Let’s meet the 30 new ‘Bachelor’ contestants and point and laugh.

So Chicago native Nick Viall, this jackhat, is back for a third — fourth if you count Bachelor in Paradise — stab at reality show love as the titular Bachelor beginning on January 2nd. ABC just released photos and bios of the thirty – 30!!! – women who actually want date, maybe even marry, this mumble box for reasons that are absolutely baffling to me.

The most interesting thing about the contestants is that despite their mutual love for dolphins, Olivia Pope and The Little Mermaid, this is without question the most diverse cast in the history of this show. I don’t want to get myself into trouble because it’s difficult to tell from a still photo and race is a social construct and yadda yadda yadda, but it appears that around a third of these women are people of color. Who cares about who wins The Bachelor this season; the bigger question is is there a chance we will have our first black Bachelorette next summer? Maybe! Fingers crossed!

Click below to meet your new cast.

ALEXIS

Name: Alexis

Age: 23

Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Hometown: Secaucus, NJ

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

It’s a three-way tie, ladies and gentlemen:

Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

What is your most embarrassing moment? My ex-boyfriend telling me I had a mustache at a Giants game.

What are you most afraid of? E.T. the alien

First, “aspiring dolphin trainer” is not an occupation. If it is, then my job is “aspiring otter trainer.” Second, I know you are only 23, but if that is your most embarrassing moment, Alexis, life has some nasty surprises in store for you. Third, I was going to make a crack about how your nickname is DEFINITELY going to be E.T., but then I saw the photos from the first night:

NICK VIALL, ALEXIS

You sure you want to stick with “my ex-boyfriend telling me I had a mustache at a Giants game” as your most embarrassing moment? You sure, baby?

Bonus Fact:

If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin or dog. I love the ocean and dogs are very active!

Bonus Bonus Fact: 

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? The Little Mermaid. Who doesn’t want to be a mermaid?

ANGELA

Name: Angela

Age: 26

Occupation: Model

Hometown: Greenville, SC

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What’s your guiltiest pleasure of any kind? Desserts! Oh, and I lick the popcorn bag too. I’m a weirdo. My brother and I used to do it all the time when we were little. So unhealthy. LOL.

Gross. GROSS. NO LOL. THAT’S GROSS.

Bonus fact: If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin. They are playful and sociable and live in family groups.

ASTRID

Name: Astrid

Age: 26

Occupation: Plastic Surgery Office Manager

Hometown: Tampa, FL

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Height: 5’7 ½”

The fact that she listed her height as  5’7 ½”. Girl, you are going to be 30 soon. Lose the half-inch.

Bonus Fact:

If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin, so I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks.

Bonus Bonus Fact:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? The Little Mermaid before legs. I would love to explore the ocean.

BRIANA

Name: Briana

Age: 28

Occupation: Surgical Unit Nurse

Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Moved to Utah

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

Bonus Fact:

If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin so I could breathe underwater, do flips and be cute.

Bonus Bonus Fact:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She’s a mermaid with great hair, cool animal friends and she marries a cutie.

BRITTANY

 

Name: Brittany

Age: 26

Occupation: Travel Nurse

Hometown: Santa Monica, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Occupation: Travel Nurse

WTF is a “travel nurse”?

BRITTANY, NICK VIALL

WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT TO DO TO NICK?

 

CHRISTEN

Name: Christen

Age: 25

Occupation: Wedding Videographer

Hometown: Tulsa, OK

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.

SOMEONE CALL THE SECRET SERVICE.

CHRISTEN

NO, SERIOUSLY, SOMEONE CALL THEM.

CORINNE

Name: Corinne

Age: 24

Occupation: Business Owner

Hometown: Miami, FL

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What do you do for a living? I own an online business. It’s very important to me, but the cool thing is it’s online, so I can run it from anywhere.

+

What U.S. city is the most romantic to you and why? Chicago. It has a lot of fun activities you would want to share with someone special.

“I’M JUST SAYING THAT I COULD MOVE TO CHICAGO IN A MOMENT’S NOTICE, NICK. I’VE PUT A DEPOSIT DOWN ON A MOVING VAN ALREADY.”

DANIELLE L.

Name: Danielle L.

Age: 27

Occupation: Small Business Owner

Hometown: Los Angeles, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio: 

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I climbed up on a cliff and swung from a rope on top of a waterfall jumping into the water. The sign said “Locals Only,” but we did it anyways.

Oooh! SO CLOSE! Jumping off a cliff above a waterfall is pretty great! But you lose points for acting like defying a sign that said “locals only” made it actually outrageous or dangerous.

Bonus Fact:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Olivia Pope! Beautiful, powerful, strong and intelligent. Gladiators in suits.

DANIELLE M.

Name: Danielle M.

Age: 31

Occupation: Neonatal Nurse

Hometown: Nashville, TN

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What’s the closest you have ever come to being married, and why didn’t it work out? Engaged – my fiancé passed away.

SO BACK UP, BITCHES. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TOP THAT ONE.

DOMINIQUE

Name: Dominique

Age: 25

Occupation: Restaurant Server

Hometown: Los Angeles, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Lunch with three people alive or dead, and what would you order? My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.

Jesus does not want to eat Chipotle burritos with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Bonus Fact:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? I would be Olivia Pope from Scandal. She’s a strong female boss who makes her own rules and happens to be in a hot love triangle with two gorgeous men.
ELIZABETH

Name: Elizabeth “Liz”

Age: 29

Occupation: Doula

Hometown: Las Vegas, NV

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Another tie: 

What’s your guiltiest pleasure of any kind? Picking my nose while driving. I can’t help it and for some reason it’s always in my car.

If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. Kill someone

Point the first: Picking your nose is a bad habit, not a “guilty pleasure” unless you are some sort of gross deviant.

Point the second: WHEN YOU’RE DONE CALLING THE SECRET SERVICE, CALL THE POLICE.

ELIZABETH W.

Name: Elizabeth

Age: 24

Occupation: Marketing Manager

Hometown: Dallas, TX

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Do you consider yourself neat or messy? I like to be organized messy.

That’s not a thing. Pick one. 

HAILEY

Name: Hailey

Age: 23

Occupation: Photographer

Hometown: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Do you have any phobias? I’m not into butterflies at all. Jumping bugs suck. Butterflies are a solid no for me though.

Well, that’s specific.
IDA MARIE

Name: Ida Marie

Age: 23

Occupation: Sales Manager

Hometown: Harlingen, TX

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.

Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books.

Gurrrrrrl.

JAIMI

Name: Jaimi

Age: 28

Occupation: Chef

Hometown: New Orleans, LA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why? Depending on how much bigger he is than me, I could bench press him with my legs. It’s pretty exciting and surprising.

YOU ARE A CHEF. YOU COOK FOOD FOR A LIVING, IN NEW ORLEANS NO LESS, AND YOU CHOOSE “bench press him with my legs”? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SIMPLE AND DUMB AND EASILY IMPRESSED MEN ARE? JUST FEED HIM.

JASMINE B.

Name: Jasmine B.

Age: 25

Occupation: Flight Attendant

Hometown: Tacoma, WA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Who is your favorite author and why? Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.

Which is how you found yourself on a dating reality show.

JASMINE G.

Name: Jasmine G.

Age: 29

Occupation: Pro Basketball Dancer

Hometown: San Francisco, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Lunch with three people, alive or dead and what would you order? RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, Prince. I would order pizza.

Alright, so this isn’t “ridiculous” as much as it is AWESOME. If Nick doesn’t marry her, can I?

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.

I take everything back.

Bonus Fact: 

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? I would be Olivia Pope from Scandal. She’s such a power woman. Great job. Boss lady. However her love life sucks. Too familiar.

JOSEPHINE

Name: Josephine

Age: 24

Occupation: Unemployed Nurse

Hometown: Santa Cruz, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio: That shirt.

KRISTINA

Name: Kristina

Age: 24

Occupation: Dental Hygienist

Hometown: Lexington, KY

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents. It takes courage to open your heart and home to four orphans and give them a life otherwise unobtainable.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My biological mother. I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.

#sobstory

LACEY

Name: Lacey

Age: 25

Occupation: Digital Marketing Manager

Hometown: Manhattan, NY

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio: The most ridiculous fact on her bio is that there is nothing on her bio that explains this:

LACEY

 

THE HELL?

LAUREN

Name: Lauren

Age: 30

Occupation: Law School Graduate

Hometown: Naples, FL

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Occupation: Law School Graduate

That’s not an occupation.

Bonus Fact:

If you could be any animal, which would you be and why? A dolphin because they are so cute and smart and they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!

MICHELLE

Name: Michelle

Age: 24

Occupation: Food Truck Owner

Hometown: Los Angeles, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why? I would take him kayaking because it’s one of my favorite hobbies.

Kayaking? YOU ARE A FOOD TRUCK OWNER. How are these women not understanding that men + food = impressed? JUST COOK FOR THEM.

OLIVIA

Name: Olivia

Age: 25

Occupation: Apparel Sales Representative

Hometown: Nashville, TN

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What is the longest relationship you have been in and why didn’t it work out? Four years. He became addicted to pain pills.

siren

RACHEL

Name: Rachel

Age: 31

Occupation: Attorney

Hometown: Dallas, TX

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio: The most ridiculous fact on her bio is that there is no ridiculous fact on her bio. Sure, she likes Justin Bieber, but that’s not ridiculous, that’s just tacky.

RAVEN

Name: Raven

Age: 25

Occupation: Fashion Boutique Owner

Hometown: Hoxie, AR

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Blue Ivy – who doesn’t want to be the child of Jay Z and Beyoncé.

uhh-no-bitch-latrice-rupaul

SARAH

Name: Sarah

Age: 26

Occupation: Grade School Teacher

Hometown: Newport Beach, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

If you could be any animal, which would you be and why? A puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? 🙂

Um, to whom does she think she is talking?

Bonus Fact:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be? Meredith Grey, Olivia Pope, or Carrie Bradshaw, the ultimate girls!

SUSANNAH

Name: Susannah

Age: 26

Occupation: Account Manager

Hometown: San Diego, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

What is your most embarrassing moment? When I tried to look sexy picking up a pen in front of my high school crush and banged my head into the table.

But … how? We’re you trying to pick up the pen with your mouth? With your boobs? Draw me a diagram.

Bonus Fact:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? This may be extra girly, but I would want to be Ariel. She’s a mermaid! Plus she has amazing hair and a seashell bra.

TAYLOR

Name: Taylor

Age: 23

Occupation: Mental Health Counselor

Hometown: Seattle, WA

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

Who is your favorite clothes designer? Forever 21

LOL.

VANESSA

Name: Vanessa

Age: 29

Occupation: Special Education Teacher

Hometown: Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio:

If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a stable item and can be found all year round.

Sexxxxxxxxxy.

WHITNEY

Name: Whitney

Age: 25

Occupation: Pilates Instructor

Hometown: Chanhassen, MN

Most Ridiculous Fact on her Bio: Look at that pose and those empty eyes. You guys, are we sure she’s not a Westworld host?

 

Now if y’all will excuse me, I am off to the Bachelor wine site to buy all of the Bachelor wine in anticipation of this coming season. Plan: save all my Amazon boxes that will clutter my house over the holidays; fill said boxes with Bachelor wine; enjoy my own Bachelor box wine.

I will see you here on my Bachelor blog’s new home at FoolishWatcher in about three weeks.

The Bachelor returns on ABC on Monday, January 2nd at 7 p.m.

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6 thoughts on “Let’s meet the 30 new ‘Bachelor’ contestants and point and laugh.

  1. Travel nurse is an actual thing! A better description might be contract nurse or freelance nurse, as you agree to work in a specific location for a limited time, usually two or three months.

    Is there any chance that this season is going to be held under the sea, and that’s why they chose so many bachelorettes who want to be dolphins and/or mermaids?

    Like

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