemonade out of lemons, which, OK, let’s tone it down, Beyoncé.
Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA.
Again, because she has such an unremarkable entrance, I’m going to point out that this is the woman who said she would make her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus eat Chipotle together if she had the chance. Fortunately for her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus, she does not have such powers.
Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX.
Ida Marie makes This Asshole catch her in a trust fall. HOW MANY MORE WOMEN ARE THERE AGAIN? WE’RE ONLY 1/3 OF THE WAY THROUGH?
Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Anchorage, AK.
Olivia arrives in a fur coat and demands an “Eskimo kiss,” even though I am pretty sure they prefer them to be called “Inuit kisses” now.
Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA.
Instead of emerging from a limo, Sarah comes running up to This Asshole, because to her he’s not just “another runner-up.”
Jasmine G., 29, pro-basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA.
Jasmine’s gimmick is that she kidnapped Neil Lane, mass-market diamond-slinger, and dragged him along with her so that she could point out to This Asshole which ring she wanted. Neil Lane, who just wants to get out of this alive, please, chuckles nervously.
Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, Canada.
Hailey asks This Asshole if he knows what a girl who is wearing underwear says. When he replies, “no,” she responds that she doesn’t either. GIRL, YOU NEED TO FIND JESUS, TALKING THAT WAY ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WHERE YOUR MOTHER CAN SEE YOU.
Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL
Astrid comes out of the limo asking This Asshole in German if he’s “seen the breasts,” which isn’t so much saucy as it is confusing. Has he “seen the breasts?” What does that even mean, has he “seen the breasts?” Whose breasts? When? Any breasts? At any time? This is just a very strange question to ask anyone.
Liz (see above)
One-Night Stand lady has decided that she will not remind This Asshole who she is, but rather see if he remembers making the sex with her some 9 months earlier. So she greets him rather generically, and he gives her a barroo.
Corrine (see above)
This Season’s Villainess hands him a “hug token” and demands that he find her later and cash it in. She then immediately devalues said token by hugging him. Good businessing, Business Lady!
Vanessa (see above)
Upon meeting This Asshole, Valencia says something to him in French that does not involve breasts, hers or others, and This Asshole mumbles to himself, “That’s a keeper.” 1. This suggests even more strongly to me that she’ll be a finalist, but 2. also reminds me again that HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. “That’s” a keeper? Not “she’s” a keeper?
Danielle M. (see above)
Danielle brings along a bottle of maple syrup, puts some on her finger and then shoves it into his mouth, which, frankly, is no kind of way to greet a stranger.
Raven (see above)
Raven comes out of limo screaming the University of Arkansas hog call: “Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooie!” for those of you unfamiliar with the intellectual stylings of our Arkansan neighbors. This, somehow, does not make This Asshole immediately ask her to just get back into the limo and go home.
Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA.
Jaimi had me at “chef, New Orleans,” but instead of opening with what is surely her strongest attribute, she chooses to talk about This Asshole’s “balls” before revealing that she has a septum-piercing. Cool?
Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT.
Nurse Briana demands to listen to his heart, claims in her biography that the “most outrageous thing” she’s ever done is “move to Utah.” Oh, baby girl.
Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA.
This one asks to give This Asshole a “beard massage” which is not a thing.
Josephine (see above)
H’OH BOY. So, “Wacky” gets out of the limo with a book in hand, explains that he’s a “wiener in [her] book,” and opens said book to reveal an uncooked hot dog which she then insists they “Lady and the Tramp.”
Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA.
Brittany slaps on a pair of gloves and demands that This Asshole “bend over.” I don’t think we need to probe This Asshole further, lady.
Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA.
Poor Jasmine, we don’t even see her introduction. Instead, she becomes just some random woman in a red dress in a montage about how many women chose to wear red dresses.
Whitney, 25, pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN.
Also caught up in the red dress montage is Whitney, who, according to her biography, has a fear of horses. So go ahead and plan for that horse-riding date in some future episode!
Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY.
This one arrives riding a camel because she heard This Asshole “likes a good hump.”
The best part of this? When the other women lament that they didn’t think to ride in on a camel and make this terrible, terrible joke themselves. Oh, ladies.
Alexis (see above)
Alexis, our aspiring dolphin trainer, arrives wearing the Left Shark costume, but insists she’s dressed as a dolphin. And this is why she’s an “aspiring” dolphin trainer and not an “actual” dolphin trainer because she can’t tell the difference between a shark and a dolphin.
With the arrivals finally, mercifully over, This Asshole goes inside and toasts the women, insisting that he is looking for someone with “a strong personality” and who is “empowered.” And by “empowered” he means “empowered up to the point where they believe they need to go on a reality show to make a romantic connection.”
The first woman he chats with is Rachel, J.D., with whom he discusses family and Milwaukee and football and it is a perfectly nice adult conversation and GIRL, YOU CAN DO BETTER. You need to go meet Taylor’s friends, have them give you some of their thoughts on This Asshole.
This Asshole goes on to have boring conversations with other women, and before you know it, Chris Harrison
is hitting the panic button is showing up with the First Impression Rose.
This sets off This Season’s Villainess, Corinne, who gives This Asshole an entire sack of those hug tokens, because it’s always sexy when people commodify affection.
This Asshole then starts a conversation with
Valencia Vanessa, only to be interrupted by This Season’s Villainess so she can shove her tongue down his throat. Oh, and This Season’s Villainess talks about how she does the sex so good (something that people good at doing the sex definitely say) and refers to her great “vageen,” just to make sure there is no confusion as to who this season’s villainess might be.
And if the women hadn’t been panicking before, after the kiss they go into full-on meltdown mode, most especially that one lady who dances for the Golden State Warriors, for whom this must be the first time in her life she has ever not been actively pursued by a man and her brain literally can not compute what is happening. “WHAT IS GOING ON?” she demands of the Universe. “WHO AM I?”
And that’s when Left Shark literally gets into the pool and begins making a dolphin call, luring This Asshole out to talk to her. This Asshole explains to her, again, that she’s dressed as a shark, not a dolphin, before informing her that if she takes off the costume, he will not give her a rose. Left Shark continues to insist she is a dolphin despite having gills. I am not interested in seeing where this relationship goes.
This Asshole then sits down with the One-Night Stand, and he is like, “Listen, I totally know who you are and frankly, I think it’s super weird that you wouldn’t give me your phone number after we had sex but once I become The Bachelor, you show back up? Yeah, not buying it, lady.” One-Night Stand gapes like a fish — not a dolphin — as This Asshole moves on to another conversation.
No Panties gives This Asshole a picture frame with Carrie Bradshaw quotes written on it.
Eventually, This Asshole goes for the First Impression Rose which, without hesitation, he gives to Rachel, J.D., making her the first African-American woman to ever receive the Rose. That bit of history made, Chris Harrison calls the rest of the harem to come forward for judgment. These nicknames might be changed in the future, but for now:
Rose #1: Valencia
Rose #2: Danielle the Nail Lady
Rose #3: Terror Watch List
Rose #4: Seen the Breasts?
Rose #5: This Season’s Villainess
Rose #6: Ja’mie, Private School Girl
Rose #7: Warrior State Dancer
Rose #8: SOOEY!
Rose #9: Some Kristina Person
Rose #10: Nurse Danielle with the Maple Syrup Fingers
Rose #11: Runner-Up
Rose #12: Hot Dog Girl
Rose #13: Cameltoe
Rose #14: Taylor with the Smart Friends
Rose #15: Left Shark
Rose #16: No Panties
Rose #17: That Whitney Lady
Rose #18: Chipotle
Rose #19: Ballsy
Rose #20: Bend Over
Rose #21: One-Night Stand
Which means: Congratulations, Beard Massager! Congratulations,
Eskimo Inuit Kisses! Congratulations, Lemonade! Congratulations, Disgusting Slut! Congratulations, Batman! Congratulations, Utah! Congratulations, Trust Fall! Congratulations, Red Dress #1,000!
You are all winners for having escaped This Asshole!
As for the rest of you, you have up to 9 more weeks with This Asshole. Godspeed.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their spur-of-the-moment nicknames:
And here are the women along with nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:
The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and it is going to kill me one of these days.